Merry Christmas everyone!!!
I made it through the evening last night and got all the presents wrapped and even got in bed by 12:30am. Our rule around here is the kids can't wake us up earlier than 7am so I knew I would be up early.
We were woke up at 7:10am which wasn't to bad. The kids were definitely anxious to rip into the presents. Everyone seemed super happy with what they got. Kevin was especially happy with his cell phone and getting his last 5 days of punishment taken away. Marie got a skateboard, a 40" stuffed camel, a brother camel and 2 twin baby camels lol, that's what she asked for if you can believe it. Nicholas got halo action figures, legos and a few xbox games. They all got a bunch of other stuff too. We always end up spending more than we say we will lol. But I do love shopping for the kids and seeing their faces Christmas morning.
I got an itouch which I sort of thought Mike might buy me. I've already downloaded a bunch of goofy little games lol. Kind of expensive though to be a gameboy for me lol. I got him a new portable hard drive, he seems to fill up one a year. I got him a 640 Gig one.
Mike made us all a yummy breakfast and I made lasagna for dinner which was yummy too. I only ate a half piece and that was plenty for me. I feel like I'm headed into a food coma though even from that. I'm feeling very sleepy. Might just be from the past few days of being so busy. I'm thinking a nap might be in my future. I was thinking about going to the gym tonight so maybe a nap will do me good.
Tomorrow I think I will be heading up to Baltimore to see my mom, my two sisters and their families. Will probably be a super busy and long day especially since I've not bought one gift for anyone lol. Can we say LAST MINUTE lol.
Hope everyone had a great day.
Till next time...
Working on it
Where did I get that outfit? lol
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
So much to do
Just one day till Christmas, actually less than 24 hours. What am I doing? Sitting in my recliner listening to the boys play Xbox while I surf blogs and just relax. I know I will get everything done that I need to. I might be up till 1 or 2 in the morning but I'll get it all done, I always do.
Mike took the kids out yesterday and let them each pick out a gift for me so now I need to do the same. He needs more gifts under the tree for sure, so far he only has 2. It always seems like we are the last on the list for gifts. Really I think we both buy things for ourselves through the year so we don't really need anything. It's still nice to have a few things to open Christmas morning.
So TOPS went well last night. I dropped another 2.4 lbs, putting me at 183. Only 5 lbs to goal. I don't think I can do that in a week but I think I've gotten pretty darn close and I'm happy with my progress. I also came in second in our snowman contest so I won 2 ornaments. Next week is our holiday party and my last weigh-in of the year. Whatever weight I am next week will be my TOPS goal weight and I will move into KOPS status. I still plan on losing those last 5 lbs but it won't be a race anymore.
It's kind of nice having this all happen at the end of the year because it makes the coming year seem fresh and new. I will start thinking about new goals for myself and my next mission. I really believe it will be to help promote TOPS more. I think TOPS is a hidden treasure not many know about. It's like weight watchers gets all the glory. I know that's because TOPS is non commercial which makes it tougher to get the word out.
When I was in therapy yesterday I talked about a little girl at my children's school that was very obese. She reminded me of myself at that age. I had such mixed emotions about her. I felt angry at her parents for allowing her to get to that weight but I also felt great sadness for her that she will have to spend her childhood years emotionally and physically struggling. Dr. N said maybe I should try to do something about it and start going to the schools and speaking to the kids and parents. In theory that sounds like a great idea but I know it would be hard working doing something like that.
I talked to my best friend today. It was nice getting to chat with her. I feel bad that it always seems like she's in crisis. I know there isn't anything I can do for her but listen so that's what I did. I'm looking forward to seeing her this year. I wish we could get back to talking and seeing each other more, I do miss her.
My mom must have called me 6 times yesterday. She seems to think I can sort our her problems from here lol. I did try looking up numbers for her online and finally she did find someone to come fix her chair lifts but that was after about 5 calls and then she had to call back to let me know the guy had come. She called me again this morning to let me know he had come again with the new parts and that everything was fixed lol. Thankfully she's going to my oldest sister's house tomorrow. I was worried about her being alone on Christmas. I'm glad she won't be.
Well the house was pretty straight when I got home yesterday so I was happy about that. Of course there is more I could do but nothing much got done yesterday. I had TOPS and then Marie had swim lessons so I didn't get back home till after 8. I did make it to the gym though because I figured I wouldn't have time today to go.
I can't say I'm loving the new weight training routine. It's 5 floor exercises and then only 3 other weight exercises that you do 6 reps of each. It does work everything because I'm feeling sore from it but it's really for heavy lifting and with my stomach issues I just can't lift to much in fear of hurting myself. I guess as long as I'm careful I should be ok. I did a hour of cardio too so I didn't get home till almost 11pm. The gym will be open 24 hours through the holidays so that means if I get a hankering to go I can *smile*.
Well I've rambled enough, boy was that a jump around post lol. I need to get a shower so the kids and I can go shopping too.
Merry Christmas all my terrific blogger friends. I'm so happy you are all in my life. I appreciate sharing in your lives each day too.
Hugs.
Till tomorrow...
Mike took the kids out yesterday and let them each pick out a gift for me so now I need to do the same. He needs more gifts under the tree for sure, so far he only has 2. It always seems like we are the last on the list for gifts. Really I think we both buy things for ourselves through the year so we don't really need anything. It's still nice to have a few things to open Christmas morning.
So TOPS went well last night. I dropped another 2.4 lbs, putting me at 183. Only 5 lbs to goal. I don't think I can do that in a week but I think I've gotten pretty darn close and I'm happy with my progress. I also came in second in our snowman contest so I won 2 ornaments. Next week is our holiday party and my last weigh-in of the year. Whatever weight I am next week will be my TOPS goal weight and I will move into KOPS status. I still plan on losing those last 5 lbs but it won't be a race anymore.
It's kind of nice having this all happen at the end of the year because it makes the coming year seem fresh and new. I will start thinking about new goals for myself and my next mission. I really believe it will be to help promote TOPS more. I think TOPS is a hidden treasure not many know about. It's like weight watchers gets all the glory. I know that's because TOPS is non commercial which makes it tougher to get the word out.
When I was in therapy yesterday I talked about a little girl at my children's school that was very obese. She reminded me of myself at that age. I had such mixed emotions about her. I felt angry at her parents for allowing her to get to that weight but I also felt great sadness for her that she will have to spend her childhood years emotionally and physically struggling. Dr. N said maybe I should try to do something about it and start going to the schools and speaking to the kids and parents. In theory that sounds like a great idea but I know it would be hard working doing something like that.
I talked to my best friend today. It was nice getting to chat with her. I feel bad that it always seems like she's in crisis. I know there isn't anything I can do for her but listen so that's what I did. I'm looking forward to seeing her this year. I wish we could get back to talking and seeing each other more, I do miss her.
My mom must have called me 6 times yesterday. She seems to think I can sort our her problems from here lol. I did try looking up numbers for her online and finally she did find someone to come fix her chair lifts but that was after about 5 calls and then she had to call back to let me know the guy had come. She called me again this morning to let me know he had come again with the new parts and that everything was fixed lol. Thankfully she's going to my oldest sister's house tomorrow. I was worried about her being alone on Christmas. I'm glad she won't be.
Well the house was pretty straight when I got home yesterday so I was happy about that. Of course there is more I could do but nothing much got done yesterday. I had TOPS and then Marie had swim lessons so I didn't get back home till after 8. I did make it to the gym though because I figured I wouldn't have time today to go.
I can't say I'm loving the new weight training routine. It's 5 floor exercises and then only 3 other weight exercises that you do 6 reps of each. It does work everything because I'm feeling sore from it but it's really for heavy lifting and with my stomach issues I just can't lift to much in fear of hurting myself. I guess as long as I'm careful I should be ok. I did a hour of cardio too so I didn't get home till almost 11pm. The gym will be open 24 hours through the holidays so that means if I get a hankering to go I can *smile*.
Well I've rambled enough, boy was that a jump around post lol. I need to get a shower so the kids and I can go shopping too.
Merry Christmas all my terrific blogger friends. I'm so happy you are all in my life. I appreciate sharing in your lives each day too.
Hugs.
Till tomorrow...
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The count down continues
Well we had a busy night last night and I didn't make it to the gym. I was a little bummed but I usually just workout every other day anyway so tonight will be the night. I'm still feeling the new workout from Monday actually so the night off was probably a good decision.
Mike and I ended up going shopping and we let Kevin take Marie to swim lessons for us. It gave him a chance to see his girlfriend (she works at the pool) so I think it worked out for both of us. I think I'm finished with Christmas though I'm feeling terribly guilty that Mike only has 2 presents. I tried to get him to tell me how many presents he had bought me but he wouldn't. I keep feeling like I should go back out and get him a few more things. I really have no idea though what he would like that is small and affordable lol. I'll think on it some more.
Tonight is TOPS, we are just having weigh-in and finishing up our snowman contest. I hope I will at least see a small lose this week. With 2 weeks of 3 lb loses I know I'm due for a small to no lose. I just want to be in the doctors range so I can put my mind at ease for the next week.
I had therapy today. I felt like it was a good session. He seems to think I would be a good motivational speaker. He also said he had a few numbers he could give me of organizations that put together wellness plans for businesses that he thought would definitely like to have me on their team. A part of me felt proud he would think of me for something like that but another part just doesn't feel like I'm ready for that. I do think TOPS promotion is what I can actually manage right now. Something bigger I think would overwhelm me. But like he said maybe in a year or two when the kids are a bit older I can invest more in something like that to keep my motivation. I think it's a good idea.
We also talked about my need to run off to the gym when my anxiety is really high. He says he would like to see me get to the point where just my mind can calm me and get me back to rational thinking. Not that exercising is a bad thing but just like ice cream I use it as a crutch. I know he's right but I think it will definitely take more time to get to that point. Something to work towards though for sure.
I think I might try to wrap some gifts tonight. I usually wait till Christmas eve but there are so many boxes I don't want to be up all night wrapping. Hopefully it won't take as long as I think. Mike will help me too.
When I was at Walmart last night I bought a few new clothes. I bought a size 14 jeans and a size 12. Both are tight and with my loose skin (make that 499th Tony lol) they just aren't flattering so though size 12 and 14s fit in other type pants in jeans I'm just not there. I bought a few 8/10 tops though and they fit good. I think it just depends on the clothes now what sizes fit and look ok. It's still weird to me shopping in the regular department. I really would love to take a trip to dress barn to get something nice for the holidays. Maybe I will this coming week before I go to Baltimore to see everyone.
Oh, I did end up getting a bonus at work. So that was a nice surprise today.
Last night I also bought stuff and made a really nice fruit basket for the boss lady at Mike's work in thanks of his nice bonus. Hopefully it will let them know how much we appreciated it. He bought a few cards for them too.
I'm hopeful when I get home the house will be all nice and clean *smile*. I've been pushing for that with the kids the past few days with not much luck. Maybe today will be the day lol. Otherwise I guess part of tomorrow will be getting them all in gear to help at least.
Oh, we bought Marie some new fish last night too. Her tank has been running all these months (about 2) without any fish lol. But hopefully these will survive longer than a week. I'm guessing they will all have names when I get home tonight, we bought 5 little ones this time.
A few of you asked about my weight training routine. I use a book called "The Book Of Muscle" by Ian King. It's a body builder book but I got pointed to it after I bought the ebook "Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle" by Tom Venuto. I've been working through it since August of 08. I'm now about half way through the intermediate program.
Last January though I found out I have bad arthritis in my knees so with the doctors help we talked about what weight training exercises I should be doing so I don't hurt my knees and further. So basically I use the BOM program but on leg days or for leg exercises I modify because of my knees. So I don't do any squats or lunges. I think my routines are similar to Lori's who just finished New Rules of Lifting for Women.
I was listing all my workouts on my exercise blog (to the right) but never realized it wasn't opened to everyone until recently when Jo pointed it out to me. I've been bad about actually listing my weight training routine the past few months but if you look back to Sept or July you can see some of them. I will try to get back to actually posting the details soon since it's nice having that log to look back through. I carry a book at the gym that lists everything that I take notes in but it would be nice to have it on here too.
Well I think I'm heading home. I'll try to post later or tomorrow about weigh-in.
Till tomorrow...
Mike and I ended up going shopping and we let Kevin take Marie to swim lessons for us. It gave him a chance to see his girlfriend (she works at the pool) so I think it worked out for both of us. I think I'm finished with Christmas though I'm feeling terribly guilty that Mike only has 2 presents. I tried to get him to tell me how many presents he had bought me but he wouldn't. I keep feeling like I should go back out and get him a few more things. I really have no idea though what he would like that is small and affordable lol. I'll think on it some more.
Tonight is TOPS, we are just having weigh-in and finishing up our snowman contest. I hope I will at least see a small lose this week. With 2 weeks of 3 lb loses I know I'm due for a small to no lose. I just want to be in the doctors range so I can put my mind at ease for the next week.
I had therapy today. I felt like it was a good session. He seems to think I would be a good motivational speaker. He also said he had a few numbers he could give me of organizations that put together wellness plans for businesses that he thought would definitely like to have me on their team. A part of me felt proud he would think of me for something like that but another part just doesn't feel like I'm ready for that. I do think TOPS promotion is what I can actually manage right now. Something bigger I think would overwhelm me. But like he said maybe in a year or two when the kids are a bit older I can invest more in something like that to keep my motivation. I think it's a good idea.
We also talked about my need to run off to the gym when my anxiety is really high. He says he would like to see me get to the point where just my mind can calm me and get me back to rational thinking. Not that exercising is a bad thing but just like ice cream I use it as a crutch. I know he's right but I think it will definitely take more time to get to that point. Something to work towards though for sure.
I think I might try to wrap some gifts tonight. I usually wait till Christmas eve but there are so many boxes I don't want to be up all night wrapping. Hopefully it won't take as long as I think. Mike will help me too.
When I was at Walmart last night I bought a few new clothes. I bought a size 14 jeans and a size 12. Both are tight and with my loose skin (make that 499th Tony lol) they just aren't flattering so though size 12 and 14s fit in other type pants in jeans I'm just not there. I bought a few 8/10 tops though and they fit good. I think it just depends on the clothes now what sizes fit and look ok. It's still weird to me shopping in the regular department. I really would love to take a trip to dress barn to get something nice for the holidays. Maybe I will this coming week before I go to Baltimore to see everyone.
Oh, I did end up getting a bonus at work. So that was a nice surprise today.
Last night I also bought stuff and made a really nice fruit basket for the boss lady at Mike's work in thanks of his nice bonus. Hopefully it will let them know how much we appreciated it. He bought a few cards for them too.
I'm hopeful when I get home the house will be all nice and clean *smile*. I've been pushing for that with the kids the past few days with not much luck. Maybe today will be the day lol. Otherwise I guess part of tomorrow will be getting them all in gear to help at least.
