Happy Halloween

It's hard to believe Halloween is already here. It seems like the year is just flying by. The kids were excited this morning getting their costumes all bagged up to take to school. I'm sure they will have a great day.

I've been reading a lot of thought provoking blogs lately. I'm really enjoying being a part of the blogging world. I never knew there was so much here that could help me, so many great people.

Today is my 20th year anniversary at my job. It's amazing to me that I've been working here since I was 21. I've never been one for change plus I've just always enjoyed my job. What 20 years means is I start getting a 5th week of vacation every year so I'm excited about that for sure.

Today at lunch is usually when I have my cheat meal of the week. But I've decided to save it for Sunday. I'm going to be meeting an internet friend for lunch. She lives in Pittsburgh but her mom lives in DC so she comes down this way a few times a year and we try to get together. I really enjoy hanging out with her, we can talk for hours. It should be a great visit.

The gym last night was good. We got in 70 mins of weight training and 40 mins on the treadmill. Hubby is still complaining but he did tell me he thinks our workouts are doing him more good than when we were meeting with the trainer. I have to agree I feel the same way. It just feels like we are making our bodies stronger. I can't wait to see all we can do in 2-3 more months.

Today hubby and I had lunch together at his work. He said he needs to make a new hole in his belt so that's a great sign of his hard work and progress. I also wrote down a food plan for him. Since June he's been going to the gym with me and has lost about 35 lbs but he hasn't really been following any food plan. So I told him I would be willing to make him a few batches of protein bars with my patch on Sunday and that way he would have something for in between meals. He is worse of a veggie slacker than I am so I'm not sure how it will work out but he seemed willing to give it a try. I really need to put the plan I wrote out for him into fitday and see how the carbs/protein/fat ratios are. It's amazing how many more calories a guy can have. I punched in his numbers on BFFM website and he can have 3063 calories a day and that is a 25% deficit lol.

Yesterday I met with a new therapist. She's going to be seeing my 11 yr old son. I don't know if I've talked about him but he has an eating disorder. I've never wanted to call it that but it is. He's 5 ft tall and weighs just 80 lbs (was 75 about a month ago). It amazes me that I can have a child so thin but really when it comes to obese or to thin it's really very similar. Anyway, I really like her and I'm hopeful she can help him/us.

Tonight I guess we will all go trick or treating as a family. I'm looking forward to seeing the kids having fun in their costumes.

Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym for my 3rd workout of the week. Hopefully hubby will go with me too. Our new renter moves in the cottage tomorrow too. It's going to be such a relief not having to worry about that anymore. I think that's been one of my biggest stressers this past month.

I had a weird dream last night about my first husband. Really strange, I've had dreams about him before, they are always kind of scary to me. Last nights really wasn't, was more about him finally getting some help for his mental state and us talking about how things were between us back then. It seemed weird to me because I really felt like I had closure when I left him. Not sure what the dream meant.

I'm so happy it's Friday!!!!!!!!!!! I'm looking forward to a good weekend.

Sherre, every time I think about eating off plan this weekend I'm going to think of you and our little challenge. Thanks for saying that it reminded me that I had told myself I was going to get through this weekend eating clean.

I really think writing my food here is helping. Yesterday as I was taking my mini chocolate out of the punch bowl of chocolate here at work I was thinking about not writing it down but then I thought I have to be 100% honest or why even bother writing down the food. BTW that mini chocolate was the 1 I allow myself a week. It was good and I enjoyed it. I had planned on saving it for today but maybe it's best I had it yesterday that way when tonight comes I won't be tempted to eat ANY. Had I had one tonight I might want two or three
or .....

http://www.healthdiscovery.net/articles/1­0steps.htm A friend posted this site today and I thought it was great so thought I would post it here. I really do think exercise is the biggest key to permanent weight lose.

Well I have an hour till quitting time so I better try to get some work done. I hope everyone has a great Halloween.

Clocks go back this weekend, an extra hour, oh boy.

Till tomorrow...

The white board...

So this morning in front of my coworker I wrote my gain on his white board. It felt bad but it also made me more determined. The number on his white board is 56.75 this morning. That is the amount of weight I want to lose to reach "my" goal of 180 lbs. I know I can do it I just have to stop playing around and stay on track "all" the time. I think my biggest problem is the weekend. So today I am making the committment to stay on track ALL weekend. Tomorrow at lunch will be my usual Friday cheat meal but even it I will try to make a healthy choice.

One of my goals has been to be at 230 for my trip to Kentucky at Thanksgiving. So that is something I am going to really focus on because I want to reach that goal. I made that goal back in July and I plan on sticking to it and reaching it. I think I'm going to actually shoot for 229 because that would be my all time low. So 8 lbs to lose in 4 weeks, I think that is definitely doable. If anyone wants to lose 8 with me we could have a little challenge.

So I went home to carve the pumpkin last night and the darn thing was kind of rotten on the bottom, awwww. I still carved a cool bat (with one of those kits) into it and we enjoyed it with a candle in it but it wasn't in good enough shape for the kids to take it to school for the contest. Hubby went to 2 different stores trying to find a new pumpkin but they were all sold out *sad face*. The kids and I went to Walmart too and no pumpkins there either. They both got costumes though and some candy. Thankfully they both picked candy I'm not all that fond of (butter fingers and gummy lifesavers) so I wasn't tempted at all. The boy is going to be a grim reaper and the girl is going to be a girl pirate lol. She tried on her costume last night and looked super cute.

Last night after I got home I felt like eating and eating. I did well staying within my calories but I still ate more than I should have. I need to get in more veggies at night.

Tonight is the gym so I will definitely get in a good workout. I'm looking forward to it. I really need that feeling of determination it gives me. It just makes me feel capable. I typed up my list of exercises the other night and hubby took them to work and laminated them for me so they will hold up better. My old paper was looking pretty pitiful lol.

Tomorrow is Halloween, how did that happen? Seems like the year has just flown by in a flash.

I'm back to logging my food on fitday this week which I think will definitely help keep me straight.

I'm feeling good today in spite of my gain.

I can do this! I will do this! Consider it done!

Till tomorrow...

Scale still having power

Well my weigh-in wasn't good at TOPS tonight. I'm up 2.75 lbs this week making my total for the month of October going in the wrong direction. I've been back on track with exercise for a week now and my food other than the weekend has been good. I'm sure the overload of carbs and just food in general over the weekend is the cause of my gain. It just means I'll have to work that much harder this week so that I can show a decent lose next week. I'm not going to let it get me down. I know this is for life and not every week (month) will be perfect. The TOPS ladies were great and we had a good meeting. I got to take "old friend" bear home with me this week. He always goes home with the biggest gainer lol. I'm trying to make the best of it. I know I can do this, I can get to where I want to be.

So onward and downward...

Carving a pumpkin...

