Before and After

Before and After

Friday, April 30, 2010


Well I'm feeling GOOD today! Yesterday was a great day with food and exercise. Not having any stomach pain and eating the timed meals has made all the difference. The scale was showing me down several lbs this morning, I'll definitely take it. I'm hoping by Wednesday I will have a great weigh-in.

Got a call from the doctors office, have a CT scan scheduled for next Friday morning. I will be glad to know what's wrong with me. I probably waited way to long to get a scan but I'm cheap what can I say lol. Maybe it's something not serious at all and will be easy to fix. I'm hopeful and relieved to just be moving to the next step.

I did put in a 2 hour workout last night but didn't run just walked on a big incline. I could feel some tightness in my lower stomach so didn't want to shake things up. I figure after next week I'll know what I can and can't do. But for now I will just play it by ear on how I'm feeling. This weekend I plan on getting in plenty of walking, maybe a hike around the lake would be nice.

I still never heard from my sister. I think I will try calling one more time this weekend and if she doesn't answer I will just send a card. I'm not upset over it anymore she has her own reason and I'm not a mind reader. I'm over the whole TOPS lady thing too and it seems the group is emailing again talking about new things we can do so I think it was a positive thing that happened.

Not sure if I mentioned that the drywall man came the other day and mudded, wooo hoooo. Not sure when he's coming back to do it again but at least we are making progress. Mike and Kevin got the door back up in the diningroom too and got most of the trim painted and got the furniture put back. Hopefully we can finish that up this weekend. Maybe I'll go buy some new curtains too.

I have nothing planned for the weekend other than Marie's soccer game tomorrow. I'm hoping to get some more gardening done, still need to do the front of the house and the front yard. I love doing that stuff so will be nice to be out and about in the sunshine. It's suppose to be a hot but nice weekend here.

Thanks so much for all the great comments yesterday I really appreciate each of you so much. I'm hoping I'll get in some extra blogging time this weekend too. Feel like I have a lot of catching up to do with everyone. Hope everyone has a terrific weekend.

Till next time...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thursday and Recommitting

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I found myself out of sorts. I found myself feeling sad and down. I woke up feeling exhausted. I made the decision to stay home. I typed an email to the boss from my itouch in bed and I went back to sleep. I woke up at 11am and got ready for my last appt with my therapist. I wrapped his gift and wrote in his card and I just felt sad.

I got in the van and drove to his house. I felt better once I got there. He was surprised by my gift and really loved it and was touched by the card. We talked about the kids, my sister, my mom, lots of things. I didn't cry though a part of me wanted to knowing I wouldn't be sitting in his house again looking out at the water talking to someone I considered a dear friend, someone who has made a huge difference in my life. I will call him again though I am sure of that. He's meant too much to me to just walk away forever. At the end of our session I asked for a hug and I told him thank you for everything.

After that I went and got my hair done. I've known my hair lady forever it seems, 20 some years now. It was nice catching up with her since we hadn't seen each other in a good long time. After that I went home and waited for the family to get home.

Then Mike and I went to TOPS. Not many showed up this week. I'm hoping next week when J is back we can have a good discussion meeting about what everyone would like from their TOPS meetings. I have hope this whole thing that happened with the lady has just been an opportunity to improve our little group and make it better. I will do my best to be the best leader I can be. That's all I can do. As for the scale, I was up 2.25 lbs this week putting me at 181.8 lbs. It's hard for me to admit that but I really think I need to because otherwise it's like I'm hiding and hiding gets me no where. That is 6 lbs up from my lowest.

So it's Thursday and a new day for me to recommit to myself and my health. I've been slacking in all areas and it's showing on the scale. In my mind I've made excuses but the bottom line is I've been breaking my own rules and haven't been investing in myself the way I should be. So today is the day to get back to basics and get my butt in gear.

I've realized in my time of getting healthy that it's the little things that push you forward or drag you back. It's every little thought and choice good or bad that pushes you in the direction you want to go or away from it. I'm tired of the bad thinking and bad choices and ready for the good. I've come way to far to let myself slip back into old habits or old thinking.

So today when I was in the kitchen fixing lunches for the kids I didn't eat those 2 peanut butter and jelly crackers I have been eating the past month or so. I didn't pop in a pretzel or two either. I just made the lunches. I also didn't go and lay back down in the bed like I've been doing saying to myself "just 15 more mins won't hurt". I got my butt in the shower and I got myself ready for work.

Then I packed my lunch. I usually throw extra in my lunch box just in case. But this morning I thought about my 4 mini meals I would be having at work and I only put in the food for each of them.

When I got here to work (on time for a change) I went to the kitchen and made my hot tea and my bottle of water. I also took a look at the Panera Bread coffee cake and mini scones my boss had brought in. There wasn't my usual 1/2 of bagel to be had so I just said "pass" in my mind and went back to my desk. I ate my protein bar and drank my tea and I felt in control. After all I am in control of everything I do, it is in MY HANDS.