Oh, we bought Marie some new fish last night too. Her tank has been running all these months (about 2) without any fish lol. But hopefully these will survive longer than a week. I'm guessing they will all have names when I get home tonight, we bought 5 little ones this time.
A few of you asked about my weight training routine. I use a book called "The Book Of Muscle" by Ian King. It's a body builder book but I got pointed to it after I bought the ebook "Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle" by Tom Venuto. I've been working through it since August of 08. I'm now about half way through the intermediate program.
Last January though I found out I have bad arthritis in my knees so with the doctors help we talked about what weight training exercises I should be doing so I don't hurt my knees and further. So basically I use the BOM program but on leg days or for leg exercises I modify because of my knees. So I don't do any squats or lunges. I think my routines are similar to Lori's who just finished New Rules of Lifting for Women.
I was listing all my workouts on my exercise blog (to the right) but never realized it wasn't opened to everyone until recently when Jo pointed it out to me. I've been bad about actually listing my weight training routine the past few months but if you look back to Sept or July you can see some of them. I will try to get back to actually posting the details soon since it's nice having that log to look back through. I carry a book at the gym that lists everything that I take notes in but it would be nice to have it on here too.
Well I think I'm heading home. I'll try to post later or tomorrow about weigh-in.
Till tomorrow...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Just a few days till Christmas
Well I did have work yesterday and I have to again today and again tomorrow. Not really a big deal since I do have something not so terrible to work on. Then I will have off for 11 days which I know I've mentioned at least 3 times now lol. I'm looking forward to the time off and to seeing my extended family.
My mom's 67th Birthday is today. I will call her after I post this. I feel bad she won't have any celebration today but maybe one of her friends or one of my sisters will surprise her with something. This is the time I wish I lived closer so I could just pop over and do something spontaneous. I'm such a last minute person if only I would plan better I could still surprise her. I guess it will just have to be when I go up there to visit. I still haven't even made set plans yet of who I will see when. I have a feeling I will see my sister (Kevin's mom) and nephew this weekend since that is when she will have him.
I had a good evening last night. I kept hoping the kids would surprise me with a clean house but no such luck lol. Today I decided to just request the house being clean so I'm hopeful it will happen. Nicholas was already doing dishes when I left this morning so that was definitely a good sign. All the kids have been very happy which who wouldn't be with Christmas just 3 days away *smile*. I can tell Kevin is hoping he will get off punishment and Nicholas to have the XBox ban lifted lol.
Mike went out last week and bought me a surprise so I will have something under the tree. He usually gets me a few things so I'm not left out. I bought him a surprise too. I'm sure he would rather have a big flat screen TV but that isn't in the budget this year lol. I think he'll like his gift well enough.
I went to the gym last night for my 2 hour workout. I can't say I'm liking the new routine but I guess it will be ok. Since I can't do squats or lunges because of my knees I had to figure out what would still work my legs well enough. I decided on step ups with dumbbells in my hands. Man old man did I get a workout. I kept raising the step as I did more sets. I'm hoping the workout change will zap a few more lbs off me before the end of the year. The scale was looking friendly this morning. I'm hopeful I'll see a lose tomorrow. If nothing else at least that 0.4 lbs I need to lose to be in range.
Mike didn't go to the gym with me last night. I decided to wait a bit longer because I know how crowded it is on Monday nights and in that short time he promptly fell asleep in his recliner lol. I tried to wake him up but it was clear he wasn't going anywhere. Maybe he'll go tonight since I plan on getting in a hour of cardio if I can. Marie has swim lessons tonight too so it will be a late night for me.
Tomorrow we won't be having a TOPS meeting, just weigh-in and declaring a winner for our Christmas ornament contest. It wasn't my best contest that's for sure but I'm hopeful the next one I think up will be better.
Marie has swim lessons again tomorrow night too, her last one for level III. I think she should pass into level IV ok. She just loves swimming. I'm not sure what is after level IV. I guess she will just have to join a swim team after that if she's good enough. One of the swim teams is there when we are and they swim a LOT of laps. I'm not sure how ready she will be for that. I'll leave it up to her what she wants to do.
Kevin has another doctors appt today. His stuff is clearing up but still not gone enough for him to go back to wrestling. I don't think they have practice through the holidays anyway. Hopefully it will be gone by next week. Thankfully so far none of us have caught it.
I still have stuff to shop for. I guess maybe before the gym tonight Mike and I can go and finish up. I still have to shop for my dinner stuff too. Not sure if I said it here but I'm making lasagna for dinner on Christmas (hear that Steve lol). We all love it and though turkey is better for me I'm all for a one dish meal this year. I think I will do fine with having one portion and maybe freezing a few pieces for myself for some other time. Usually we have ham on Christmas anyway so I will save myself some added sodium I don't need.
I haven't heard from my niece at all. I guess I will give her a call today or tomorrow to see how the wedding went. Hopefully she had a nice day in spite of the weather. I don't think I'll get to see her for Christmas this year.
Well I better get back to work.
Till tomorrow...
My mom's 67th Birthday is today. I will call her after I post this. I feel bad she won't have any celebration today but maybe one of her friends or one of my sisters will surprise her with something. This is the time I wish I lived closer so I could just pop over and do something spontaneous. I'm such a last minute person if only I would plan better I could still surprise her. I guess it will just have to be when I go up there to visit. I still haven't even made set plans yet of who I will see when. I have a feeling I will see my sister (Kevin's mom) and nephew this weekend since that is when she will have him.
I had a good evening last night. I kept hoping the kids would surprise me with a clean house but no such luck lol. Today I decided to just request the house being clean so I'm hopeful it will happen. Nicholas was already doing dishes when I left this morning so that was definitely a good sign. All the kids have been very happy which who wouldn't be with Christmas just 3 days away *smile*. I can tell Kevin is hoping he will get off punishment and Nicholas to have the XBox ban lifted lol.
Mike went out last week and bought me a surprise so I will have something under the tree. He usually gets me a few things so I'm not left out. I bought him a surprise too. I'm sure he would rather have a big flat screen TV but that isn't in the budget this year lol. I think he'll like his gift well enough.
I went to the gym last night for my 2 hour workout. I can't say I'm liking the new routine but I guess it will be ok. Since I can't do squats or lunges because of my knees I had to figure out what would still work my legs well enough. I decided on step ups with dumbbells in my hands. Man old man did I get a workout. I kept raising the step as I did more sets. I'm hoping the workout change will zap a few more lbs off me before the end of the year. The scale was looking friendly this morning. I'm hopeful I'll see a lose tomorrow. If nothing else at least that 0.4 lbs I need to lose to be in range.
Mike didn't go to the gym with me last night. I decided to wait a bit longer because I know how crowded it is on Monday nights and in that short time he promptly fell asleep in his recliner lol. I tried to wake him up but it was clear he wasn't going anywhere. Maybe he'll go tonight since I plan on getting in a hour of cardio if I can. Marie has swim lessons tonight too so it will be a late night for me.
Tomorrow we won't be having a TOPS meeting, just weigh-in and declaring a winner for our Christmas ornament contest. It wasn't my best contest that's for sure but I'm hopeful the next one I think up will be better.
Marie has swim lessons again tomorrow night too, her last one for level III. I think she should pass into level IV ok. She just loves swimming. I'm not sure what is after level IV. I guess she will just have to join a swim team after that if she's good enough. One of the swim teams is there when we are and they swim a LOT of laps. I'm not sure how ready she will be for that. I'll leave it up to her what she wants to do.
Kevin has another doctors appt today. His stuff is clearing up but still not gone enough for him to go back to wrestling. I don't think they have practice through the holidays anyway. Hopefully it will be gone by next week. Thankfully so far none of us have caught it.
I still have stuff to shop for. I guess maybe before the gym tonight Mike and I can go and finish up. I still have to shop for my dinner stuff too. Not sure if I said it here but I'm making lasagna for dinner on Christmas (hear that Steve lol). We all love it and though turkey is better for me I'm all for a one dish meal this year. I think I will do fine with having one portion and maybe freezing a few pieces for myself for some other time. Usually we have ham on Christmas anyway so I will save myself some added sodium I don't need.
I haven't heard from my niece at all. I guess I will give her a call today or tomorrow to see how the wedding went. Hopefully she had a nice day in spite of the weather. I don't think I'll get to see her for Christmas this year.
Well I better get back to work.
Till tomorrow...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Feeling High Anxiety
Well the past few days have been very high anxiety days for me. Friday was a good day but I knew it was suppose to start snowing and I was knowing in my heart I probably wouldn't be able to go to my niece's wedding today but I really kept hoping. I got every one's clothes all ready so I would be prepared just in case.
It started snowing about 6 or so last night though so I was pretty sure going far wasn't going to happen today. I kept hearing a foot of snow was coming. So my anxiety started last night. I just felt myself wanting to eat and I obliged my emotions. I ended up eating 2280 calories yesterday.
Today I woke up, looked outside and knew I wasn't going up the road. I called and left a msg for my niece saying I wouldn't be coming to the wedding and how sorry I was. I knew my sister and other nephew weren't going either. So that left no family members going. I know for my niece it's just about getting married so hopefully it all went well for her today. I never did hear from her though I had told her she could call me back to talk. I feel the disconnect between us and it makes me sad I couldn't be there to support her today. But it just was what it was. Hopefully I might still get to see her at some point soon.
I did something I wouldn't have thought I would do I called my sister to talk. She actually made me feel better about the whole situation. Maybe there is a future of us getting back to being sisters again who can actually call and talk and give advice and comfort to each other. I do miss my sisters.
So after I got up I found myself wanting to eat. I decided I didn't care what the weather was like I was going to the gym today. I knew it was what I needed for myself to get rid of the anxiety. I knew if I didn't go I would eat and eat all day with no relief from the terrible internal anxiety. So I got dressed made myself a protein shake and was getting ready to head out to clean off the van and hope I could get out of the driveway.
Mike said he should go and walk on the treadmill too. He had went to the gym on Thursday with me and said he wants to get back to going with me every time. So it was really nice having him driving to the gym. The roads weren't very good at all and it made me feel that I had definitely done the right thing by not going up the road today. We saw 2 accidents with people going over the median. But we made it safely to the gym. We also stopped at the grocery store next door and picked up a few things. The grocery was crowded but the gym wasn't. I put in a hour of weight training and a hour of cardio. It felt terrific.
Riding back home it was just amazing to me. I felt SOOO calm. I felt bone tired but the calm I felt inside was amazing. It really made me realize just how much I've changed. Goodness I hope I can keep this thought process the rest of my life. I hope I can always choice the healthy path to relieving my anxiety over pints of ice cream.
Last night Mike and I went to Lowes and FINALLY we found a tree. Everything was 50% off (for real) and we got an ok looking 7' artificial tree. But what really excited me is I got an outside tree that was already decorated for our porch that is in a big decorative pot for just $35, it was originally $118. I told the woman that marked it down for me that she made my night.
Tonight Mike put our new tree up and the kids and I decorated it. It's a bit of a leaning tower of Pisa but it looks nice. We also have our outside tree in here because of all the snow we got lol. So I went from no trees to two *smile*. It definitely feels more Christmasy in here. Tomorrow I'll put some more decorations around and I need to get a pine scented candle at some point because Nicholas informed me that he needed some pine smell to go with the artificial tree.
I made some cookies for the kids tonight too and I didn't eat any. It was a good victory for me. I've learned to just make enough for everyone to have 3-4 cookies that way they are gone in minutes so I don't have to worry about leftovers staring me in the face.
I must have done something to my back at the gym today. I think it happened during the floor exercises or maybe I slept funny last night. Anyway, I'm not in good shape. I took some Motrin and I'm hoping tomorrow it will feel better.
Food has been good today. I've actually eaten low calories which makes up for yesterday. I made yummy chicken burritos tonight for dinner with a ton of peppers and onions and black beans. I think tomorrow I will make my big pot of soup and my protein bars though I'm wondering if I'll even have work on Monday. I think there is about a foot of snow outside now.
Well I've rambled enough. I had a nap tonight that's what I'm doing up at 3 in the morning.
Till tomorrow...
It started snowing about 6 or so last night though so I was pretty sure going far wasn't going to happen today. I kept hearing a foot of snow was coming. So my anxiety started last night. I just felt myself wanting to eat and I obliged my emotions. I ended up eating 2280 calories yesterday.
Today I woke up, looked outside and knew I wasn't going up the road. I called and left a msg for my niece saying I wouldn't be coming to the wedding and how sorry I was. I knew my sister and other nephew weren't going either. So that left no family members going. I know for my niece it's just about getting married so hopefully it all went well for her today. I never did hear from her though I had told her she could call me back to talk. I feel the disconnect between us and it makes me sad I couldn't be there to support her today. But it just was what it was. Hopefully I might still get to see her at some point soon.
I did something I wouldn't have thought I would do I called my sister to talk. She actually made me feel better about the whole situation. Maybe there is a future of us getting back to being sisters again who can actually call and talk and give advice and comfort to each other. I do miss my sisters.
So after I got up I found myself wanting to eat. I decided I didn't care what the weather was like I was going to the gym today. I knew it was what I needed for myself to get rid of the anxiety. I knew if I didn't go I would eat and eat all day with no relief from the terrible internal anxiety. So I got dressed made myself a protein shake and was getting ready to head out to clean off the van and hope I could get out of the driveway.
Mike said he should go and walk on the treadmill too. He had went to the gym on Thursday with me and said he wants to get back to going with me every time. So it was really nice having him driving to the gym. The roads weren't very good at all and it made me feel that I had definitely done the right thing by not going up the road today. We saw 2 accidents with people going over the median. But we made it safely to the gym. We also stopped at the grocery store next door and picked up a few things. The grocery was crowded but the gym wasn't. I put in a hour of weight training and a hour of cardio. It felt terrific.
Riding back home it was just amazing to me. I felt SOOO calm. I felt bone tired but the calm I felt inside was amazing. It really made me realize just how much I've changed. Goodness I hope I can keep this thought process the rest of my life. I hope I can always choice the healthy path to relieving my anxiety over pints of ice cream.
Last night Mike and I went to Lowes and FINALLY we found a tree. Everything was 50% off (for real) and we got an ok looking 7' artificial tree. But what really excited me is I got an outside tree that was already decorated for our porch that is in a big decorative pot for just $35, it was originally $118. I told the woman that marked it down for me that she made my night.
Tonight Mike put our new tree up and the kids and I decorated it. It's a bit of a leaning tower of Pisa but it looks nice. We also have our outside tree in here because of all the snow we got lol. So I went from no trees to two *smile*. It definitely feels more Christmasy in here. Tomorrow I'll put some more decorations around and I need to get a pine scented candle at some point because Nicholas informed me that he needed some pine smell to go with the artificial tree.
I made some cookies for the kids tonight too and I didn't eat any. It was a good victory for me. I've learned to just make enough for everyone to have 3-4 cookies that way they are gone in minutes so I don't have to worry about leftovers staring me in the face.
I must have done something to my back at the gym today. I think it happened during the floor exercises or maybe I slept funny last night. Anyway, I'm not in good shape. I took some Motrin and I'm hoping tomorrow it will feel better.