Tonight I have to carve a pumpkin with the kids. It's been sitting on the counter ready to go for several days now. I some how threw out the little pumpkin carving tools in the kitchen remodel last year so now we'll just have to use a knife. I'm sure it will be fun for the kids no matter how it turns out. They have a contest at school. I doubt we'll win but it will be fun entering anyway. I have to drive them to school with their pumpkin tomorrow *smile*. At some point I still need to go get the boy a costume. The girl wants to be a ghost again this year so we just need to make sure it still fits. The nephew said he's not dressing up, he is 16 after all and I guess it's just not cool anymore.

I still haven't bought Halloween candy and I'm not sure I'm going to. If I'm going out with the family trick or treating then I really don't need to. We don't live in a neighborhood that gets many kids anyway. I would be lucky to have 3-4 kids and then I'd be stuck with a huge bowl of candy to stare at all night. So I do think I've just convinced myself to skip it.

I don't think I mentioned that I made a family chore chart a few weeks ago. It's been amazing how well the kids have done with it, all of us actually. I don't know why we didn't do it years ago. Having the house clean has so improved how I feel every day, I'm just happier. When I was reading Annette's post yesterday and she was talking about decluttering it totally hit home with me. I keep thinking what my clean house means to me is I am definitely uncluttering my mind right along with it. I really am awakening to my new better healthier happier life.

Yesterday I got a generic email from Tom Venuto about his new book coming out in January. I've talked about that I've been following his "Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle" ebook since July. It's really helped me realize how important eating enough calories is and the balance between food and exercise. He goes on body fat % not the scale and I think that is really important especially for me who seems to let the scale have so much power over me. Anyway, Tom has written another book which will be coming out in January called "The Body Fat Solution". I was so happy to hear that it wouldn't be for the more body builder type (which he is) but for someone like me that struggles with emotional eating and other issue related to being large all my life. I can tell you his first book made huge sense (is a really great book) so I know this second book is going to be even better. Anyway, I emailed him to just say thanks for his old book and how excited I was about his new book and he actually emailed me back and told me to keep up the great work and to keep him posted on my progress. I just thought that was really nice of him. It's really amazing to me how connected we all can be on the internet yet never having met each other, very cool.

So hubby and I went to the gym last night (answering Mizfit here *smile*). This week was doing 2 circuits of the workout exercises in the book "Book of Muscle". There are 12 exercises that we do 15 times each so we did them twice last night. I thought it went really great, we did 10 mins of warm up on the treadmill then the double routine took us about 70 mins and then we got back on the treadmill for another 25 mins so it was a total of 105 mins of exercise. I have to say though I was really tired after the exercises when I got on the treadmill I felt really energized so I even jogged some. I've laid off the jogging because of my knees. They were killing me last night after I got home but they are feeling only a bit sore today so I think they are ok. I'll see how they feel tomorrow (gym night) to see if I will try that again. My arms are a little sore too but not to bad.

We've been going to the gym since June and when we were working with the trainer she had us doing pretty heavy weights. With the new workout we are back to lighter weights (I'm using 10's and 15's and hubby 15's and 20's) but I can feel we are using more muscles but recovering faster. Before I could tell that I wasn't recovering between workouts whereas now I am. So I think starting this new routine has been a big benefit to both of us. I think it's really progressing our bodies at a better pace. Hubby is still complaining about the floor exercises but he's doing them *smile*.

I forgot to peek at the scale this morning so when I go to TOPS tonight it will just be a surprise. I'm hoping those added lbs came off. I feel like I'm motivated to get moving in the right direction again yet I let the weekend throw me off track a bit with the food. I really am going to concentrate hard this weekend to stay focused and eat clean.

I was reading somewhere the other day and someone was talking about how our bodies can remember trama at different times in our life from what size we are. I didn't know if I believed it but since giving it more thought I believe it to be true. As I have mentioned I've been large all my life from like age 5-6. So at 9-11 I was around the weight I am now. This is around the time when I have my memory of a certain abuse. I gave it some thought yesterday and I realized that when I got my stomach stapled at 15 I got down to this weight, then when I gained and lost weight again in my early 20's I got down to this weight again. Now here I am a 3rd time at this weight and struggling a bit. So I'm thinking maybe there's some truth in what I read. Anyway, this time I plan on sorting it out and getting past it not letting it derail me permanenantly. I have never been below 230 in my adult life (probably not since I was 10-11) so I really think once I can get past this rough patch things will get easier. I will be in a new territory then though that I've never been in. A part of me is scared but a part is also very very excited. 5 more lbs till I am the lowest I've ever been.

This really is the first time in my life that I think I can get the weight off and keep it off. I really have come to realize that it's all in my hands. Why I ever thought any different I don't know. But for years I have always just thought it wasn't possible, just to hard. That I had to find some magic plan that would get the weight off quick. That I wasn't capable of doing it on my own. But I can, anyone can, it's all about realizing how capable we are, realizing how powerful our bodies are. If you give it some thought just think of how strong our bodies are from carting around all that weight all these years. We have a powerhouse under the fat just waiting to work for us.

I had a conversation with a friend awhile back about lean muscle mass. She wanted to get down to 130 lbs but already had about that much lean muscle mass. She wasn't concerned about losing the extra. I tried to tell her how that extra was her ace in the hole, that trying to retain every lb of lean muscle mass she had could help her lose the weight better and keep it off. She wan't convinced. But that's what I definitely believe. From my calculations I have 148 lbs of muscle. So if I can get down to 180 lbs I will be looking pretty darn good I think. Sure I might not be thin by someone elses standards but by mine I will have come very far and I will have earned it. So with that said, my advice is keep your lean muscle mass, don't let it go away with the fat by not eating enough calories. Ok off my soapbox lol.

Till tomorrow...

Moving on from the past...

The other day I talked about baggage. I know I need to deal with the past to keep moving forward in today and tomorrow. I think our minds bury things for a good reason and I'm not looking to remember anything new. But I do need to deal with the things that are there. So last night I talked to my husband. It's crazy that I've not talked about this with him in the 13 yrs we've been together. Really it's something him knowing will help with his own insecurities I think yet I've not talked about it. Anyway, he was his usual understanding loving self and though I didn't actually talk about the details I told him of it and that I was planning on talking to my therapist about it next week. I'm hopeful opening it up a little will let me let it go more. So that is my plan.


Has any of this caused me to want to eat? Surprisingly no it hasn't. I kept to my plan yesterday of drinking a ton of water and the scale was 3 lbs down from yesterday. I plan on continuing to drink my water today so that hopefully by weigh-in tomorrow I'll be back to my low weight.

Tonight is gym night with hubby. We are doing 2 circuits of the new workout so we will be there several hours I'm guessing. I'm hoping he'll have some pleasant determination tonight and not complain as much lol. Hopefully my knee won't bug me and his ankle won't bug him. I'm looking forward to going. It always makes me tired but also feel good I got it done.

I made a big pot of soup last night so had that for dinner last night and lunch today. I plan on having it for dinner again tonight and then for lunch the rest of the week. I always do better when I make a big pot of soup every week. It's great with the cold weather here too. I'm sure someone will ask for the recipe so I'll just post it now lol.

