In ny with nothing to do only have itouch and can't figure out how to post lol

If anyone is here in ny for the dr oz show I'm in the lobby of the Hilton lol would love to hang out

Full Circle Moment

I know I've been pretty quiet over the past week or so. I have had a lot going on with all the snow, kid appts, etc. Plus I just didn't know what to talk about on here. I feel like I've been so blessed with things in my life. Sure I don't have the house of my dreams and I have kid drama sometimes and my job isn't always perfect but I feel like good people are always coming into my life that help me.

I know some of you have read through my blog and know the story I'm going to tell but then I know some haven't. 2 1/2 yrs ago when I started this journey I weighed in at 344 lbs. That was down from my all time high of 378 lbs. I was borderline diabetic and just about everything was a struggle for me.

I had a group of ladies online that I had met through ediets that I posted with frequently. They were going to do another challenge like they did every now and then. I remember talking about being unwilling to start another "diet" yet again. Then the next day I decided I was willing and on July 12th 2007 I started to eat healthier.

Not but a day or two after that I was watching my taped Oprah and in one of the commercials I saw a thing for a seminar by Dr. Oz, the doctor who she had on sometimes. He was going to be in DC so I decided to look it up online and ended up buying a ticket for it. It was 9am-5pm on July 28th 2007. I was so excited about going. I left extra early that day but ended up lost and driving around in circles. Thankfully I finally found the place though and got there just minutes before it started.

There was Dr. Oz, his wife, Dr. Roizen and Joel Harper (a trainer to the stars). They were talking about obesity in America and they were traveling around the country to major cities with their seminar to try to spread the word about what could be done to help with the epidemic. That day I got to put on the purple rubber gloves he's famous for and handle all the fatty organs and Cancerous organs and even a big old gallstone that would end up being smaller than mine.

What I took away from going to the seminar was that just 30 mins of exercise a day could change my life. They talked about walking and having a pedometer and so many other things. The next day is when I started walking everyday. I would just go out my door walk 15 mins down the road and walk back. I did this 7 days a week and the weight started coming off.

The day of the seminar Joel Harper was also selling his DVD for body strength training. I ended up buying his DVD that day. He also gave everyone his email address and about a week later I decided to email him to ask how a 344 lb woman could manage his DVD. I really didn't think he would email me back but he did. He told me to just keep trying and do what I could and that it would get easier. We started emailing about once a week. He talked a lot about just being consistent and believing in myself.

A few weeks after that I joined TOPS and that gave me even more accountability. It just seemed that things kept coming into my life to help me keep moving forward.

Well a week or so ago just days after I reached my goal of 178 lbs I got an email from TOPS that the Dr. Oz Show was looking for people that had lost 100+ lbs. I couldn't believe it. It felt like fate to me. So I sent off my story and before and after picture and in a few days I got a call from the Dr. Oz Show. They were looking for a 100 people that had lost 100+ lbs for their 100th episode. I told her about going to the Dr. Oz seminar and that Joel and I still emailed and how motivating he had been to me.

Well they called me back yesterday to confirm that I could come to the show. So I take a train to NY on Tuesday and the taping of the show is Wednesday. I have no idea if I will just be in the audience or if I will actually get to speak. I haven't heard back from Joel but I'm really hoping I will get to see him and thank him while I'm there.

This really will be a full circle moment for me. I thought about mentioning it the other day but I kept thinking if I tell to soon it won't happen lol. Not sure why my mind works that way. It just seems sometimes things are going to well and so you think something bad has to happen. I sure hope that won't be the case. I know until I'm actually in NY and at the show I won't believe it's true.

I must admit I'm a nervous wreck over it all but also super excited. I sure hope I can hold it all together. I will definitely let you all know when it's going to air when I find out myself. Right now I'm totally in the dark.

Tomorrow I plan on heading out to go shopping for an outfit to wear. Everyone keeps telling me to wear pants lol so I guess I probably will. I am so critical of myself with clothes so I'm taking Mike with me to help me pick something that looks nice.

We got lots of snow yesterday and today about another foot or more. Kevin dug us out today and Mike and him are off to the store.

Well till tomorrow...

Missing almost a week

I can't hardly believe I've been missing almost a week. I have been trying to catch up with everyone since Monday but I haven't had a chance to post myself. With the snow we got hit with over the weekend the kids were off on Monday. Yesterday and today school was delayed 2 hours which means I haven't been at my desk here at work much. I've had kid things going on during the day too so it feels like I haven't worked but a few hours a day since I got back this week.

My weekend with the other area captains and J was great. We did a lot of laughing. J and I actually headed up the road Friday night so we would miss the snow. We got about 15 inches here where we live but up in Annapolis they only got about 6 so the other 4 area captains made it in to the hotel ok on Saturday morning. All of them spent Saturday night but one. Our meeting about the convention was LONG, ran from about 10am-8pm on Saturday. I can't believe how much work the other ladies put into it all. It puts me to shame. I'm the co-chairperson this year too, ekkk.

Sunday J and I went shopping to look for my white dress for the convention but we couldn't find anything. So I need to work on finding something in the next month or so. Guess I'll look online and see what I can find.

Evidently I'm not suppose to be telling anyone I'm going to be queen lol so shhhhhh about it all ok? I don't want to find myself in trouble for letting it out of the bag early. I don't think telling my family is a big thing but broadcasting it on the internet could get me in trouble. So from here on I'll just try to be quiet about it all lol.

I think the area captains have something up their sleeves for the convention. I think it will be related to a blue poop palace and thrown lol. They loved my bathroom stories back in October and so I think they want to make it a little more real lol. I keep hoping they won't but I don't think there's much hope of hiding from them lol. I'm sure everyone else will get a big kick out of it and I'll be a good sport and play along *smile*.

I have some other news brewing but not sure whats going on with it yet so going to keep it under wraps lol. I know mystery mystery. If it happens it will be what I consider a full circle moment.

On Sunday when I got back from my weekend I took my new laptop back and picked out another one. It's terrible to say but I don't like it much either. But I guess I'll learn to live with it. Hopefully it's just me and I'll figure it out. I don't like the touch pad, on the last one it was the buttons. I'm really not hard to please I swear lol.

I went to the gym on Sunday and hurt my belly with the dead lifts so I've had to take off from the gym to try to heal up. I've decided I just can't heavy lift and I will have to start modifying things for myself. I really wanted to at least finish the intermediate section in the book but I'm not sure. I plan on going to the gym tomorrow and hopefully will be all mended.

Tonight is TOPS and I don't even have my program planned yet. I might just have it be an open discussion meeting. I think the scale is going to be kinder to me this week. I'm hoping I've dropped those gained pounds from last week. Since I'm actually working on maintenance now I'm not to worried about it as long as I stay within my range. I would like to be in the lower end of my range but I'll take what I can get right now.

Last night Marie and I made a marshmallow mess lol. Last year we called it a castle but this year it was definitely a mess lol. She had to have 100 items and build something with it so she picked marshmallows again. Last year I made homemade icing this year I was lazy and it didn't pay off lol. It ended up with Kevin building a wooden box for the creation at 11pm last night so it wouldn't fall apart all over the place. It looked like a pile of marshmallows we had globbed chocolate icing all over and squirted colored icing on top with tons of sprinkles lol. We did have a lot of fun doing it though for sure and I only licked my fingers a few times lol.

Nicholas had therapy yesterday too. There is a big old hill in front of her office. We forgot to bring something to slide on but we located a cardboard box and Marie and him had a ball going down the big hill. They mostly ended up just rolling down the hill. They were a cold wet mess but smiling from ear to ear. I wish I had brought something to slide on and better shoes I was really wanting to slide down that hill myself lol. Hopefully next time we'll be better prepared even if it's just trashcan lids and construction trash bags lol.