Food has been good today. I've actually eaten low calories which makes up for yesterday. I made yummy chicken burritos tonight for dinner with a ton of peppers and onions and black beans. I think tomorrow I will make my big pot of soup and my protein bars though I'm wondering if I'll even have work on Monday. I think there is about a foot of snow outside now.
Well I've rambled enough. I had a nap tonight that's what I'm doing up at 3 in the morning.
Till tomorrow...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Weigh-in Wednesday
I meant to post Wednesday night but I just never got to it. It was a busy day but I was excited about weigh-in and my TOPS meeting. I ended up losing another 3 lbs this week putting me at 185.4 lbs. So that means I have 2 weeks to lose that 0.4 lbs to be within my range which I definitely think is doable.
Our co-leader did the meeting Wednesday and I found it really good. We talked about fat and she had these cool test tubes with fat in them showing how much fat is in certain foods you buy at fast food places. I think it was a taco salad (not sure from where) that showed the most fat, 2 full tubes. It was pretty eye opening. She brought in a lot of packaged foods too to show the fat in them. I think reading labels is definitely a must if you plan on buying anything packaged or canned. Of course I'm not telling anyone anything they don't already know.
We decided to just have our TOPS holiday party on the 30th. We kept bouncing around dates and nothing seemed to work for everyone so we decided to just have it after Christmas which I think works out well for everyone.
After TOPS the coworkers, Mike and I went out to dinner. We went to the local Mexican place. Overall I thought I did pretty good. I just got 1 chicken enchilada, some beans and rice. I stopped myself at 3 tortilla chips too with a little salsa. I averaged the meal at about 580 which I didn't think was bad since I hadn't eaten anything since about 2:30 (it was 7:30).
After dinner Mike and I went to Wal-mart and did some Christmas shopping. I had to buy cookie dough to make Nicholas his science project too. Then I had to come home and bake it. The smell of cookies baking always makes me feel festive. Since Nicholas was already in bed he had to get up early yesterday morning to decorate his cookie sheet cookie with icing lol. I thought he did pretty good with it and the class enjoyed it. I can't imagine how much sweets the kids had yesterday though if everyone had to bring in some kind of food item to share as their project.
They had their Christmas parties and a school dance yesterday too so they got to wear regular clothes. I must admit I kind of like uniforms because it makes getting ready so easy. Yesterday on the other hand was a bit tough having to find both of them something suitable to wear. We definitely should have organized the clothing before we went to bed but Mike and I got home after they were both already in bed. I'm such a last minute person.
Today is their school program so I'll be going to that. Marie wore her new dress that she'll also wear to the niece's wedding tomorrow if we don't get snowed in. I told her to be careful and not get anything on it. She's so excited about wearing it. I'll have to make sure to take a picture. She's such a tomboy yet deep down I can tell she likes being girly too.
There is suppose to be a big bad storm coming our way tonight. I'm not sure what that will mean for us heading up the road to the wedding tomorrow. I'm hopeful it won't be a big deal and we can get there and back ok. I'm thinking we might stay up there over night but I've still not decided for sure. I'm looking forward to going though. I'm going to make sure all of us have what we are wearing ready though not like yesterday lol.
Last night Marie had swimming lessons and then Mike and I went to the gym. I got in my 2 hour workout so I'm feeling achy but good today.
There was a whole table of cookies and sweets here at work yesterday and again today. That's in addition to the regular punch size bowl of candy that's always here. I haven't had anything yet but I must admit I can't stop thinking about it. I've been stuffing my face with clementines for days. I ate 8 on Wednesday, 5 yesterday and have had 2 so far today. They seem to be my salvation this past week lol. At 30 calories a piece I can eat a LOT.
Thanks for all the comments on getting a new doctor. Christy asked a lot of good questions and the answer is no my doctor and I really didn't discuss much. Really picking my goal weight was about my mission to be Maryland TOPS queen this year. Of course that isn't really a good reason to pick a goal weight higher than I wanted but I've debated this for the past many weeks and I know that if whatever weight I am at the end of this month isn't really what I want to be I can always lose more weight.
I hate that I still feel I have to justify my goal weight. I know it's my own and it's something that I decide. The reason that I picked 178 lbs was because it was 200 lbs down from my all time high weight. I also picked it because at the time it would have made me have about 20% body fat which is normal for a woman. But since my gall bladder surgery I have lost a few lbs of muscle so really I should drop my goal weight to about 170. Which depending on if I can or can't gain back some of the lost muscle I might just do that. But for now I'm shooting for that 178 number by March.
With my 3 lb lose this week it puts me into the "overweight" category for my BMI. For me that is a huge victory since I have been in the morbidly obese category just about all my life. The last time I was just overweight I was probably about 8-9 yrs old. Really a number or a chart isn't what decides for me what I feel good about. I feel good about how far I've come. For me now this is about enjoying the rest of my life.
That's what I've learned through this 29+ month journey. That no matter what my weight on the scale is I can still do whatever I put my mind to. I see so many people not even trying when really a lot of people aren't even that overweight and could do so much more. I can say I feel better moving my body than just sitting in my recliner any day. For me, exercise is my mood booster and makes me feel empowered and strong. I can't imagine ever going back to the old Dawn that was so full of anxiety she needed to stuff her face with sweets and pints of haagen dazs daily. Sometimes I still wonder how I let myself get to that point.
I really believe depression plays a huge factor in a good majority of people's lives. I think most don't even realize they are depressed. I also think things we learned in childhood play a big role too. I don't mean to say that every obese person was abused as a child but I do believe that they learned to comfort themselves with food at some point. I think it's a learned behavior. I'm sure that isn't the case for everyone and for some it didn't happen till later in their lives but I do believe there is a connection between depression and eating for comfort and being obese.
I know I will never be "cured" and that this will be a daily challenge for me but I feel like I've connected enough pieces for myself to know what to do to conquer anything that comes along. I know food isn't going to fix the things wrong in my life. I must face things head on and just "get it done" and move on. I feel like I've mastered the skills I need to never go back to the morbidly obese me. I'm not saying I won't struggle sometimes or gain a few lbs every once in a while but I really believe I won't go back to the person I was mentally or physically. I must say that is a really good feeling.
Till tomorrow...
Our co-leader did the meeting Wednesday and I found it really good. We talked about fat and she had these cool test tubes with fat in them showing how much fat is in certain foods you buy at fast food places. I think it was a taco salad (not sure from where) that showed the most fat, 2 full tubes. It was pretty eye opening. She brought in a lot of packaged foods too to show the fat in them. I think reading labels is definitely a must if you plan on buying anything packaged or canned. Of course I'm not telling anyone anything they don't already know.
We decided to just have our TOPS holiday party on the 30th. We kept bouncing around dates and nothing seemed to work for everyone so we decided to just have it after Christmas which I think works out well for everyone.
After TOPS the coworkers, Mike and I went out to dinner. We went to the local Mexican place. Overall I thought I did pretty good. I just got 1 chicken enchilada, some beans and rice. I stopped myself at 3 tortilla chips too with a little salsa. I averaged the meal at about 580 which I didn't think was bad since I hadn't eaten anything since about 2:30 (it was 7:30).
After dinner Mike and I went to Wal-mart and did some Christmas shopping. I had to buy cookie dough to make Nicholas his science project too. Then I had to come home and bake it. The smell of cookies baking always makes me feel festive. Since Nicholas was already in bed he had to get up early yesterday morning to decorate his cookie sheet cookie with icing lol. I thought he did pretty good with it and the class enjoyed it. I can't imagine how much sweets the kids had yesterday though if everyone had to bring in some kind of food item to share as their project.
They had their Christmas parties and a school dance yesterday too so they got to wear regular clothes. I must admit I kind of like uniforms because it makes getting ready so easy. Yesterday on the other hand was a bit tough having to find both of them something suitable to wear. We definitely should have organized the clothing before we went to bed but Mike and I got home after they were both already in bed. I'm such a last minute person.
Today is their school program so I'll be going to that. Marie wore her new dress that she'll also wear to the niece's wedding tomorrow if we don't get snowed in. I told her to be careful and not get anything on it. She's so excited about wearing it. I'll have to make sure to take a picture. She's such a tomboy yet deep down I can tell she likes being girly too.
There is suppose to be a big bad storm coming our way tonight. I'm not sure what that will mean for us heading up the road to the wedding tomorrow. I'm hopeful it won't be a big deal and we can get there and back ok. I'm thinking we might stay up there over night but I've still not decided for sure. I'm looking forward to going though. I'm going to make sure all of us have what we are wearing ready though not like yesterday lol.
Last night Marie had swimming lessons and then Mike and I went to the gym. I got in my 2 hour workout so I'm feeling achy but good today.
There was a whole table of cookies and sweets here at work yesterday and again today. That's in addition to the regular punch size bowl of candy that's always here. I haven't had anything yet but I must admit I can't stop thinking about it. I've been stuffing my face with clementines for days. I ate 8 on Wednesday, 5 yesterday and have had 2 so far today. They seem to be my salvation this past week lol. At 30 calories a piece I can eat a LOT.
Thanks for all the comments on getting a new doctor. Christy asked a lot of good questions and the answer is no my doctor and I really didn't discuss much. Really picking my goal weight was about my mission to be Maryland TOPS queen this year. Of course that isn't really a good reason to pick a goal weight higher than I wanted but I've debated this for the past many weeks and I know that if whatever weight I am at the end of this month isn't really what I want to be I can always lose more weight.
I hate that I still feel I have to justify my goal weight. I know it's my own and it's something that I decide. The reason that I picked 178 lbs was because it was 200 lbs down from my all time high weight. I also picked it because at the time it would have made me have about 20% body fat which is normal for a woman. But since my gall bladder surgery I have lost a few lbs of muscle so really I should drop my goal weight to about 170. Which depending on if I can or can't gain back some of the lost muscle I might just do that. But for now I'm shooting for that 178 number by March.
With my 3 lb lose this week it puts me into the "overweight" category for my BMI. For me that is a huge victory since I have been in the morbidly obese category just about all my life. The last time I was just overweight I was probably about 8-9 yrs old. Really a number or a chart isn't what decides for me what I feel good about. I feel good about how far I've come. For me now this is about enjoying the rest of my life.
That's what I've learned through this 29+ month journey. That no matter what my weight on the scale is I can still do whatever I put my mind to. I see so many people not even trying when really a lot of people aren't even that overweight and could do so much more. I can say I feel better moving my body than just sitting in my recliner any day. For me, exercise is my mood booster and makes me feel empowered and strong. I can't imagine ever going back to the old Dawn that was so full of anxiety she needed to stuff her face with sweets and pints of haagen dazs daily. Sometimes I still wonder how I let myself get to that point.
I really believe depression plays a huge factor in a good majority of people's lives. I think most don't even realize they are depressed. I also think things we learned in childhood play a big role too. I don't mean to say that every obese person was abused as a child but I do believe that they learned to comfort themselves with food at some point. I think it's a learned behavior. I'm sure that isn't the case for everyone and for some it didn't happen till later in their lives but I do believe there is a connection between depression and eating for comfort and being obese.
I know I will never be "cured" and that this will be a daily challenge for me but I feel like I've connected enough pieces for myself to know what to do to conquer anything that comes along. I know food isn't going to fix the things wrong in my life. I must face things head on and just "get it done" and move on. I feel like I've mastered the skills I need to never go back to the morbidly obese me. I'm not saying I won't struggle sometimes or gain a few lbs every once in a while but I really believe I won't go back to the person I was mentally or physically. I must say that is a really good feeling.
Till tomorrow...
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Picking My Goal Weight
Well yesterday I went to the doctors. I will admit sometimes stuff just irritates me but I just brushed it off. It seems like every time I go to the doctors office she has forgotten who I am. It's not because of my weight loss either it just seems like she can't remember. She will sit with me and ask the same questions again and again and the funny thing is she takes tons of notes. So really if she would just read her own notes from my last visit she would at least seem like she knows who I am.
Anyway, it started off with the nurse. I think I had seen her once before but more resent so she had no clue about my weight loss. She did noticed that I had lost 23 lbs since the last time I was in there though. So while she took my blood pressure we talked about weight loss and how tough it can be. I told her about my weight loss and she looked through my chart. She congratulated me and said the doctor would be right in.
Then the doctor comes in and we start talking and she's asking all the same questions then she asked when I had gastric bypass surgery. I felt like rolling my eyes but instead I told her that I didn't have gastric bypass surgery and she said well it says "stomach stapling" here and so I clued her in again for like the 10th time that I had my stomach stapled when I was 15 yrs old in 1982 and shortly after losing about 100 lbs gained it all back plus more up to my high weight of 378. It was just annoying and though I've always liked her (maybe because she's over weight herself) a part of me felt like my doctor should actually know who I am after so many years (probably 6-7). A new doctor might be in my future.
But I did get my goal weight from her. We talked about it and she agreed that losing much more weight might make my face look gaunt and she said my upper body already looks pretty thin. So we picked 185-175. I weighed in at her office at 186 so I'm hoping I will see at least that tonight. A part of me kept stressing should I have just went with the 180-190 she suggested so I was already there but I really want my true goal weight of 178 in my range so I can still obtain it by March.
Yesterday morning I took Kevin to the doctors too. He had some kind of rash/sores on his leg that the school nurse thought might be MRSA. Well it is MRSA, thankfully though it's not in his blood yet so I'm hopeful he can get it cleared up without having to have surgery to cut it out, ekkk. I wish he would have told me there were more sores days ago. About a week ago or so he had showed me one sore. It just looked like an ingrown hair that had gotten infected. Yesterday he had like 7-8 places on his leg. It sounds like it's not something hard to get in the wrestling community. I just hope none of the rest of us catch it.
I talked with his coach (old renter) and he agreed that Kevin shouldn't be going to wrestling till it's all cleared up. Kevin of course was pretty bummed about it all. I felt bad for him but it will give Mike and I a break from all the running we've been doing since he got punished.
Marie had swim practice last night. I was so exhausted since I didn't sleep well the night before I ended up taking a 30 min nap before I took her. It was just what I needed. After swim practice I dropped her at home and headed to the gym. It was 8:45 before I got there. But I put in 2 hours and 15 mins and then even stopped at the grocery for some fruit since I was all out. I didn't get home and in bed till after midnight.
Today at work I'm not doing all that much. We are counting inventory so I need to go in the back and start doing that.
Tonight is weigh-in and I'm hoping for a good number.
Till tomorrow...
Anyway, it started off with the nurse. I think I had seen her once before but more resent so she had no clue about my weight loss. She did noticed that I had lost 23 lbs since the last time I was in there though. So while she took my blood pressure we talked about weight loss and how tough it can be. I told her about my weight loss and she looked through my chart. She congratulated me and said the doctor would be right in.