I'm timing my meals today. I'm eating on a schedule. I know that is what gets the weight off me, every 2 - 2 1/2 hours eating a mini meal and really enjoying it. Eating a healthy protein and some healthy carbs. I'm excited to be doing this again because recommitting to myself is the most important thing I can do.

Tonight I will go to the gym and I will commit to having a good workout. It might not be as long or as hard as it once was but it will be a GOOD workout that makes me feel well and healthy. It will make me know I am in control of myself. There's no gremlin on my shoulder telling me to eat candy or not workout it's just me, me, me.

If I do this EVERYDAY the lbs that have crept back on will creep right back off. I know how to do this, I know how to treat myself well. I love me and that's the bottom line, loving myself and knowing I'm worth it.

Ok enough of all the self talk. Rereading that I'm kind of laughing at myself but I do know that's what it takes, that "rah rah rah you can do it Dawn" talk. Today is a new day after all and I can be happy or I can be in a funk, all up to me. I choose happy.

Till tomorrow...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Second Week Of Step Challenge

Well week 2 of the challenge is now over. I'm going to list here what I have so far. If you have numbers for this week you can still get them into me and I will update this post.

What I have so far:

skinnyhollie - Hollie is doing a non-official personal minutes challenge so I will continue to post her improvements weekly so she can stay motivated. Week 1 was 4 days and 130 mins and week two was 105 mins over 3 days so that is actually a daily improvement of 2.5 mins if you average the days. Way to go Hollie. Also this week Hollie has been working on project healthy family (think she calls it something else) and has been packing lunches for her kids and only having healthy foods in the house. Double way to go on this Hollie since I know how hard it can be.

spunkysuzi - 10924 average steps first week and 10840 average steps last week. Beautiful flower and walking pictures as always. I love that it's Spring time finally. Way to go on your goals for the week and getting in all those steps. You're doing a great job keeping up with all that walking. I need lessons from you *smile*. You talk about getting a walk in EVERYDAY, I need to work on that. Great job Suzi.

Sandra - 10823 average steps first week and 8685 average steps last week. Love reading about all your walks and C25K. Sometimes I wish I had a Katie to walk with *smile*. Hope your hip is feeling better and good luck at the gym tonight on your own. Great job Sandra.

Blue - 5021 average steps first week. Blue had some medical issues last week with dizziness so she just got back to the walking today. Way to go Blue. Hope you continue to have a bounce in your step from the new shoes. I know when I got my first good pair of shoes I called them my walking shoes and they sure made me feel like I had a bounce in my step too. Loved your post on goal setting this week too. Keep up the great work.

Gofer - 5152 average steps first week and 5954 last week. Great job upping your steps Gofer. I loved reading about your bike ride with your hubby, makes me want to go get a bike too. Wish there was a place for the kids and I to ride one that wasn't on the road. Maybe it's time for a camping trip down the road. Anyway, great job.

Shane - 8912 average steps first week. Hope to see your new count for last week after such a great first week. Read your blog and great job on the workouts.

MaryFran - 6360 average steps first week. MaryFran had a medical thing happen last week too so she was unable to exercise for several days. If you are still wearing your pedometer MaryFran please give me next weeks number. The challenge was that if you missed more than 2 days that week didn't count but it doesn't mean you are out of the challenge. So keep on running and walking and counting those steps.

Single Sassy and Saved - 14375 average steps first week and 12492 last week. Great numbers HerBrina! Loved reading your confessions this week I could SOOO identify with a lot of them. Enjoyed listening to your video too. Way to go on your 2 lbs gone forever. You are just doing terrific.

The TOPS Lady - 7998 average steps first week and 8514 last week. Great improvement this week Amy. Sorry I confused you with my recent posts I should have thought about that and worded myself better lol. Keep up the great work.

Dutch - 6697 average steps first week and 9623 last week. Great job on another lose this week, 31.6 lbs is just terrific. Sounds like things are busy busy for you the next week or two but should be lots of fun with your party and all. Hope you had a good time meeting your new nephew. Keep up the great work on all those steps, great improvement this week.

Steph - 10563 average steps first week and 10809 steps last week. You are doing great with your steps Steph. Hope you have a great time out with the girls for your Birthday. Way to go on the 1.5 lb loss. Great pictures this week Steph, loved seeing the UK even in the rain. Keep up the great work.

Me - 6318 average steps first week and 6330 steps last week. Not the number I wanted to see but I'll take it. I think I need to work more on walking EVERYDAY at least a little bit to improve my overall average.

If I am missing anyone please just let me know. I know the people that aren't in the challenge are still doing well pursuing their healthy lifestyles and getting in that exercise. I know sometimes adding something extra is just to much work and I do understand. I'm still reading your blogs though and rooting you on (hear that Dana, Katie, Trina, Wrightfamily, Wendy, Lainey and thefifthsparrow).

As for me, I'm hanging in there. Working on the medical stuff. Went this morning for my fasting blood test. The doctor also had a note in my chart that she wants me to have a cat scan which I was going to ask for anyway. So I feel like I'm moving forward in making sure I'm ok and if not doing the things I need to sort it out.

