Checking In

Got a comment from Vickie asking how I was so thought I should come post.  I wanted to wait till the results of the online contest were in which happened last night.  I've missed being here blogging but I think I really did need the gym contest and the online one to get me back on track. Even more than that I needed to really work on some self image issues and I think both contests have really helped plus lots of audio books I've been listening too.

So the finale for the gym contest was Saturday.  Yes, I won :) and yes it felt really terrific.  But not because I won but more because of the friends I made during the contest.  We were all so very happy for each other (most of our little group got prizes).  I felt bad for the one girl that was just a few lbs behind me but I did work hard and though I had mixed emotions about wanting to win I was "in it to win it".  Plus $350 isn't anything to sneeze at so that was a nice little boost for me too.  It means I can go buy some smaller clothes to get to the next stage for myself.

Then the online contest, yep I won that too, came in 3rd which meant I got one of the top $500 prizes and I get a hour long coaching chat with Tom Venuto (author of Burn The Fat, Feed The Muscle).  I don't know when that will happen but I have to think up some questions for him about getting to the next stage for myself and maybe he has some good advice for the mind/self image stuff too.  It will just be cool to get to talk to him after so many years of following his program.  

I am back in the 170's (was 176.5 on Saturday for the weigh in) and working to head into the 160's within the next few months. I'm realizing so many things about myself but the big thing is I know I can go further down the scale. I've come to realize in the past few months that the reason I was drifting up the scale instead of down is because I wasn't willing to give up "using food" that my secret relationship with food meant more to me than being the best me I can be.  I also know that I deep down still didn't feel "good enough" and I still placed far to much of my identity on my weight and weight loss.  

I really want to help others from my own experiences.  I want to make people realize that they are capable of anything they put their minds too.  I know that each person has to want it for themselves but I also know maybe something I can say could help make them at least start.  I'm hoping to get a TOPS chapter started at my gym.  My little group of folks from the contest are interested and I think together we could accomplish so much.  I also think getting a chapter started in a gym would be a first for TOPS or at least in the state of Maryland and maybe it could start something big so we can get younger folks into the organization.  That is really what TOPS needs if it wants to survive.  Anyway, I have new ideas and new hopes and goals.

Friday, Kevin turned 21.  Hard to believe that he's that old.  We got to skype with him and his girlfriend and her little girl.  He graduates nuclear school next month and we will be going up there for it.  I'm very much looking forward to seeing them.  He will be going out into the fleet after that. They have decided that his girlfriend and her little girl will move here closer to us so that while he's away she will have family near by since she doesn't have family of her own.  It's possible they may buy a house so they may stay with us for a few weeks (or months) depending how things go.  I think I will enjoy having a little grand daughter :) She's 4 and the cutest little thing.  I think it will enrich all our lives to have them closer by.  

Jane comes to mind when I write this next part as I know she can totally identify and she has always said this is something that is a must for any food addict.  I have decided for the final time that I just can't indulge in sugary things.  I've talked about it here before but during these past 8 weeks I've really come to terms with it.  I've decided for myself that I won't eat anything sugary till my Birthday in June and then just for my Birthday I will allow myself a sweet treat.  Then I will pick another date after then but from this point on it will be only the occasional thing and it will be scheduled down the road and for just a one time thing.  I just know for myself that it's the sugary things that make the scale creep up and also give me the crazy brain. I'm going to see how this goes for me but deep down I know it is what I need to do for me.  

Nick, Marie and Mike are doing fine.  We've had some drama with Nick but we are managing and I know everything will be ok.  It's funny how different children are from each other and how they need different parenting.  I'd like to think we are doing an ok job.

Well that is it from me, I'm hoping I will find more time to come post now and get back to supporting all my friends here, I've missed everyone.  I have read some blogs but have lots of catching up to do.

Till next time...

Happy Easter!!!

Well it's almost Easter already, seems like time is flying by.  I took today off, not feeling very well, have a tinge of a sore throat coming on and was just feeling exhausted last night and this morning.  Feels good to just be home relaxing and doing what I want.  The kids are home with me so Marie and I will probably venture out in a bit to do some shopping.  Have things to get for the TOPS convention next week and also for Easter and my great niece's Birthday which is tomorrow.  

We will be heading up to Baltimore for the party so looking forward to seeing my niece and great niece, hard to believe she's turning 2 already.  I'm not sure if my mom will be at the party or not.  I would volunteer to pick her up but my niece doesn't really want her there so it's my sister pushing for that yet my sister isn't going because I'm coming.  All the darn family dysfunction, just wish it could all be easier.  I know we will have a good time no matter what though.

So the gym and online contests are still going well.  I'm back to 181 lbs as of this morning so that's an 18 lb lose in just 6 weeks.  Sometimes I don't understand myself.  Just seems not all that hard for me to drop a few lbs when I put my mind to it.  I sure know how to lose weight so not sure why I can't learn how to keep it off easier.  I have said it many times and heard it from others about it being giving up sugar.  So once the contests are over I'm going to continue not having sugar.  I will allow myself a Birthday treat (not at home) and maybe a few other times through the year but I'm really going to give it a good effort to stay clear of it.  I find that pizza or the occasional fast food doesn't trigger the "crazed eating" mind like sugary treats do.  So for now that's my plan.

Will I win the gym contest?  Well I don't know, the smaller girl is still ahead of me by like 0.2% and there is another larger woman that is less than a % behind so we will see.  Honestly at this point if I don't win I will be fine with it.  I think the big thing that has happened for me is I've met some really nice people during the challenge and feel like I've made some lasting friendships at the gym.  I'm hoping after the challenge that we can continue working out sometimes.  I think it's what's been missing for me.  

Mike is in a bit of a funk these days.  He's drifted back over 300 and that's always scary for both of us.  He hasn't been going to the gym this week either.  I hope he can get himself back on track.  He does see when he goes to the gym at least 3 times a week he at least can maintain and even lose a bit.  He's been eating out a lot more during the day too as I see him bringing his packed lunches back home.  I noticed he didn't even take lunch today.  I hope he can find his mojo again but I love him no matter what.

If I've realized nothing else through this 20 lb gain this past year it's that it's my self image I have to fix.  I have to love myself just as I am today and really mean it.  I need to look in the mirror and point out my good traits not always pick at myself.  I need to realize how far I've come and that the person I am today is not the depressed, anxious, unhappy person I was 5 1/2 yrs ago.  I'm healthy now and though I may not be a size 6 I am happy and content in my size 12 body.  I know just loving the me of today will help push me to an even healthier me down the road if that's what I want for myself.  

Well guess I better go get showered so Marie and I can get going.  

Hope everyone has a very Happy Easter!!!

Till next time...

Stopping In

So a few weeks have went by so I thought I'd drop in to say hi.  Been super busy with the 2 contests (gym and online one) but I'm feeling really great.  I've dropped another 4 lbs.  You would think it would go quicker but I know 2 lbs a week is the way to keep it off plus trying not to lose any muscle along the way.  I'm holding second place in the gym contest, little thin girl is beating me by 1% and that's fine.  I would like to win but if I don't I'm just happy it re-motivated me to get my butt moving again and getting the weight back off.  

Spring is finally coming and soon I will be starting my training for my marathon.  I'm still scared as heck about it and of course unsure of myself.  I feel it has been a goal of mine forever so I really need to just do it and get it over with.  The one I found has a longer time for walkers so I won't have to stress over being fast enough.  It will just be about putting in the miles and getting it done. It's in November though so going to be cold but hopefully not to terrible.  

Hard to believe it's March already.  I have my TOPS annual convention coming up in less than a month.  I'm looking forward to it, should be fun.  I had hoped Mike could go with me but we just can't coordinate the details of having people watch the kids.  So guess him and I will have to find some time alone when the kids are off at grannies in the summer.  

