It's been a busy few weeks for me. My TOPS convention was last week and it was really good. My workshop went well and then I talked a bit later on in the day about "regain". It was mostly what I wrote here a month or so ago. I got a standing ovation and I found myself really chocked up. I feel like I've learned a lot of things about myself during this weight loss journey. I'm starting to think maybe I could help others. It's not about teaching them about nutrition or exercise though, it's about helping them to learn to love themselves and get rid of guilt and shame and to be happy with where they are right now.
Funny though that some times I can stand so tall and feel so good about all I've accomplished and then other times I'm feeling like I still have a ways to go.
I finished another online challenge this past weekend. Below is the essay I wrote for it.
"Dawn's Final Mile", that's what I titled this thread because I wanted to get to a body I had never seen before, I wanted to "finish". But as the weeks ticked by I realized that my final mile wasn't going to happen this challenge but I also realized that through these past 6 1/2 yrs and coming from 378 lbs, I've had quite a few detours, gains and pauses and I've learned many lessons along the way.
So what did I learn during this 98 day challenge?
I learned that recovering from an injury is harder than I thought it would be. Breaking my foot 4 weeks before my marathon was a lesson in patience for me. I was thankful to get back in the gym even if I'm not 100% back to where I was before the foot.
I learned that asking for help was a good thing, that having that 5th element was a must. I found the kindness of others 10 fold all along the way. Every person that stopped by to root me on meant something to me. (I feel the same way about the people here in the blogging world too)
I learned that nutrition has to be at the top of the list, especially when you're injured and not working out at your best. Through my weight loss I relied on exercise to eat more and I learned through this challenge that tweaking my food and eating within my calorie range was a must.
I learned to modify my exercise where need be to create a workout that worked for ME. I did use Tom's TNB through part of this challenge and found it worked even with my injuries.
I learned staying positive is EVERYTHING!!!
I learned nurturing my brain is of the utmost importance. I definitely grew mentally through this challenge.
I also learned that self confidence can come in many ways and helping others is a big part of that. Speaking at my TOPS convention this year and receiving the love from so many showed me that giving others hope will help me grow into the confident person I'm striving to be not to mention helping others is so rewarding and feels great.
I've learned maintaining is winning too.
I've definitely learned that I NEED to be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished over time. Each day is a lesson waiting to be learned.
Today I weigh 1 lb less than what I weighed this time last year finishing up the LYB challenge and I was feeling on top of the world and hoping to win (came in 3rd) so how can I be disappointed in myself to have maintained my weight through having a broken foot and other obstacles this year. I lost some fat and gained some muscle and though I don't think my pictures look much different the inside of me sure does. I've realized I've just come to far on this journey to beat myself up anymore about anything. It really is about how we look at things and ourselves and it really is about finding the joy in the journey.
As for my goals from this point forward, boy I'd still love to do that marathon in November and 25% body fat and 155 lbs is still on the horizon
But my #1 goal is to love myself each and every day and be so very proud that I've maintained a 200 lbs weight loss for 4 1/2 yrs now.
So for each person reading this know...
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection… - Siddhartha Gautama
How true is it that we deserve our own love and affection. I think that is the battle so many of us face, not always giving ourselves the love and kindness that we show others.
While I've been working with Gary (weightpsychology.com) these past several weeks he's making me realize that for me it's about protecting my weight loss so far not about losing another 25 lbs. In our first call he asked me to rate my self love from 1 to 10 and I gave myself an 8. He was surprised my number was that high but I explained that I rate my love for myself how I rate my love of life, my happiness in my life. We've talked about weight just being a symptom and I think we all know that to be true. It made me think about when I changed the name of my blog from fixing myself thinner to fixing myself happy. I had finally realized that it really was about making my life all I wanted it to be not about how much I weighed.
Anyway, I've had a busy but good few weeks. I'm looking forward to starting to really look at my food more closely with Gary. Maybe it's a dream but I'd like to think that if I could clean up my food more maybe I could just slowly drift down the scale. It makes me think of Vickie and how she had a few years pause before losing her final amount of weight. I do feel like I'm ready for the next step for myself. But even if I don't lose another lb I'm very happy just as I am.
I took this picture on Saturday and I felt really good about myself :) Then I spent the next few days eating like a crazy woman feeling like I shouldn't have felt good about how I looked, how messed up is that lol. But I think I will always struggle with that sort of thing. I don't ever want my outside to change the person I am on the inside because just like I've always told my TOPS people "you aren't your weight".