Since I've been laying off the long weight training workouts the stomach is feeling better. I was able to run 30 mins on the treadmill last night and walk/jog 2.5 miles tonight. The running is making my ankle hurt a little but so far I'm feeling pretty good. I really would love to run the 5K in June with Kevin if at all possible.

Well as for Kevin he is now thinking of the Navy instead of the Marines. My next door neighbor's son is a Navy recruiter and it sounds like a much better deal for Kevin to join the Navy instead. So who knows how it will all turn out. I'm just doing my best to stay calm which is not always easy for me to do. Tonight when I got home from work I found myself going on at him about it all. I finally just kicked my own butt out the door for a walk so I wouldn't have to hear myself talk anymore lol.

Tomorrow is my final therapy session. To say final sounds scary to me. He has told me I can call and talk if ever need be but he is retiring. I feel sad about not seeing him anymore. He has been in and out of my life for over 6 yrs now helping me and Kevin. I think he has played a key role in where I am today. I hope tomorrow I can convey that to him without being a blubbering mess. Yesterday I went shopping for a gift. I decided on a painting. It's of a chair sitting out on a sand bar. The sand bar looks almost like the one that he can see from his office window (his office is at his house). It says "Sand Bar Hopping" and I thought it was perfect. I need to stop writing about this before I'm crying. I will miss him for sure.

I also go tomorrow and get a perm in my hair. From my before pictures you can see that was the norm for me. I've been missing the curly hair and wondering what it will look like on my skinnier face. I figure if I totally hate it I can always wash it quickly so it will fall out. I'm hoping though I will like it and so will everyone else. I just want to try something new.

I went to bed at 8 tonight so here I sit at 2 in the morning unable to sleep. As long as I stay out of the kitchen I should be fine. I think after I post this I will try to go back to bed. I've been feeling really tired the past several days and the scale has been up. I'm thinking that TTOM is coming.

I thought I had more to write about but I guess not.

Till next time...

Monday, April 26, 2010

It's not always about me

I can't tell you how many times I've said that to myself or heard others say it. It's true though it sure isn't always about me. But I'm good at turning things around to make it seem like they are. The whole TOPS lady thing has bugged me all weekend. I've spent WAY to much brain power on it but yet I can't seem to just let it go. Then I have the Kevin stuff on top of that and now sister stuff too. It just seems like I want to play the victim lately. I sure know I'm not a victim. I sure know I have the power to say what I feel and talk about things. With the TOPS lady I think I handled it all well. I know we will probably never cross paths again unless it's by accident and that's ok with me because I realize she doesn't know me and I really don't know her. I did like her and thought she liked me but I think things can happen that can change that.

With Kevin I know we will just move forward and I will support him in his decisions the best way I know how. I think I've said everything I wanted to and I feel good about that. Hopefully he will stay safe and I will try not to worry because these are his life choices and I have no power over them. I will pray for him when he leaves and celebrate when he returns.

With my sister, in a few weeks it is her Birthday. It is also Mother's day so I thought I would kill 2 birds with one stone and take my mom and sister out to lunch/dinner with a visit to Baltimore. But I can't predict how things will be received and for whatever reason I don't think my sister wants to talk to me or see me. I will try phoning her again but the last call I got voice mail and left a long rambling nice msg about wanting to see her and take her out for her Birthday. So far it's been met with silence though my mother had called to tell me she's spoke with my sister and she's saying she's very sick and not up for a visit. Though my visit is weeks off she's already decided that. Sooo I will try calling again and if I'm met with voice mail again I will just leave a nice msg and then just send a card. I'm not a mind reader and again it's not always about me.

My weight is up, yes I am stress eating. With the stomach issues I'm not able to workout as hard as I'm use to either so it's not a good combination at all to relieve my stress and anxiety. But I'm hanging in there and talking to myself and I do realize that getting through this period might cost me a few lbs up but I will eventually conquer my feelings and get myself back under control because that part is all about me and it is in my hands.

I went for a walk/jog yesterday. Think I jogged about 20 mins straight and I didn't experience any pain so I'm thinking maybe I will be able to run that 5K in June after all. I'm hopeful the possible hernia isn't the case. I go tomorrow for a blood test that the doctor called and asked for. I'm thinking maybe she thinks I am having sugar issues and maybe I am. When I started this journey I was pre-diabetic and maybe in spite of bettering my health I'm still having issues there. I probably should do some reading on diabetes and see what I can find.

I also think I'm going to ask her to schedule a cat scan for me or whatever test is needed to find out if I do have a hernia. I've not talked about it but my insurance changed yet again this year and has only gotten worse with a now $5700 deductible. So any test or anything medical gives me heart burn to think about. But I know I need to just go and do what is needed to make sure I'm ok.

I also made an appt with my urologist but there wasn't an available appt till end of June. So in the meantime I think a scan would be a good idea. I had kidney stones several years back that infected one of my kidneys and I had to have lipsotripsy (sp?) to have them busted up so I am a bit concerned maybe they have grown back. They are the type that grow inside the kidney and can cause kidney damage if not caught in time. Anyway, I'm being proactive in my health and that's all I can do at this point. I'm hopeful I can figure out whatever is wrong and then go about fixing it.