Kevin graduates nuclear school May 10th.  It may get pushed a few days back due to weather but that's the plan for now.  We will go up to NY for it and spend a few days with him and his girlfriend and little girl.  I'm looking forward to seeing them again.  His Birthday is 1 month from tomorrow, he'll be 21.  It's hard to believe it's been 10 yrs since he came to us.  He's grown into a nice young man, I'm so proud of him.  I know I'll cry my eyes out at his graduation for so many reason.

His sister has invited us to my great nieces 2nd Birthday which is at the end of this month.  I'm excited about going.  I feel like we are getting closer again.  I'm hoping her and the baby will come for a visit soon too.

Marie has finished basketball and starts soccer this week or next.  I will get back to a few walks a week but will miss my evening workout classes, been taking a lot of them.  Maybe Mike can do some of the practices, we can share this year.  

Nick has finally picked his one low grade up and now has his electronics back which I can tell you he's very very happy about lol.  He was without them a good month.  All it took was one tutoring session with the teacher, not sure why he didn't ask her sooner.  Took a few emails from me, kids just don't seem to want to ask nothing.  

My mom is doing ok.  She's getting iron every few weeks and her blood numbers have come up.  She never seems to call me unless she needs a few dollars.  I will see her when I go up for the baby's Birthday in a few weeks.  I haven't been up there since January.  I continue to be distant from everyone there it seems.  Have spoke to my girlfriend a few times and it's been fine.  I'm just feeling like I'm doing what I need to do for myself and family here these days.

I guess that about covers things here.  Life is good.

Well till next time...

So Much Time

Has almost a month really went by on me?  I guess I did realize that and realized I hadn't posted here in a long time too.  Maybe I was just waiting till I was in a better mindset before coming to talk.  I know my last few posts have been pretty positive and talking about mind work, etc.  I also know it's been a mixed bag for me.  

I had decided I was joining my gym's biggest loser contest again this year.  Mike had decided he wasn't.  I really wasn't upset about that at all since I knew how frustrating it was to him last year to lose by just 0.2 of a lb.  But for myself I hadn't really put my whole self into it last year and I still managed 3rd place so I kind of thought if I really put myself into it I could/can win it.  So today was the first weigh in and by some crazy miracle (and clean eating and 12 workouts) I lost 8 lbs this week.  I didn't starve myself ate between 1300-1700 calories but I did work my butt off literally.  

What it makes me wonder is why do I ever let myself fall back into old habits and struggle with food.  That is what I have to really give thought to.  Going through this week of eating and cooking lots of fantastic healthy food I realized just how much I can enjoy food with 0 guilt attached.  So why then do I sometimes fall back into old habits and turn to the crap food? I guess it's just a deep seeded thing within me and I am an addict. It really is about not allowing myself to have the first bite, at least of sugary things or something in a bag or box. I do know I can enjoy food without guilt and that I have to really focus on that by buying and trying new foods and recipes that will make me feel good all the way around. I also know how therapeutic cooking is to me and using that to my advantage is going to keep pushing me forward too.  

With that said, I had let myself fall pretty hard the few weeks before the contest.  To the point I was getting scared.  I was starting to question my sanity with my crazy "before contest" thinking and just letting myself eat whatever I wanted in whatever quantities.  It lead to a many lb gain and seeing a number on the scale that scared the crap out of me.  I know that's what everyone reading always waits for "how much as she gained?".  I know not everyone thinks of that in a mean way but just an "inquiry minds want to know".  My weigh in for the contest last Saturday was 199 lbs.  Yep, I was just 1 lb from the 200 mark that I promised myself I would never see again.  Thankfully I am at 191 today and knowing that number is only going to continue to fall as I work towards winning the contest I'm feeling much less scared.  

What does this all say to me?  I think it tells me that I need a goal in front of me ALWAYS.  Not just a "go through life do whatever" but actual written down 'tough for me" goals that I have to work towards.  I know not everyone is that way but I'm realizing I am.  Maybe sometime years down the road I won't need that but right now right this minute in my life I do need that.  

Is it about recognition?  Well maybe it is.  Maybe when I had actually lost my weight and reached several of my goals way back when I never celebrated it with anyone but you guys here.  In real life I had my TOPS celebrations but otherwise I didn't make much of a deal of it.  I know it was because I still felt I hadn't went as far as I could or should with my weight loss.  But having gained back 18 lbs (26 lbs last week) from my low I've come to realize that it's not about the scale.  It's about how I feel on the inside, about my own self image.  Which is what I've been talking about a lot here.

I think some of my mindset change is because I am very involved these days again with my online "burn the fat inner circle' friends that helped me several years ago get over the 100 lb hump.  I feel like I am with a whole group of athletes that strive day after day to hit their next goal.  It's a different mindset than my TOPS family who will pat you on the back if you gain 5 lbs and say "better next time don't worry about it".  These folks in a loving way will say "come on get with the program you can and will do this, now get your butt moving".  I think I've needed that for a long time to be motivated by others instead of always feeling I was suppose to be the motivator.  

I do have some folks here that have motivated me so greatly and I will always be here because this place has been a big part of my lift too and I know I will need it for a long time to come if not forever.  But I don't know how much I will be here with all the contest stuff over the next 7-8 weeks.  But I think of so many of you on a daily basis and I have been reading some of your posts.  I realize I need to invest in all of you as well as myself because I know I don't want to be without you all and friends have to be there for each other. 

So I do hope everyone is having a great weekend and I will keep in touch.

Till next time...

9 days gone by

Hard to believe 9 days have gone by since my last post.  So thought I should come by and check in.  Things are fine in my neck of the woods.  Just going along doing what needs to be done.  The working on the inside stuff is going pretty well.  

Started a new weight lifting routine too.  It's been a bit trying for me as it's stuff I haven't done in awhile due to not lifting heavy for a long time.  So going to see how that goes.  They got new cardio equipment at the gym that I totally hate so trying to get adjusted to that which so far isn't going all that great.  Will be glad when the weather warms up so I can get back to walking.  So been taking some classes instead and that's been going good.  

Mike and I plan on entering the biggest loser contest again this year and this year we will be in it to win it :)  I'm still doing the burn the fat, feed the muscle stuff and have a really nice new group there that I've known some for several years. So I think all these things are going to keep me motivated and hopefully moving back down the scale some.  I'm tired of fighting the scale even when I say I'm not going to.  The truth of the matter is I always will to an extent.  I do believe though that as I get my head on straight with my self image that will go hand in hand with not struggling as much.

Been listening to my self help/self image audio books still and I'm just really loving that during work hours.  I can't listen all day but I get a few hours of the stuff in my head at least  which is nice.  Even if I can't totally focus on it I think it sinks in some.  I've re listened to some of it a few times too so that helps.  

Got to see my niece and great grand niece yesterday. Marie and I met them half way for lunch and shopping and book store time.  It was nice, though made me happy to have kids older now :) I think my niece and I are starting to reconnect.  She talked about her and the baby coming for a weekend and this year I will be invited to the baby's 2nd Birthday party in march.  So that makes me feel good.  I do want to know the baby and not be a stranger to her.  

Well I think that's about it for me.  Will try to update more often.  

Till next time...

Working on the Inside

I'm not sure how long it's been now, several months at least that I've really been trying hard to work on the mental aspects of myself. Sure I've been doing some mental work my whole life to bring me to this point but I think now where I am is so different than say even a year ago.  I'm trying to rewrite those tapes in my head about my self image that I've carried with me all my life.  It's tough work. 

Then of course there's the scale that is always in the background trying to define who I am.  Of course it's just my inner self doing that to me as I know the scale is just a lump of metal and plastic with no brain.  I know when I'm doing healthy things for myself everything always seems right with the world.  I know deep down it's really my mind that comes first in all of it.  That when I'm feeling good emotionally then I want to treat my body well.  