Throw Together Soup

pam or tablespoon of olive oil
3 cans any kind of beans (this time I used garbonzo, black and pigeon peas)(rinse extra good to get rid of some sodium)
1/2 cup frozen peas
1 can french style green beans (no salt)
1-2 cups shredded carrots (I have a salad shooter so it makes it easy)
1-2 large onions, chopped small
2 cloves minced garlic
1 large can purreed tomatoes
1 large can diced tomatoes (low or no sodium if you can find it)
chicken boullion or broth (low or no sodium)
leftover cooked chicken breast, cut in bite size pieces (you can omit this if you don't have any or put a fresh cut up breast in with the onions and carrots to cook)
2-4 cups water to fill the pot (I have a really large pot)
lots of pepper and whatever other spices you like to taste
I add 2 packets of splenda too (do the same thing to my spaghetti sauce)

Note: lately I've been putting leeks and peppers (red, yellow, orange) in my soup and it's been extra yummy.

spray large pot with pam or put in oil, toss in onions, carrots and garlic, cook till tender. Throw all other ingredients in and bring to boil, lower heat and simmer for about 30 mins till good and hot.

It's a really quick easy soup that is super hearty and a whole meal in itself. I tried to figure out the calories and stuff on it last night but with adding water and then just eating it bowl by bowl I'm not sure. I'm guessing about 250 calories for a 2 cup bowl.

I'm going to include my recipe for my protein bars too since I'm on a roll.

Banana-Peanut Butter Protein Bars

3 medium ripe bananas, mashed
2 ½ cups rolled oats
1 tablespoon cinnamon 1 teaspoons nutmeg (I just put 1 1/2 tablespoons of cinnamon and omit the nutmeg, all what you like)
2 tablespoons natural peanut butter (I prefer chunky)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/3 cup splenda (I use 1/2 cup)
1/2 cup egg beater (or 1/2 cup egg whites)
1/2 cup skim or 1% milk
1/2 cup applesauce
3 scoops protein powder (chocolate)
1/2 cup raisins

Preheat oven 300 degrees, spray cake pan with pam. Mix ingredients in a large bowl. Pour into cake pan cook for 45-50 mins. Let cool before cutting. Cut into 8 pie slices. Refrigerate, will keep a week or so.

230 calories each

These are extremely filling and a much better alternative to store bought protein bars.

For a sweet potato/pecan version I just nuke an extra large sweet potato, scrape out the inside, mash, and add 1/4 cup chopped pecans instead of the banana and peanut butter.

If you like oatmeal you'll like them a lot I think, if you don't I still think you will like them ok. I make them every Sunday and eat them every work day for breakfast and sometimes an extra one if I'm on the go and need something quick.

I made them for my TOPS ladies one week and they seemed to really like them.

I was reading on the BFFM inner circle that I'm a member of and one of the moderator guys said he makes out a goal list everyday and includes every little thing he wants to get done even brushing his teeth, he breaks it down in time incriments too. I thought that was a great idea so I think I'm going to start doing that to see if it helps me accomplish more during my day. I'm sure it will since I feel like far to often I waste a lot of time at night.

Well till tomorrow...

Social phobias

Why do I have such issues interacting with people? It's like I become a bumbling idiot sometimes for no reason. An example: This morning I packaged up a bunch of stuff for my niece. She joined the Navy a few months ago and is in boot camp. Yesterday I spend time making her protein bars, brownies and also got her some store bought protein bars. So I package everything up, type up a 2 page letter and tape it all up in a box. Then I head to the post office. Now here's where it goes soooo wrong. I can feel myself overwhelmed with anxiety just entering the post office. What the heck is this about. Then I'm at the desk in front of an older woman asking me how she can help me. So I give her the package and she rambles off her stuff about is the package blah blah or blah and before I know it she's stamping perishable all over the box. I'm mortified and so upset at this point I'm not sure what to do. The smart thing would have been to take my box back, take it back to work, repackage it and take it back to the post office and keep my big mouth shut. But instead I just stand there like an idiot telling her now the package might not go through as my niece is not allowed to receive food items. Sigh. Instead I just let her take my package that now may end up with everything inside in the trash. This isn't my first dumber than dumb moment at the post office. I'm not sure why I continue to let a simple trip to the post office stress me out. It's like I feel like a criminal or something when I mail off a package lol. What the heck is this about?

Anyway, now I will beat myself up all day about this and maybe several days from here on. I just don't understand myself. My social anxiety is so irrational. It makes no sense to me. I'm thinner now, pretty normal looking yet I seem to act like I weigh 500 lbs whereever I go. I can't think of any other reason why I act like I act when I go somewhere and have to speak with strangers. I'm this way in a grocery store, a gas station, wherever. Maybe it's not related to my weight just a separate social phobia I don't know for sure. I'll have to talk about it next week with my therapist and see what he thinks. Next weeks session is definitely going to be interesting.

Well I didn't keep to my "don't weigh myself" rule either. I snuck a peek this morning and it said a 6 lb gain, what the heck. I just don't get the scale at all. Maybe it's unrewarding me for my weeks of not eating right. I didn't eat perfect this weekend but I sure didn't eat 6 lbs extra worth of food either. Maybe it's sodium since I didn't drink my water like I had been. So this morning I've been back to drinking lots of water again. Hopefully that will help. I have to stay the heck off the scale too. It does nothing for me but stress me out.

Note: I had to come back to lecture myself about the scale thing. I can't tell you how many times I've posted to other people's blog telling them a 6 lb gain in 2 days isn't possible unless they are eating crazy amounts of food. So of course my weight gain is sodium/water. I've already had 1/2 a gallon of water so far and will have another 1/2 gallon by the end of the day and will do that again tomorrow and Wednesday. So that when I get on the scale Wednesday night it will reflect my true weight for the week.

Well it's lunch time so I better go.

Till tomorrow...

Need to work on a better weekend food plan

I feel like come Friday I allow myself to go off track with my food and it continues through Saturday. Friday is usually my allowed cheat meal day so maybe having that is giving me cravings. I think just being out of my usual work routine and planned/packed food is part of it too. I think I need my cheat meal on Friday at lunch but I need to then just get back on track. But it seems like the family is on cheat meal mode for Friday night too. Then Saturday rolls around and sometimes there's another cheat meal. By Sunday though I'm usually back on track. I mean this really hasn't hurt my weight loss but I know if I was stricter with myself I could probably lose a few more lbs over all. This is for life though and I do want some relief from the constant thinking of food planning. I don't have any intent of going hog wild. Boy am I fickled or what? lol I think it's about how fast do I want to lose this last 54 lbs. I'm not unhappy with a lb a week but 2 a week would definitely be nicer.

I think the added water I've been drinking is really helping in so many areas. I think I'm less hungry, my joints feel better, I just feel better overall, I feel more hydrated during workouts and I really do think it's helping to flush out the extra sodium I might eat and helps to flush out fat. I'm so happy Lyn has the challenge it is definitely helping me.