I had a really good weekend. Saturday I just hung around the house since Marie's relay races were postponed. Her and I put a puzzle together and then also planted about 50 flowers in my flower boxes and in the yard. Everything is in bloom and looking nice. I love Spring time.

Yesterday I went for my walk/jog in the afternoon then went to the neighbors house for an "unmentionable" party lol. It was a lot of fun, she's so crazy. I definitely ate way to much though which always seems to be the case at her house. After that her mom and I went and played bingo. I hadn't been in years and it was a lot of fun. I ended up winning $34, cost me $32 to play lol so at least I broke even. It was just nice getting out and laughing and talking.

Well week 2 of our step challenge is over. I've only gotten a few emails with step amounts. So just reminding you all to get your numbers into to me by end of today. I totalled up my numbers and ended up with an average of just 12 more steps this week than last week lol. Not the best but it is an improvement so I'll take it. Had I walked more a few of the days it would have been much higher but I was a bit of a slacker several days getting in under 2000 steps, ekkk. I'm looking forward to seeing how everyone else did, hopefully a bit better than me. I'll be posting the weeks tally tomorrow.

Well I better get to work before the boss man comes to find out why I'm typing so much lol

Also thanks so much for all the sweet helpful comments on my last post. You all are just great.

Till tomorrow...

Friday, April 23, 2010


I'm sure I've used that title before. It seems I struggle on and off often. I guess it's a lot of things but mainly just letting people's words affect me. Not sure why I can't just think them through and move on. But for the past 2 days all I've wanted to do was eat. I also felt totally exhausted and ended up coming home yesterday taking a 3 hour nap then staying up till 2:30am. What the heck. Why can't I go to bed at a reasonable hour at night?

Anyway, I got an email from one of my TOPS members. She has decided to quit coming to TOPS. She says she feels my meetings lecture about what people aren't doing. She then said that was the reason some of the other members weren't coming either. It all was a shock since just a few weeks back she was the one that said we should just keep all the officers the same this year, meaning I would remain the leader. I would have thought if I wasn't doing a decent job she would have wanted me out of the leader position. I believe she's upset over something else. I'm not going to go into what but I definitely think it's the something else. I did email her back and apologize and ask if she had any suggestions of how I could make the meetings better. I have a feeling I won't hear back from her. Regardless, it's upsetting to me to think her and/or anyone else feels I'm just lecturing/preaching to them. I really felt like I was just supplying information. Sharing what I've done to get where I am.

When I talked to Mike about it he got SOOOO mad and told me not to worry about it. That he feels people get mad for one reason and then lash out to just hurt the person they are mad at. I don't know if that's true in this case but I talked to my coworker that goes to my TOPS meeting also and she felt the same way Mike did that it was something else not about how I've been doing the meetings. No matter though it has me eating crazy and not able to let it go.

Also, I'm having stomach issues again. I'm sick to death of the stomach trouble. I feel like if I would give up the weight lifting maybe it would be ok. It seems to be what flares it up all the time. Problem is the weight lifting is what makes me feel the best mentally. So I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place. I'm talking about running now too but with the pain in my lower stomach it's just not going to be possible on a consistent basis. I keep thinking the doctor is right and I have a small hernia. I just don't want to be cut on again now. I kept telling myself if there was a hernia I could just get it taken care of if I had plastic surgery next year. But I don't know if I can wait that long.

Anyway, so many thoughts and things going through my head. Plus Kevin and him joining the Marines this week. I'm sick of it all and just wanting to bury my face in the chocolate bowl. I plan on not whining though and going to the gym tonight even if it's just to ride the recumbent bike for awhile. I just need to do something. I'm tired of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I know I'm the maker of my life and I am the only one that can change things that are bothering me. I can't play the victim when I know I can and should stand up for myself or at least move on from things I know I'm not at fault for. I also know not everyone will like me. I have to be ok with that and not play the people pleaser.

As for my steps, it seems one day I do terrific and the next I'm lucky to get 2500 steps. Hopefully it will all even out in the wash. Hope everyone else is doing well. I need to make my rounds and check in on you all. I look forward to seeing all your great numbers on Monday.

Marie has her school relay races tomorrow, she's very excited. Hope she runs well. She has to miss her soccer game though but she doesn't seem to upset over that. The coach has cut down to one practice a week, she's pretty bummed about that.

I don't have anything else planned this weekend other than some house work and trying to get Mike and Kevin in gear and finish the diningroom. The guy for the drywall still hasn't come. I sure hope this week he will. I'm SOOOO ready to have the diningroom and bathroom done.

Till tomorrow...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Well I did it

I've talked about it FOREVER it seems and I finally just did it. I signed Kevin and I up for a 5K. It's in support of funding for summer camp for kids in my county and that sounds like a great cause to me. It's not till June 5th so I will have time to try to become a runner by then. My goal will be just to try to run the whole distance. I know I have it in me to run 30 mins so a few more than that should be doable.