I listened to something on the BFFM Inner circle the other day by Tom Venuto, he said draw a circle and then said that was my comfort zone.  He talked about us drawing a new circle for ourselves and how we have to continue drawing more circles.  It made me think of myself stuck between two circles sometimes dipping my foot back into the comfort zone or even sometimes diving back in.  But it also made me realize that more times I'm just in that place between the two not sure how to draw the next circle to jump into.  

That's what writing my goals the other day was about, drawing that next circle.  To get to a point of knowing deep down in my core that I don't need to dip my foot or even a toe back in that comfort zone.  That I will just keep pushing myself to keep drawing more and more new circles for myself and continue to grow mentally and physically into the person I know I am capable of being.  

I've been reading and listening a lot about "visualize yourself accomplishing your goals" and the past few days I've found myself tearing up picturing myself crossing the finish line of my first marathon.  I know it will happen for me this year.  I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say there was still a bit of doubt that lives inside me but I also know there is a determination that will over come it to help me walk across that line.  

It takes me back to that poem:

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

I need to read that poem to myself often.  Lately I have read so much from other people that do shine and that push past their fears and they accomplish their goals.  Then there are people like me that let their fears run way to much of their life.  I hope anyone reading this will have the same reaction I do every time I read it.  They know deep down they are capable  of shining just as bright as every other person they see with their light on.

So with that said I want each of you that doubt yourself even for a minute to keep those words close to your heart and know you are deserving of shining.

Till next time...

Had a tough go there for a bit

I told myself I wasn't going to talk about weight as much here but honestly when the weight isn't in a good place I'm not in a good place.  It's not so much about the number on the scale really as it is about what is going on inside myself.  When I'm treating myself well and taking care of myself well I feel well and of course when I'm not, I'm not.  

My trip to Baltimore was tough.  It had some good points but the not so good points seemed to weigh heavy on my mind and still are.  It makes me realize why I've distanced myself from everyone through the past 5 1/2 yrs.  But the fact is I can't continue to distance myself because my mother does need me. 

I went to lunch with my girlfriend.  It didn't start off the best with her.  It  really felt like she was in "punish Dawn" mode.  She wasn't mean but she had that distant way about her like she could care less if I was there or not. I let her lead the conversation and eventually things felt more comfortable.  We hadn't seen each other since April so I'm sure she was as nervous as I was.  After lunch she went to Old Navy with me so I could tell that she didn't mind being with me.  When she drove me back to my car I decided to just give her the 2 small gifts I had bought for her.  I had seen something in a little local shop a few weeks back and knew she would really like it, it was very her :) I could tell she really did like it and after we parted later in the day she texted me and told me she had a lovely lunch and that she really liked her gift.  

To think I invested so much of my thoughts and time in being anxious and worrying over nothing really.  It reminded me how much time I've spent in my anxiety and how not having had much lately I don't miss it.  

So after lunch I headed to my mom's.  What I found was pretty darn upsetting.  A house full of fruit flies and some of them were the size of regular flies, there were hundreds, maybe a thousand even.  It was so upsetting to me.  Her poor parrot (Rosey is about 15 yrs old) was living in a cage infested with them from a huge pile of molded, rotted food at the bottom of the cage.  I felt sick, repulsed, upset. I ended up spending the next few hours cleaning an old cage that was in my mom's shed and switching out cages.  Not an easy feat at all considering the cage hangs from the ceiling and is heavy and HUGE.  Then I went out and got fly strips to hang around to try and get rid of the ones that didn't leave with the cage.

Then I guess I didn't realize what my mother's tests the next day entailed.  But she had to prep herself by drinking 1/2 a gallon of yucky stuff to flush herself out.  I had plans of going to dinner with her and Angie but of course that wasn't going to happen since my mother couldn't eat 24 hours before the test.  So I spent the next 4 hours trying to get my mom to drink this stuff and her acting like she was 5.  Then my sister is on the phone yelling at me over her not drinking the stuff and telling me she better call the doctor then.  So I had my mom call and talk to the doctor to try to talk her into drinking more.  By 8pm I was mentally exhausted.

I felt bad but I made the decision to do what was best for me and told mom I wasn't sleeping at her house that I was going to my niece's to visit her and the baby. The doctor had told mom to continue trying to drink the stuff and continue going to the bathroom to clean herself out.  It all just felt to much like the old days of everyone making me feel guilty and trying to get me to do what they want.  

Going to my niece's was the best thing I could do for myself though.  Her, I and the baby went out to a local diner and had a late dinner.  It just felt good to hang out and try to talk about other things and spending some time with the baby.  I was grateful she had talked me into coming.  Her husband works nights so we got to go back to the house and just sit and talk.  It was a nice evening even though I was still feeling kind of guilty over leaving my mom.  

In the morning I got up, got ready and headed back to my mom's to take her to the hospital for her tests.  When I arrived there she was with a soda in her hand.  I'm like "what are you doing mom you're not allowed to have anything to eat or drink" and then she realized and said "I only had a sip" but then goes on to be upset with me for being upset with her.  Then she's full of anxiety and again I'm feeling guilty. 

We made it to the hospital though and thankfully she was cleaned out enough to get both tests.  They found 1 polyp which they removed and no internal bleeding.  So we still don't know what is causing her low blood counts or weight loss.  I'm hopeful she will start improving.  They have been giving her intravenous iron every few weeks.

When I got back home I was pretty mentally exhausted.  Then my sister calls and yells and hollers at me a few days later.  She seems to think I'm suppose to be responsible for my mom.  She wanted me to take over her finances, to come up there once a month to clean her house, etc.  It felt like when we were kids and she would bully me to get me to do what she wanted. It sure didn't feel good but I stood my ground with her and told her I would continue doing what I could for mom out of love.  That neither of us owed our parents anything and that anything we did for mom should be out of love and care.  Anyway, she wasn't happy I wasn't complying with what she wanted me to do.  I don't know that I will be able to have a relationship much with her if she feels she needs to talk to me that way.  I know it's all upsetting for her too but I was hoping we could be a team.  Through my time in Baltimore I never even saw her just had several not good conversations with her.

Then last week I was down and out with the flu from hell.  You would think it would have made me lose weight but not the case.  I gained 6 lbs in one week to a point I was feeling so out of control I was feeling scared.  I know part of it was my mom stuff and then the BFFM contest that I made the decision not to officially finish.  I posted my final stats but decided not to take pictures.  I'm not sure why because I do think there was at least a little bit of change (some more muscle definition in my upper body) I think it was in part that my team of "lovely lean ladies" had kind of fallen apart.  Only one of the ladies finished officially and then made a comment she was disappointed in the rest of us.  I don't know I just didn't feel a part of their team from almost day one.  

But there were old friends on the BFFM board that I knew from years back and they embraced me and brought me into their little fold and this week I'm feeling on top of the world.  I am making new goals for myself and I'm feeling confident I will reach them.

Goals:

 

I am so happy I came in the top 3 for the biggest loser contest at the gym 

 

I am thankful that my body is healthy and my body fat is down 12% and that I accomplished this by the start of the BFFM Summer challenge

 

I am so grateful to be back to 178 lbs and able to say "I've lost 200 lbs" again and that I accomplished this by the start of the BFFM summer challenge

 

I am happy to feel peace within myself from meditating daily and finding 20 mins a day to just be

 

I'm glad I'm visiting 1 local TOPS chapter every month to help motivate people to be healthier and move their bodies on a regular basis

 

I'm excited to have organized another local 5k Saturday April 13th, 2013 to help people in my local TOPS chapters of all ages realize that walking can change their lives

 

I've trained well for my first full marathon by following my walking schedule (http://www.marathonwalking.com/schedule_marathon.html) which I started at the beginning of the BFFM summer challenge

 

I feel so accomplished and happy to have walked my first full marathon on Nov 10, 2013

 

What's important to me about reaching my goals?