I did get up this morning and take my Sunday 3 mile walk. It's cool and sunny here today and it felt good to be out. Hubby was suppose to go with me but he had to go to Lowes to do more things at our rental so I told him to just walk around there some.

My left knee still isn't to good. It's full of fluid and when I tried to jog a little bit it started hurting more. I've pretty much given up trying to jog. I'll try again after I've lost a few more lbs. I probably should get my knees checked out but I just don't want to hear any bad news. I figure as long as I can do workouts and walks I'm not going to complain.

Today my daughter has a Birthday party to go to and my son is having a friend over. I've got my protein bars in the oven and they are smelling great. I'm eating the last one from last week right now. This week I made banana/peanut butter last week it was sweet potato/pecan ones. I feel like I've been in the kitchen all day so far today too. I really do enjoy cooking.

Till tomorrow...

A day home

Last night I went to a Southern Living at home party at my old exercise instructors house. Of course she had food there to snack on. I didn't do to well but it wasn't soo terrible. I still need to work on my comfort level at social things so I don't eat so much. I know how much I eat is related to my anxiety level. I really wanted to go last night but then felt like I didn't do much talking and felt out of place. I wish I could overcome that. I feel like I'm always comparing myself to everyone in my mind too (am I the fattest person here, am I eating more than everyone, etc). I wish I could be less aware of myself and just try to enjoy myself more.

Today I've spent the day cooking for my nephew's girlfriend coming over for dinner. He wanted me to make my lasagna. I haven't made it since his Birthday. I tried to make it less fattening but still keeping the taste the same, hopefully I did ok.

It feels like forever since I've had a whole day at home. I did venture out this morning to the gym but have been home since then. I feel like I've been doing doing doing though so not really much of a rest. Tomorrow my daughter has a Birthday party to go to. I thought it was today but was wrong. I was hoping to get to rest a bit tomorrow, oh well.

I haven't eaten much today felt like I wanted to save up my calories for the lasagna. I'm sure everyone else will wipe out the lasagna pretty quickly so I won't have to many worries about leftovers.

My new workout is going pretty good. Hubby didn't make it to the gym with me this morning he wanted to sleep in so he only got in the workout twice this week (which is his norm). I can tell the workout is working my body in new ways and helping to strengthen my core. Since not taking a pilates or yoga class since May I can really feel the difference in my core. I really need to try to go to some of the classes at the gym. I need to work on my social phobias anyway. My old instructor is teaching a pilates class at her house on Monday nights but she's only excepting 6 people because her home studio is very small. I'm hoping maybe soon there will be an open spot for me, she said she was thinking of starting another session. It would be nice to be back with some of my old exercise ladies too.

Well I need to finish dinner before our company arrives.

Till tomorrow...

baggage...

The emotional baggage I have is huge to me some days. I really think I have a lot of things buried deep inside myself that I don't want to remember from my childhood. I have one flicker of something that plagues me quite often. I try to just block it out but sometimes it comes back again and again at the worst time. I don't really feel like I can talk about it with anyone. I wonder will I ever be able to just let it go. I guess I need to talk about it in therapy. I've thought about telling my therapist about it a few times but then always decide not to.

When I think back to my childhood there is so much of it I just don't remember. It's weird to have vivid memories of big hunks of time like when I would come and visit my aunt, uncle and cousin for the Summers. It was so normal with her. I remember going out and picking vegetables from my uncles huge garden for dinner almost everyday. We would always sit at the table and have a wonderful meal that my aunt labored over for hours. She would take us swimming and to do all kinds of things. We would go on vacations in their little camper to Disney World, Ocean City, all kind of places. It was wonderful for me.

When I was 8 my aunt and mother (they were sisters) stopped speaking. So I didn't go for the Summer anymore. They didn't speak for many years. When I became an adult I married a guy and moved just a 1/2 mile down the road from my aunt. So I got to spend the last 7 yrs of her life seeing her several times a week which is still very special to me.

I look at my sisters and realize they suffered more abuse as children than I did. But I know I still have a lot of baggage myself from my own abuse. Sometimes I wish I didn't remember any of it and then sometimes I wish I remembered more so I could understand it. But I think our minds try to protect us.

Anyway, today I am thinking about the baggage I still have to lose with the remaining pounds. I'm thankful I'm in therapy and I'm thankful I can write out my words here and at least give them a bit of a voice. I know my weight comes from this baggage. I look at other big people and know they have their own baggage. I really do believe that if a person doesn't deal with their baggage they will never get and stay thin. I think that has been one of my problems all my life. This time though I'm fixing myself thinner the right way. I'm going to fix my mind as well as my body so that I can live the rest of my life truly healthy.

Till tomorrow...

Turning things around...

Isn't it funny when you go from a crappy, million things to do, stress filled week (month) back to normal. I know when I'm in the stress week (month) I wonder will I get myself back to normal, will I get back to eating right and exercising or will I continue on the bad path if the stress doesn't ease up.

I would like to think I've changed enough never to go back to the person that falls off the wagon forever. I always remind myself nothing I've eaten in a week (even several months) could bring back 110 lbs but it's still scary to think about.

Tonight was weigh-in at TOPS and the scale rewarded me for bad behavior with showing my low weight. On 9/27 I weighed 234 and tonight I weighed 234. I can definitely live with that. On one hand I think I wasted a month and on the other hand I keep reminding myself this is for life and that there will be weeks (months) that I will struggle and yo-yo. It's about getting back on track though and not letting myself fall to far.

It's amazing how our minds work. It really is all about your mind and realizing that you can do anything you put your mind too. I sure hope I can stay in the motivated mode for a while now. It definitely feels better than the "off" mode.

Till tomorrow...

Back to my routine...

Boy what a few weeks this has been. Last night hubby and I finally made it back to the gym. It had been almost 2 weeks since we had been. We did the new weight training routine I had written down from my "book of muscle" book. It was different and hubby complained almost the whole time lol but he did everything the best he could and I can feel I worked muscles I hadn't before. We also walked 30 mins on the treadmill. He seemed to want to walk more but I told him I thought we should take it slow our first day back. He has problems with his ankles and I didn't want him broke down for Thursday lol.

Our trainer had left a voice mail for me about being sorry she hasn't been able to meet with us for over a month. She asked if we would like to start meeting with a different trainer and when I saw her last night I just told her that I thought we were going to do it on our own for awhile. I was really doing it for hubby but she was always cancelling or rescheduling and with hubby he really just needs to know that he has set days no matter what. I think we'll be ok.

I did peek at the scale this morning for the first time in 2 weeks. I think I will stay about the same at weigh-in tonight. I'm not sure how but if I do it will be a blessing and I will be thankful. I've definitely not followed a good plan the past few weeks and had eaten out almost everyday till Monday when I got myself totally back on plan. It definitely feels better being on plan than off. It really stresses me out not eating right and exercising. I think really it's that my body is use to exercising and when I don't the anxiety about so many things comes back.

We finally got a renter Monday. He seems very nice and it will be a relief getting the finances back to normal. 2 months with no rent really put us in a bit of a hole. I'm sure going on the mini vacation in the middle didn't help either.