Well I guess I better actually try to do some work.

Till next time...

Busy work day

It's been a busy few days at work. Didn't want you guys worrying about my mom though so thought I better come post a short one. Evidently she forgot to inform me that those blood pressure numbers were from LAST visit, this past visit her numbers were 120/74 so in the normal range. She's still got fluid on her legs though so I'm hoping she'll be getting in to see the doctor today or tomorrow. I'm hoping she'll start taking better care of herself soon.

Weigh-in last night was stinky, I don't even want to talk about it. But the meeting was good and I was told I am TOPS Maryland queen *smile*. So really it was a GOOD day yesterday. I know the weight I gained will come back off soon enough.

Tonight Marie has swim lessons and then I'll be heading to the gym. It's dead lift and step-ups night, ekkk. My belly's feeling a bit tight today so I'm going to probably take it easier.

Saturday I head to Annapolis with J for our pre-annual convention meeting with the other area captains. It will be a LONG day but I do enjoy seeing the other ladies and hanging out. J joked with me saying this year's convention should be renamed to the "Dawn show" lol.

I need to go shopping now for some outfits and a white gown lol. I think I'm actually going to go somewhere other than Wal-mart lol. I'm feeling a little like Cinderella going to the ball.

Till tomorrow...

My mom

I had started a post yesterday about my mother. It was filled with complaints about her it seemed. Then my oldest sister called today and all those aggravations at her were replaced with worry. My sister never calls me so I knew it had to be serious. My mom's blood pressure had been up way high like 200 over 103, we are talking stroke numbers. She had been at the doctors when she got that reading though so I felt like she was being taken care of.

He had put her on a new med and taken her off another. She said her legs had also been swelled. I really hadn't given that too much thought. But my sister was very concerned over it and then I thought about when my favorite aunt's (my mom's sister) kidney's had started to fail and how she swelled up. So I called my mom and got her to make a new appt for the doctor. But I'm feeling like she maybe needs to go over to the hospital. She doesn't seem to be feeling bad though so I would think if she was really ill she would have more signs and feel bad.

Anyway, then one of her close friends called me tonight. I didn't get to talk to her and when I tried to call her back I couldn't reach her. But she's only called me once before when my mom was rushed to the hospital with sepsis a few years when she was going through chemo. So now I feel worried about that too.

I did call my mom again tonight and she seemed ok. I told her if her swelling gets worse or she starts feeling bad for her to go to the hospital. She said she would. I hope she will be ok till she gets to the doctors.

As for me, I've had high anxiety today. I just can't seem to get a grip over myself. I'm not eating as much at least but I hate feeling this way. I'm sure it's related to my mom.

After Marie's swim lessons I came home fixed everyone some dinner then headed to the gym. I really needed to work off my feelings. My workout was a good one:

10 mins treadmill 3.0 incline/3-3.3 mph

lat pulldown 85 lbs 1 set 10 reps, 1 set 8 reps at 90 lbs
pull ups 85 lbs assisted 2 sets 6 reps
chin ups 100 lbs assisted 12 reps
lat pulldown 70 lbs 15 reps

barbell bent over rows 70 lbs 2 sets 8 reps, 2 sets 6 reps
barbell bent over rows reverse grip 60 lbs 12 reps
barbell bent over rows wide grip 60 lbs 15 reps

preacher curls 50 lbs 2 sets 8 reps, 45 lbs 12 reps

thin tummy 10 reps
situps 10 lb weight on chest 10 reps
v-sit 5 sec hold 10 reps
side raises 15 reps each side
boy pushups 5 reps (I had been doing girl pushups but thought I would give the big boy ones a try lol) My 5 reps weren't to low but I did do them. I will continue to work on them.

30 mins treadmill 8-12 incline/3.0-3.3 mph/did some jogging too
25 mins recumbent bike speed training hills/level 8-10

When I got home I made some pumpkin/raisin/nut protein bars and got a shower. Why I'm still sitting here at 12:15am I'm not sure.

I'm hoping tomorrow I'll feel less anxious but with it being weigh-in day I'm doubting it. I've averaged about 2100 calories a day this week but I've also gotten in about 8 hours of exercise when I usually only average about 6. So we will see. I'm hoping I can maintain. I have a good meeting planned so I'm hoping I will get a lot out of that.

I got in a nice walk yesterday the weather here was in the low 60's. It almost felt like fall weather to me. It was back to being cold tonight though.

Well I guess I better get to bed.

Till tomorrow...

Getting back some mental peace

Sometimes I think subconsciously I just want to punish myself. I don't even know for what. I don't think I'm a bad person or anything. But for the past several days I've been eating like I want to gain my weight back. What the heck is my deal? Funny thing is I'm still exercising and still choosing foods that aren't bad for me. Yet, I'm eating just to eat. I packed in 2400-2800 calories the past 3 days. I know nothing so terrible but it still made me feel worried and un-shore of myself.

Yesterday though I still went to the gym and put in over 2 hours. Yet then I came home and just couldn't stop eating. Thankfully today I think I've broken the cycle and I'm finally back to not being so focused on food. This morning I got up and took a walk down my favorite road. I hadn't done that since like early November. I think it was just what I needed. I ended up walking part of the way with one of the ladies that lives on the road that has often talked to me. It was nice having the company.

After my walk I showered and then went to the grocery store. It was nice just getting out alone. I bought lots of fruits and veggies and I came home and made yummy chicken/onion pizza for everyone. I have come to prefer my creations to store bought stuff even when I'm not feeling that motivated to cook. For one thing, I can eat more of what I cook myself compared to the high calorie processed stuff.

It's been a pretty relaxing day overall. I'm glad I'm feeling calmer inside. I think part of it is that things are getting taken care of. The cottage is rented and Mike and Kevin are making progress on the bathroom. They actually have all the sheet rock up but one wall. Kevin has off school tomorrow and Mike is taking off work so hopefully when I come home tomorrow it will be closer. They have a vent thing to do in the attic and then they will still have to do the ceiling sheet rock and to do the fan and lights and of course all the taping and mudding. So still quite a bit left to do but it's looking more like a room than a construction site now.

The guy that does tile is coming on Tuesday. Mike and I went out on Friday and decided on the tile and design we want for around the shower. I never thought that stuff could be so complicated. But I think it's going to look terrific once it's up. My plan is to draw it all up on CAD for the tile guy so there won't be any mistakes made. I can't wait to see it all come together. I'm thinking we can have the bathroom complete in a few weeks if everything continues to go as planned.

On Friday we also went to Best Buy and looked at laptops. Mike's totally quit working a few weeks ago. I had told him once we had a renter he could get a new one. Mine still isn't working right either. The power jack is just broke and even though I took it to have it fixed they didn't fix it so the power is always flicking on and off and the battery goes dead. So we ended up buying 2 laptops since they were on sale and they had the 18 months same as cash thing going on. But I'm having buyers remorse and I haven't even taken mine out of the box. I just feel like we don't need to spend the money on 2 if I can keep muddling through with my old one. I tried to look at it as a reaching goal present for myself but it's just not feeling that way. So I'm not sure yet but I'll probably take it back.

Well I better get some dinner cooked for the family. It feels good to have some mental peace back.