 

The word that comes to mind is CONSISTENCY. I think that's the biggest thing I want for myself, to find peace and balance, this is for life after all. To not let the scale rule my life but also not "fall off the wagon" whenever I feel the urge to eat poorly. To manage my food addiction on a moment by moment basis with continual healthy self talk. To find confidence within myself and stop being the fat woman in my head, to become the woman I know I can be.

 

I also want to help motivate and inspire others to want change for themselves. I need to have a daily passion for my well being emotionally and physically. Walking a full marathon has been a dream since the day I walked out my front door and 15 mins down the road and back at 340+ lbs in July 2007.  Walking outside in nature brings me internal joy like nothing else and I want to share that with as many people as I can that don't think they can even walk 5 mins.

 

Why is that important?

 

I want to live a healthy happy life with Mike and the kids for years to come.  I want to be present in my life not checked out emotionally. I want to teach my children the happiness and benefit of health. I look forward to Mike and I traveling and hiking in remote places, taking our children and eventually our grand children and giving them the love of fitness and outdoors. I think my story can help others.That showing my support, giving motivation and trying to inspire others can help other people and their families live healthier lives.

 

I need to set the bar higher for myself.  I need to have constant goals ahead of me to push towards. I need to have confidence in myself and realize sharing that confidence helps others find it in themselves as well. I need to stand tall with other people and know that my weight doesn't define who I am, that I am equal regardless of how much I weigh.  I need to have love for myself for who I am not the body I live in and with that love will come the body I desire because I will have worked for it and earned it through love, care and consistency.

So far this week I've done a few things to push me towards my goals.  Concerning the marathon I've contacted the race director and asked about the time and have learned that the marathon is definitely 8 hours for walkers and that the time keeper generally stays past the 8 hours and keeps the finish line open at least an additional 30 mins.  So I know that will give me the confidence to do this marathon knowing I will be able to finish with an actual time.  

Tonight's TOPS meeting was good too.  I'm hopefully helping to motivate my group with some new things for the year.  This week it's eating A-C grade foods.  It was a list I found online and though I don't agree with everything I think it's a good way for my chapter (and myself) to eat less processed foods this week.  I'm just feeling more motivated about so many things.

Also, still listening to "the power of now" and also "psycho-cybernetics" which talks about redefining our self image.  I really do realize that it still all goes back to that internal recording I have about myself.  Inside I'm still that fat woman not the woman I am now.  When I was working with Tara she talked about actually burying that woman for good.  I really couldn't grasp the concept but I think I am getting closer to the point of laying her to rest once and for all.  

Anyway, life is good, I'm doing my best to live in the "now" and today was a good day.

Till next time...

The Start of 2013

I wish I had fancy pictures to go along with the past few weeks but I just got home from a 9 1/2 hour drive back from NY visiting with Kevin and I'm pretty beat.  I had a good Christmas and a great New Years though.  I am looking forward to the new year and looking forward to more personal growth.

A few days ago marked 3 yrs of maintenance for me.  Boy what I've learned in the past 3 yrs about myself.  2010 I think of as the year of celebration, I had so much happen that celebrated my weight loss I felt like a super star. 2011 I think of as the year of surgeries and having to rely on Mike and others for so much physically and emotionally and 2012 as the year of standing on my own where I really learned about the need to support myself most of all.

I'm looking forward to this year and accomplishing new things for myself that aren't weight related.  I've not given a great amount of thought to what those things will be yet but I'm excited about a fresh year in so many ways and really focusing on "fixing myself happy".

As for my holidays, it's been nice having 2 weeks off but boy how it flew by.  I still can't hardly believe its almost over.  Christmas was low key spent with Mike and the kids.  Last week I just enjoyed going to the gym everyday and spending the days any way I wanted to.  Friday we hit the road for NY to beat the snow to go see Kevin, his girlfriend and her little girl. We had a really nice visit and got to enjoy our first snow of the season.  

Yesterday I met up with Lori and her mom and it was just great getting to see them again.  It's hard to believe it's been almost 3 yrs since our trip to the Dr. Oz show.  I still can't thank her enough for loaning me that black turtleneck :) 

Today it was so cool that as we were driving back I realized I was in NJ just minutes from my girlfriend I visited back over the summer and so she met us for lunch which was great getting to see her and her seeing the kids who she hadn't seen in almost 2 yrs.  She couldn't believe how much they had both grown.  

Tomorrow I head to Baltimore, will have lunch with my girlfriend, dinner with my mom and sister and then go see my niece and great niece.  Thursday I take my mom to the hospital for her tests.  Then Friday it will be back to work.  Kind of nice to think I will have another weekend off after just a day of work too.  Probably should have just taken Friday off too but figured one day of work after 2 weeks off won't kill me lol.  

Hope everyone is enjoying their first day of the new year and here's to a great year for all of us.

Till next time...

Christmas is Coming

Yes, it's just a few days till Christmas.  I'm looking forward to it as I always do.  I'm also not ready as usual but this year I'm not worried about anything.  In the few months I've realized that stressing over things does me no good.  Of course I've know that for years but I'm actually practicing just going with things and though often that means flying by the seat of my pants I'm ok with that.  

I've gotten to 7 different local TOPS meetings and did my yearly area captain program for them and they've all enjoyed having me and it's done my soul a lot of good.  I do realize I do have things to say and it makes me realize that though sometimes I struggle and don't feel like a success I am and I can help others with my words.  

I have off till Friday Jan 4th so really I only have one day of work for the next 2 weeks which sounds great to me.  It will do me good to have that break.  I plan on working out everyday and just having some me time.  

We are planning to go see Kevin New Year's weekend (Sat-Tue) which I know he's happy about.  I can't say I'm thrilled over 8+ hours of driving each way but I know he will appreciate the time with us.  I am looking forward to seeing his new little apt and buying a few things for it.  It will also be fun to buy a few things for the little one (she's 4) and to get to know his girlfriend a little better.  

I've been doing some baking this year for gift giving and I'm realizing that as long as I don't have any I'm good.  But I have had my share over the past week.  My goal is to stay out of what Mike's mom sent us and hopefully drop a few lbs in the next 2 weeks before my little challenge I'm doing is over.  I've lost all of 3 lbs in the past 5 weeks of the challenge but I guess that is better than gaining.  I had hopes of doing better but I'm ok with 3 lbs.  

Mike and I made it to the gym this morning before 7:30 and I put in 2 full hours.  Ended up taking a class taught by a trainer I hadn't seen before.  He was very motivating and I liked how he showed modifications for my bad knees.  I will try to take his class on Sundays from here on.  

I had hurt my back last week and so didn't do much this week at all and thankfully it has healed up ok though it's a bit sore again today.  I had the trainer show me how to use the foam roller and he also told me a few other things I could do for soreness so I will try things to keep my back going this week.  Hopefully it won't get as bad as it was and eventually it will be fine.  

Going to bake a turkey for Christmas dinner.  Haven't had a turkey in a long time so that will be a nice change for us. Hoping I can just stay good with food through the rest of the holidays.  

After my visit with Kevin I will be going to Baltimore to visit family and take my mom for her tests.  Hopefully I will get to see at least a few people, my sister, my niece and the baby to name a few.  I would like to see my girlfriend but not sure if that will happen.  Have thought about inviting her to visit but haven't yet.  Just not sure where she is mentally concerning me.  We've talked a few times and it's been fine.  I'm just feeling more at peace about everyone lately.  Really trying to look at people in a loving way and love them for who they are.  

Been listening to "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.  I've never read or listened to anything by him and so far I'm liking what he has to say, he makes sense to me.  I think if I want to continue growing emotionally I need more me time and the more I can read about "letting go of old stuff" the better.  I got a subscription to audible books for work. 