Then the doctor comes in and we start talking and she's asking all the same questions then she asked when I had gastric bypass surgery. I felt like rolling my eyes but instead I told her that I didn't have gastric bypass surgery and she said well it says "stomach stapling" here and so I clued her in again for like the 10th time that I had my stomach stapled when I was 15 yrs old in 1982 and shortly after losing about 100 lbs gained it all back plus more up to my high weight of 378. It was just annoying and though I've always liked her (maybe because she's over weight herself) a part of me felt like my doctor should actually know who I am after so many years (probably 6-7). A new doctor might be in my future.
But I did get my goal weight from her. We talked about it and she agreed that losing much more weight might make my face look gaunt and she said my upper body already looks pretty thin. So we picked 185-175. I weighed in at her office at 186 so I'm hoping I will see at least that tonight. A part of me kept stressing should I have just went with the 180-190 she suggested so I was already there but I really want my true goal weight of 178 in my range so I can still obtain it by March.
Yesterday morning I took Kevin to the doctors too. He had some kind of rash/sores on his leg that the school nurse thought might be MRSA. Well it is MRSA, thankfully though it's not in his blood yet so I'm hopeful he can get it cleared up without having to have surgery to cut it out, ekkk. I wish he would have told me there were more sores days ago. About a week ago or so he had showed me one sore. It just looked like an ingrown hair that had gotten infected. Yesterday he had like 7-8 places on his leg. It sounds like it's not something hard to get in the wrestling community. I just hope none of the rest of us catch it.
I talked with his coach (old renter) and he agreed that Kevin shouldn't be going to wrestling till it's all cleared up. Kevin of course was pretty bummed about it all. I felt bad for him but it will give Mike and I a break from all the running we've been doing since he got punished.
Marie had swim practice last night. I was so exhausted since I didn't sleep well the night before I ended up taking a 30 min nap before I took her. It was just what I needed. After swim practice I dropped her at home and headed to the gym. It was 8:45 before I got there. But I put in 2 hours and 15 mins and then even stopped at the grocery for some fruit since I was all out. I didn't get home and in bed till after midnight.
Today at work I'm not doing all that much. We are counting inventory so I need to go in the back and start doing that.
Tonight is weigh-in and I'm hoping for a good number.
Till tomorrow...
Monday, December 14, 2009
A good but busy Sunday
After my lazy Saturday I knew Sunday was going to be much busier. I probably should have gotten in some exercise on Saturday but I was full of aches and pains and just didn't feel like it.
The fire trucks showed up but couldn't find anything wrong. I did see them back there last night with their ladders out so maybe they finally found something. Thankfully though the place looked empty. Hope they figure that out or no one will trust the place.
After I got back home from the store the phone rang and it was my oldest sister. The conversation went pretty well but we didn't get to talk too long because my coworkers showed up and we had to leave for our Christmas house tour. I told her I would call her back though so I will try to do that tomorrow. It sounds like she's willing to see me but we will probably just go out somewhere.
On the food front, almost every house had a spread of goodies laid out. I managed to get through all those houses with only 2 cookies, 3 candied pecans and a peanut butter ball. I did have a cup of coffee at several houses too but limited my creamer so my total damage was only about 400 calories and since I missed lunch I think I did ok. After the house tours we went out to dinner. I got Tilapia with crab, green beans and applesauce, it was really yummy and fixed just right without all the butter and grease that sometimes seems to come on fish. I ate about half my meal and took the rest home to Kevin.
After we got home Kevin told me my niece had called. So I called her back. Well she's getting married on Saturday and invited us to come. It's only about a hour and a half from us so I told her we would come. I still have mixed feelings about it all but her future husband seems to be a nice guy and hopefully he is what she wants. I just want to see her happy. It will be nice to see her. We will also get to see my sister and other nephew there.
I took Marie out tonight and bought her a new dress. She needed one for her school Christmas concert anyway so I figure she can wear it to the wedding too. I looked for a new dress for myself too but didn't find anything I liked. I have the size 16 dress I bought for my TOPS thing in July and I had it on a few weeks ago and it still looks pretty good so I guess I'll just wear that. Had to buy new shoes for Marie and Nicholas too. It's so easy to spend money going anywhere.
I'm not sure if we will spend the night up there or not. It's just a small wedding she said with about 20 people so I'm hoping we will actually get to spend some time with her then. Guess we will see how it all goes. I am looking forward to going even though it is super close to Christmas and I still have a ton to get done.
Nicholas has been excited about his best friend's Birthday party for weeks so I've decided I'm just going to let him go to that. It's an over night thing so if we decide to stay over night it won't be a big deal.
We had someone come look at the cottage today. We had a call yesterday too but both people didn't like the idea of a years lease and it's a must for us because who wants to go through the re-renting process more than once a year, not me. It's a big pain and expensive. Usually when I place the ad we have quite a few calls within the first few days this time we haven't. I'm hoping the calls or emails will pick up or just that right person will show up.
I ended up going to the gym last night and doing a hour of weight training and a hour of cardio. I was totally exhausted after the Christmas house tours and dinner but I knew I needed to get there anyway. I was glad I went though I'm definitely feeling it today. I don't usually like doing weight training on Tuesdays but I'll try to get in at least some cardio tomorrow. I'm hoping weigh-in on Wednesday is going to be good.
I called my doctor's office today and asked if I could just stop by to get my goal weight approved but the doctor wanted to see me. I think it's more she wants to make some extra money lol. So I have to go in tomorrow. It feels weird to be so close to goal. I keep feeling like my goal weight is high and that I feel like I have to justify it. I have no idea why I feel that way. I know it's about how I feel not what others think.
Food has been good today. I ate 6 clementines at work lol they were just so good I couldn't stop eating them. I guess it's definitely better than eating from the candy bowl. I need to find out where they came from so I can go get a box of my own.
I felt like I had more to say but I can't remember what I wanted to talk about now lol. Oh well it will come to me eventually and the I'll forget it again before I get it wrote down.
Till tomorrow...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Just hanging around
Well today was a relaxing day. I slept in till 10:30 then got up showered and took Marie to a Birthday party. Then I came home played on the computer and cooked some chili and corn muffins. Then I went and got Marie, did a little laundry and cleaned the kitchen. It felt good not to have anything pressing to do.
Tomorrow at 1pm I have a date with Mike and 2 of my co-workers. We are going to do a cool Christmas house tour thing put on by J. It includes the Maryland state house and a lot of other cool old houses in the area. It will just be nice to actually go out on a date with another couple. I can't even remember the last time we did that.
I also need to go shopping for the tree tomorrow. I want to fit in my gym workout too. It sounds like tomorrow won't be lazy by any stretch lol. I'm looking forward to it though.
I keep thinking about making cookies. It's not that I want to eat them it's really more about just going through the process so Marie can help make them with me. I think Nicholas would like to help too. It's just something that would be fun. I'm going to look for some yummy healthier oatmeal ones and maybe some peanut butter ones.
I never did call my oldest sister again today. I know she has caller id and I kind of feel if she wanted to talk she would call back. I will try again this week though if I don't hear from her. If she doesn't answer this next time I will leave a message and then if I don't hear back from her I will know she doesn't want to talk.
I did call my girlfriend today though and it was so nice talking to her. We talked for a really long time and it made me realize how much I miss talking to her more often. I'm looking forward to seeing her this year. We talked a lot about plastic surgery too which was very interesting.
Mike is off picking Kevin up from wrestling. He got his first pin last night so maybe he got another win today. He needed several more wins today though to place high in the tournament so I'm crossing my fingers he did ok. I felt a little guilty not going to the tournament today but I really just needed a day home. I told him I would try to come to the match on Tuesday.
It's going to be a busy few weeks for me. But I get the whole week off between Christmas and New Years so I'm excited about the idea of 11 days away from work.
I know this is a weight loss blog so guess I should talk about that huh lol. I have ate well this week and the scale is showing me some love. I'm hoping for another decent lose this week so hopefully the number I saw this morning will still be there by Wednesday.
Till tomorrow...
Tomorrow at 1pm I have a date with Mike and 2 of my co-workers. We are going to do a cool Christmas house tour thing put on by J. It includes the Maryland state house and a lot of other cool old houses in the area. It will just be nice to actually go out on a date with another couple. I can't even remember the last time we did that.
I also need to go shopping for the tree tomorrow. I want to fit in my gym workout too. It sounds like tomorrow won't be lazy by any stretch lol. I'm looking forward to it though.
I keep thinking about making cookies. It's not that I want to eat them it's really more about just going through the process so Marie can help make them with me. I think Nicholas would like to help too. It's just something that would be fun. I'm going to look for some yummy healthier oatmeal ones and maybe some peanut butter ones.
I never did call my oldest sister again today. I know she has caller id and I kind of feel if she wanted to talk she would call back. I will try again this week though if I don't hear from her. If she doesn't answer this next time I will leave a message and then if I don't hear back from her I will know she doesn't want to talk.
I did call my girlfriend today though and it was so nice talking to her. We talked for a really long time and it made me realize how much I miss talking to her more often. I'm looking forward to seeing her this year. We talked a lot about plastic surgery too which was very interesting.
Mike is off picking Kevin up from wrestling. He got his first pin last night so maybe he got another win today. He needed several more wins today though to place high in the tournament so I'm crossing my fingers he did ok. I felt a little guilty not going to the tournament today but I really just needed a day home. I told him I would try to come to the match on Tuesday.
It's going to be a busy few weeks for me. But I get the whole week off between Christmas and New Years so I'm excited about the idea of 11 days away from work.
I know this is a weight loss blog so guess I should talk about that huh lol. I have ate well this week and the scale is showing me some love. I'm hoping for another decent lose this week so hopefully the number I saw this morning will still be there by Wednesday.
Till tomorrow...
Friday, December 11, 2009
A pretty good day
I had a pretty good day today. It was stressful at work but I did get a break and went to Mike's company Christmas party. It really wasn't much just lunch but it was nice getting away. The wife I usually hang with at the Christmas party did show up, we were the only two wives so I was glad I wasn't alone and I had someone to chat with. I got some nice comments about my weight loss since some people hadn't seen me since last year too.
I'm glad it's Friday so I don't have to think about work till Monday. Tomorrow Marie has a Birthday party to go to and Kevin has a wrestling tournament but otherwise there's not much going on. Mike will be working on a few things over at the cottage. I finally placed the ad today so I'm hopeful to get a few calls over the weekend.
I've always felt that through my life God has watched over me. Today Mike called me at work and told me that he got a BIG Christmas bonus this year. So all my worries about Christmas are now relieved. It felt really good. Mike of course was thinking about all the things he could buy lol.
After I got home I did finally call my sister (Kevin's mom). We talked for about a half hour or so and it went really well. So we will make set plans to see each other and Kevin's brother the week after Christmas. We all will drive up to see them. I'm feeling positive about it all. I also tried calling my other sister but she didn't answer the phone and I didn't leave a msg. I will try calling again tomorrow.
I will confess even as well as the call with my sister went I was still super full of anxiety. I don't know why I get that way whenever I talk to either of my sisters. I wish I could figure it out and just get over it.
I need to get moving with Christmas. Mike said Target has 50% off all their trees on Sunday so I guess I will go pick out a tree then, hopefully they will have something I like. I also plan on doing some Christmas shopping. Mike has said I can buy myself a new laptop if I want *big smile*.
I did go to the gym tonight. I was there 2 hours and 15 mins. It felt really good. The place was pretty dead which was also nice. I did dips again tonight on the assist machine. I can't say they thrill me lol. I think the trainer was right that dips are hard on the shoulders.
My miss Samma girl is sleeping in my lap. My old girl is 15 or 16 now. She seems to always want to be in my lap when I'm home. She was drooling on my arm earlier lol.
Well it's shower time.
Till tomorrow...
I'm glad it's Friday so I don't have to think about work till Monday. Tomorrow Marie has a Birthday party to go to and Kevin has a wrestling tournament but otherwise there's not much going on. Mike will be working on a few things over at the cottage. I finally placed the ad today so I'm hopeful to get a few calls over the weekend.
I've always felt that through my life God has watched over me. Today Mike called me at work and told me that he got a BIG Christmas bonus this year. So all my worries about Christmas are now relieved. It felt really good. Mike of course was thinking about all the things he could buy lol.
After I got home I did finally call my sister (Kevin's mom). We talked for about a half hour or so and it went really well. So we will make set plans to see each other and Kevin's brother the week after Christmas. We all will drive up to see them. I'm feeling positive about it all. I also tried calling my other sister but she didn't answer the phone and I didn't leave a msg. I will try calling again tomorrow.
I will confess even as well as the call with my sister went I was still super full of anxiety. I don't know why I get that way whenever I talk to either of my sisters. I wish I could figure it out and just get over it.
I need to get moving with Christmas. Mike said Target has 50% off all their trees on Sunday so I guess I will go pick out a tree then, hopefully they will have something I like. I also plan on doing some Christmas shopping. Mike has said I can buy myself a new laptop if I want *big smile*.
I did go to the gym tonight. I was there 2 hours and 15 mins. It felt really good. The place was pretty dead which was also nice. I did dips again tonight on the assist machine. I can't say they thrill me lol. I think the trainer was right that dips are hard on the shoulders.
My miss Samma girl is sleeping in my lap. My old girl is 15 or 16 now. She seems to always want to be in my lap when I'm home. She was drooling on my arm earlier lol.
Well it's shower time.
Till tomorrow...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sharing with my children
Yesterday Nicholas and Marie had a dentist appointment. So I picked them up and we headed to the dentist's office. It's about 50 mins away from their school so it was a good little drive. On the way back I found myself telling them about my life. I guess they've only heard bits and pieces over the years so they really didn't know much about my growing up years or young adult years before they came along. They both found it very interesting. Nicholas really connected with it all too and started saying how he needs to be more appreciative of his life. When we got home last night he said he was going to try to do better in school because I had inspired him, that really made me feel good.
I don't really know where I've been the past several days. I actually started this post yesterday but then never got back to it. It's been busy at work so I really haven't had a lot of time to post or read blogs. I'm hopeful things will slow down in a few days so I can catch up. I've just felt kind of quiet too if that's possible lol.
Today we had another go around with Kevin. I don't even feel up to talking about it. It's nothing major just more sneaking around. I know it's about him wanting to see his girlfriend. I can see his side of things since she doesn't go to his school but he punished and it's just the way it is. I wish he would just serve his time so we can all get back to normal. So we gave him 3 more days so that pushes it to December 30th. Hopefully he won't make it go any longer than that.
Well weigh-in went well last night. I'm down to 188.4 lbs. J told me to just go to the doctor and have her sign off on a goal range of like 175-185 that way I can just pick my goal weight as whatever I am at the last weigh-in of the year. Then I can lose the last few lbs before March. I think I've said all this before lol. It seems so weird to be close to my goal. I kept wondering if 178 would be low enough for me and at this point I really think it will be. It will put me around a size 12 I believe and I've always said that would make me happy.
After TOPS last night I went to the gym and did a 2 hour workout. I'm really feeling this new routine, my body is full of aches and pains, but I think it's the reason the scale is moving well. I plan on hitting the gym tomorrow night too.