Well the Fall Rally was very nice. I was nervous but I think I did fine with my speaking parts. I won several awards too which was nice. I just love TOPS it really is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I don't know where I would be without it. It was nice getting to hang out and get to know the other Maryland area captains and our regional director (she handles about 6 or 7 states) too. It was just an all around great weekend.

On Sunday my mother-in-law and I went shopping and to lunch. It felt good to just get out on our own and spend a little time together. I felt like I hadn't seen her at all (I really hadn't). We split a piece of cheesecake. I seem to still have issues with people seeing me eat sweets. I'm not sure why that is. I think it's because of my own issues with knowing sweets is such a big part of why I was so big. I need to get over what other people think though. Really no matter what I do in a social setting someone will have something to say I think so why worry about it.

My MIL left on Monday morning. I think we all had a really nice visit and I'm hoping she will visit more often. It's funny that I can love her now for the things that use to drive me nuts. She's very much into doing things her way and I guess I am too. I've realized that letting her do things her way is ok. It doesn't mean I've given up anything it just means that I'm loving her for who she is.

Something else really great happened too. My best friend sent me a gift. It arrived on Friday and I opened it after I got back from my meeting with the TOPS ladies at like 11pm. It was a lovely heart felt card that made me cry. When I opened the gift I just continued to cry. The card said it was for losing 100 lbs and that she was so proud of me and that I never had to worry that we would always be friends. It just said so many things that over the past 32 yrs I have always worried about. That she was going to stop talking to me or that our relationship wasn't going to last. It just felt good reading her words and knowing she cared about me as much as I cared about her. She bought me a beautiful necklace, it's the outline of a cat in diamond chips. I wore it to fall rally and told everyone what it was for. It was just very very special.

I think the past several weeks have taught me that I have changed in some areas and in others I haven't. But I know that I can still work on myself everyday and eventually I will be the person I want to be. For now though I'm just living day to day and trying to enjoy my life not dwelling on not being perfect. I was never perfect and I never will be. I can only do the best I can do.

Till tomorrow...

Back to reality...

Well I'm home from my mini vacation with hubby. We had a wonderful time, we soo needed it. We really enjoyed everything about the weekend, especially the swimming pool in our room *wink wink*. Hubby won the "dummiest husband game" on Wednesday night and I just laughed and laughed. It felt so good doing so much laughing. The comedian gave him hell about winning too lol.


I really struggled with food though. I still have so many issues with eating in social settings and just eating when away from home. At home I feel like I have my own little food world. I prepare everything and most weeks have the same things. So when I go away I seem to go crazy. I know part of it is anxiety of eating with strangers and being around strangers. But another part of it is just giving myself permission to eat. I had told myself 1 dessert per day at dinner. I did good the first night but the next day I ended up having 4 desserts throughout the day. Then at night, I had bought cheese, crackers, grapes and pretzels (should have known better) and would just eat and eat. Wednesday night I actually felt kind of sick from eating to much. I got so aggrevated at myself. I thought I was past being that way but I guess it's still there within me if I'm not extra careful.


Anyway, it was vacation and I'm back to reality today and I'm back to eating right. I'm sure I did a little damage but I'm going to stick to my plan of not weighing myself till at the earliest right before TOPS on Wednesday. Hopefully by then I can have taken off some of the damage.


Tonight I am having dinner with the state coordinator for TOPS (she's a dear friend in my TOPS group), all the Maryland area captains (I am one) and the regional director. Then we are having a meeting to finalize all the Fall Rally stuff. I'm hoping tomorrow at the Rally I can keep my nerves in check and do ok with my speaking and doing parts. I'm sure if I focus on the motivational parts of the day it will make me feel really good and refresh me. The past month I have felt myself falling a bit and I really could use a fresh boost.


I'm sitting here drinking my water (thanks Lyn) and thinking about the blogs I've read today and how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people right at my finger tips that make me really think about so many things. I'm so thankful for so many things in my life. I think looking back on my heavier days I let my weight cloud all the things that were wonderful in my life even then. Really no matter what you weigh it's about making the best of everyday.

Till tomorrow...

Excited today...

Hard to believe I'm leaving on my mini vacation tomorrow. I'm so excited about it. I rescheduled the kids dentist appt so I wouldn't have so much to do today. It all seems to be working out good. I think my MIL will get here around 7 tonight. I'm going to make chili which will be quick and easy and pretty healthy. I have packing to do tonight too and I want to make my protein bars to take with me on my trip.

I'm hoping I can do ok with food during the vacation. I'm going to allow myself dessert at dinner (just 1) and that's it. I hope I get in lots of walking too. I must admit not getting on the scale is getting harder as the days go on. The thought of not weighing till the 22nd has me nervous. I might have to take a peek on the morning of the 22nd just so I won't have a surprise at TOPS. I need to remind myself too that this is my life not just a right now thing. I seem to have to keep reminding myself of that. It's that I want to lose the weight as soon as possible but really giving my body more time to adjust isn't a bad thing either.

I don't know if I talked about that I'm trying EFT (emotional fitness training) the past month or so. I had heard of it before but really didn't know what it was. I have an email friend that got me started on it. She has a website and does a phone session almost everyday. It really has been helping me. Sort of like doing meditation, something to calm you. You tap on yourself which I thought seemed silly at first but it really does seem to work. Her website is http://loseweightwithmeandeft.ning.com/ . She's a wonderful lady with so many good things to say. I've always said that people come along in your life when you need them.

Well I better try to get some work done today before I have to leave. I'm so antsy today I can't hardly stand it lol. It feels so good having everything done at home. Cleaning the house good is very much like losing weight, when you do what you're suppose to do it just makes you feel great. It also makes you wonder why you waited so long to do it. I do think there is a connection between a clean house and weight.

I won't be back till Friday. Till then...

A busy day...

It's been a busy day but very productive. We worked on the house from morning till night. It's looking sooooo good though. I can't remember it looking this good ever. It really makes me feel good inside to know we got it done. Now to keep it this way. I sure noticed today how much my 2 kids just drag stuff out and leave it everywhere. All day I was on them to pick up after themselves. Then there is my nephew who is so helpful, never complains, does whatever I ask when I ask. I keep wondering how I have done such a good job with him in the 5 yrs he's been with us and not with my own 2. I know part of it is guilt. Guilt that I carry about my son's eating disorder and how I handled him and my daughter too. I think I'm an ok parent but I yell to much, and don't have enough patience. I can see a difference in myself since losing the weight because now at least I think I have more energy for them and also from exercise I have less anxiety and stress. But I still need to do a lot of work on my relationship with them (especially my son).

Anyway, today I don't need to think about all that. I can save all that for another day *smile*. I want to think about that today I got up and went for my Sunday 3 mile walk. I haven't exercised in a week and boy can I tell it with my mood. I was so much more calmer today. It's funny how going for a walk can feel as good to me as a pint of haagen daz use to. I try to remember when I realized that. I think it was about 2 months into walking 7 days a week. In my whole life I had never exercised enough to realize that it could have such a great effect on my mood. I can tell now when I just have to have it otherwise I will be turning to ice cream, cake, brownies or whatever I can get my hands on.