As for work, I'm feeling somewhat better about it all.  It seems everyone is getting along ok and we are getting a bit closer it seems.  I'm enjoying more interaction with the ladies too.

Nick and I put a 500 piece puzzle together last night and today and though I did most of it, it was really nice having some quality time with him.  We talked some about my past and he asked some questions.  I think he has some fear about growing up and having to go out into the real world.  Hard to believe he only has a few more years to go.  Having been on my own since 18 I think I'm in a different mind than some parents.

I'm sure I could sit here and talk more but going to go hang with the family.  

Hope everyone has a very merry Christmas and happy New Year if I don't make it back here before then.

Until next time...

What To Say

I've not watched the news this week as I know I would just sit and cry.  I first heard of the shooting from a co-worker and then we realized that Newtown CT was just a few mins from where our parent company is.  We immediately called them to make sure everyone and their loved ones were ok which they were.  Of course it didn't make it any less terrible.  

I've listened to Mike tell me things about the killer and I want to find reason in it.  I want to blame the killers mother asking why she had guns in her home where there are things saying the son had mental illness.  I just want to understand.  But sometimes there really isn't a reason at least not that we can understand.  

I just feel for all those parents and loved ones that lost someone and those poor sweet children and educators that lost their lives so senselessly.  My thoughts and prayers go out to them.  

A Quick Post

Well we are moved into the new building.  I've been feeling a little melancholy.  No one has any privacy now which I think is the biggest issues followed by we have to clock in and out now which make it feel a bit stressful especially since Marie has been sick the past few days and I've had to go and get her at school and then take her to the doctors the other day. Then there was her Christmas program and today I had a TOPS meeting to do during the day.  Anyway, I'm sure I will adjust with time but right now I can't say I'm thrilled over the move.  

Can't really post at work now either or even read a few blogs every now and then.  So I really need to find a new routine for myself.  I've thought about writing just about everyday but then never seem to do it.  Things are going fine I guess, weight has crept back up several lbs (187) and I'm feeling blah tonight about it.  I guess it's just because I don't want weight (the scale) to be my focus for the rest of my life.  But then I also know I have to keep somewhat focused on healthy and well being.  I think really I need to work on the mental aspect of it all and find some spiritual time for myself.  

Working out has never really been my problem and I've actually gotten in 3 morning classes this week.  I've enjoyed getting back to that and plan on trying to keep it up as it does leave my evenings open for other things. 

I guess the whole challenge thing I'm doing has me down too.  I just don't fit in with the "lovely lean ladies" and maybe it's me being a little judgemental and feeling like "how could they ever understand" and "why can't these beautiful women love themselves as they are" and  "I'm just the fat old lady of the team and I'm not motivated to show them what I'm capable of".  I don't really identify with the girls and they do feel like girls to me.  I wish I had held out for another team or no team at all so I didn't feel like I was letting anyone down.  The other girls though have been feeling down too though so it just makes for a group of complainers lol.  

I know a lot of it is the office move and honestly that is perfectly ok.  Really if I come out of the challenge even breaking even I've still done well having gotten through Thanksgiving and Christmas unscathed.  But it just feels like a defeat to me in so many ways that I'm not putting my all into it and that all I seem to want to do lately is eat more than I should.  I've not fallen into sweets or anything so terrible I'm just eating to much.

Anyway, I didn't really want to come here after missing all this time and post a blah post but it is how I'm feeling.  Honestly I'm mourning for the lost of a office building lol.  It's really much more than that but that's how it's feeling to me.  

I'm so not ready for Christmas yet either.  I've only bought 3 gifts for Marie, none for Nick or anyone else.  Still don't have the tree up either.  What the heck is wrong with me?  I can't say I feel depressed, just kind of blah.  Need to pull myself up by the boot straps and get my butt in gear and start feeling more up beat.  

Kevin is wanting us to come visit so I'm thinking we might for New Years weekend.  Hopefully the weather will stay good till then.  

Then I'm suppose to go take my mom for her tests on Jan 3rd.  I talked to her tonight and I felt so disconnected.  I don't know what is wrong with me, there's my mom sick and I'm barely listening.  She's dropped another 10 lbs in the past month, I'm feeling more worried about her.  I just don't understand why they are making her wait so long for these tests it just doesn't make sense to me.  I hope they will show something so we know what's going on with her.  She been going for her iron treatments but still talking about how tired she is.  

A part of me just wants to delete this.  Wish I had a happy Christmas post in my pocket to dish out to everyone about how sunny and terrific everything is with Christmas just a few short weeks away. I'm sure I will pick myself up and get in the groove of things.  I just need to give myself a good talking to.  

Glad tomorrow is Friday at least I'll have the weekend.  Mike's Christmas party is tomorrow at lunch time and then Saturday we have another party to go to for one of his coworkers 50th Birthday so it will be nice to get out and mingle with grown ups.  

Anyway, forgive me for the boo hooing really life isn't bad at all.  Thanks to the folks that have asked about me too :) 

Till next time...

Mid Week and Moving Day

Moving day started for my office was today.  I spent yesterday running over to the new building taking measurements and updating my floor plan hoping everything would fit.  The cubicles are already there but I'm in charge of the side offices and the tons of bookshelves, file cabinets, not blocking the tons of windows in the place and just hoping that the owner won't hate it.  So yes it's been a bit of a stressful few days.  


I started off yesterday though going to boot camp for what I thought was trainer Jen's last class.  She was our favorite trainer for the biggest loser contest last winter.  I have been doing night workouts so haven't seen her in awhile but was determined not to miss her last class.  Well it's not her last class and I can go to a few more Wednesday boot camps if I can get my butt up :) so I will try.  
She about killed us yesterday my legs are still feeling it. It was a warm 61 degrees out at 5:30 yesterday morning if you can believe that for December in Maryland, crazy weather this week but I'm loving it (though it was 37 this morning) So she had us running around the parking lot doing tons of lunges and squats and even push ups on the curb.  Was nice being there with her and all the folks that love her class though.  She's always so thoughtful with me about modifying things so it's not so hard on my knees.  

So about this crazy weather. I had noticed one single lavender rose bud on my bush out front.  I thought for sure the cold would eventually get it and I would never see it bloom but the other day it was 73 degrees out and when I got home that evening there was my beautiful rose all bloomed out.  I couldn't help myself but to break it off and bring it inside.  Had to make Mike and Nick and Marie all smell how wonderful it smelled.  To think I have a beautiful rose from my yard in a vase on my counter to smell everyday for awhile feels a bit crazy :) but oh so nice.   I smell it every time I pass it, can't help myself.  You know the whole "stop and smell the roses" is definitely true for me this week :)

I did the area captain program for my group last night and I think everyone got a lot out of it.  Mike has been in a bit of a funk and he wouldn't go to TOPS with me.  So I went on without him.  Then the hurt part of me couldn't help herself and I had to call him up and say I was disappointed he wasn't going to hear my program.  Then I said bye and hung up.  It was wrong of me to try to guilt him but I just didn't think it would kill him to go to TOPS with me and actually knew it would do him some good seeing everyone.  

So I got to the meeting and 10 mins went by and not a soul showed up.  I started to wonder if I would be the only one coming and then one after another started coming in.  Then Mike came in too and we ended up with 10 of us.  I think they all enjoyed my program too.  The great thing though was Mike lost 2 lbs and was the biggest loser of the week. I could tell he was glad he had went too.  

As for me, I'm down another few lbs.  Jen asked me yesterday if I had lost some weight and I got to tell her 7 lbs since the last time I saw her which felt good.  It feels good to be traveling in the other direction.  The scale said 183 this morning and I'm hopeful again to be in the 170's not that far in the future.  For me it's important to put that weight out there for accountability for myself.  I really know it benefits me and I'm always for things that benefit me. 
 