Oh, I've decided I'm just going to start posting my workouts here instead of trying to keep my other blog updated. I just seem to have the "out of sight out of mind" thing going on with it. So here is my workout from Saturday:

10 mins treadmill 3.0 incline/3.2 mph

bench press 55 lbs 10 reps, 60 lbs 8 reps, 70 lbs 6 reps, 75 lbs 6 reps
bench press wide grip 65 lbs 12 reps
bench press, wide grip, feet on bench 55 lbs 15 reps

barbell seated shoulder press 30 lbs 8 reps, 30 lbs 3 sets of 6 reps
barebell seated shoulder press, to front 30 lbs 12 reps
barebell seated shoulder press, wide grip 20 lbs 15 reps

ez bar lying triceps extension, reverse grip 20 lbs 2 sets 8 reps, 1 set 10 reps

Roman chair holding 25 lb plate to chest 2 sets 10 reps
Thin Tummy, cycle out 1 leg 10 reps
sit ups 10 lb plate on chest 10 reps
russian twist, 6 lb medicine ball 10 reps
lateral leg lowering 10 reps
girl pushups 5 reps

30 mins treadmill 6-12 incline, 3.2 mph/jogging 4.5 mph no incline
20 mins recumbent bike speed training hills 10-12 level

Till tomorrow...

Goal and beyond

You would have thought on Wednesday I would have been jumping up and down, shouting from the roof tops, telling everyone I know that I had reached my goal and lost 200 lbs. But in reality it felt like just a semi ok day to me. WHY? I kept asking myself that question. To think at one point in my life I weighed 378 lbs and now I weigh 177.8. I should be happy, right?

Well after 2 days of wanting to eat the house (and trying) and feeling blah I've realized all my emotions are because I'm scared as hell of "what now?" and of gaining the weight back.

Diana put out a great post yesterday talking about the thing you see everywhere that 95% of people that lose weight gain it back yet she couldn't find a bit of evidence that it was true. I know when I look around blog world I sure don't see 95% of the people gaining their weight back. I see 100% working their butts off to get the weight off and keep it off. So I'm agreeing with her that I think that number is a bunch of hooey.



I think another reason for all my emotions is I still feel like I have work to do. Like I can still lose some more weight. Yet, I'll admit that I'm tired of losing weight. I do need a break from thinking about it. Will I take one? Probably not because I still have TOPS weekly plus I know there's no breaks in forever.

Being honest with myself, I never dreamed I'd get where I am today. Still sometimes I wonder how I managed it. It seemed to take FOREVER though, 920 days to be exact. It was a twisty winding road for me with lots of ups and downs. But something in me kept pushing me forward.

I am asking myself "now what?" though. I keep asking myself that. Do I continue down the scale, do I maintain? I think for now I'm going to just continue going along doing what I've done the past 920 days because that's what I know how to do. I'm sure as I continue to go along I will sort out the "now what".

I told myself I needed to make goals for myself. I sat down and I typed them out a few weeks ago:

1. Maintain my weight loss and healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life.

2. Fit into size 12 jeans comfortable by end of 2010.

3. Stay within 5 lbs of my goal weight.

4. Help those close to me choose healthier habits by leading by example and being a reliable source of health and information.

5. Walk/run a 5k in 2010.

6. Promote TOPS in my area more.

Those are all reasonable, doable goals, things I can and will work towards. Yesterday I wrote this post and after that sentence I questioned where my passion, my excitement and my motivation had gone. But really I still have all those things I was just having a few days of weakness and feeling blah. I know we all go through that. But today I'm pulling myself up and out of that and moving forward again. There is no end to "forward" in our lives we will always be moving in the direction of tomorrow. So I'm going to live the best today I can.

I also thought a lot about, should I be praised for losing 200 lbs? I guess deep down I don't think so. I feel like I should have never let myself get that big to start with. Do I want to celebrate my 200 lbs gone? Darn right I do. Do I enjoy those pats on the back? Of course. I appreciate each comment people make here. Some make me smile, some make me think, all make me wish I knew you all in person and could hang out with you *smile*. I need you all and I'm thankful for you all.


I also know I'm thankful that I can move my body easier. I'm thankful that I will probably live a longer healthier life now. I can do anything I put my mind too. I guess it's time to figure out what that is now. It's time to just be a regular person in the crowd dealing with the day to day stuff of life while I continue to stay healthy.


I'm glad I can still kick myself in the ass sometimes because I sure need to some days lol.

Till tomorrow...

Feeling my feelings

I'm really working on feeling my feelings, the problem is they give me anxiety. I had therapy today, I did pretty good staying focused on talking about me. The therapist used the word "manage" several times in reference to how I handle things in my life. We talked about how I "manage" things and how sometimes that drives me to run off to the gym or sometimes to want to eat something.

We talked about how I'm still the same person I've always been, I do know that deep down. I guess a part of me always strives to be "different" than the "old Dawn". But really I am who I am and that won't ever change. So how I "manage" myself doesn't really change. Sure now instead of pints of haagen dazs I might eat 3 clementines but I still sometimes have that "manic" about me where I'm feeling the anxiety and I'm wanting to stuff it back down. I sometimes find myself standing over the trash can frantically peeling a clementine and stuffing it in my mouth within seconds to grab another and another until the calmer feelings come over me. It's the same thing with running off to the gym. To hop on the treadmill or lift weights to stuff the anxiety back down.

I brought up that last time he had said he would like to see me able to control that anxiety just through thought but today he assured me that won't always be how things are. That I will still be drawn to my other ways of dealing with it. But like he said I have learned to "manage" myself because now instead of pints of haagen dazs I'm doing things that aren't destructive.

I read a lot of blogs and with some I see my same patterns with things. I see others with that internal anxiety going on but then others don't seem to have it. Some seem so calm inside and in their life. I wish for that often. But again I am who I am and that won't change.

I came back from therapy feeling terrible anxiety yet I don't know why. What the heck was I feeling. The feelings drove me to eat everything I had brought in my lunch box and then to the candy bowl for 3 mini reeses. I can't even tell you the last time I had 3 candies in a day or even 3 in a week. It was almost like I was trying to prove to myself that I was the "old Dawn".

I seem to always come back to the word "normal", I want to be normal. What does that even mean though? I have no idea since I've never even met anyone "normal" lol. So bottom line I need to get a grip and deal with myself and whatever way I go about that as long as it's not a destructive way I'll be just fine.

Well enough of that anyway.

I did call my girlfriend yesterday. I feel like lately she's going through so much I don't really get to talk about my stuff. I know she's just having a hard time of it lately and needs to talk. I told her I wanted to have a girl's night soon so we could just have one on one time. We haven't done that since we were teenagers and I think we could both benefit from it. So I'm hoping that will happen in a few weeks.

Tonight was TOPS, at weigh-in I was 177.8 which is a lose of 0.6 lbs and below my GOAL of 178 that I've been striving to reach all this time. I was very happy to see that number. I'm now in the 200 lose club which I really never dreamed I'd reach.

Now it's about moving into "forever" whatever that means lol. One thing I do know is I will go to TOPS forever because I know I will always need the accountability. I just hope I won't always let the scale get to me like I do now sometimes.

We had a really good meeting tonight, Mike said he thought it was my best yet. It was on eating enough calories, keeping your lean muscle mass, exercising, losing slowly, fixing your mind, not being on a "diet", really just about everything you could think of. Everyone showed up tonight too which was great to see. Some of the women were talking about calling old members and trying to get them to come back. The thought of even more people though is a bit daunting. I'm already feeling pretty overwhelmed with the amount of people we have now. But I know this really is how I can help people.

After the meeting Mike and I went out to dinner with my two co-workers. We've been doing that more often with them and we really enjoy their company. They are in their 60's but really they seem like our age. My one co-worker is just always up beat and trying to look on the bright side of everything. I feel like that's how I try to be most of the time too but he's even more sunny than me lol. It's just nice having another couple to do things with.