Tomorrow is the big day, my MIL gets here. Hubby has to meet her about an hour away and pick her up. She's hitching a ride with her step daughter. The kids are so excited about her visit. She is truly what a grandmother should be. The way she is with the kids reminds me of my own grandmom, I adored her. I really think them being alone with her for 3 days will be good for all of us.

So my food today was pretty good. I haven't added up my calories (let me do that now) but I think I did ok staying within my range. I must admit though I didn't get in my 5 small meals I did 3 meals today instead.

I've stayed true with not getting on the scale this week so far too. The plan is not to get on it at all till weigh-in on the 22nd at TOPS. I hope I can stick to that. With so much time in between I know I'll be tempted.

This Saturday is Fall Rally for TOPS. I'm still nervous about doing the exercises with everyone and also have several speaking parts. I think putting myself out there though is so good for my social anxieties. I'm actually looking forward to seeing everyone again that I haven't seen since April at SRD.

Oh, my best friend called again today. I still struggle with speaking my mind but I had thought about it a lot this morning during my walk and something came to mind for me. That I really don't say enough good things to her. That most of our conversations are spent talking about her crazy family or mine. So today I told her how proud of her I was for all she's accomplished in her life. I know deep down she has just as many insecurities as I do. She's a thin person, always has been but she had a tough life and I know sometimes it's nice to hear good things about yourself. We had talked about how so often the people you love the most you treat the worst. I know I'm guilty of it sometimes, I've talked to my therapist about it several times. I think working on being kinder even when you don't always feel like being makes you feel better about everything.

Well not sure if I'll get to post again till I'm back from my mini vacation. Till then.....

Taking things to heart

I don't understand why I take everything to heart so much. A total stranger can make a comment and I will dwell on it all day long, why am I that way? Why do I so often feel like what I have to say means nothing. When I try to be bolder and talk about things to people (sometimes strangers) and someone doesn't agree it seems to make me fall apart. Why can't I handle confrontation? Why do I need peoples approval?

Today I talked to my best friend. I talked about how with my sisters and with her I can't be honest. I can't say how I feel about things. She said it wasn't my sisters or her but my problem. Of course it's my problem. I didn't get to finish what I wanted to say how I couldn't deal with confrontations with any of them. It wasn't that I haven't ever been honest with them there have been times. But of course then there has been hurt feelings all around. I would just like to know why I can't speak my mind. What in the course of my life has made me that way? Always trying to keep everyone calm and happy and never rock the boat. Does it go back to my alcoholic parents? Hmmm possibly.....

Anyway, in the past 2 days I've wanted to eat and eat. I haven't went crazy and I've stayed away from the sweets but I've ate over my calories 2 days in a row by 500-600 calories. I'm sure part of it is my MIL coming to visit and having so much to do around the house. I've worked today since the moment I woke up. I think part of it might be that I've been posting on other peoples blogs too and I think it makes me nervous about speaking out. I get to wondering if I should just keep my thoughts to myself. I know everyone has their own weight loss journey. I get a lot from reading other people's blogs though.

Well it's definitely something to think about. I really do need to get myself under control. Maybe another reason I'm over eating is because hubby and I are going away Tuesday through Thursday and I know I won't be weighing in for the first time in 14 months. Of course that isn't good thinking. I'm hoping while we are away we will get in some exercise. It's going to be so beautiful with all the Fall colors. I am really looking forward to getting away.

Till tomorrow...

My mood is brighter

Today my husband called his mom and asked her to watch the kids while she's here for us and of course she said yes. So I already have our mini vacation booked and I'm feeling excited. Even with all we have left to do at the house now at least there is a reward at the end to look forward to. I'm so happy that he heard what I said last night and he did something about it. He's a good man and really it was all about me wanting to spend alone time with him so he can't be upset at me for that.

I spent some time today going through my TOPS book and writing down my monthly weight loses since the beginning. I saw that in the month of May I actually gained weight. That was the month my exercise place closed and I hadn't yet joined the gym. So what that reenforces is that really it is all about exercise AND eating right not just one or the other. I've know that and said that but there it was on paper for me to actually see.

I'm back to having a lot of anxiety. I know lack of exercise and all the pressures on me are causing it. I wish I could control it better. Of course doing some exercise would help but I've yet to do any.

Tonight I'm feeling tired but I also know I have a lot to get done before Monday so I will clean and do and try to remember in just a few days I will be in a room that has my very own swimming pool and hottub, doesn't get much better than that. If anyone has ever been to the http://www.caesarspoconoresorts.com/ they know exactly what I'm talking about. It's in Poconos PA and it is a bit cheezy but it's also so romantic and a lot of fun. I can honestly say I've not laughed that much ever in a weekend. If you ever do get to go definitely check out the X-rated Newlywed game.

It's almost quitting time and it is Friday so though I have work ahead of me I'll be glad to be heading home for a few days away from work.

My plan is to walk tomorrow and Sunday 45 mins each day at least. I haven't exercised since Saturday and I can definitely feel the difference in myself in all ways, mood and physically. I've come to realize that I definitely need exercise in my life to be the person I want to be emotionally and physically.

Nightowl

Here it is 2am and I'm up. I didn't feel good after dinner tonight, ended up getting sick then sleeping till midnight. I believe it's my gallbladder acting up. It's like a fat alarm that if it has too much it goes off. I ate some skin from the roasted chicken I had for dinner and I ate one of my son's potato wedges. That's what I get I guess. I'm suppose to have my gall bladder removed at some point but I keep trying to talk myself out of it. I set a time of January but I've yet to call the surgeon and set an actual date. I keep wishing it will just go away. But the gall stone I have has grown almost another inch in the past year. You would think eating right would make it smaller but evidently not.

I did at least make it to the grocery tonight and buy some real food. It was pretty bare here for healthy choices. It will feel good tomorrow having my fruit and yogurt again. I'm all out of my homemade protein bars though so not sure what I'll have for breakfast maybe some oatmeal with protein powder. Maybe some egg beaters on wheat toast sounds too good.

I guess I should try to get some more sleep since I do have to work tomorrow. I'm glad it's Friday. I have a million things to still get done though before my MIL's visit.

I was feeling frustrated at my husband tonight feeling like he wants me to do it all. I know that's not true but when I work cleaning for 3 hours and he works for 30 mins it does get me annoyed lol. I so wanted to get away for a few days with him and let his mom watch the kids but he was feeling guilty and wouldn't ask her. Now our time has slipped away to ask and I'm feeling upset over him never being able to ask her anything. It's been 3 years since we got to go somewhere on our own. One of the downfalls of living far from family.

I've not exercised since Saturday and I can really feel a difference in my mood, I'm grouchy and irritably and feeling a lot of old feelings of anxiety and worry. It's unbelievable how easy it creeps back in if you're not careful. I would like to believe that I am so much different than the old me but really the anxiety is just there under the surface ready to resurface if I'm not on guard.