My new goal is going to be 30 mins of running at least 3 times a week. I will start at the 4.2 I went at the other day and shoot to move that up to at least 4.5 by June. Would be nice to make that 5.0 but I'm not going to push it. I will continue slow and just move at a steady pace.

Today I go to the gyn (I know TMI for you men lol). It will be a new doctor (female) and I am totally dreading it since I haven't been in over 2 yrs. I haven't been for a mammogram in that long either and my mother had breast Cancer. I'm just not good with that sort of thing, would rather avoid. I do have a referral for the mammogram so I should just do it. The doctor called 2 days ago too and said she wanted me to come in for a fasting blood test. Not sure what that's about but I guess I need to do that too. Weird that I've gotten pretty healthy and I feel like I'm falling apart now lol.

Yesterday I realized that it was Tony's (Anti-Jared) exercise challenge day. I had committed to 60 mins of any kind of exercise so I wasn't going to fall down on the job so I went to the gym even though every part of me wanted to rest. I put in 65 mins on the recumbent bike and though I felt it was rather lame I pedaled 23.5 miles and that's not to shabby I guess. Thanks Tony for the extra motivation.

Tonight is TOPS and I'm dreading weigh-in. I hate that even in maintenance the scale seems to rule me. It seemed my weight had just started falling again finally and now it's hopped back up to 179. Whatever. Such is life. I know how to lose weight so I guess I just need to get in that mode awhile to drop these few lbs back off. I don't have a program planned tonight for the meeting so not sure what we will be talking about. Goodness I need to get organized.

Well I better get going.

Till tomorrow...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

First Week Of The Challenge

Well everyone is doing a great job with the challenge. I'm going to leave things open for people that haven't gotten their numbers into me yet to still do so by the end of today. I am not the best with organizational skills lol so it's possible too that I could have missed someones numbers. I'm going to list here what I have so far. I did get some msgs and emails from people about pedometer troubles. I'm sorry any of you had to go through that. My TOPS group has struggled with that too with the cheap pedometers. I think a small investment into a good one isn't a bad idea for any that really want to do this long term.

Well onto what I have so far:

skinnyhollie - Hollie had pedometer trouble but wants to do a non-official personal minutes challenge so I will post her improvements weekly so she can stay motivated (hear that Hollie *smile*). 4 days and 130 mins total of walking this week. Way to go Hollie.

spunkysuzi - 10924 average steps this week. Can't wait to see more walking pictures, you're so good with the camera. Loved the picture of you yesterday. Great job Suzi.

Sandra - 10823 average steps this week. Wow on those 18607 steps on Sunday you are putting me to shame. All your exercise sounds amazing too, you are really doing a lot. As for the food I still struggle with it too, for me it's all about my mindset. Great job Sandra.

Blue - 5021 average steps this week. Way to go Blue. I'm so proud of you, you're doing terrific. I know how tough starting to walk is I definitely remember those days. I loved your pictures this week. Hope the blisters are better today. I use to do the Leslie Sansone tapes all the time, love them. Keep up the great work.

F. Mcbutter Pants - Ok woman, out of the funk. I'm missing ya Dana. I've been in a bit of a funk myself lately. We need each other to get out of it you know. Did you wear your pedometer for the week? Sounds like you've been getting plenty of walking in. Give me an update ok? *hugs*

Katie - Katie how are you? Reading your blog sounds like you've been very busy. Looks like a great weekend you had too. Are you still in the challenge? Hope so.

Gofer - 5152 average steps this week. I so get about the office job and not walking much, I'm lucky to average 1500 from 8-4pm every work day. But it looks like you're moving more like me and we will definitely improve our numbers over the next 8 weeks, I'm sure of it. Way to go on the 3 lbs down too and starting back up your blog. I am reading, loved your post about running with your dog yesterday.

Shane - 8912 average steps this week. Glad you had a great workout last night (me too). It always helps with the funk feeling. You're looking great, wow 4+ inches off the waist that's terrific. You should be really proud of yourself. Hope back to work is going ok. Here's to a great week for both of us. Great job on the steps too.

Losing200toLive - Trina I'm sorry you're going through so much lately but I'm here for you if you need me. Your post today sounded more hopeful. Hang in there things will get better. *big big hugs*

MaryFran - 6360 average steps this week. You and I are right about the same with our average steps. Hopefully this challenge is going to help us both with the blahs. Hang in there I think you are doing just fine. Way to go on the nice weight loss too, 89 lbs gone is terrific. I'm so proud of you.

Wright Family Fun - Not sure I have the right blog link for ya. Love the pics of your little one though, adorable. Are you still in the challenge?

Wendy - Wendy how are you doing? Haven't heard from you this week and have no way to contact ya. Hope you're ok. Check in ok?

Single Sassy and Saved - 14375 average steps this week. Wow, HerBrina that's a lot of steps this week, terrific. I'm looking forward to seeing what that number looks like in 7 more weeks *smile*. I definitely can see the difference in your pictures too, great job. Oh and that fish looked extra yummy this week.