I started this email earlier today but it wouldn't post. I'm glad it didn't because I was struggling with the candy bowl then. Thankfully I didn't eat anymore than the 3 pieces but a part of me wanted to eat the whole bowl today. I haven't had that feeling in a VERY long time. Hopefully I won't again for a very long time.

Our new renter came by after I got home and brought the deposit and first months rent. They will come back tomorrow and sign the lease and then move in on the 1st. I'll be so glad when they are all settled in. I'm crossing my fingers I made a good choice.

Tomorrow is Marie's swim lessons and then I plan on going to the gym. It feels weird missing 2 days in a row but my body really did need a break. With lifting heavier weights I'm definitely feeling each workout longer. I can definitely use a good workout though with my level of anxiety today. Even after I got home tonight I was still feeling some anxiety. I think most of it is related to making progress in therapy. It seems when I think about my issues it stirs me up inside.

Till tomorrow...

Home Today

I'm home today, woke up feeling exhausted and with my stomach upset. Marie was throwing up last night so I'm guessing I caught whatever she had. She did feel better this morning though and went to school so I have the house to myself. It always feels so good to be home alone since it's so infrequent.

I wanted to apologize to Lainey for not acknowledging that she had also given me the most beautiful blogger award. Like I said I'm not good at the award thing but I'll try to be better.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Work went pretty quickly and after I got home I made dinner (baked catfish, baked potatoes and green beans) and some banana protein bars which turned out extra yummy.

I bribed Kevin to do the dishes for me since it was my night and I headed off to the gym. I was just so exhausted though I couldn't get through my long workout so I only did the weight training and a little cardio. I really should have just waited till today to go but I was still feeling antsy inside and felt like I needed to work it off so I wouldn't graze which is what I had done Sunday even after going to the gym.

I don't know what my deal is lately but I wish I could get over it. I'm guessing some of it is not having all the paperwork signed and money in hand for the cottage but also about being so close to my original goal. I'm starting to have some fear over "forever" starting. A part of me feels like I should continue on and lose some more weight. I know I can do that easily enough. Really I know I can do it anyway I want to.

Maybe I'm just tired of it all and thinking about it. I really feel like I'm in the "typical" range now. I look around myself and see people smaller than me and people bigger than me and people the same as me. I'm just "regular" now. I always thought I wanted to be invisible but you know the more I think about it maybe being so large was also a way of getting attention. Maybe it goes back to being so neglected as a child. Maybe deep down I've always just wanted attention even if it was negative. Wow what a aha moment that is if it's really how I feel. I'm not sure it is though since I really did think I wanted to hide when I was big. Yet I do always remember wanting people to want to know me for who I was inside.

So many thoughts today going through my head. I'm sure part of it is that I have therapy tomorrow and I'm wanting to really talk about ME. I feel like half the time I just end up talking about the kids or Mike or my family, etc. But I know I need to continue dealing with my inner demons too. It keeps going through my head too about what he said last time I was there about wanting me to learn to deal with my inner anxiety/feelings by just feeling them and not running off to the gym to stuff them like I use to do with food.

I think about all the people walking around that have so many issues yet we don't see them, they aren't like I was and wore a fat suit to shout out "I'm a train wreck inside" they just live their lives and go about their business. Well now I'm one of those people and I must admit it feels weird, to just be one of the crowd. Maybe I've always wanted to be different.

Man I need some real life friends lol. Maybe today would be a good time to give my girlfriend a call. I think I could use a good talk.

Till tomorrow...

My Beautiful Blogger Award

As you all know I don't usually do awards. I love reading about others though and I really do appreciate when someone thinks of me for one. But as the new year is here I'm going to try to do things differently.

So thanks to Hollie, Diana and Suzi for the Beautiful Blogger Award.

So I need to tell you 7 things about myself. This isn't always the easiest thing because I'd like it to be stuff people don't know but then I always feel like I've told you most everything here. Anyway here it goes:

1. I never went to high school. I tried for a few weeks but it just didn't work out. It was because I felt so self conscious about my weight. I had struggled with going to school since 7th grade. Thankfully I turned myself around and eventually got a college education by age 30. I definitely took the long road.

2. I use to have a thing for numbers and could remember great amounts of them. Seemed when I had children I lose my mind lol.

3. I love goofy yahoo games (and now itouch apps) I can end up playing them for hours if I'm not careful.

4. When I was born my legs were crippled. My mom said my shin bones were backwards. I wore braces on my legs till I was 2 so didn't walk till then. I don't seem to have any lasting effects from that thankfully.

5. I have a fear of bridges. Whenever I have to drive across one anxiety wells up inside me. Nothing too major but it's just a weird feeling that comes over me.

6. My ex husband was a hoarder and what I realized was that living in the constant mess was the most depressing time of my life. I think our surroundings reflect BIG TIME on how we feel inside. I also learned that you don't need 400 pairs of gloves or 500 rolls of toilet paper to feel ok lol.

7. I would like to ski some day but hate the thought of falling down lol.

Now I'm suppose to pass this on to 7 bloggers. But I read a lot of blogs and love them all so this was too hard of a choice. So with that being said I am going to bow out of this part and just say that anyone that knows I read them please feel free to tell us 7 things about yourself because I would love to hear them. Thanks again for the award ladies it was fun participating.

As for my Sunday, it was a good day but weird. I woke up feeling very "antsy" not really anxiety but similar. I just felt like I wanted to do something. I ended up going next door to my neighbors since I haven't been to visit with her in ages. We ended up hanging out for several hours. She also ended up making a batch of my protein bars after I brought her one. She also picked my brain about making a food plan for her husband. She even had me bring my scale over so she could weigh out servings of meat lol. It was fun though and I enjoyed talking with her and her husband. I don't know why I don't go over there more often. Maybe her husband will join TOPS too who knows.

After I got back home I was still feeling antsy. I had hoped to take a walk first thing in the morning but it rained all day. So at 6:30 I ended up heading to the gym. I put in an hour of cardio between the treadmill and bike, it felt good. I came home, took a nice hot bath and just felt so much calmer.

I wish I was home with the kids today. I did end up sleeping in though, I totally forgot to even set my alarm last night. So I didn't get to work today till almost 9:30. The day seems to be going by ok though so I'll be home before I know it.

My arms are sore as heck today. The workout on Saturday was a doozy. I'm thinking though that with time I will be able to lift more. Before my gall bladder surgery (March 31, 09) I was at 75 lbs for bench press well on Saturday I did 70 lbs. I'm not having any tummy issues so maybe I can keep moving higher. My plan is to just keep moving through my book and modify where need be.

On the food front, my calories were low this weekend. I made a big pot of soup yesterday for the week. I still have a few protein bars left so didn't make new ones but will need to tonight or tomorrow. I think I will make the banana ones so Mike can get back to taking some, he won't eat the pumpkin/cranberry ones. Kevin made dinner last night, spaghetti. Tt was good but I just wasn't really in the mood for pasta, probably a good thing.

The scale is showing me about the same as last week. I haven't been getting in enough water so I'm going to work on that over the next few days. I'm hoping to see a lose this week. I need to start thinking about what to talk about at Wednesday's TOPS meeting too. Maybe I will email everyone and see if anyone else would like to do a program for me this week. I should have put that in the contest lol.

So does anyone have an iphone or itouch that has the "Words with Friends" app (it's free)? I would love to play scrabble with any of you that are willing. Would be cool I think. Also, if any of you know similar games you can play with others I'm all ears.

Till tomorrow...