Well I'm off to bed.

Obsessed with the scale

I'm doing the "burn the fat, feed the muscle" program these days and Tom stresses not letting the scale be the driving force. I still seem to have a problem with that. The scale has way way to much power over me. With going to TOPS weekly I really have no choice though than to let it have some control. But I really should make an effort to not check it at all during the week. To just go to weigh-in on Wednesday and let it be a surprise. Really if I'm 100% honest with myself I will know if I'm going to have a loss or not. So this week my goal is going to be no getting on the scale.

With my MIL coming in just a few days I know the next week is going to be really stressful for me getting the house ready. We are also trying to rent our rental. So another goal I made for myself today is that over the next 3 weeks my goal is to just maintain my weight.

With that all said weigh-in at TOPS went fine. I gained 0.4 lbs which I can live with. I stressed myself out for 2 days for no reason. I really believe drinking 3+ liters of water really helped flush out the added sodium I had been consuming. I've found that if I stay away from the sweets and added sodium I really don't gain weight even doing a minimum of exercise.

About exercise its been very little this week. I haven't done any since my walk on Saturday. With all I need to get done around the house I just don't have time to get to the gym. I need to make an effort this week to do at least 3 exercise things at home.

I feel relieved that I didn't gain much at TOPS and that I've taken the pressure off myself. I need to realize that when I have a lot of stressers going on in my life I don't need the added pressure of losing weight, just maintaining is enough. Again, reminding myself this is not a race this is FOR LIFE.

I didn't check the scale this morning I'll just weigh-in at TOPS tonight and try not to worry about it, it is what it is.

The family worked on the house last night. How does one family accumulate so much junk? It's crazy, I'm hoping through this declutter process we can get rid of a lot of un-needed stuff. I really believe once we get it all sorted and organized and cleaned we can definitely keep it better than in the past. When I lived alone my apt was always neat so I keep trying to blame the kids but to be honest a good amount of the clutter is mine. So I'm thinking the stress of life with kids has helped to create that. I also have realized that at 7 and 11 my two youngest are not made to do much at all. Starting next week I will create a chore chart and we WILL FOLLOW IT. I'm done with a messy house. I have more energy and I definitely will be spending some of it on keeping the house better.

Well it's back to work.

The scale, what the heck?

I just don't understand how my body functions. Seems that some things (though I can't figure out what) makes the lbs come on. Maybe it's the alcohol from Sunday who knows. Maybe I've gotten slacked in my calculating. I guess it's time to tighten the reins and get back to basics.

Anyway, I got on the scale this morning and it says I've gained 4 lbs, what the heck. I don't know how that's possible since I definitely haven't slacked off that much. Anyway, today is water water water to try and flush some of it out. Maybe it's the added sodium I ate yesterday.

I found someone else's weight loss journal, she's having a 1 habit a week challenge so this week it's water so it all works out I think.

I talked about more veggies yesterday too then I did nothing about it last night ended up eating a baked potato and cream corn with my meatloaf, what was I thinking? Then I had a piece of cold pizza about 2 hours before bed. I am clearly slacking as I write all this out. I get back into my old thinking sometimes that if I'm not over calories (which I wasn't) then it's ok to eat what I want. I need it to be one cheat meal a week and that's it, no more. No cold pizza at 9 at night.

It's about allowing yourself to do that stuff. Sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I'm slacked. I need to get tough with myself though for sure. I think part of it is all the stress on me over the past few weeks and the next few weeks to come. I'm clearly doing some emotional eating even though I don't want to believe it. I haven't had as much exercise this week either.

Tomorrow is weigh-in at TOPS so I'm hoping I can get off at least a few of these 4 extra lbs. I still can't believe it's that many true lbs. Tonight hubby and I go to the gym so maybe that will help with my stress level.

I think tonight I need to sit down too and make a plan. Get myself under control and have a plan of action for all I have to get done in the next two weeks. With my MIL coming to visit I think that's the big stresser for me. I need to keep reminding myself she is coming to see us not the house.

Why am I such a procrastinator? My husband is too, what the heck is that about? I wonder if everyone is like that, or are most people on the ball and get things done in a more timely fashion.

Anyway, I'm going to make a plan and go with it. I'm going to get back on track.

Why not to go to a wine festival...

Yesterday I went to a wine festival with my hubby. I ended up drunk and sick. I'm really not much of a drinker. I'm not even sure how I ended up so drunk lol. I mean they were dishing out just sips of the stuff but I guess I had a LOT of sips. Anyway, I paid for it after I got home. What a miserable night. I got to work late this morning and have felt like crap all day. Anyway, I learned my lesson for sure, no more wine fests for me anytime soon lol.

The one cool thing that happened though was I saw an old coworker I hadn't seen in about 6 yrs. He actually didn't know it was me. I worked with this guy like 12 yrs so for him not to recognize me was a shock. Kind of cool though that I look that much different now.

On the food front I'm just not eating enough veggies. I feel like my whole diet consists of fruits, starchy veggies, whole grains, protein, lowfat dairy. I'm not a salad eater so it's hard fitting more in. I'm going to make an effort tonight to eat a veggie with dinner. I just don't like many veggies is my problem.

Well the kids are getting off the bus in a minute so I better get going.

Indigestion

I'm not sure why I woke up this morning with indigestion. I got up made myself a protein shake (milk and protein powder) and drank about half of it. Before I knew it was in the bathroom throwing it up, what the heck. I tried drinking the other half and again I was in the bathroom. I didn't feel sick either. Anyway, I just got dressed and went for my 45 min walk down my favorite road. It comes out at the Chesapeake bay. My walk started out cold and looking like rain and by the time I was heading back it was beautiful and sunny. I did finally eat some lunch.

I'm working on decluttering/cleaning the house today. My mother-in-law is coming to visit in 10 days and she hasn't been here in 3 yrs so I would like the house to look in tip top shape. I know I'll feel a lot better once the house is in great shape too. I think about how I've lived through my life and how that must play into who I am and how I feel. I mean I do think our homes are a reflection of our minds. If we live in clutter then our minds are probably cluttered too. I think part of my clutter now is having 3 kids. But I know I could definitely do more to keep things straighter.

I feel like I'm always thinking, probably too much.

New workout routine

Today hubby and I tried out the new workout routine from "The Book of Muscle". It really worked us out good. It made me realize that in the 4 months the trainer has been working with us she hasn't really been progressing us along other than with the sizes of weights but not really with different exercises. She's a busy single mom of 5 so I know she doesn't really have the time to invest in us. Anyway, I'm thinking maybe we don't need her anymore. I also bought a book called "Muscle Chow" that came today. It's sort of a cookbook but with also a few chapters with an actual food plan. I'm currently doing BFFM and it seems to follow right along with it so I think it will be a good book for a lot of new recipes.