I really am focusing on my relationship with food.  It feels different this time too.  It doesn't feel like I'm focusing as much on food as just on my thinking.  I'm finding I'm going through the days without food being on my mind much.  I seem to just think about it when I'm actually hungry.  I'm just eating something and forgetting about it again.  It feels good to be having that peace with food I'm always seeking.  

Well  this is really a post I started yesterday.  Now on to today's drama.  It's been a really long day.  I didn't get home tonight till 8:30pm.  I'm exhausted but feeling ok.  Earlier I can't say that was the case.  Boy what a day is all I can say.  Yesterday afternoon I found out the movers didn't know that our elevator at the new place wasn't approved.  So when they showed up the price had to be renegotiated and it got tripled.  So since I'm just the organizer I didn't worry about that and just went with it and told what went, etc. So then went over to the new building and told what went where etc.  There was some confusion and there were more bookshelves than I needed but oh well I figured people would just take home what we didn't need.  Anyway, the mover guys were great, hard workers, got a ton done in like 5 1/2 hours (4 trucks full) so at 2pm they had finished bringing up by the fire escape I might add all our stuff and so I told them they could go that I would see them tomorrow to get the few remaining bigger things (xerox, printers, plotter, etc) and the tons of boxes that had to be moved.  

Well I get back to the office and I'm told the movers won't be back tomorrow so I am so upset I feel like crying.  I'm the one that sent them home thinking they would be back the next day when I could have kept them a few more hours and maybe had them come back and another load.  It wasn't my fault the second day got canceled I know that and the boss man knew it wasn't my fault but I still felt bad.  Then just walking back into the building with so much gone after being there for 24 yrs just broke my heart.
 
I got choked up talking to my coworker while I was heating up my lunch at 2pm so just took my food and drove down to Mike's work and he made me feel a little better.  I know nothing today was my fault and I spent a LOT of time doing the floor plan and even though I feel like everything is so crammed in the new place and doesn't look up to what I think the owners will want I did the best with what I had to work with. 

 So then I ended up going back over to the new place and the young kids we have helping were putting together the chairs so I helped with that then a few more coworkers came back and they were really nice.  The one lady had her 2 girls with her and they are little mini's of her lol so we were laughing and joking and I felt a lot better.  

Then I headed a hour up the road for the TOPS meeting up there.  Everyone enjoyed seeing me and it was a good meeting and I felt so much better.  

I had thought about going to the gym again but now that we don't have movers tomorrow we will be moving the rest of our stuff ourselves.  2 of the guys went up the road and rented a uhaul truck for tomorrow.  What a day tomorrow is going to be lol.  But at least the elevator is working now.  As crappy as the old place was I'll miss it after 24 yrs.  But maybe this will be what our little place needs to bring us all back closer like we use to be years ago.  We'll definitely be sitting closer lol.

Well I'm beat so going to head off to bed.  Hopefully tomorrow won't be so bad I can look at it as lots of exercise at least :) Maybe this weekend I'll get the Christmas tree up and we'll finish raking the leaves in the yard. 


Till next time...

More Than a Week Gone By

My computer wouldn't start yesterday at work, ekkk.  Thankfully the computer guy came and fixed it with little trouble to me other than having to work on a SLOW machine till 2pm.  But I'm just glad not to have lost anything and being back up and running. 

Boy has a week and a half really went by already since my last post?  Seems to have flown by to me.  In that time I've done 4 TOPS meetings, not my own chapter, and have another one tonight.  I've had my trip to Kentucky and I've been packing up at work for the move that was suppose to happen today that now has been pushed off till next week.

I've read many blog posts about being thankful over the Thanksgiving holiday and reading that stuff always warms my heart and makes me think of all the things I'm thankful for.  Sadly though sometimes I have to learn thankfulness by seeing a bad situation that others are in.  Going to Kentucky and seeing Mike's brother and his wife made me appreciate that Mike and his brother aren't alike.  Mike and I have had many conversations about people making their own happiness. I wish Mike's brother and his wife could find that with each other but honestly it seems they would be much better off apart.  But it is their life not mine. 

My time in Kentucky even while his brother was there was still very nice.  I walked 12 miles while there and loved every minute of it.  I found myself dreaming about Mike and I moving to the country in our retirement and being able to take walks like that and sit on the porch of a small country house.  Minus the brother and sister-in-law drama it was a really peaceful time for me (and the rest of the family).  Even my time around all the sweets wasn't to bad.  I had already made my plan for food and I did my best to follow it.  There were 5 different kinds of cookies, 4 different pies, pumpkin roll and a semi healthy fruit salad, not to mention the half gallons of ice cream in the freezer and I managed to get through 4 1/2 days with 3 cookies and a sliver of cherry and pumpkin pie.  I tried to really enjoy those few sweets in the moment and not feel I had to eat LOTS as I have in the past there on Thanksgiving.  It definitely felt like a big victory for me.

My TOPS area captain program this year is on "unhealthy eating vs restrictive eating".  I've kind of put my own twists on the program about my own experiences and it seems like the groups have gotten a lot out of my talk.  Last night's meeting I think was the best as afterwards we all just sat and talked about our relationship with food.  I've said for a long time I just want peace with food and really that is it.  Mike and I had a conversation the other night about when you are a food addict you do have to have somewhat of a "restrictive" food plan and I definitely saw his point but I guess I would rather use a word like "mindful" rather than restrictive.  I do realize though that some foods are just better not eaten at least not at home EVER (ice cream comes to mind).

I've also been doing my BFFM (burn the fat, feed the muscle) holiday challenge and it's going well so far.  I'm down a few lbs and just feeling so much stronger having gotten back to more weight lifting.  I've been rereading the BFFM ebook and also "new rules for lifting for women" (think that's the title lol).  I'm back to night time workouts this week and not sure how I feel about that.  I know in part it's that I've had 2 TOPS meetings last week and this week after work so then going to the gym after that I'm not getting home till super late and I'm pretty exhausted.  I would like to get back to some morning workouts but doing morning and night part time is just to tough I think so I really need to do one or the other consistently.   Maybe next week will be mornings again. Regardless though I'm feeling good about food and exercise. 

I really am focusing on "mindfulness" when it comes to food and not obsessing like I tend to do when I'm doing some kind of challenge.  I'm finding I'm thinking less about food that way.  When I do think about food too it's more rational.  I'd like to think as the years continue to go by I will continue to have more peace with food.  Next month will be 3 yrs as a KOPS for me.

When it comes to the scale I really am focusing on it not having power over me and that seems to be working.  I don't want to go through my life obsessing about it, worrying over 5-10 lbs.  Like I was telling the TOPS ladies last night this is about a life time not just "right now".  One lady asked what do you do when you are on a plateau and I told her "just hold on, practice maintenance, after all you'll be doing it for life eventually anyway".  Then I went on to say I'd like to think as I find more peace with food as time continues to go by my weight will just naturally drift down.  I think being honest with myself here will always be important for me too.  The scale said 185 this morning and though that's not as low as I would like I'm just fine with that number.  I think finding that contentment wherever I am is the bigger picture in this journey. 

This week I finished cleaning out my old desk here at work.  I came across so many things that brought back so many memories for me, some painful, some nice.  I also found several pictures of myself larger and looking at them just made me realize how far I've come and how I have to be thankful for the awakening I had as so many people I have met have not had their awakening yet.  I so often now find myself filled with joy with my accomplishment of conquering something I never thought I would be able to, learning to love myself. 

Well I better get back to work.

Till next time...

A little of everything

Feel like I've been writing this post for days (I have).  So regardless of if I put everything in it I will post it today for sure.