The TOPS Lady - 7998 average steps this week. Amy, loved the picture of you on Friday. Sorry to hear you and your family are sick, hope you're feeling better today. Great job on the steps this week.

Dutch - 6697 average steps this week. Wow, on those 6 lbs gone, you are doing terrific. Sorry to hear you've been feeling sick lately hope you figure out what's going on. Exercise always makes me feel better.

Lainey - Sorry I had your link wrong last week. Sorry your leg is hurting and that the kittie had to go to the vets. Hang in there things will get better. I think its about thinking good thoughts too. Taking a road trip sounds like a cool idea maybe it's just what you need. So did you get a pedometer? If not maybe you could do like Hollie is and just count minutes of walking. At least it would give you something to do.

The Fifth Sparrow
-How's the walking going ? I hope well. Glad you're feeling good about the walking. If you post your minutes walked this week I can put them up here so you can try to beat your number next week. It won't be in the official challenge but I think you might like having it in print and something to shoot for. Good to have you back too, I've missed ya.

Steph - Hi Steph, how did the week go for you? From your Sunday post on your blog I get 10563 for your average steps this week. Is that correct? Way to go on all that walking you are doing terrific. Hope weigh-in went ok yesterday. You are doing great don't worry about the scale as much as just feeling better (talking to myself here too).

Me - 6318 average steps for the week. I know I can do better this week and I'm already working on it. I think my number was so low because I was home a few days too and just less active. I'm looking forward to a good week this week.

If I got anything wrong or didn't post something please let me know and I will fix it. I hope this is helping to challenge everyone I know it is me. I find myself walking extra just to add to my step count.

Yesterday was a really crazy day for me. Work went fine but when I got home with the kids Kevin wasn't home. He's not in lacrosse anymore (got cut from the team for saying F you to his coach a few weeks ago). I feel like he's been doing a lot better with everything and I thought he was communicating more with us.

Saturday was his senior prom and him and his new girlfriend looked so nice. I feel like she's a good thing for him and lets him be himself. Anyway, yesterday he wasn't home when I got there. He is to tell us when he's taking the van so we know where he is. So I call his cell phone and ask where he is. He hesitates a minute and then says "I'm signing up for the Marines". Well I can't say I was floored by this but it was a bit of a surprise. I told him we would talk when he got home.

So after he got home I just calmly told him I was disappointed he didn't feel he could talk to me about this before he went and did it. That it hurt me to be his parent for 7 yrs and him not be able to sit down and tell me what he wants for his life. I told him I would always love him and would support him in his decisions even if I didn't always agree with them. But it really did hurt me.

After our talk I was full of anxiety. The thought of him possibly going to war scares me to death. I hoped he would go to college, get a good job, have a family and live a good life. Now it's all uncertain and it makes me scared. But it is his life and I think Kevin has it in him to succeed at anything he puts his mind to. I just hope this is really what he wants. I really don't think he's thought it through. I think he's 18 and just wants to be on his own. But joining the Marines surely isn't being on your own. But it is done and we will just move forward. I don't know when he leaves for boot camp, he doesn't either. Guess we will make the best of the time we have till then.

I felt like I just needed to escape after that news. I had plans to go to the gym anyway so I told Mike he was on his own for the rest of the science project stuff (I had done my part on Sunday) and I headed out. I did my 10 min warm-up on the treadmill then did 60 mins of weight training then I got back on the treadmill and did 15 mins walking on a big incline like I usually do.

Then I got thinking about Seth's running guide for the overweight runner post I had read yesterday. Seth is new to me but not new to bettering himself and his health. His running post really hit a cord with me and got me feeling like I wanted to try to learn to run again. You know I've been trying to run forever it seems but just never seemed able to make it happen between my bad knees and stomach issues. What I read in Seth's post though brought it all together.

His steps were:

Be Disciplined-I think this was what kept going through my mind the most as I started running on the treadmill last night. "Focus your mind. There are times when my mind tells me to quit because my body can't handle it. I push and my body handles it. The mind can be persuaded. Set your mind and control your actions. Let everything you do with purpose." Those words he wrote really sank in for me.

It's ok to be slow- This was a huge one for me too. I've just naturally thought as I've lost weight I should be able to run faster. But I set the treadmill on 4.2 and just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I kept thinking for some 4.2 is just a fast walk but for me it was a slow steady jog.

Get a good pair of running shoes - Check

Map out your route - Since I was on the treadmill no need for this one. But it was about setting a goal for how far or long I would go. For me, I didn't even know I was going to try so it was just about continuing to go. I really didn't know how far I would get but it seemed the minutes kept going by.

Accountability and Pace yourself - I put these two together because that's how it went for me last night. I decided to run when I saw a fellow gym guy come in for his usual run. I have seen him countless times before (well over a year) and so when he took a spot a treadmill over from me I made the decision right then to try to run as long as he did. I had 2 songs on my ipod that seemed to be in perfect pace with me and I just kept playing them over and over.