Tonight Marie had swim lessons so I took her to that while Mike did a few more things over at the cottage. I'm going to go ahead and place the ad for it tomorrow. There are still a few things left to do over there but at this point we just need to finish it up so we can start showing the place.
I actually ordered a few things for the kids for Christmas today. I'm behind with Christmas as usual. I guess Saturday will be my day to find a tree and get my decorations up. I'm use to having a real tree so not even giving it thought till about the week before Christmas lol so actually thinking about it earlier is new to me.
My mom called today to tell me she won't be coming for Christmas. I have mixed feelings about it. It will be nice that we won't have to go get her and take her back (she lives 2 hours away) but I will be a bit sad without my mom on Christmas day. I'm use to her spending Christmas with us. I know she just doesn't want to leave her dogs. Hopefully she'll go to my sister's house for dinner at least.
I've still not called my sisters. I know I want to and that I will but for some reason I keep putting it off, maybe this weekend.
Well till tomorrow...
Today we had another go around with Kevin. I don't even feel up to talking about it. It's nothing major just more sneaking around. I know it's about him wanting to see his girlfriend. I can see his side of things since she doesn't go to his school but he punished and it's just the way it is. I wish he would just serve his time so we can all get back to normal. So we gave him 3 more days so that pushes it to December 30th. Hopefully he won't make it go any longer than that.
Well weigh-in went well last night. I'm down to 188.4 lbs. J told me to just go to the doctor and have her sign off on a goal range of like 175-185 that way I can just pick my goal weight as whatever I am at the last weigh-in of the year. Then I can lose the last few lbs before March. I think I've said all this before lol. It seems so weird to be close to my goal. I kept wondering if 178 would be low enough for me and at this point I really think it will be. It will put me around a size 12 I believe and I've always said that would make me happy.
After TOPS last night I went to the gym and did a 2 hour workout. I'm really feeling this new routine, my body is full of aches and pains, but I think it's the reason the scale is moving well. I plan on hitting the gym tomorrow night too.
Tonight Marie had swim lessons so I took her to that while Mike did a few more things over at the cottage. I'm going to go ahead and place the ad for it tomorrow. There are still a few things left to do over there but at this point we just need to finish it up so we can start showing the place.
I actually ordered a few things for the kids for Christmas today. I'm behind with Christmas as usual. I guess Saturday will be my day to find a tree and get my decorations up. I'm use to having a real tree so not even giving it thought till about the week before Christmas lol so actually thinking about it earlier is new to me.
My mom called today to tell me she won't be coming for Christmas. I have mixed feelings about it. It will be nice that we won't have to go get her and take her back (she lives 2 hours away) but I will be a bit sad without my mom on Christmas day. I'm use to her spending Christmas with us. I know she just doesn't want to leave her dogs. Hopefully she'll go to my sister's house for dinner at least.
I've still not called my sisters. I know I want to and that I will but for some reason I keep putting it off, maybe this weekend.
Well till tomorrow...
Monday, December 7, 2009
Monday already?
I can't hardly believe it's Monday already. My Sunday seemed to go by so quickly. I never did get any decorations up either. Marie and I went to Wal-mart to pick out an artificial tree but the one we liked was all sold out so I guess we'll be going somewhere else to look for one or wait for more to come in. We did have fun shopping though and both of us got new winter coats. I couldn't hardly believe it but I'm wearing a 12/14. When I see clothes my size now hanging on the rakes it's hard for me to believe I can fit in them. I think I need a new pair of jeans too. Maybe Santa will buy me a few new clothes for Christmas.
I didn't make it to the gym yesterday. My whole body still ached from Saturday's workout. I think going up and down the bleachers a ton of times at the school on Friday and Saturday did a number on my legs too. I do plan on going tonight though and putting in my 2 hour workout.
The scale is showing me up this morning but I have TTOM so I'm guessing that's why. I'm hoping it will be back down by weigh-in on Wednesday. I'd really like to see the 180's this week.
Friday was a crazy eating day for me. I've come to realize that when I eat out and don't eat all that healthy then my body seems to want more of the same. It might just be because it's TTOM but I'm not sure. I know a few days before TTOM I usually want to eat the house so maybe that was it.
I never did call anyone this weekend. I don't really have anywhere private to talk so most of the time then I just don't. Guess that's why I end up putting all my stuff on here because otherwise I wouldn't get it out. I totally agree with the people that said when you have that feeling to call someone it's usually for a reason. That has happened to me time and time again so I will try to call my sisters this week and see how they both are doing.
Mike and Kevin got the window in at the cottage yesterday. We still have a few little things to do over there but I'm hopeful I can post the ad for the place by Wednesday. This close to Christmas though I'm not sure how many people I'll get wanting to rent.
I got my protein bars made yesterday, I made banana and pumpkin this week so Mike can have some too. I still have soup left from last week so I'll be eating that for lunch again this week. I made up my fruit salad too. So I'm all prepared with food.
Tonight at the gym I'll be trying chin-ups. I think I will just be doing them on the assisted machine. I'm going to get the older trainer guy to show me the right way to use it if he's there. Mondays are always so crowded at the gym so I'll probably try to go late. With the new year coming too that's going to bring in the people. It already feels pretty crowded there most of the time. I'm a creature of habit so it's tough for me dealing with new people. I'm sure I'll suck it up and live through it though lol.
Well I better get some work done. The boss is back on Wednesday.
Till tomorrow...
I didn't make it to the gym yesterday. My whole body still ached from Saturday's workout. I think going up and down the bleachers a ton of times at the school on Friday and Saturday did a number on my legs too. I do plan on going tonight though and putting in my 2 hour workout.
The scale is showing me up this morning but I have TTOM so I'm guessing that's why. I'm hoping it will be back down by weigh-in on Wednesday. I'd really like to see the 180's this week.
Friday was a crazy eating day for me. I've come to realize that when I eat out and don't eat all that healthy then my body seems to want more of the same. It might just be because it's TTOM but I'm not sure. I know a few days before TTOM I usually want to eat the house so maybe that was it.
I never did call anyone this weekend. I don't really have anywhere private to talk so most of the time then I just don't. Guess that's why I end up putting all my stuff on here because otherwise I wouldn't get it out. I totally agree with the people that said when you have that feeling to call someone it's usually for a reason. That has happened to me time and time again so I will try to call my sisters this week and see how they both are doing.
Mike and Kevin got the window in at the cottage yesterday. We still have a few little things to do over there but I'm hopeful I can post the ad for the place by Wednesday. This close to Christmas though I'm not sure how many people I'll get wanting to rent.
I got my protein bars made yesterday, I made banana and pumpkin this week so Mike can have some too. I still have soup left from last week so I'll be eating that for lunch again this week. I made up my fruit salad too. So I'm all prepared with food.
Tonight at the gym I'll be trying chin-ups. I think I will just be doing them on the assisted machine. I'm going to get the older trainer guy to show me the right way to use it if he's there. Mondays are always so crowded at the gym so I'll probably try to go late. With the new year coming too that's going to bring in the people. It already feels pretty crowded there most of the time. I'm a creature of habit so it's tough for me dealing with new people. I'm sure I'll suck it up and live through it though lol.
Well I better get some work done. The boss is back on Wednesday.
Till tomorrow...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
my first wrestling match
Last night the family and I went and saw Kevin compete in his first wrestling match. We saw 2 actually. But sadly he didn't win either. But it was pretty unfair since he was wrestling in the 189 lbs weight class when he's only 170. Since this is his first year wrestling some of the longer time wrestlers get dibs on the weight classes.
Today though I could tell Kevin really wanted me to go see him wrestle again since he would be in his own weight class. I really wanted him to get his first win too so I went and stuck around for the rest of the matches (4 total). I will confess it was super exciting. I loved yelling for Kevin since it's not like me to do that. He won 2 of the matches which I was soooo happy about. It was nice my old renter is one of his coaches too because then he was filling me in on things. His wife showed up too so we got to chat. She's pregnant which I was so excited for them about. They've only been married since August so they work fast lol.
I also spent about 5 hours with Kevin's girlfriend today. It was a little uncomfortable but I really tried hard to make the best of it. I think she got to see a different side of me. I had packed lunch for all 3 of us but she didn't want to eat and neither did Kevin. It was clear to me that there are big time problems between them. They just didn't seem happy to see each other. I made a comment like "you two should have smiles on your faces" so after that they did try a bit harder to be better with each other. I felt sad for both of them since it just doesn't make sense to me why stay with a person if they don't make you happy. Anyway, I kept my mouth shut and made the best of it.
After the matches I followed the bus back to the school and then Kevin and I headed home. Then I headed to the gym. I had told myself I was going to put in 2 hours today so I did. I am totally exhausted right now but happy I got in my workout. It was kind of weird going to the gym and having only 1 other person in there. A few more did arrive while I was there. I tried the assisted dip machine. I tried to do a dip on my own but it just wasn't happening. My new workouts are tough. My arms and legs feel like they want to fall off lol.
Mike's in bed sick. I hope I don't catch it. I really can't afford to be sick right now. Really he can't afford to be sick either. It might be Kevin and I trying to put the new window in over at the cottage tomorrow lol. I told him we have to finish everything up over there by tomorrow. I have to put an ad up for the place this week.
Every night I feel like I want to call someone but then talk myself out of it. A part of me would like to talk to one of my sisters but I think I'll probably wait till it's closer to Christmas. My niece still hasn't called me back or emailed. I've still been feeling kind of bad about that too. I wish I could let it go but I just can't seem to. I hate when I have things that bug me like that.
Well I'm worn out.
Till tomorrow...
Today though I could tell Kevin really wanted me to go see him wrestle again since he would be in his own weight class. I really wanted him to get his first win too so I went and stuck around for the rest of the matches (4 total). I will confess it was super exciting. I loved yelling for Kevin since it's not like me to do that. He won 2 of the matches which I was soooo happy about. It was nice my old renter is one of his coaches too because then he was filling me in on things. His wife showed up too so we got to chat. She's pregnant which I was so excited for them about. They've only been married since August so they work fast lol.
I also spent about 5 hours with Kevin's girlfriend today. It was a little uncomfortable but I really tried hard to make the best of it. I think she got to see a different side of me. I had packed lunch for all 3 of us but she didn't want to eat and neither did Kevin. It was clear to me that there are big time problems between them. They just didn't seem happy to see each other. I made a comment like "you two should have smiles on your faces" so after that they did try a bit harder to be better with each other. I felt sad for both of them since it just doesn't make sense to me why stay with a person if they don't make you happy. Anyway, I kept my mouth shut and made the best of it.
After the matches I followed the bus back to the school and then Kevin and I headed home. Then I headed to the gym. I had told myself I was going to put in 2 hours today so I did. I am totally exhausted right now but happy I got in my workout. It was kind of weird going to the gym and having only 1 other person in there. A few more did arrive while I was there. I tried the assisted dip machine. I tried to do a dip on my own but it just wasn't happening. My new workouts are tough. My arms and legs feel like they want to fall off lol.
Mike's in bed sick. I hope I don't catch it. I really can't afford to be sick right now. Really he can't afford to be sick either. It might be Kevin and I trying to put the new window in over at the cottage tomorrow lol. I told him we have to finish everything up over there by tomorrow. I have to put an ad up for the place this week.
Every night I feel like I want to call someone but then talk myself out of it. A part of me would like to talk to one of my sisters but I think I'll probably wait till it's closer to Christmas. My niece still hasn't called me back or emailed. I've still been feeling kind of bad about that too. I wish I could let it go but I just can't seem to. I hate when I have things that bug me like that.
Well I'm worn out.
Till tomorrow...
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Friday already
Having Monday off really has made this week fly by. But then the closer we get to Christmas the faster the time is going to go by. It's because I'm the queen of procrastination and I've gotten nothing done for Christmas yet. I've not put up the first Christmas decoration or bought the first gift. I seem to do this every year but I always manage to get everything done.
I'm trying hard not to stress myself out this year but with no rental income things are getting tighter by the day. Mike's mom bestowed on us a check for Christmas though that will definitely help. It seems like I'm always watched over when needed. I'm thankful that seems to be how things go.
I was upset Wednesday night. I finally got to talk to my mom and she told me that my sister (Kevin's mom) and my nephew (Kevin's brother) had went and had Thanksgiving with my niece (Kevin's sister). It wasn't that they spent the holiday together that bothered me it was that I have been trying to contact my niece for about 2 months now.
I started to come here and pour it all out but then I rethought about it and decided to send a private email to a friend. Not that it would have been a bad thing to say it all here but I keep wondering if some of my family is reading this blog without me knowing. I don't know why I can't just let go of my feelings concerning my niece and let her decide to talk in her own time. I think it's because I don't know why she's upset with me. I don't know what I've done wrong.
I think she thinks I've turned Kevin against her and my sister and nephew. But it's his choice to talk to them or not and I have always been supportive of whatever he had decided to do. It seemed like after my niece and Kevin talked on the phone back in October while I wasn't home she now won't answer my calls or emails. Kevin said "don't put this on me aunt Dawn" and I know he's right. I know Kevin would never intentionally say something to my niece to hurt me. I am feeling a little better about it all today but I know until I actually get to talk to her I'm going to keep fretting over it. I know I only have control over myself so I keep reminding myself of that.
I also got a card from my sister (Kevin's mom) Wednesday. I give that to her, that regardless of if we've talked or not she always sends Birthday cards and Christmas cards. She had put a little sketch she had done of Kevin in it and a picture of her and her boyfriend. She also taped two dollar coins inside for Nicholas and Marie. I do plan on seeing her and my nephew around Christmas and Kevin has agreed to go with me. So I'm hoping maybe my niece will come too and we can clear the air some.
I talked to Mike about it all too and he helped me feel better. I know my niece is only 23 yrs old and she needs to figure things out for herself. I know me telling her things sometimes just goes in one ear and out the other. I also know that I will always have to say how I feel to her no matter what because that has always been how our relationship has been, based on openness. I'm hopeful things will be ok again.
I guess I should get to weigh-in, I was 191.4 lbs Wednesday night. That is 2 lbs up from my unofficial weigh-in last week and only 0.2 lbs up from my last TOPS weigh-in so I'm feeling ok about it all. I think this week will be a good week and hopefully I'll make it officially into the 180's next weigh-in.
I didn't make it to the gym Wednesday night after TOPS but I did go home and write my new 3 week workout from my BOM book into my workout book. I also looked through all my new exercises so I was pretty prepared when I went to the gym last night. If you can believe it I'll be trying chin-ups in the next few days, ekkkk. I have a feeling I probably won't be able to do any but I'm going to give it a try. I guess if I can't I'll try the assisted machine and see how that goes. There are a lot of new exercises this section and I'm hoping I can figure them all out ok. Last night I did end up asking someone to help me but I really hate doing that it always makes me full of anxiety. I wish I could get over my social phobias.