I'm still reading a bunch of blogs online. I can't believe how many there are. I found one earlier today but can't find it again now. I think I book marked it at work so I can find it on Monday and try to remember it. It was a guy that had weighed a lot and has lost 157 lbs since January. That's just amazing he's lost that much so fast. When he said he was eating 1590 calories I was shocked. I wish I could tell him that you can't live off of such low calories and think you can continue that for life. Everyone wants to get the weight off super quick. I guess some might lose it that way and then get to a point of adjusting what they are doing but I keep thinking about what have they done to their metabolism doing that.

A lot of my PBQ ladies do that and I keep wanting to tell them you can't keep that up please eat more and exercise. I think so many people want to lose the weight without exercising. I'm not sure if this guy was exercising or not from his picture it looked like he was but I kept thinking how was he still going with such little food. I'm interested in reading more about him. I find it very interesting how people have gotten the weight off.

I think too people aren't fixing their minds. That is the problem with people that have been fat or are fat. We clearly have emotional issues going on that make us eat that way and turn to food. But people think they can just go on some quick plan diet, lose the weight and then everything will be fine and dandy. I think some people do need to get the weight off quicker since some have big time medical issues but I also think they should be in therapy during the time of weight lose too. I know I don't have all the answers. I know I could start to gain my 110 lbs back tomorrow. But I do know during this journey I've learned a lot of things and the biggest being without my head on straight I'll never keep the weight off or continue to take more off.

Ok, off my soap box. I know I'm not some all seeing/knowing weight loss guru. I'm just a mom, wife, employee, daughter, sister, friend that has lose some weight and wants desperately to share all she knows with others.

Well I'm beat so think I'm going to head off to bed.

I thought I would put up a before and now picture

Since making my before and after picture I seem to keep opening it up and thinking is that really me in the before picture. I must admit it's like one of the worst pictures of me and goodness where did I get that outfit lol. But it is a full view picture which I found really hard to find. I have hidden from the camera all my life. But my husband seems determined to take pictures and it seems he's always catching me not looking my best lol. Anyway, I guess I never thought of myself as looking "that" bad but I guess I did.

I'm still reading weight loss blogs and I've come to realize that all the ones I've read have success stories though most didn't start out that way. They started out with a person just wanting to lose weight. What that makes me realize is that the blog helped them in some way to get to their goal. I'm guessing the main thing was accountability. I've come to realize that without accountability no one can lose the weight and keep it off. If you try to keep it all a big secret it will eventually fall apart because what you're telling yourself is "I'm going to fail at this so I'm not going to tell anyone what I'm doing".

I think for me TOPS has been my accountability and also my coworker. I have my goal lose posted on his white board. It's been there since almost day one of my journey. Each week I wait till he gets in on Thursday and while he watches I change the number up on down depending on how I did the night before at weigh-in. It's not about what he thinks it's about knowing each week I will be doing that. I will be weighing in at TOPS with my group of ladies and also posting it on that white board.

I'm glad it's Friday. I switched gym nights so tonight hubby and I will go to the gym.

I realized something today. It was a huge ah ha moment. Why I never put it together before I don't know. I haven't really talked a lot about my family but I have 2 older sisters. Both with some big emotional problems. I love them both but I've struggled all my life with my relationship with them both. Since taking my nephew 5 yrs ago my one sister and I have been pretty astranged. In the past 2 yrs when we have seen each other we have gotten along fine. I think with her I've let go a most things because of her mental illness. Of course she doesn't think she's mentally ill and really it doesn't matter.

Then there is my other sister, who has had anger problems always. We haven't hardly spoken in a year and a half. She hasn't seen me since I've lost weight. She had gastric bypass surgery several years ago and is now starting to gain some weight back after about a 120 lb lose (down to about 215).

Then there is my best friend of 32 yrs that I have put into the sister catagory in the past few years because she told me I was more like a sister than a best friend and I got to thinking maybe she was right.

Anyway, she called me today at work to ask a computer question. Then she went on to tell me all the things that have been going on in her life (she has a truly crazy life). As I was talking to her and so many times before when I have talked to her I wonder why she creates such drama in her life. Why she feels the need to have all that turmoil I can't figure out. Anyway, to my point of this, when I got off the phone with her I felt like I wanted to run up front and dig into the punch size chocolate bowl up there and eat every piece. I was full of anxiety and I couldn't figure out why. Then as I talked to my coworker it came to me. It was because I wasn't able to be honest enough with my friend to tell her what I thought. That I held my feelings to myself in fear of her getting angry. Just like I did with both my sisters. I've been stuffing my feelings with food when I deal with all of them.

I had a falling out with my best friend a few years ago and things haven't been the same since then. I actually stood up to her and said what I thought and felt. I've come to realize that my dealing with people and my fear of confrontation or conflict has held me hostage. I've talked about this quite a bit in therapy but I never made the real connection till today. I do know that through this last 14 months of losing weight I've had very limited dealings with both my sisters and my best friend. I think it's probably been good for me. I do believe though that with all I've realized that I can still have a relationship with them because I've realized even if I don't say how I feel I don't have to eat over it either. I don't have to let the anxiety I feel push me to eat. It's in my hands. I do miss talking to my best friend. That has been something missing for me during this big change in my life. I'd like to think we can get back to a relationship that is better than it was before because we have both grown.

So there's my thoughts for the day.

Back at it...

Well I'm back to work and back to exercise after a week off from being sick. I can definitely feel th difference in my body and mood of no exercise for a whole week. At TOPS last night I gained a lb. Not unexpected after my 4.4 lb lose last week. Oh well, I can live with that.

I bought a new book called "The Book of Muscle", I've read about 20 pages so far and I'm getting a lot out of it. I'm reading about the different types of muscles everyone has. I'm hoping it will give me some direction with my weight training workouts.

Tonight I tried my "Just My Size" yoga DVD. I had tried it when I was a 100 lbs heavier and couldn't do much of it at all. Tonight I did the whole thing and really didn't feel like I got much out of it. But I at least did something. Probably should have just did the Wii Fit for 30 mins.

My mother-in-law is coming to visit in a few weeks. She saw me about 25 lbs ago so I think she'll notice a difference. I know she'll notice a difference in hubby too since he's lost about 35 lbs since she last saw him.

There's so much work to do around the house. I guess I can look at it as extra exercise. It will feel good to get the house in tip top shape.

I went to therapy yesterday. We talked about how much mentally stronger I am than I use to be. Kind of funny that getting more physically stronger has helped me get more mentally stronger too. I think it goes hand in hand though. It's about realizing how capable you are physically and that flowing into your mental state. A really good feeling.

I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning too and actually feeling pretty. I hate looking at myself naked but with clothes on I'm starting to think I look pretty good. I was looking at some old pictures of myself and even though I've always put on make-up everyday I just couldn't find to many that I actually thought I looked pretty in. I just think fat hides beauty. I've always heard that line "such a pretty face" but maybe there was some truth in that.

I keep thinking why am I bothering to sit here and write to myself lol. I doubt anyone will come across this. I guess it's more for me to put my thoughts down. I have plenty of thoughts good and bad.

Well it's almost 11 so I guess I better think about going to bed.