Saturday's almost over

Seems like today went by pretty fast even though I got up pretty early. I ended up going out and getting my eyebrows waxed then went and got my haircut. I must admit I didn't change things up, it's just a bit shorter but the same style. Then I did some shopping at Wal-mart which included some hair dye. I've never dyed my hair but the gray was starting to show more and more so I thought why not. I just bought the kind that lasts about a month or so. Really other than the little gray being gone now my hair looks exactly the same, thankfully the color matched just right.

So on Thursday the young couple came by to look at the cottage and I asked a lot of questions and I actually got decent answers. So they filled out the rental application and on Friday I called them and said they could have the place. So they are due to come by Wednesday and sign the lease and move in on February 1st. I must admit I'm relieved.

Marie had her bowling party today and I decided to just head across the street to the gym for my 2 hour workout. It felt great though it was a tough darn workout. With trying to do heavier lifting by halfway through I'm just beat. But I made it through and got in my hour of cardio afterwards.

I got an award this week from Hollie and Diana. I usually don't do them but I thought it would be kind of nice to try to change that this year. I'm not ready to do it today but I am thinking about 7 things about myself that you all might not know.

Today my food has been really good. I keep thinking maybe the reason my calories are usually lower on the weekend is because for breakfast I usually have egg beaters. I think they stay with me longer than my homemade protein bars. I don't think I'll be giving up my bars during the week though because they are just convenient and I need that.

Today was beautiful here, about 50 and sunny. I'm hoping tomorrow will be the same and maybe I can get in a walk down my favorite road which I haven't done in ages. I'm crossing my fingers though Mike said it's suppose to rain.

Dana asked how Kevin was doing awhile back. He's doing well. I think he really heard what I was saying about being true to the people around him 100% of the time. I had told him just because people don't know you are doing something wrong doesn't make it ok. I had also told him he needs to put himself in someone else's shoes and really think about how he can damage relationships with people through his actions.

Also, that actions speak louder than words so though he's generally always told me the truth his actions sure haven't always been truthful or honorable. He had therapy this week so I'm hoping that was helpful too. It seems he's trying hard to be nice to the new girl. He's a good person I think he's just a teenager that wants to do what he wants to do and doesn't always give thought to others. Maybe that has changed though, we will see with time.

I have therapy on Wednesday, I'm looking forward to it. I don't want to spend my whole session talking about Kevin though. I really need to continue focusing on myself and my own issues.

My sister called Kevin today and asked if he could come visit for her Birthday next month. A part of me feels resentful about it since she hasn't come and visited Kevin in several years. But I will take him and I am sure we will have a nice visit. I'm really working on just accepting her as she is.

Samma is looking better, her eyes have cleared up and she seems a bit more lively. She still needs to be on my lap every night and she continues to drool on me lol. But I'm thankful she's still with me.

Tomorrow I plan on making a big pot of soup and my bars. I don't think I mentioned that I bought a case of organic pumpkin a week or two ago. I couldn't find pumpkin in any store in my area so I just ordered it and I'm glad I did. It's been very enjoyable having pumpkin every week again. It might become a regular thing for me.

When I was at the store the other night I bought size 8-10 workout pants. They are snug looking on me but they fit so I bought 2 pair, they didn't have any 12-14's. I think maybe I need to try on the size 12 jeans I have again to see if they are looser. It seems like the bottom of me is shrinking a little more which is nice.

Boy I'm a yacker lol.

Till tomorrow...

Almost there

It's funny how fast the days pass now, it's already Thursday. It's been a busy week but I'm doing ok. Still no renter but we are getting calls everyday so hopefully soon someone right will come along. Thankfully yesterday I was so busy I didn't let my anxiety get out of hand. The whole no renter thing always makes me a little nuts lol.

Thanks so much for all the sweet comments about my picture I couldn't stop smiling when I read them (especially Diana's *grin*). I must admit I didn't see a tremendous change from my last picture (about 20 lbs ago) but I do still see progress and that's the thing. I think we are definitely our own worst critic. I'm really trying hard to be more self supportive.

Marie started her swim lessons on Tuesday. She doesn't seem able to keep herself swimming she keeps wanting to come up for air instead of turning her head. But she loves the water and I know with time she'll get it. She's made great progress in just the few months she's been taking lessons. They are switching her lessons from 7-7:30 to 6:10-6:40 which I'm happy about because Tuesdays and Thursdays are usually my workout days.


I did make it to the gym on Tuesday. I'm into a new 3 week workout and so it was a bit difficult getting my form correct. I had went through the book though and really tried to remember what I needed to do. I'll look over it again tonight. I had to do pull ups and chin ups (still assisted). I'm not real fond of the handles on the machine for the pull ups they just don't feel comfortable. But I can really see new definition in my arms, back and shoulders from the last 3 week section. I could really feel the new workout everywhere, I'm still achy. Tonight will be another new workout, there is A, B and C that you do once each week for 3 weeks. It's nice switching things up. I'm very happy I bought a book. It's been 15 months now I've been doing it.


Chris was talking about looking back at some of her old posts and how she had changed. So I decided to do the same thing and boy can I see a difference in myself mentally. I think the biggest thing is that I've realized I don't know it all when it comes to weight loss. It seemed when I started this blog since I had already lost 100 lbs I had it in my head that my way was the RIGHT way of doing things. What I've learned though is that we all have OUR RIGHT way of doing things. It's about what works for each of us. We are all different with different bodies.


I've also realized that during our journeys we will all change things up at times. Maybe some will start on lower calories and lose the weight fast with minimum exercise but then move into higher calories and more aggressive exercise. Again it's all about what works best for each of us. I also know I can learn from different people about different things. Maybe I'm not doing things the same but I can still get something from how someone else does something. It really is all about growing and learning more and more. But again it's a personal journey and learning what works for me and my body.


Well TOPS last night was great, it was a full house with only 2 members missing. We have started our new contest and I'm hopeful it will keep everyone motivated over the next 8 weeks. I also took my camera and we took a picture of everyone. I will take another one at the end of the 8 weeks so we can all see the comparison. I'm hopeful everyone will be able to see some good changes in themselves. I took monthly measurements for those that wanted to. I also took my itouch and for those that wanted me to I punched into their info to give them a general calorie range. I could tell everyone was excited.



As for weigh-in, I ended up losing 3 lbs this week putting me at 178.4 lbs. When I came into work this morning and went to my co-worker's whiteboard to put up my new number it was a sweet moment to have just .4 stare back at me. I'm hopeful next week will bring an end to the whiteboard. Of course it will feel bittersweet to me but it's been one heck of a journey and I've been thankful for TOPS and the whiteboard. For me, I need that accountability and always will. I really am striving to be one of those 80-90 yr old KOPS members going strong.


On the home front, we no longer have sheets hanging from the bathroom lol, it is now all enclosed with a door. We still don't have any walls but I'm hopeful the sheet rock will go up this weekend. Progress is being made. I think my talk with mike a few days ago got him in gear. I always feel bad when I have those type talks with him because I really don't want him feeling bad I know he just needed a break. It's been a crazy few months and super busy. But I'm glad he's back at it. He bought me the perfect card the other day too. I know without a doubt he loves me *smile*.


Tonight I have a young couple coming to look at the cottage. I'll ask a lot of questions and maybe I'll get the answers I want to hear lol. Soon soon soon is what I keep telling myself.


I think I'm going to take half a day off tomorrow since the kids only have a half day. They have off on Monday too so I'm sure they are looking forward to their long weekend. Marie has a bowling Birthday party to go to on Saturday so maybe the rest of us will go bowling too. I haven't been bowling in years. Other than that I have no weekend plans other than a gym visit.

I thought I had more to say but I guess not lol.

Till tomorrow...