Enjoy yourself - I can't say I totally enjoyed my run last night but I did feel determined. I really still had no goal except to keep running in pace with the guy to my left. It turned out after 20 mins he stopped running. If you can believe it I actually turned to him and smiled and said "hey you're stopping?" lol. I told him in huffed out words that this was the longest I had ever run and that I was hoping to go for 30 mins. He smiled and said "then why stop now" so you know I didn't. He went off to the weights area and I kept on running. As it got closer to 30 mins my smile just got bigger and bigger. When I hit that 30 mins I swear I almost threw my arms in the air like Rocky lol. I just couldn't stop smiling. When the guy came past I gave him the thumbs up and he smiled.

So I guess I am a runner. I might be slow but I know it's in me to do it now. So thank you Seth for that great post it meant a lot to me.

When I got home I told the family and Kevin said "so are we ready for that 5k then aunt Dawn" lol. I said he would probably be able to walk next to me but yea maybe I was lol.

After that my evening sort of went to heck lol but I'm smiling today so that's a good sign. Mike informed me that our printer wouldn't work at all. Can it really be possible that on the night you HAVE to have 2 science projects done your printer stops working? Well in my life of course it is lol. So instead of Mike going to get a new printer while I was gone he sat there. So at almost 11pm we headed to walmart got a new printer and came home. By 1am we still didn't have the new printer working and Mike was in meltdown mode. So we decided to just write notes to the teachers and the kids will have to take lower grades I guess.

I've now successfully printed out both projects here at work and tonight we will put them on the poster board. What fun huh? lol

Today I will confess everything hurts lol but I'm still happy.

Till tomorrow...

Monday, April 19, 2010

Monday back to work and challenge info

For people emailing me challenge/step stats please include your link name I have listed here so I know who you are. I don't want to get anyone mixed up. I will be posting numbers tomorrow. If I was unclear numbers are to be in to me by tonight at midnight (so Tuesday 12am). Some of the numbers I'm getting in I'm really wowed with. Thinking you folks will have a tough time beating your own numbers each week but I'm sure you will continue to wow me weekly. As for myself I got an average of 6318 per day this week, not bad but I know I can do better. I'm so proud of everyone doing this challenge, I hope it will help you improve and push you a bit further along. Thanks for joining up and helping me too. Lately I've needed a push.

I didn't get a chance to tell you all about my lovely day with Nicholas (my 12 yr old) yesterday. Him and I went on a 5 mile hike. We went to a place called Calvert Cliffs where the trail comes out at the beach. It was a beautiful day and being just him and I we got lots of quality time together. It just made us both feel so peaceful and connected. After our hike we played on the big tire playground they had. We came home exhausted but happy.

Kevin took Marie and 2 of her friends and they went and played frisbee golf. I think they had a pretty good time but Kevin said Marie was complaining some lol. We need to work on her with the complaining lol. Not sure how she will fair this summer when we go on a weeks camping trip with hiking planned most days. Mike got several hours to himself and I think he enjoyed that.

We still don't have the diningroom done but I'm hopeful by the end of the week Mike and Kevin will have it finished. I can tell ya having all the furniture in the middle of the floor isn't nice lol. Maybe one of these days our house will be all put together. I'm still waiting on the drywall guy to come for the bathroom.

Thanks for all the nice comments and emails. I really am glad I started this challenge. I think it came at the right time for me. I need a bit of a kick in the butt for myself.

Till tomorrow...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

A Good Weekend

Sorry I haven't posted sooner been a away from the computer more weekend, was a good one though. Friday had my co-worker over for a bonfire in our little firepot. Was a lot of fun and good food but I drank and age a bit to much and ended up with a tummy ache. Saturday I shaped up got with the program and ate pretty well and got in a nice walk/jog down my favorite road. I meant to take my camera with me but forgot it yet again.

Marie had a soccer game on Saturday too. Just me and her went and it ended in a tie 0 to 0. After that we went to Wal-mart and got stuff for the 2 dreaded science projects lol. We had a good time though and got her a few new clothes and me a few new ones too. I can't seem to stay away from the clothes in that store. They are so cheap it just doesn't seem like a bad thing lol.

So the two science projects still aren't done but we at least made some progress. they have tomorrow so I know tomorrow night will be crazy for us.

Well I need to get to bed just wanted to say don't forget to post your weekly average steps for the week by Monday night at midnight.

Till tomorrow...

Friday, April 16, 2010


I'm glad it's Friday, though I've only worked 3 days this week. Tuesday I was home, just worn out not feeling the best (plus worked on the darn taxes 8 hours). Then I woke up yesterday to a terrible earache. It had been coming on me for a few days but just thought it would go away. So I ended up going to the doctors yesterday and I have an infected gland in my throat which she thinks came from allergies and is causing the ear pain. Anyway, I have an antibiotic and some over the counter stuff and I'm feeling a bit better today. Still hurts to eat though. But I guess that's a good thing lol.