Been listening and reading some things about resentments lately and how that plays into relationships, especially with family and old friends.  I've known for a long time I hold resentments against people and that it does affect me and how I deal with them.  I think having spent a childhood of feeling neglected yet controlled and full of fear too it has left a lot of lasting things with me. 

I think giving an example is probably the best way to explain this.  Like with my mom and how now she expects me to come take her to doctors appts and things and be there for her yet growing up she really wasn't there for me, only in a limited way.  I don't really mind being there for her but it's more that she expects me to be.  It's about feeling people trying to weld control over me though I know really I hold my own control and it's a choice I make. 

I got thinking about all this because the other day my girlfriend called.  It was a weird conversation one we seemed to have had already maybe with a few added tidbits of additional memories but not really anything that I could see really mattering.  It was her again trying to dive into a past that has so many missing parts that I don't see how she can ever piece together something that will make sense or give her what she seems to be looking for.

After our call I just felt I didn't really say anything of meaning so I made the decision to call back and just ask how she was.  We ended up having a good conversation and I'd like to think I gave her some comfort which she so seldom lets me do.  I don't think our contact will be any more than it has been but at least I felt she knows I'm here if she needs or wants me to be.  

The whole trip to Kentucky and seeing my brother-in-law is on my mind too.  I talked to Mike's mom the other day and it just left me feeling bad.  I ended up saying all the things I felt and then I realized telling someone's mother all those things really accomplishes nothing other than making her feel she's to blame some how for his behaviors.  But he's an adult now and he is responsible for his own anger and actions.  Anyway, I feel I made an already bad situation worse by upsetting the one person that just wants her family all together for the holiday.  I will do my best to help not hurt with my words and actions when I go, that is my goal. I'm just looking to have a good time.

So Kevin came Friday with his new girlfriend her little girl and his friend.  They were traveling with another couple that was driving a truck so it ended up being way way later than we thought, they didn't arrive till 11:30pm.  So it left little time for us to visit.  But it was still nice and I found myself liking the woman and her daughter very much.  I only want good things for Kevin and for him to feel happy and content.  I don't know if he will find that with her but she seems to be a good fit for him.  I found myself wishing I had more time with them so I could get to know them better.  I don't know when the next time we will see them will be but I look forward to it.  
I was sad because after they got to NY I texted with Kevin and found out his sister was not coming to visit as she had said she would on the 18th, that was the reason he had to rush off so quickly.  It made me a bit upset too that she didn't tell him sooner so that they could have stayed with us longer.  Water under the bridge now but I'm sure for him it makes him feel yet again not worth the effort. If possible we will go visit him around Christmas for a few days even though he has to work.  It will give us time with the girlfriend and her daughter and maybe we can do a little shopping for a few things for their new apt.

I had a nice weekend.  Saturday it was beautiful out so got in a great walk down my road.  Then on Sunday I did something I've done, I entered a 49 day holiday challenge.  I don't know if any of you remember me talking about "burn the fat, feed the muscle" ebook by Tom Venuto (body builder).  It was a book I read when I was almost to my 100 lb mark.  It's what really helped me in so many ways.  Tom sends out an email to all his book buyers when he had a challenge.  They are free to enter and there is 10 female and 10 male prizes (grand prize is a trip to Maui).  I don't see myself in the running for the grand prize with the body I have lol but I could see me maybe winning one of the other prizes if I work hard enough.  Even if I win nothing it will help get me through the holidays and hopefully I'll see a body I've never seen before :) How great it would be to actually drop weight during the holidays.

I also joined a team for the challenge that consists of four 20 to 30 yr old ladies that already seem in pretty darn good shape to me.  I'll confess at first I felt a bit out of place and a little judgemental but as they posted and sent emails I could see their only purpose is to support and help me.  So I will do my best to have an open mind about new things and try to support them as well. 

The scariest thing about this is I had to take full front, side and back pics of myself in a sports bra and short shorts, ekkk.  I have never in my life wore a 2 piece anything showing my stomach out in public. I felt terrified yesterday and almost talked myself out of doing it.  But as I looked at other people's pics I realize all of us feel that way and so I should just be proud of how far I've come.  So the next 49 days will be spent working on me :)

I think I mentioned awhile ago that I was talking to a life coach.  Part of the reason I decided to have a life coach was because I wanted to be friends with this lady, as I have admired her for going on 2 yrs now.  Even though I'm ahead of her with time on this weight loss journey she has been ahead of me emotionally for a good while and I really just wanted some of what she had.  During our past 3+ weeks I feel like I've grown quite a bit.  I think the most valuable lesson is that sitting with my emotions is a must.  That I really have to deal with anxiety head on and not reach out to others or food to fix it.  I guess deep down I've known this but talking with her has really helped so much in that area.  The niacin has helped too with the anxiety and honestly I've had next to none in the past several weeks.  It really feels amazing to me.  So if you are looking for someone to coach you I highly recommend Tara :)

I also found out my dear long time friend Karen is also life coaching.  Her and I have had many a conversation about life and I always come away from our conversations giving thought to so many things, she really makes you think about what you want for yourself.  She calls herself the "acceptance whisperer" and I have definitely come to realize through these past 5 yrs that self acceptance is a must if we want to lose weight and keep it off. 

Anyway, I'm all for putting people and things in your life that will help push you forward.  I really do believe the people you surround yourself with is really important. 

Well I better get back to work.  We head to Kentucky on Wednesday morning and I have work to get done :) Hope everyone has a good turkey day and doesn't eat themselves into a coma.  I have a plan so I know I will do ok.  Going to love my walks every morning there too :)

Till next time...

Looking Back and a Family Walk

This weekend was suppose to be about getting the house in tip top shape for Kevin's visit this Friday.  Of course my family is good at procrastinating so it didn't quite go as I had hoped.  But I did get a project done I have been meaning to do for a long time.  I moved the cabinet in Nick's room to our room so Mike and I could each have our own cabinets.  We had been sharing a cabinet but in the past year or so Mike has went t-shirt happy since he got into a 2X and could buy t-shirts off the rack. 

So yesterday I spent the day going through an old dresser in my room.  I had some clothing in there from my big days. I thought I had gotten rid of everything but there were a few sexys left in that particular dresser lol.  I can remember wearing those things and actually thinking I looked pretty good for Mike :) It made me think of Meegan's post about how we need to feel good in the "now" and I can say through my big days I had days of feeling good in the now.  So I ended up tucking away a pair of those size 4X green and black lace panties just as a memory :) Then there was plenty of old Mike clothes in that dresser too.  At one point we were buying him 5X shirts and 60" pants, to think he's in a 2X and 46" pants I'm sure makes him feel really good.  Sometimes you really do have to look back and be grateful for the progress made and realize just how far you have come. 

Saturday I wanted to take a walk.  So I got Mike and Marie to go with me.  There was a little bribery that took place with Marie (new pair of headphones) but it was well worth it as we really had a good time.  Her and I even had a little friendly competition and did about a 1/4 mile run.  She actually beat me as I was waiting for her to tire out quickly as she usually did but she surprised me this time and just kept on going at a steady speed.  Shows me they are working her at basketball with all those laps I've seen her running :)

I tried to get everyone out on Sunday too but no one wanted to go so that's how I ended up switching furniture around and organizing clothes.  It all turned out fine and I'm liking having my own cabinet for sure and I know Mike is too.  I probably still need to go through some of my clothes though and get rid of some stuff that I don't wear anymore.  I've gotten rid of all my bigger stuff but still have just "old" clothes that are kind of worn out that I don't have the heart to part with. 

In my organizing I came across 2 photo albums when Nick was born.  It was funny to see myself then and also my sister who was with me that day.  That was like 5 yrs before I took Kevin and it kind of made me sad to think about that we use to be pretty close.  Sometimes I miss the closeness with my sisters and the holidays we use to spend together.  I don't see the fences mended quickly but maybe at some point they can be mended a little. 