Wanting a hair cut

It's already Monday, not sure how that happened, seemed to come up quick. Sunday was a pretty nice day. We got up and I suggested breakfast at IHOP. They have a few healthier breakfast choices and it's nice getting out with the family. We had a good time with no fire scare lol.

After that I hung around the house with Nicholas and Marie till Mike and Kevin got back from Lowes. I also called a fellow blogger and had a great chat. I have been meaning to call her for like a month now so it was great finally doing it. I'm sure we will do it again soon.

When Mike and Kevin returned with our bathroom door (did you hear that?) I headed out to the gym. I had been anxious to go since Saturday. I got in a good 2 hours. Then I came home to actually having a door on the bathroom. We still have another doorway to close off but that will be with sheet rock. I'm hopeful they will make more progress this weekend. It feels weird having a door now after the beautiful flowered sheet for so long.

When I was brushing my teeth at the kitchen sink this morning I saw the cup that my co-worker bought me for Christmas. It says "rejoice in what you have" which is SOOOO fitting for me these days. With my yucky feelings about my house/cottage I need to do some rejoicing about all I do have. It really isn't that bad and truthfully we make our home what it is. So with time I will have the home of my dreams even if it doesn't look just like I thought.

I dropped the price on the cottage today on my ads and got a bunch of emails. I have a woman coming tomorrow that sounds promising. I'm going to stay hopeful. I also did a few other things on my list so I'm feeling like things are getting accomplished. I went over to the pool and got Marie signed up for her next set of lessons too so she starts back up tomorrow.

I had Mike take a picture of me when I got home today. Actually I changed my shirt and had him take several pictures, hair up, hair down, etc lol. I wasn't real fond of most of them. But the one below is the one I thought looked the best. I'm wearing my size 8/10 shirt and 12/14 pants. I felt pretty sassy lol.

When I said to Marie that I thought I looked sassy she said "where" and when I showed her she said "I don't see Sassy" I laughed and said I meant I felt sassy not that Sassy (our cat) was in the picture lol.

After dinner tonight Mike and I went to Lowes and got new door knobs, oh, how exciting. Actually I felt like I wanted to stay out longer. We almost went to Walmart too lol.

I've kind of been thinking I want a new hair cut. Mike likes my hair long but it's been so staticy lately that it would be nice to have something a little shorter. I'm almost feeling like I might like to have it curly again like it use to be. With my face thinner I'm sure it would be a new look for me. I'm going to give it some more thought.

My Samma girl is hanging in there. I actually think she looks a bit better today. She's sleeping in my lap as I type this. She's a drooler though ewwwwwwww.

Till tomorrow...

Full of anxiety

I feel like I know why I've had anxiety all day but it really doesn't help knowing. I have so much on my mind these days that my mind and insides seem to be racing. Today was worse I think because I was so hopeful about the guy coming to see the cottage today. I kept thinking he was the one. But I could tell that he had already decided on another place before he even came to see ours.

Such is life I know but not having a renter always stresses me out. I know we will eventually get one but the waiting and showing and talking about it just seems so endless. Tomorrow I will re-list my ad and drop the price. I really don't think it's about the price though but more that it doesn't have a washer and dryer and for the type person we want in there it seems to be a must. With us doing so much work over there this time ($1700+) we just couldn't afford to totally redo the bathroom which is what it would take to fit a stackable in there. So that will have to wait till next time.

I spent several hours today over at the cottage straightening up, sweeping and moping the floors, cleaning off the porches and tending to some of the details. If you can believe it the other day when I went to clean the bathroom sink over there it was leaking water all over the floor. So Kevin and Mike spent today going back and forth to Lowes trying to get the right parts to fix that. It just seems never ending. They also did a few other things that needed done over there. I just want a new renter. I feel like all I've done all day is pray about it. It's clear I'm not really turning it over to God though. I need to work on that.

Then I have so much on my mind about Kevin and him finishing high school in just a few months. We need to figure out all the details for college, where the money will come from, etc. It's a lot to think about and do. I think his best bet would be trying to find a summer job on the naval base here and going to school in the evenings. It will be a super full schedule for him but I also think him making his own money will be good for him. He can start saving for a car of his own, etc. I just hope he can hold it together till then. I talked about all the things he needs to start working on NOW. I feel like he has put it all off way to long and now it's getting to the critical stage. I want him to do the leg work himself.

Then it seems that all progress on the bathroom has stopped. Our cabinets are still at the Amish guys house and we still have no walls. I talked to Mike today and he just has to get his butt in gear. I feel like Kevin is ready and willing to work but Mike wants to just sit around on the weekends again. I know it's a lot of work for them still to do but they have to get to it. We can't have our bathroom like that forever. So I'm hopeful tomorrow they will make some progress.

One sunny moment today came when I came back over from the cottage and sweet little Nicholas had clean the house all by himself. He had actually done a good job too. He really wanted my co-worker to come over tonight and play Xbox with him. So I called but couldn't reach him. Nicholas was bummed but I still let him play some Xbox since he had done so much without being asked. I kept thanking him for all his hard work. It felt good having the house clean without me doing all the work.

Another thing that has me upset lately is that my sweet little Samma girl (my 16 yr old cat) is not doing well. It's clear she's nearing the end. She wants to be with me all the time. She's in my lap right now sleeping while I type this. She's so bone thin, her little eyes are all weepy and she just smells like death. When I lost my dear sweet Tinker (she was 17) 4 yrs ago it broke my heart.

Samma came with Mike 14 yrs ago but she's always been my cat. I will miss her terribly and it's hard for me to see her so frail and weak. I think though she will just quietly go in her sleep. I don't know how long she has left but I plan on loving her as much as I can between now and then.

I should have went to the gym tonight but after working over at the cottage I came home cooked my protein bars and dinner and I decided on a hot bath instead. I will go to the gym tomorrow though because the way I'm feeling I just need it. I am thankful though that today I didn't feel like eating the house. Funny how the blahs makes me want to eat but anxiety doesn't seem to drive me to it like it use to.

I fixed myself a big pot of tea today and have been drinking that which has been comforting to me. I've also been eating clementines like crazy. They really have been a staple for me lately. I will miss them when they are gone. I have Marie and Mike hooked on them too.

I keep sitting here watching Samma breath. Typing that makes me cry. I remember when Tinker got close to the end it was the same way, worried they would just stop breathing in my lap.

I'm sorry this is such a depressing post tonight. I'm hopeful tomorrow will be a better, brighter day.

Till next time...

Less blah today

I'm feeling less blah today. I think going to the gym last night helped a lot. It made me realize I'm not unsure of where I want to be the rest of my life it's more about the blah feelings creeping in and giving me negative thinking. I think I just need more fun in my life. So that's what I'm going to focus on.


Thanks to everyone who commented yesterday. Jack I do think I've changed my relationship with food a lot but there is still work to be done in that area. Lainey, so true that its not some evil alien taking me over lol. You made me laugh when you said that because I can't tell you how many times over the years I felt like it was some evil alien that had taken over my body and forced 2 pints of haagen dazs down my throat lol. Diana, you hit it on the head, it's awareness, it doesn't have to be fear or feeling unsure it just has to be us always being aware of what we are doing. I think this is where we have to really focus on staying out of the blahs (depression).


I did make it through the day ok yesterday. During work I found myself passing the candy bowl on purpose. I kept thinking about taking 2 or 3 or 10 pieces and just sneaking them off to my desk and going to town. But I kept reminding myself it wouldn't help the anxiety or the blahs. I haven't felt like that about the candy bowl in ages, I'm talking well over a year. So I really do think it's about pulling myself up from depression.