I haven't been writing my workouts on my workout log here for ages. It started because I had my workout book in the van and didn't know what I had done. Now it seems I'm just so far behind. I need to take a night and try to update it. It's nice having a record of everything.
I finally got to the grocery store last night. I was out of everything. It feels good to have my foods in the house again. I didn't get home last night till 11pm. I was totally exhausted. It was such a busy night for me. I had to pick up Kevin from practice then take Marie to swim lessons so I didn't get to the gym till about 8:30pm. I did do a hour of weight training and an hour of cardio and it felt good to be back to a more normal routine.
Kevin has his first wrestling tournament today and tomorrow. So the family and I will drive up today to see him after school. He seems so excited about it since this is his first time wrestling. From what our old renter (assistant coach) told me Kevin's their best new wrestler. It seems with sports he excels at whatever he tries.
Nicholas had therapy Wednesday and he came home in a good mood. He's just doing so much better with having a pleasant attitude, now if we can just get the girl in shape lol. I hope Nicholas is doing better this semester in school but I haven't heard much. His interim comes home next week so we will see, I'm hopeful.
Marie is loving her swimming lessons. It's a group of about 8 or so this time. She's doing really great with it and seems to learn a great deal in such a short time. I'm glad she's found something she really likes. I hate that she can't hang around after practice though but Tuesdays and Thursdays are my gym night. So I told her next week we'll have to go a little earlier so she will have time to play around in the pool.
Well I've blabbed enough. I started this post yesterday and thought I had posted it but I guess not. So you got 2 days of blab from me lol.
Till tomorrow...
I'm trying hard not to stress myself out this year but with no rental income things are getting tighter by the day. Mike's mom bestowed on us a check for Christmas though that will definitely help. It seems like I'm always watched over when needed. I'm thankful that seems to be how things go.
I was upset Wednesday night. I finally got to talk to my mom and she told me that my sister (Kevin's mom) and my nephew (Kevin's brother) had went and had Thanksgiving with my niece (Kevin's sister). It wasn't that they spent the holiday together that bothered me it was that I have been trying to contact my niece for about 2 months now.
I started to come here and pour it all out but then I rethought about it and decided to send a private email to a friend. Not that it would have been a bad thing to say it all here but I keep wondering if some of my family is reading this blog without me knowing. I don't know why I can't just let go of my feelings concerning my niece and let her decide to talk in her own time. I think it's because I don't know why she's upset with me. I don't know what I've done wrong.
I think she thinks I've turned Kevin against her and my sister and nephew. But it's his choice to talk to them or not and I have always been supportive of whatever he had decided to do. It seemed like after my niece and Kevin talked on the phone back in October while I wasn't home she now won't answer my calls or emails. Kevin said "don't put this on me aunt Dawn" and I know he's right. I know Kevin would never intentionally say something to my niece to hurt me. I am feeling a little better about it all today but I know until I actually get to talk to her I'm going to keep fretting over it. I know I only have control over myself so I keep reminding myself of that.
I also got a card from my sister (Kevin's mom) Wednesday. I give that to her, that regardless of if we've talked or not she always sends Birthday cards and Christmas cards. She had put a little sketch she had done of Kevin in it and a picture of her and her boyfriend. She also taped two dollar coins inside for Nicholas and Marie. I do plan on seeing her and my nephew around Christmas and Kevin has agreed to go with me. So I'm hoping maybe my niece will come too and we can clear the air some.
I talked to Mike about it all too and he helped me feel better. I know my niece is only 23 yrs old and she needs to figure things out for herself. I know me telling her things sometimes just goes in one ear and out the other. I also know that I will always have to say how I feel to her no matter what because that has always been how our relationship has been, based on openness. I'm hopeful things will be ok again.
I guess I should get to weigh-in, I was 191.4 lbs Wednesday night. That is 2 lbs up from my unofficial weigh-in last week and only 0.2 lbs up from my last TOPS weigh-in so I'm feeling ok about it all. I think this week will be a good week and hopefully I'll make it officially into the 180's next weigh-in.
I didn't make it to the gym Wednesday night after TOPS but I did go home and write my new 3 week workout from my BOM book into my workout book. I also looked through all my new exercises so I was pretty prepared when I went to the gym last night. If you can believe it I'll be trying chin-ups in the next few days, ekkkk. I have a feeling I probably won't be able to do any but I'm going to give it a try. I guess if I can't I'll try the assisted machine and see how that goes. There are a lot of new exercises this section and I'm hoping I can figure them all out ok. Last night I did end up asking someone to help me but I really hate doing that it always makes me full of anxiety. I wish I could get over my social phobias.
I haven't been writing my workouts on my workout log here for ages. It started because I had my workout book in the van and didn't know what I had done. Now it seems I'm just so far behind. I need to take a night and try to update it. It's nice having a record of everything.
I finally got to the grocery store last night. I was out of everything. It feels good to have my foods in the house again. I didn't get home last night till 11pm. I was totally exhausted. It was such a busy night for me. I had to pick up Kevin from practice then take Marie to swim lessons so I didn't get to the gym till about 8:30pm. I did do a hour of weight training and an hour of cardio and it felt good to be back to a more normal routine.
Kevin has his first wrestling tournament today and tomorrow. So the family and I will drive up today to see him after school. He seems so excited about it since this is his first time wrestling. From what our old renter (assistant coach) told me Kevin's their best new wrestler. It seems with sports he excels at whatever he tries.
Nicholas had therapy Wednesday and he came home in a good mood. He's just doing so much better with having a pleasant attitude, now if we can just get the girl in shape lol. I hope Nicholas is doing better this semester in school but I haven't heard much. His interim comes home next week so we will see, I'm hopeful.
Marie is loving her swimming lessons. It's a group of about 8 or so this time. She's doing really great with it and seems to learn a great deal in such a short time. I'm glad she's found something she really likes. I hate that she can't hang around after practice though but Tuesdays and Thursdays are my gym night. So I told her next week we'll have to go a little earlier so she will have time to play around in the pool.
Well I've blabbed enough. I started this post yesterday and thought I had posted it but I guess not. So you got 2 days of blab from me lol.
Till tomorrow...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
TOPS tonight
I can't say I'm looking forward to TOPS tonight. J won't be there so that means I will probably have to be weight recorder which I stink at. I also feel like I have so many things I need to remember to do tonight. Plus I have no meeting prepared. I think I will probably just print out some tips on surviving the holidays. I really do have plenty to say to the ladies but I just haven't gotten it put all together in my mind to make a program from it. I do need to do that though.
I had a good day yesterday. Work went by quickly and then I went home and made dinner and also fixed a big pot of soup for the week. Then I took Marie to her swim lessons and then went to the gym and got in a hour of cardio. I didn't get back home till almost 10pm though and then I just couldn't help myself but watch biggest loser so I didn't get to sleep till after midnight.
Watching BL really made me realize just how long it takes to really put all the pieces together of how a person gets so large and then lets themself stay that way for so long. Since I've never been thin in my whole life I think for me it was just a carry over from childhood and how I coped with stress when I was little and left alone so much. I think it was all about comforting myself and also dealing with all the internal anxiety.
I still find myself wanting to eat out of emotions sometimes but I've also gotten good at realizing what I'm doing and stopping myself before I go to far. I still have a lot of fears but I also realize that my weight is all in my hands. I know too that a poorly chosen meal, a day of meals or even a week of bad meals isn't going to make me gain my weight back. The only thing that will do that is letting myself fall into a funk over a few lbs gained. I finally have realized that the scale jumping up a few lbs isn't going to make me less of a success.
I've let that darn scale control me far to long. I finally get that it's just a number. That living my life healthy has nothing to do with that number. Sure I go weigh-in every Wednesday but now for me that's more about going there to support the other TOPS members. It's about trying to help them get motivated and realize that they can do anything they put their minds to. I'm thankful for TOPS, I'm thankful for all of you and I'm thankful to my family and the people that have been there to support me before and during this journey.
Life really does need to be about feeling grateful for all the blessings in our lives.
I'm feeling mushy today what can I say lol.
Till tomorrow...
I had a good day yesterday. Work went by quickly and then I went home and made dinner and also fixed a big pot of soup for the week. Then I took Marie to her swim lessons and then went to the gym and got in a hour of cardio. I didn't get back home till almost 10pm though and then I just couldn't help myself but watch biggest loser so I didn't get to sleep till after midnight.
Watching BL really made me realize just how long it takes to really put all the pieces together of how a person gets so large and then lets themself stay that way for so long. Since I've never been thin in my whole life I think for me it was just a carry over from childhood and how I coped with stress when I was little and left alone so much. I think it was all about comforting myself and also dealing with all the internal anxiety.
I still find myself wanting to eat out of emotions sometimes but I've also gotten good at realizing what I'm doing and stopping myself before I go to far. I still have a lot of fears but I also realize that my weight is all in my hands. I know too that a poorly chosen meal, a day of meals or even a week of bad meals isn't going to make me gain my weight back. The only thing that will do that is letting myself fall into a funk over a few lbs gained. I finally have realized that the scale jumping up a few lbs isn't going to make me less of a success.
I've let that darn scale control me far to long. I finally get that it's just a number. That living my life healthy has nothing to do with that number. Sure I go weigh-in every Wednesday but now for me that's more about going there to support the other TOPS members. It's about trying to help them get motivated and realize that they can do anything they put their minds to. I'm thankful for TOPS, I'm thankful for all of you and I'm thankful to my family and the people that have been there to support me before and during this journey.
Life really does need to be about feeling grateful for all the blessings in our lives.
I'm feeling mushy today what can I say lol.
Till tomorrow...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Trying to catch up
I know it's going to take me awhile to catch up with everyone's blog from the week I've been gone. It seemed my vacation flew by and it's hard to believe I'm back home already.
I had a good time in Kentucky even with the house so full we could barely turn around it seemed lol. With Mike's brother and his family there and our family of 5 and Mike's mom and step father we totalled in at 11 in a 2 bedroom farm house so you can imagine. But we brought our air mattresses and just blew them up nightly and everything worked out ok. His brother left on Friday night too so then we had a few days of just us.
I was really surprised when I saw his brother. He's dropped 64 lbs since the last time I saw him last Thanksgiving. It was so weird too that we actually had something to talk about. It seems like he's caught the exercise bug and he really "gets it" with the eating well and working out. He found himself a great trainer at the gym that has really shown him the way to fitness and healthy eating. He just seemed so much happier too.
While I was there I walked 4 miles each morning before breakfast. The first day Kevin and Mike's brother walked with me, 2nd day Mike, his brother, his niece and Kevin walked, 3rd day Kevin and I walked and had a good long talk and on the last day I walked by myself. It is just really beautiful there with the rolling hills, all the horses and cows and the stream that runs down along side the road. We have a little ritual that we started last year too where we walk to this bridge then throw a big huge leaf over the edge and watch it fall and drift along in the water.
So I walked a total of 16 miles while I was there. I also counted my calories everyday as best as I could and I came home and got on the scale to a 7 lb gain lol. I was shocked but I guzzled the water last night and woke up 3 lbs down. So I'm hoping eating well today, drinking lots of water and going to the gym tonight I can at least get back to my last TOPS weigh-in weight of 191.2. It's sad to think I'm not going to see the 180's tomorrow. I'm not beating myself up though because I felt like I did pretty well during my time gone. I stayed away from the ice cream totally and with three 1/2 gallons in the freezer that was a miracle. I had 2 small pieces of pumpkin pie (without most of the crust), 3 cookies and that was the extent of my sweets eating. Mike's mom made me a great fruit salad which I ate on all week and also a sugar free jello dessert so I felt like overall I did well with the food.
But I guess the lack of water and the added sodium did me in. Plus I really had no clue how much butter and sugar was cooked into the food I ate. I thought I did well with calculating calories but maybe I was way off. Anyway, it is what it is and I'm ok with whatever the scale says tomorrow. I really wanted to be to 185 by the new year but not sure that will happen now.
Oh, if you can believe it Mike's mom had plumbing issues lol. They had just got a new septic put in but the pipes had come apart or something so there was poor Kevin, Mike and his stepfather taking off their new toilet. Kevin said "I can't even get away from it on vacation" lol we had to laughed. So we spent 24 hours peeing in a bucket, it felt like old times to us lol.
Well I have lots of work to do so I better get to it. I ended up staying up way to late last night after we got home so I didn't get my butt to work till 9:30 this morning. Thankfully the boss is on travel so it wasn't to terrible sneaking in *smile*.
Hope to catch up with everyone over the next few days.
Till tomorrow...
I had a good time in Kentucky even with the house so full we could barely turn around it seemed lol. With Mike's brother and his family there and our family of 5 and Mike's mom and step father we totalled in at 11 in a 2 bedroom farm house so you can imagine. But we brought our air mattresses and just blew them up nightly and everything worked out ok. His brother left on Friday night too so then we had a few days of just us.
I was really surprised when I saw his brother. He's dropped 64 lbs since the last time I saw him last Thanksgiving. It was so weird too that we actually had something to talk about. It seems like he's caught the exercise bug and he really "gets it" with the eating well and working out. He found himself a great trainer at the gym that has really shown him the way to fitness and healthy eating. He just seemed so much happier too.
While I was there I walked 4 miles each morning before breakfast. The first day Kevin and Mike's brother walked with me, 2nd day Mike, his brother, his niece and Kevin walked, 3rd day Kevin and I walked and had a good long talk and on the last day I walked by myself. It is just really beautiful there with the rolling hills, all the horses and cows and the stream that runs down along side the road. We have a little ritual that we started last year too where we walk to this bridge then throw a big huge leaf over the edge and watch it fall and drift along in the water.
So I walked a total of 16 miles while I was there. I also counted my calories everyday as best as I could and I came home and got on the scale to a 7 lb gain lol. I was shocked but I guzzled the water last night and woke up 3 lbs down. So I'm hoping eating well today, drinking lots of water and going to the gym tonight I can at least get back to my last TOPS weigh-in weight of 191.2. It's sad to think I'm not going to see the 180's tomorrow. I'm not beating myself up though because I felt like I did pretty well during my time gone. I stayed away from the ice cream totally and with three 1/2 gallons in the freezer that was a miracle. I had 2 small pieces of pumpkin pie (without most of the crust), 3 cookies and that was the extent of my sweets eating. Mike's mom made me a great fruit salad which I ate on all week and also a sugar free jello dessert so I felt like overall I did well with the food.
But I guess the lack of water and the added sodium did me in. Plus I really had no clue how much butter and sugar was cooked into the food I ate. I thought I did well with calculating calories but maybe I was way off. Anyway, it is what it is and I'm ok with whatever the scale says tomorrow. I really wanted to be to 185 by the new year but not sure that will happen now.
Oh, if you can believe it Mike's mom had plumbing issues lol. They had just got a new septic put in but the pipes had come apart or something so there was poor Kevin, Mike and his stepfather taking off their new toilet. Kevin said "I can't even get away from it on vacation" lol we had to laughed. So we spent 24 hours peeing in a bucket, it felt like old times to us lol.