My exchange program is going pretty well.  I'm falling into the routine of it and it's getting easier.  The scale is drifting down again so that's a good sign.  I'm going to stick with it I think through the end of the year and see how it goes.  In my regular food plan I am usually higher on the fruit and protein but other than that I'd say it's not much different.  I definitely have noticed I don't get in as many veggies as I should so this will help with that.  I'm hoping the rest of my TOPS members are doing well this week too.  Guess I'll find out on Wednesday.

Last night after work I headed to Walmart for a shoe rack for the closet door.  The shoes had taken over our livingroom lol. I don't know how a family can have so many shoes but I did a good job last night hiding away a bunch of the in the closet :) I also bought a new rack for the livingroom so hopefully now our shoes won't look like a used shoe store.  I also had to buy a new vacuum cleaner ours was at the end of the road.  It definitely feels like a good spring cleaning is happening.  Always feels nice to get the house in order.  Mike got the livingroom carpet cleaned too.  

I am feeling a little nervous about having so many people over.  Now another 2 of Kevin's friends will be coming for dinner too so there will be 10 of us.  Will be good to see him but I won't really get much time in with him and the new lady really with so many other people too.  But I'm sure we'll have a nice evening.

Well off to work...

TOPS Exchange Program and Being a Leader

Wednesday was TOPS and I am now back in the leader role as our leader's mom has had some health problems and so he's stepped down for awhile.  Back earlier in the year I thought I would like not being leader so I stepped down to co-leader.  In the beginning I didn't mind not being leader and it seemed like a relief.  But as the months went by I soon realized just how many meetings I had missed this year.  I think I would have had to miss more than usual but I think there were some that I "chose" to miss just not wanting to go in and face the scale and not feeling like something was making me go. 

With all the emotional stuff I've went through this year facing that scale was important.  So as the months went by and my weight crept up it was an eye opener to me just how much I needed TOPS and my chapter members.  But it also made me realize that though so often I fly by the seat of my pants in the leader role I enjoyed trying to motivate and inspire my chapter members. 

Some might think TOPS is just a crutch but I've always been in the mind that if something helps you then why not do it.  I'm always for something that brings accountability and also the motivation and support when you don't feel quite strong enough to dish it out to yourself. 

This week I started a challenge with my chapter.  It's something that will benefit me but also with all of us working on the same thing it will hopefully bring some new motivation to my chapter members as well.  Do you all remember the old "deal a meal" program by Richard Simmons?  It's very similar in that, you use exchange cards.  TOPS exchange program is based on the diabetic pyramid so it's about getting in all the food groups in certain quantities. 

When I was pregnant with Marie I had gestational diabetes so I used the diabetic pyramid and exchanges to keep my diabetes under control.  So other than that 3 months of my life I can't say I've ever really paid all that much attention to having a certain amount of anything other than more protein and less carbs.  I did learn a lot of lessons during that time though about combining protein and carbs at each meal as the processing of that in your body showed a huge difference in my blood sugar numbers.  I lose my weight through mostly calorie counting and though I did focus on whole foods I wasn't strict with myself about food groups.

My first day yesterday was really showing me some areas I could improve in with nutrition.  It's also gotten me back to smaller mini meals which I had found in the past month or so I had strayed from.  I even ended up with a few cards left over in my 1500 calories yesterday.  I'm sure as the days go by though I will get more use to this food plan and adjust but it just makes me realize that changing things up is a good thing sometimes.

Last night I went to the dentist, can't say I enjoyed getting my teeth clean but at least no cavities or other teeth issues.  After that I stopped at the grocery and got some things for the week.  Then came home and did some cooking.  I really enjoy cooking now it's so relaxing to me to be in the kitchen, chopping, peeling, preparing different foods.
Only a week till Kevin comes to visit us.  I'm looking forward to meeting the new woman and the little girl.  Then less than a week after that we will be heading to Kentucky for Thanksgiving.  I'm looking forward to my morning walks there and just some peaceful time on the porch.  My goal for my visit there is not to over do the food and to keep my mouth shut when it comes to Mike's brother :) lets hope I can manage both. 
Till next time...

Opening Old Wounds and Sitting With My Emotions

I've been through quite a bit in my 45 yrs.  I can say without a doubt I am at the happiest and healthiest right now in my life.  Yet I still struggle in many areas of my life due to my past.  In the past few weeks I've been opening up old wounds.  Some I had thought I had put in the past but yet as I talk about them again I see that isn't really true.  With all this though I know that nothing from my past can really hurt me now (I've wrote that before).  It's all in my hands how I handle things. 

In the past 6 or so months so many things have happened.  I really think I can say that this has been the most eye opening and tough 6 months of my life in so many ways.  It's made me realize that really over all I've forgiven most of the people that hurt me in my life.  Probably only my father is the exception and honestly even concerning him it's not about not forgiving him but more about not feeling the need to see him again.  Honestly I don't need to see him to have closure. 

I read a post yesterday from a 7 yr maintenance blogger and reading her talk about still struggling with food at this time in her life really opened my eyes to realize that it's ok that I struggle sometimes.  Honestly I doubt I will ever totally fix my disordered eating.  I do believe I can become more aware though of triggers and things in my life that help or hurt me.  I think that's what I've realized in the past few weeks of talking more about old issues is it's more awareness that I want and to let the fear go.  Just like that blogger could identify the reasons behind her struggle yet still be in it made me realize it's ok. 

I think getting over my fear of regaining is a big thing I need to work on too.  I've been in maintenance now for almost 3 yrs.  I do realize that things going on around me affect me but if I continue to stay with my established habits I've had for the past 5 yrs I will be ok.  I think the 10 lbs I've put on is more due to my fear (anxiety) than anything else.  I am learning that sitting with those emotions is what will benefit me the most.  Realizing that I am ok, that nothing can hurt me but me.  I hold all the cards, all the power.  Of course I've known this but I think having it brought to my attention in a different way has helped me see it clearer.

Having spent most of my life in isolation I was in the mind that reaching out to others was a good thing for me.  I still believe that but I now realize that it's how I reach out.  That I don't need to be in a state of panic and urgency and have the mentality of "reassure me right this minute" that sitting with my feelings is the better thing to do.  I'm finding that something I've used for the past 4+ yrs is a good outlet as well, this blog and writing down my feelings.  I hold all the tools I need within myself and it's kind of funny to me sitting here knowing I've said that to others tons of times.  Yet some how I've not really grasped the notion deep within myself.  That I still doubt my abilities again and again. I've repeated so many times "I can do anything" yet deep within myself I still have doubts I can keep this weight off forever. 

So where do I go from here?  Well I continue to seek freedom from my fears through understanding myself better.  I continue to do the things that brought me to where I am today.  I just continue to believe in myself.  I also need to start making some goals for myself for what will continue to bring me happiness.  Honestly right now I'm not sure what my goals are.  I know over the next few months I will be making my yearly rounds to my local TOPS chapters and I will hopefully make a difference in at least someones life with my words.  I do know helping others through TOPS is something that brings me happiness.

I did make it to the gym last night and I decided that maybe I want to get back to my night time workouts.  I miss the familiar faces, I miss my old routines.  I feel as I continue to dig deep within myself for answers I also need to put back in place routines that do bring me comfort.  I'm not saying I won't try to make some morning classes but I will also allow myself to fall back into a routine that worked for me if I feel the need. 

Thanks for the comments about my brother-in-law I think if I just keep in mind how I would like to be treated if the tables were turned I think it will be ok.  Plus my plan is to let Mike take the lead since it is his brother.  I don't seem them having any kind of physical confrontation and usually his brother only comes for the day so if someone were to leave I'm guessing it would be him.  But I'm hoping it won't have to come to that.  I'm hopeful his brother will do the right thing.  

Till next time...