After work the kids and I went to the grocery store. I ended up seeing my cousin in the store who I have only seen a few times in the past 15 yrs. For the long time readers you've probably heard me talk about my favorite aunt. She died at age 58 from Cancer but she was already dying from diabetes a slow and terrible death. She had lost most of her vision, her kidneys (was on dialysis 3 times a week) and most use of her legs. My fondest memories as a child were the ones of spending the summer down here in St. Mary's County with my aunt, uncle and cousin so losing my aunt, such an important person in my life when I was 27 was really hard for me.

My cousin was adopted at 3 months old because my aunt couldn't have children. My cousin was just 2 months older than me so that's why I got to spend more time at my aunt's than my sisters did. I loved those summers. One year they took me to Disney World, another to Tennessee and Georgia and many times to Ocean City. We would travel in their big lincoln with their little camper towed behind. Funny that I remember little about my childhood, but I can remember almost ever detail about my summers spent with my aunt, uncle and cousin.

Anyway, it was so good seeing her and getting to catch up. I know we could have talked for hours about all that's happened in our lives and also about the past. But I had Nicholas and Marie with me and after standing outside at the back of the van talking for what seemed a hour Nicholas finally got out of the van and politely said "I'm sorry mom I don't mean to be rude but can we go home now" lol. My cousin and I both laughed and she took my number and we hugged and said good bye.

To think she lives just 15 mins from me yet I have seen her only a handful of times and never in a social setting. So I do hope we will try to get together to make time to catch up even more. I really do miss my family. As much as they drive me nuts I know they are the people that are always going to be in my life. Anyway, it was nice seeing my cousin.

So after we got home the lady that had called the day before about the cottage didn't call or come. I guess I scared her off with all my questions lol. I did get a promising call though from a guy in Texas that will be starting work here on Monday. He comes into town on Saturday and will need to find a place quickly so I'm hopeful again.

I finally headed to the gym about 6:30. Mike was feeling guilty he didn't want to go but I didn't let that stop me. I've told him before his healthy is in his own hands. So I headed out with my protein shake and put in my 2 hours. It felt really good to me. The gym was crowded but I didn't let it bother me. I just went about doing my thing. I've been really slacking with keeping my exercise blog up to date so I think this weekend I will try to catch up on there. I know I could just post what I do at the gym on here but I think that would be kind of boring.


I'll confess this week I've been trying to run again. I don't know what my deal is about that but I feel like I should be able to run. But sadly it's just not happening for me. I can run more than half my 30 mins but my knees suffer for it the next day. So last night I ran a little (about 5 mins) but I went back to just walking with a 10-12 incline instead. Really I burn more calories, work up more of a sweat and can just feel it in my lungs and heart rate better. So I need to just keep reminding myself just because I can't run doesn't mean I'm not getting in a good workout on the treadmill. Maybe when Spring gets here I will try running outside again. It seems my stride is longer and I feel less pain in my knees the next day.

Before I left for the gym I asked Kevin or Mike if they would fix the chicken breast in the fridge. I told them to just throw them in the oven with a little bbq sauce which thankfully they did. So I ate dinner when I got home and then I took a nice long hot bath with jets. Even though we still don't have walls in there I'm thankful for my new bath tub *smile*.

Before I got in the tub Mike headed off to bed. I think he's been feeling kind of depressed lately (probably part of the reason I am). I'm not sure why he's been feeling down maybe because of all the work ahead and the cottage being empty and all that's went on with Kevin, and the list goes on. But I went in and snuggled with him a minute and told him not to fall asleep *wink wink*. So after my bath we had some alone time and I think it helped both of us feel better. I know TMI but I'll confess, for me, sex helps get rid of the blahs BIG TIME lol.

Till tomorrow...

Unsure

Sometimes I just feel unsure of myself. As I typed that I wondered exactly what does that mean. So I looked the word up and low and behold what came up:

diffident: lacking self confidence

uncertain: lacking or indicating lack of confidence or assurance, "uncertain of his convictions"; "unsure of himself and his future"; "moving with uncertain (or unsure) steps"; "an uncertain smile"

Lacking confidence, conviction or determination, uncertain of the facts; unstable or precarious.

That is very much me sometimes. A lot less now than it use to be but still sometimes I have that "unsure about myself" feeling. I do think I still lack self confidence. I don't think I lack determination or I'm uncertain of the facts but sometimes I do feel unstable or precarious. I have fear my crazy brain (as Dana calls it) will take over and lead me down a road of not caring.

For a good portion of my journey I was fear driven. I had fear of going forward but more fear of going back so I kept pushing myself. Now my fear is more about self exceptance and self confidence. It's also about knowing this is for life. It's scares me to death to think I will worry about every piece of food I put in my mouth from this point on. I try to remind myself that before starting this journey I still had fears and still worried myself over silly things. My health definitely isn't silly so really focusing on eating well shouldn't fill me with fear. It should just be like anything else I have to do, something for my list of daily chores. I just wish it didn't have so much emotion tied to it.

You brush your teeth everyday, you shower, you dress you put on your shoes. None of those things bring emotion but food it brings a flood of emotion. It's like music, you hear a certain song and it brings back memories. Thing with music is it can't pack 10 lbs on your hips lol.

I just want to be sure. Sure that I will continue doing what I need to do to keep the weight off. But when you think about it nothing is really sure in life. So it's about having faith. Some of my meeting last night was on having faith, faith in myself. Faith that I can and will do what I need to for the rest of my life.

Man, I'm blah today and I hate being this way. I also feel like I could eat the candy bowl here at work. I did have a piece today but it's my first piece in probably 6 weeks so I'm doing ok. I just don't want another night like last night. Tonight is gym night though so I'm hopeful that will help.

We have another woman coming tonight to look at the cottage. I asked a few questions on the phone though and don't think she's the one for us. I think if we got a renter that would help with how I've been feeling lately. I hate uncertainty not to mention less money lol.

Till tomorrow...

Old habits never die

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. We had the presentation from the owner at work and it was very motivating and made me feel much better about my work situation. Then when I got home we had a guy come look at the cottage and I was hopeful he wanted the place. After that we all went out to dinner. Then we came back and dropped the kids off and headed to the gym. I got in my 2 hours and I was feeling really good.

Today at work was fine. I actually had a great moment when a few of the co-workers and I decided to weigh on a scale one of them had and I weighed in 3 lbs less than one of them and only 4.5 lbs more than the other. It made me realize I really am in the typical range now.

But then I came home and Mike said the guy had called and said he was looking at a few other places. So I was kind of disappointed. We had another person come but she definitely wasn't our cup of tea.

Then we headed to TOPS. Well I was totally bummed when I got on the scale and saw a 1.6 lb gain when just this morning I was down on the scale. I was totally bummed when I felt like other than New Year's Eve I had eaten and exercised this week just as well as I had the past 4 weeks of good loses. I know for me how much stress I have affects the scale and I'm hopeful if I can just hold it together next week will be a good one.

It was a really good meeting. We talked about goals and positive self talk and though there were only 7 of us I felt like I might have helped a few of them. I still have my own goals to write though.

After coming home I kind of fell apart mentally. I'm not even really sure what had me acting this way. I started off with dinner (430) but then I still found myself wanting to eat. So I had some Greek yogurt and fruit with some nuts (250). Then I found myself going back into the kitchen and making a rice cake with peanut butter and a few raisins (160). I went back yet again and had a few crackers with cheese (250). So in the span of 2 hours I have packed in 1090 calories. I haven't done this kind of eating in an evening in a really long time. It doesn't feel good to see how I can let myself fall back into old habits.