Well I have lots of work to do so I better get to it. I ended up staying up way to late last night after we got home so I didn't get my butt to work till 9:30 this morning. Thankfully the boss is on travel so it wasn't to terrible sneaking in *smile*.
Hope to catch up with everyone over the next few days.
Till tomorrow...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Last post before vacation
I meant to post yesterday but there was more nephew drama. It was pretty much the final straw for me. I can't have Mike yelling at me over what Kevin is doing and I can't have Kevin just thinking it's ok to continue doing things.
Yesterday he decided to take one of our cell phones. We use tracfones so we pay per minute. When he got grounded he wouldn't give up his cell phone, said he couldn't find it. So we just didn't say anymore but yesterday when he took one of ours it just really upset us both. Kevin has never stolen anything from us and I think in his mind he just thought he would take it to school, use a few minutes on it and put it back without us knowing any different.
Anyway, since it was my job now to pick him up from wrestling practice I took the opportunity to say what I wanted to say and hope he heard me. When he got in the car I asked for the cell phone and he gave it to me right away. So I was grateful for that. He's never been one to lie to me, more a child that tries to go around me sometimes. Throughout my talk he didn't say anything. I pretty much broke down in tears and told him that if he loved me he would serve the remainder of his punishment with no more upset. I told him his actions were affecting Mike and especially me to the max. That it was hurting our family big time and it wasn't fair to us. I told him everything that had happened in the past week and a half had been his fault 100% and that now he needed to just take his consequences for those actions. I said a lot of other things too but I think the big thing was asking him for my sake to fly right.
After we got back home I was still shaking and upset. Mike was like a puppy dog with his tail between his legs. I decided I just had to go to the gym and work out. So I fixed myself a pumpkin protein shake and Mike asked if he could go with me. I said ok. We talked in the car on the way there and I told him that he just couldn't act that way anymore. That I know this is all on Kevin but his actions are his own and I know he doesn't want to hit Kevin or do something crazy but that it's not right or fair to me to have to deal with his rage about Kevin. He said he was sorry.
I also told him that we have done everything we can for Kevin. That really from this point all we can do is parent him for the next 6 months the way we have been till he's 18 and then he will have to start making his own life choices, whatever they are. I think we have done a good job. I know I have loved Kevin with all my heart and I think he will always know I'll be here for him. He also knows how I parent and that I in good conscious can do no less than discipline him when he's done wrong. I think he does give me credit for that and respects me more for doing so. I hope when he leaves my house (whenever that is) we will have love in our hearts.
It felt good to go to the gym. It felt good to talk through things with Mike too. I put in a hard 2 hours and when we got back home Kevin was acting nice. Mike gave him a big hug. He knows we love him I know that is one thing for sure.
I'm hoping once we get to Kentucky I can have some quality time with Nicholas and Marie too. I feel like with all this upset they get lost in the crossfire. They get to see all of it and of course it affects them too. I'm hoping the weather will be nice and we can play some ball or something in the yard. Maybe they will want to go for a walk or two with me too.
The scale was kind to me this morning. I was at 189.4 lbs. That isn't an official number so I won't be changing my ticker. But it was nice to see that number because it means I have lost half of myself. To think it was even possible boggles my mind. This whole journey has been pretty surreal to me.
Tonight after I get home I'm going to put on a nice dress and I'm going to J's house to have her take my picture. She wants me to enter TOPS International Greatest Improvement Contest. I had to write up my story too which was kind of tough. Sometimes I still wonder how I got where I am. But I did write it and it felt kind of nice putting it all down on paper. I doubt I will win but it's kind of cool to enter anyway.
Well I think it's time for another cup of tea. It's been a lazy day for me at work. I finished up my fin drawing yesterday which felt great. I'm hoping my time off will refresh me.
Till next week...
Yesterday he decided to take one of our cell phones. We use tracfones so we pay per minute. When he got grounded he wouldn't give up his cell phone, said he couldn't find it. So we just didn't say anymore but yesterday when he took one of ours it just really upset us both. Kevin has never stolen anything from us and I think in his mind he just thought he would take it to school, use a few minutes on it and put it back without us knowing any different.
Anyway, since it was my job now to pick him up from wrestling practice I took the opportunity to say what I wanted to say and hope he heard me. When he got in the car I asked for the cell phone and he gave it to me right away. So I was grateful for that. He's never been one to lie to me, more a child that tries to go around me sometimes. Throughout my talk he didn't say anything. I pretty much broke down in tears and told him that if he loved me he would serve the remainder of his punishment with no more upset. I told him his actions were affecting Mike and especially me to the max. That it was hurting our family big time and it wasn't fair to us. I told him everything that had happened in the past week and a half had been his fault 100% and that now he needed to just take his consequences for those actions. I said a lot of other things too but I think the big thing was asking him for my sake to fly right.
After we got back home I was still shaking and upset. Mike was like a puppy dog with his tail between his legs. I decided I just had to go to the gym and work out. So I fixed myself a pumpkin protein shake and Mike asked if he could go with me. I said ok. We talked in the car on the way there and I told him that he just couldn't act that way anymore. That I know this is all on Kevin but his actions are his own and I know he doesn't want to hit Kevin or do something crazy but that it's not right or fair to me to have to deal with his rage about Kevin. He said he was sorry.
I also told him that we have done everything we can for Kevin. That really from this point all we can do is parent him for the next 6 months the way we have been till he's 18 and then he will have to start making his own life choices, whatever they are. I think we have done a good job. I know I have loved Kevin with all my heart and I think he will always know I'll be here for him. He also knows how I parent and that I in good conscious can do no less than discipline him when he's done wrong. I think he does give me credit for that and respects me more for doing so. I hope when he leaves my house (whenever that is) we will have love in our hearts.
It felt good to go to the gym. It felt good to talk through things with Mike too. I put in a hard 2 hours and when we got back home Kevin was acting nice. Mike gave him a big hug. He knows we love him I know that is one thing for sure.
I'm hoping once we get to Kentucky I can have some quality time with Nicholas and Marie too. I feel like with all this upset they get lost in the crossfire. They get to see all of it and of course it affects them too. I'm hoping the weather will be nice and we can play some ball or something in the yard. Maybe they will want to go for a walk or two with me too.
The scale was kind to me this morning. I was at 189.4 lbs. That isn't an official number so I won't be changing my ticker. But it was nice to see that number because it means I have lost half of myself. To think it was even possible boggles my mind. This whole journey has been pretty surreal to me.
Tonight after I get home I'm going to put on a nice dress and I'm going to J's house to have her take my picture. She wants me to enter TOPS International Greatest Improvement Contest. I had to write up my story too which was kind of tough. Sometimes I still wonder how I got where I am. But I did write it and it felt kind of nice putting it all down on paper. I doubt I will win but it's kind of cool to enter anyway.
Well I think it's time for another cup of tea. It's been a lazy day for me at work. I finished up my fin drawing yesterday which felt great. I'm hoping my time off will refresh me.
Till next week...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A walk
I got up this morning and decided to take a walk down my favorite road. It felt so good since I haven't been able to walk it for so long. It felt so much better than going to the gym for my cardio. I might still go to the gym later but I still have a lot of things to do around the house so I might just wait till tomorrow to do my weight training.
It's sad to me that the things Kevin does bad over shadows all the good things he does. He is an honor roll student. He is always very helpful and does whatever I ask around the house without complaint. I think he's just going through typical teenage stuff right now. I think most kids would just lie to their parents to get their way and do what they want. I feel like that's why Kevin ends up getting in more trouble because he doesn't want to lie to me. But then he knows he will have to pay the consequences. He told me not to long ago he would rather ask for forgiveness than ask for permission.
When we took Kevin 6 1/2 yrs ago he was 11 and he had a lot of anger issues. My sister had married a man that abused her and her kids. She stayed with that man 6 yrs until he got her and her 3 kids kicked out of her house. After that my other nephew (Kevin's younger brother) was put into a facility for troubled youth. My niece went to live with her father's sister since she was already 16. They were going to put Kevin in a facility also so I took him. It was a big decision for Mike and I since Nicholas was only 6 and Marie not yet 2.
I think Kevin has come a long way. I think he's worked through some of his issues but he still has a huge issue dealing with girls. Almost every problem we've ever had with him has had a girl involved. He is going to therapy now so I'm hoping maybe he can work through some things. I tried getting him to go to therapy all along but he's never been willing to talk. I know he has a lot of things from his past.
I'm not trying to justify his bad behavior but I also have to remember all the good he does do and that he is a good kid. I know what kind of teen I was and I'm super grateful he isn't like I was. I just want to get him through his senior year with his grades intact and all our sanity.
I do hope he will go on to college he's very smart. The plan was for him to go to the local community college and get his associates degree since he already has 19 credits and then go on for his bachelors at Maryland University. He wants to be an engineer which makes me feel good.
At this point I'm not sure what his plans are. Maybe he will end up joining the service as soon as he finishes high school or he will just move out. We've told him that he is welcome to stay here as long as he wants. We've told him though that he will still have to follow rules.
Sometimes I worry if he ever found this would he be upset. I'm guessing yes. I'm sure he doesn't want to cause us pain or trouble. I think this is about his own internal issues and just trying to deal with himself. I know I go through this myself and I think it does go back to a childhood with no control over the abusive dysfunctional people around you.
I think what it does is make you want TOTAL control when you grow up. Of course we can't control other people so it just gets internalized and then that turns into worry, anxiety, depression, anger, etc. I've really tried hard to just turn things over to God that I have no control over and move on. I'm not a church going person but I do believe God has watched over me all my life. I know he watches over Kevin too. I have faith everything will turn out ok.
I feel bad that I haven't done my review for my POM Wonderful juice that I received about a month ago. It was really cool that the day after I made it to below 200 I got an email from POM Wonderful saying they were sending me a surprise. I always think of stuff like that like a little gift from God, I know maybe corny but what can I say. So I received a bottle of POM pomergranite/nectarine and a bottle of pomergranite/kiwi juice. It sat in my fridge for weeks since I usually don't drink my calories. I finally used it by making a few fancy drinks. They were both good but I must admit I liked the pomergranite/nectarine juice the best. I would definitely buy it again for drinks, goes good with vodka lol.
I know this is suppose to be a weight loss blog. So with that said the scale showed me up a lb this morning. I'm guessing it's from the few drinks I had last night and the night before and the stress. My calories have been fine to actually on the low side for me. I'm hoping with a few days of exercise in a row I will see a lower number on the scale by Tuesday. Since I won't be weighing in I plan on weighing Tuesday morning but of course that won't be an official weigh-in, that won't happen till next week when I get back to TOPS.
I'm just hoping to get through Thanksgiving without a gain. I plan on doing plenty of walking/jogging while there so hopefully that will counteract the extra food.
Mike and the boys are off to get haircuts so it's very quiet in here, feels nice.
Guess I better get some more laundry done.
Till tomorrow...
It's sad to me that the things Kevin does bad over shadows all the good things he does. He is an honor roll student. He is always very helpful and does whatever I ask around the house without complaint. I think he's just going through typical teenage stuff right now. I think most kids would just lie to their parents to get their way and do what they want. I feel like that's why Kevin ends up getting in more trouble because he doesn't want to lie to me. But then he knows he will have to pay the consequences. He told me not to long ago he would rather ask for forgiveness than ask for permission.
When we took Kevin 6 1/2 yrs ago he was 11 and he had a lot of anger issues. My sister had married a man that abused her and her kids. She stayed with that man 6 yrs until he got her and her 3 kids kicked out of her house. After that my other nephew (Kevin's younger brother) was put into a facility for troubled youth. My niece went to live with her father's sister since she was already 16. They were going to put Kevin in a facility also so I took him. It was a big decision for Mike and I since Nicholas was only 6 and Marie not yet 2.
I think Kevin has come a long way. I think he's worked through some of his issues but he still has a huge issue dealing with girls. Almost every problem we've ever had with him has had a girl involved. He is going to therapy now so I'm hoping maybe he can work through some things. I tried getting him to go to therapy all along but he's never been willing to talk. I know he has a lot of things from his past.
I'm not trying to justify his bad behavior but I also have to remember all the good he does do and that he is a good kid. I know what kind of teen I was and I'm super grateful he isn't like I was. I just want to get him through his senior year with his grades intact and all our sanity.
I do hope he will go on to college he's very smart. The plan was for him to go to the local community college and get his associates degree since he already has 19 credits and then go on for his bachelors at Maryland University. He wants to be an engineer which makes me feel good.
At this point I'm not sure what his plans are. Maybe he will end up joining the service as soon as he finishes high school or he will just move out. We've told him that he is welcome to stay here as long as he wants. We've told him though that he will still have to follow rules.
Sometimes I worry if he ever found this would he be upset. I'm guessing yes. I'm sure he doesn't want to cause us pain or trouble. I think this is about his own internal issues and just trying to deal with himself. I know I go through this myself and I think it does go back to a childhood with no control over the abusive dysfunctional people around you.
I think what it does is make you want TOTAL control when you grow up. Of course we can't control other people so it just gets internalized and then that turns into worry, anxiety, depression, anger, etc. I've really tried hard to just turn things over to God that I have no control over and move on. I'm not a church going person but I do believe God has watched over me all my life. I know he watches over Kevin too. I have faith everything will turn out ok.
I feel bad that I haven't done my review for my POM Wonderful juice that I received about a month ago. It was really cool that the day after I made it to below 200 I got an email from POM Wonderful saying they were sending me a surprise. I always think of stuff like that like a little gift from God, I know maybe corny but what can I say. So I received a bottle of POM pomergranite/nectarine and a bottle of pomergranite/kiwi juice. It sat in my fridge for weeks since I usually don't drink my calories. I finally used it by making a few fancy drinks. They were both good but I must admit I liked the pomergranite/nectarine juice the best. I would definitely buy it again for drinks, goes good with vodka lol.
I know this is suppose to be a weight loss blog. So with that said the scale showed me up a lb this morning. I'm guessing it's from the few drinks I had last night and the night before and the stress. My calories have been fine to actually on the low side for me. I'm hoping with a few days of exercise in a row I will see a lower number on the scale by Tuesday. Since I won't be weighing in I plan on weighing Tuesday morning but of course that won't be an official weigh-in, that won't happen till next week when I get back to TOPS.
I'm just hoping to get through Thanksgiving without a gain. I plan on doing plenty of walking/jogging while there so hopefully that will counteract the extra food.
Mike and the boys are off to get haircuts so it's very quiet in here, feels nice.
Guess I better get some more laundry done.
Till tomorrow...
Not sure how I feel today
Thursday after work I went to Wal-mart and got myself some new headphones. It just seems I can't keep a pair very long. The last ones Mike had bought me and were quite pricey. But I did really like them. But some how I yanked them one to many times and the cord had come out at the end, I had taped it but eventually it just didn't work. So my new ones are ok but I miss the old ones. I'm sure I'll get use to the new ones eventually. After going to Wal-mart I headed to the gym and put in my hour of weight training and hour of cardio. It felt really good.