I hate writing posts like this but I know no matter how long I'm into this journey I will have days like this. It is just life and it is how things go when I let doubt and frustration creep into my thinking. Funny that it comes on the night I do a meeting on setting goals for myself and positive self talk. Must be that little inner brat wanting to have a fight.

I'm sitting here watching my taped biggest loser with tears rolling down my face for the 2 teams that had to leave before they even got in the house hardly. It just seems every time I watch this show I end up blubbering over it lol. But it really does hit me in the heart knowing that use to be me. I know one night of eating to many calories isn't going to bring back the weight I've lost but I'd still like to kick my own butt sometimes for my actions lol.

Well here's to a good day tomorrow. Maybe I will wake up and the scale will look sunny again.

Till tomorrow...

Making it through

Well as you can imagine last night was a tough night for everyone. I found myself angry, sad, frustrated, just about any emotion you could think of. I think I said all the things I wanted to Kevin. I think he heard me and I'm hoping we can move on from here.

Evidently him taking the car wasn't a one time thing, it had happened 4 times. One of the times was when he was still punished. Not that it mattered, taking the car anytime without permission is wrong. I also made sure he realized that him being out after midnight driving was illegal and had he been in an accident it could have been really bad for us.

I asked him a lot of questions and got mumbled answered. I was most angry that I had to go face the girl's parents when I felt like he had made such a mess. He had been seeing their daughter while still seeing his girlfriend (now ex). I felt sad for this new girl and her parents. I did tell the girl while I was there that if he ever mistreated her that he wasn't the guy for her. Her parents were super nice and I was thankful for that.

I don't know how this will all work out but I told Kevin I didn't think he needed to be in a relationship because he didn't know how to treat a girl. I asked him if he even liked women because he sure didn't act nice to them.

I did get a promise from him that he wouldn't sneak out of the house anymore. I seldom get a promise from him so I believe he will not do this again. I think he realized he has pushed us to the edge and if he's not careful at 18 he will be out. I told him though I hoped he would take the easy road if he chose the wrong one I wouldn't stand by and watch. That I would always be there and would always love him but that I wasn't going to live in fear of his next wrong move.

Anyway, I'm feeling more at peace about it all. I also made it through the day without eating everything in sight. Surprisingly I really couldn't eat earlier in the day. I think I've finally realized that eating doesn't fix anything and the anxiety that I feel at times will go away eventually.

I also got an email yesterday from a nice young lady that is interested in the cottage for her and her fiance. So I'm hopeful about that. They are suppose to come look at the place later in the week when she's in town from college.

Tonight I plan on going to the gym. It's funny how anxiety and stress affect the number on the scale for me. This morning I was up a few lbs from my low for the week. So not sure if I will see a lose tomorrow at TOPS or not. Really I'm not worried about it since now it's really more of a maintenance game for me.

The owner is here at work today. He's going to give a presentation. I'm hopeful it will help remotivate us all. I've just been feeling kind of blah about work these days. I was happy for the time off during the holidays.

I think I'm going to do my program tomorrow for TOPS on S.M.A.R.T. goals. We have a chapter in our book about it and I think it will help motivate me to start giving more thought about this year and what I want for myself. I think I'm also going to talk about what reaching goal means too. Not for myself but about people picking realistic goals for themselves, a weight they can maintain for the rest of their lives. We have a few ladies that are close to what I think could be goal for them.

Well I better get back to work.

Till tomorrow...

Broken Hearted

Letting things (and people) go is hard for me. But I know sometimes it's the best thing for me. Just like the saying goes "set it free and if it was meant to be it will come back to you" or something like that. Well I know I'm getting to that point with Kevin. I love him dearly, he is a son to me. But I can't and won't let him take advantage of me. It breaks my heart to think he might be leaving my house at 18 but that's what it might come to.

He doesn't talk to me like he use to and I don't know what's in his head so I can't help him. He made the decision to take the car last night after we went to bed. He's been off punishment a week. I was hoping he would fly right and things would be ok. But his focus is on girls and I'm not understanding it and without him telling me I don't have a clue.

He tells me he's still with the girlfriend yet last night he snuck out to see another girl. Evidently he got caught by her parents. So today Mike got a text from him saying the girl's parents want to talk to him tonight. I'm angry. I'm angry because it's apparent that Kevin must not care. That for him it's about doing what he wants. If he cared he surely wouldn't take the car without permission. He knows I've told him before I would call the police if he ever did that. He also knows I mean it.

He could have easily went and saw this girl for hours last night. We usually let him go and do what he wants when he asks. I guess that's why I don't understand his thinking. Is it all about the excitement, the thrill for him? Why does he start off every relationship this way? Does he think her parents are going to every like or trust him now? What was he thinking?

He pushed me to far today though and I cracked a little. Not just because of him taking the car. But also because he knew he was caught yet he still got up this morning got ready for school, didn't wake me when he knew I wasn't up when I should have been and took the car to school. What was he thinking? That everything would just magically go away? That I would forgive him yet again?

So the kids and I woke up late and I drove them to school then came home got ready and got to work at 8:45am. Then about a hour later I got the call from Mike. He wasn't as upset as I was. So I made the decision to drive to the school take the new cell phone and the car key from Kevin. So that's what I did. I was angry though. I ended up yelling at him and telling him that if he was going to steal my car and not follow my rules then he could get the fuck out of my house when he hit 18. I mean that too. It will totally break my heart but I will do it.

I'm tired of being focused on Kevin. Evidently he's all surface. He does what he thinks we want him to do but inside he's a train wreck. I know some of it is typical teenage stuff but I also know there is more in his head than that. There are memories, there are learned behaviors, just so many things that I don't know about. I should have made him go to therapy sooner, I tried. But he wasn't willing to talk. Now I fear I've waited to long.

His destiny is his own though. I know from my own childhood, teenage years and life that sometimes it just takes learning it for yourself and doing things the hard way. If that's the road he wants to go down it is his choice. I won't stand by though and put up with being treated crappy. I also won't put up with feeling like I have a sneak under my roof, worried about his next move.

I do think he loves us, we are his family. But I also think there is a part of him that feels like he doesn't belong. I can't help him with his feelings if he isn't willing to talk to me though. I feel bad I lost it today. I think though he had to see my anger and upset. He had to learn he can only push me so far. Tonight I will try to be more rational. I'm hoping he will talk and he will really hear me.

As for me, I'm tired, heart broken and full of anxiety. I feel angry and hurt. I know I've done everything I can for Kevin so I don't have any regrets when it comes to him. I've always tried to be fair and when I haven't been I've apologized for it.

I thought about not writing this but this is my blog and I have to stop worrying about who reads this. I NEED a place to come that I know I can spill it all out and feel better. Do I feel better? Being honest, not really but I'm hoping soon I will.

Till tomorrow...

Sick Saturday

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I have TTOM and I'm still all croupy. I was feeling totally exhausted too. I ended up taking a 3-4 hour nap this afternoon so here I am again after midnight. I'm feeling a bit better than this morning though at least. I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll be feeling better.

It was definitely a lazy Saturday today. I did absolutely nothing other than lay around. I think my body needed it though. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be raring to go to the gym and get in a good workout. If nothing else I'll go and do some cardio at least.

I've been thinking about goals the past several days. I've still not sat down and put them into words on paper though. I'm just not sure what I want for the year ahead. I know I will continue doing the things I've been doing but I also know there are more things I want to do that aren't weight related.

Well I guess I'm going to play my goofy itouch games and try to get myself a little tired so I can get some more sleep. Please tell me tomorrow isn't Sunday lol. Can I claim amnesia and not show up for work on Monday? lol

Till tomorrow...