Last night though things kind of fell apart again. I guess Kevin is just going through stuff he's not willing to talk about. I think it's about the girlfriend mostly but really I don't know. Anyway, he decided to sneak off with the girlfriend after wrestling practice and leave Mike waiting in the school parking lot for him. Mike had gotten there early and had been waiting over an hour. Kevin made him wait 2 hours and then still he never showed. I finally told Mike to come on home.
That is when my neurotic self checked in and I started playing detective. I first called the girl that he had went to her house for the party last week. I left a not very nice msg on her cell phone. Then I phoned the assistant wrestling coach who is my old renter. He was very kind and we talked for awhile. He even offered to bring Kevin home 4 days a week but it would be like 20 mins out of his way and I just don't think he should be stuck with that responsibility.
So anyway after talking to him I called the girlfriend's cell phone and she answered and she said Kevin was with her. So I laid it all out to her that Kevin is punished for the next month and that now he has an extra week for making Mike wait like that and just having no respect for us. I told her I would appreciate if she abided by our rules and didn't phone the house since he's not allowed on the phone during that time either. I also told her that I didn't hate her that this was about Kevin and his lack of respect for us and that if it wasn't her I believed we would have issues anyway. I think the conversation went well overall and I had her bring him home for me.
After hanging up with her I called the other girl's cell phone back and this time she answered. I told her if she ever picked up Kevin again or even had him in her vehicle I would be calling her parents and cluing them into her little party she had last week. I was not nice but kept calm. I think I made myself very clear and I think at this point she doesn't want to mess with me.
When Mike arrived home he was livid. I mean melt down livid to where I worried he would hit Kevin. In all these years he has never hit Kevin. So I was beside myself with upset over the whole situation. But thankfully by the time Kevin got home he did well staying calm. We sat Kevin down and talked to him. He wouldn't talk to us though he wouldn't tell us what is going on with him lately. But we said all we needed to say. I don't know how the next 5 weeks are going to go but during that time I will start picking Kevin up from wrestling 6 days a week. I'm not going to put it on Mike anymore since for some reason Kevin doesn't seem to have the level of respect for Mike that he has for me. I would like to think he won't do what he did to Mike to me. I did tell him that if he does anything else he will no longer be going to wrestling.
After the kids went to bed I ended up getting upset at Mike and then he ended up getting upset at me. We didn't get to sleep till like 3-4 this morning. I do know that Kevin is causing issues for us. I hope we were clear enough with him that it's not fair to Mike or I or to Nicholas and Marie. I just can't live a life of turmoil. I had enough of that in my childhood I definitely won't put up with it now.
This morning I got up and took Kevin to wrestling practice, the old renter brought him home after practice for me. I ended up going back to sleep till about 11am. Then I got up and all of us got to work on the house. We got a lot accomplished today and I feel really good about it all. I feel like whenever we do any remodeling the house becomes a mess. So it felt good to get it all straight again. Tomorrow all I have left to do is clean my bedroom and Mike is going to shampoo the carpets.
I definitely plan on making it to the gym tomorrow too. I wanted to go today but with all the house work I just never made it there.
The scale is showing me up even though I've been eating in the 1600 calorie range the past few days. I'm sure it's from not enough fluids and the stress going on.
My mood is still pretty blah. I hope it doesn't last too much longer.
Till tomorrow...
Last night though things kind of fell apart again. I guess Kevin is just going through stuff he's not willing to talk about. I think it's about the girlfriend mostly but really I don't know. Anyway, he decided to sneak off with the girlfriend after wrestling practice and leave Mike waiting in the school parking lot for him. Mike had gotten there early and had been waiting over an hour. Kevin made him wait 2 hours and then still he never showed. I finally told Mike to come on home.
That is when my neurotic self checked in and I started playing detective. I first called the girl that he had went to her house for the party last week. I left a not very nice msg on her cell phone. Then I phoned the assistant wrestling coach who is my old renter. He was very kind and we talked for awhile. He even offered to bring Kevin home 4 days a week but it would be like 20 mins out of his way and I just don't think he should be stuck with that responsibility.
So anyway after talking to him I called the girlfriend's cell phone and she answered and she said Kevin was with her. So I laid it all out to her that Kevin is punished for the next month and that now he has an extra week for making Mike wait like that and just having no respect for us. I told her I would appreciate if she abided by our rules and didn't phone the house since he's not allowed on the phone during that time either. I also told her that I didn't hate her that this was about Kevin and his lack of respect for us and that if it wasn't her I believed we would have issues anyway. I think the conversation went well overall and I had her bring him home for me.
After hanging up with her I called the other girl's cell phone back and this time she answered. I told her if she ever picked up Kevin again or even had him in her vehicle I would be calling her parents and cluing them into her little party she had last week. I was not nice but kept calm. I think I made myself very clear and I think at this point she doesn't want to mess with me.
When Mike arrived home he was livid. I mean melt down livid to where I worried he would hit Kevin. In all these years he has never hit Kevin. So I was beside myself with upset over the whole situation. But thankfully by the time Kevin got home he did well staying calm. We sat Kevin down and talked to him. He wouldn't talk to us though he wouldn't tell us what is going on with him lately. But we said all we needed to say. I don't know how the next 5 weeks are going to go but during that time I will start picking Kevin up from wrestling 6 days a week. I'm not going to put it on Mike anymore since for some reason Kevin doesn't seem to have the level of respect for Mike that he has for me. I would like to think he won't do what he did to Mike to me. I did tell him that if he does anything else he will no longer be going to wrestling.
After the kids went to bed I ended up getting upset at Mike and then he ended up getting upset at me. We didn't get to sleep till like 3-4 this morning. I do know that Kevin is causing issues for us. I hope we were clear enough with him that it's not fair to Mike or I or to Nicholas and Marie. I just can't live a life of turmoil. I had enough of that in my childhood I definitely won't put up with it now.
This morning I got up and took Kevin to wrestling practice, the old renter brought him home after practice for me. I ended up going back to sleep till about 11am. Then I got up and all of us got to work on the house. We got a lot accomplished today and I feel really good about it all. I feel like whenever we do any remodeling the house becomes a mess. So it felt good to get it all straight again. Tomorrow all I have left to do is clean my bedroom and Mike is going to shampoo the carpets.
I definitely plan on making it to the gym tomorrow too. I wanted to go today but with all the house work I just never made it there.
The scale is showing me up even though I've been eating in the 1600 calorie range the past few days. I'm sure it's from not enough fluids and the stress going on.
My mood is still pretty blah. I hope it doesn't last too much longer.
Till tomorrow...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Some deep thinking
I've been on this journey for 28+ months now. I've been in therapy for over 3 yrs. I've made LOTS of progress physically and mentally. I know I will continue making progress.
Yesterday in therapy I realized something. I realized that I'm not self medicating myself like I use to and also that I'm not transferring my addictions. After starting this journey I had to figure out a way to deal with my emotions without eating pints and pints of haagen dazs. It was tough at first. I'd say probably 6 months in I realized the connection between how exercise helped with my internal anxiety and stress. But it still didn't fix my emotional battles within all the time. I've turned to the computer a lot for comfort over the years too.
I realized in the past few months I've not been turning to the computer like I use to. I just don't feel the desire anymore. Not that I plan on giving it up but just that I don't have to be on it like I use to be. I really noticed this when my laptop was gone those few weeks. I also noticed how much more stuff I was getting done around the house.
I'm finally realizing I can feel the emotions, anxiety, stress, etc of the things going on in my life and get through it without stuffing my face or burying myself in the computer for hours. I think this has been part of me feeling blah lately. It's just me living my life, dealing with my problems and getting through it all without self medicating. I think another reason this week has been more blah than usual is because I wasn't able to get to the gym or out to exercise like I normally do when I'm feeling this way.
It also made me realize that maybe it's time to try to reconnect with my family and see how it goes. I'm sure I'll have some anxiety and stress from it but I really do miss my family. I've distanced myself from them all this time because I just couldn't deal with how they made me feel.
I think reconnecting with my oldest sister is going to be tough. She had gastric bypass surgery 4 yrs ago. I had told her before she did it that it wouldn't fix everything for her. She said it was about her health. But in the past 2 yrs she's started gaining weight back. I haven't seen her since last Christmas and I know seeing me was a bit of a shock for her even then. I think we just have so many things to talk about. I would really like to just be open with her and talk about everything. I think she's always felt I thought I was better than her but it's never been like that for me. It's been about her lashing out when she can't control everything or when I don't agree. I know exactly how that feels too because I use to find myself acting just like her.
I know it comes from our childhood and having 2 alcoholic parents and feeling like we had control over nothing. Being left to raise ourselves and her being the oldest and feeling like she got the brunt of everything. So she wanted to control everything and when she couldn't she had angry rages and she ate to comfort herself. When I was young I just always thought she was mean. But as I got older I realized she had a good heart she was just angry.
Growing up I was favored by my mother. The sister born before me died at 6 weeks old and when I came along 3 yrs later with crippled legs my mother tended to me more. I know my oldest sister felt like my mother loved me more and hated her. When my sister was 14 my mother sent her away to a school for troubled girls. I don't know all that happened to my sister there but a few years later she came back angrier than when she left.
To think back to my childhood makes me sad. Both my sisters suffered more than I did growing up. I was there through it all like my father's crazy rages when he would come home from the bar in the middle of the night and try to kill my mother. After my mom kicked my dad out then she starting going to the bar all the time. I was small and don't remember a lot of it. But my sisters are 4 and 6 yrs older than me so I know they remember more. I think too my mind has blocked out a lot of the memories. Which I've come to realize is probably for the best.
The bottom line is I have great compassion for my sisters, both of them. I don't hate them, I love them, I miss them. I wish I could have a good relationship with each of them. But things have happened that can't be changed and I've had to put my walls up and protect myself. I know they both have done the same but in different ways.
When I took my nephew 6+ yrs ago it changed things. I had to put him above his mother, my sister. I really did my best to let her try to have a relationship with him but she never was able to. I know she loves him though.
Anyway, I have been doing some deep thinking and realize that I don't have to cover myself in fat to protect myself or to deal with my emotions. I've always known that but I guess deep down inside I didn't think I was worth the effort. I didn't think I had it in me to change myself, to rescue myself. But I am strong and I can do anything I put my mind to. I deserve a good life, a healthy life and so does my family.
Am I the best person, wife or mother, no way. But I hope I show the kids how much I love them even when I'm yelling "pick your clothes up out of the bathroom" or "clean your room" or "stop mouthing me" lol. I see the dysfunction in my extended family and the house I live in but I also see the love and care. I need to reach out again and try with my sisters. I know in the end I'll be glad I did.
It is the holiday season after all *smile*.
I forgot to mention that I lose 0.2 lbs for the week. Not what I was hoping for but I'll take it.
Till tomorrow...
Yesterday in therapy I realized something. I realized that I'm not self medicating myself like I use to and also that I'm not transferring my addictions. After starting this journey I had to figure out a way to deal with my emotions without eating pints and pints of haagen dazs. It was tough at first. I'd say probably 6 months in I realized the connection between how exercise helped with my internal anxiety and stress. But it still didn't fix my emotional battles within all the time. I've turned to the computer a lot for comfort over the years too.
I realized in the past few months I've not been turning to the computer like I use to. I just don't feel the desire anymore. Not that I plan on giving it up but just that I don't have to be on it like I use to be. I really noticed this when my laptop was gone those few weeks. I also noticed how much more stuff I was getting done around the house.
I'm finally realizing I can feel the emotions, anxiety, stress, etc of the things going on in my life and get through it without stuffing my face or burying myself in the computer for hours. I think this has been part of me feeling blah lately. It's just me living my life, dealing with my problems and getting through it all without self medicating. I think another reason this week has been more blah than usual is because I wasn't able to get to the gym or out to exercise like I normally do when I'm feeling this way.
It also made me realize that maybe it's time to try to reconnect with my family and see how it goes. I'm sure I'll have some anxiety and stress from it but I really do miss my family. I've distanced myself from them all this time because I just couldn't deal with how they made me feel.
I think reconnecting with my oldest sister is going to be tough. She had gastric bypass surgery 4 yrs ago. I had told her before she did it that it wouldn't fix everything for her. She said it was about her health. But in the past 2 yrs she's started gaining weight back. I haven't seen her since last Christmas and I know seeing me was a bit of a shock for her even then. I think we just have so many things to talk about. I would really like to just be open with her and talk about everything. I think she's always felt I thought I was better than her but it's never been like that for me. It's been about her lashing out when she can't control everything or when I don't agree. I know exactly how that feels too because I use to find myself acting just like her.
I know it comes from our childhood and having 2 alcoholic parents and feeling like we had control over nothing. Being left to raise ourselves and her being the oldest and feeling like she got the brunt of everything. So she wanted to control everything and when she couldn't she had angry rages and she ate to comfort herself. When I was young I just always thought she was mean. But as I got older I realized she had a good heart she was just angry.
Growing up I was favored by my mother. The sister born before me died at 6 weeks old and when I came along 3 yrs later with crippled legs my mother tended to me more. I know my oldest sister felt like my mother loved me more and hated her. When my sister was 14 my mother sent her away to a school for troubled girls. I don't know all that happened to my sister there but a few years later she came back angrier than when she left.
To think back to my childhood makes me sad. Both my sisters suffered more than I did growing up. I was there through it all like my father's crazy rages when he would come home from the bar in the middle of the night and try to kill my mother. After my mom kicked my dad out then she starting going to the bar all the time. I was small and don't remember a lot of it. But my sisters are 4 and 6 yrs older than me so I know they remember more. I think too my mind has blocked out a lot of the memories. Which I've come to realize is probably for the best.
The bottom line is I have great compassion for my sisters, both of them. I don't hate them, I love them, I miss them. I wish I could have a good relationship with each of them. But things have happened that can't be changed and I've had to put my walls up and protect myself. I know they both have done the same but in different ways.
When I took my nephew 6+ yrs ago it changed things. I had to put him above his mother, my sister. I really did my best to let her try to have a relationship with him but she never was able to. I know she loves him though.
Anyway, I have been doing some deep thinking and realize that I don't have to cover myself in fat to protect myself or to deal with my emotions. I've always known that but I guess deep down inside I didn't think I was worth the effort. I didn't think I had it in me to change myself, to rescue myself. But I am strong and I can do anything I put my mind to. I deserve a good life, a healthy life and so does my family.
Am I the best person, wife or mother, no way. But I hope I show the kids how much I love them even when I'm yelling "pick your clothes up out of the bathroom" or "clean your room" or "stop mouthing me" lol. I see the dysfunction in my extended family and the house I live in but I also see the love and care. I need to reach out again and try with my sisters. I know in the end I'll be glad I did.
It is the holiday season after all *smile*.
I forgot to mention that I lose 0.2 lbs for the week. Not what I was hoping for but I'll take it.
Till tomorrow...
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