My weight was up on Wednesday at TOPS. It freaked me out so yesterday I cracked down on myself and this morning the scale was back to 176. I feel like I know what to do when the scale creeps up. But I still feel like I'm mentally telling myself I need to lose more weight. I think it's about feeling what is acceptable to others. I see others picking a much lower goal weight and wonder should I to. I guess it's about where I feel comfortable and really I do feel fine with myself at this weight. I think my bigger issues with myself are about the loose stuff.

Anyway, yesterday I got in 10000+ steps and it felt good. I walked at Marie's soccer practice and plan to start doing that every Tuesday and Thursday. Then I went to the gym after I took her home and put in another hour and a half. I hadn't been to the gym since last Thursday because of the stomach issues. The doctor thinks I might have a small hernia though she (nor I) could really feel one. For now I'm just going to baby it and hope it goes away. I really can't jog now and it hurts when I cough or move funny but otherwise I got through my weight training workout without pain last night.

Tonight we are going to have a little fire out in our fire pot out back. It should be a lot of fun. My co-worker and Kevin's girlfriend are going to come too. I love just being outside at night by a fire talking.

I don't have anything planned for the weekend other than getting in plenty of exercise. I think I might work on the yard and do more trim painting so we can get the diningroom back together. We bought a new door for the laundryroom so Mike and Kevin have to put that on too. They got all the crown molding up last night so hopefully by the end of the weekend the diningroom will be back to normal.

The guy that might do the drywall was suppose to come this week I thought but Mike never talked to him. I'm starting to get frustrated with it all. We still haven't ordered the tile yet either though and with our taxes being so much more this year I think we might have to wait at least a few weeks. But I am ready to get the darn bathroom done. It's been over 6 months now ekkkkk.

Don't forget to get your steps into me by midnight Monday. I'll post another reminder before then too. My average isn't going to be too good but it's all about just trying to improve so that's what I'm shooting for. It really does feel like getting back to the basics for me which has been nice. My co-worker that joined TOPS with my other co-worker (his girlfriend) averaged 15000+ steps everyday and got up to 20000 one day he said. He really doesn't need to lose any weight just goes to TOPS to support everyone else (Mike mostly so he's not the only man). It really shows me how it's about living an active life since that man is the one that really helps clear out the candy bowl here at work lol.

Well I better get back to work.

Till next time...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Walking Challenge Update

Here's our updated challenge list:

F. Mcbutter Pants
Wright Family Fun
Single Sassy and Saved
The TOPS Lady
The Fifth Sparrow


If I forgot anyone please let me know. Lainey I added you so maybe you can pick up a pedometer today and still be in. My number was terrible Monday (only 1560 steps). I almost wonder if it was because I was wearing a loose skirt and it just didn't calculate right, but such is life.

Yesterday I stayed home from work. My stomach issue is back and I was just exhausted feeling. I got to sleep till noon then I got up and fought with the taxes for 8 hours, yep I said 8 hours. Anyway, think I got it all sorted out and efiled this years and have last years amended taxes ready to go in the mail. I'm thankful to be done with them.

Tonight is TOPS and I don't even have a program planned. I need to get my butt in gear and put something together quickly. I don't know how weigh-in will go but hopefully I'll still be below goal. Last week I jumped up several lbs. This week I just haven't put in the usual exercise (only 4 hours instead of my usual 6-7) because of the stomach issue and having my mother-in-law here. I know just excuses but this week I'll get back on track. Last night I actually did 2500 step-ups while I watched the biggest loser to try and get my steps more. I definitely worked up a sweat.

Well I can't think of anything much to talk about today. I'm feeling pretty good mentally this week so I'm hoping for a good week all the way around.

Trina, your comment made me smile and tear up. I wish you lived closer.

Till tomorrow...

Monday, April 12, 2010

Walking/Step Challenge Begins and still time...

Well today is the day our challenge begins. I have quite a few signed up and I'm excited. I've had my pedometer on since Thursday and I can really see how many steps I haven't been taking. My weight loss began with walking and wearing a pedometer so getting back to my old basic is like coming home for me.

I actually found a excel spreadsheet I kept back then and I was averaging about 7000-8000 steps a day at 340+ lbs so there is definitely room for improvement now. My average for Thur-Sun was only 6775 so that's kind of pitiful if you think about it lol. It really made me realize how much I can work on improving myself. My goal for this challenge is to reach 10000 steps a day and stay at that amount the rest of my life. That sounds like a big self challenge to say "the rest of my life" but I really think it's what can make the difference of me staying at my goal weight.

Now I've decided since we have a "at least 5 days a week rule" I will let people join the challenge up through the end of tomorrow since I know I don't always post everyday so some don't get around to my blog everyday. I figure the more the merrier.

Ok to recap the challenge (original challenge post):

1. Challenge runs for 8 weeks (April 12th-June 7th)
2. Wear a pedometer everyday and track your steps.
3. Keep a chart with your daily steps and your weekly averages.
4. Post here or email me ( your weekly average by midnight Monday (I had previously said Sunday at midnight but I think you need at least a day to figure out your weeks average and get it to me).
5. Can't miss wearing your pedometer more than 2 days in a week or that week's average doesn't count.
6. Prize of $25 to the person who improves the most on the amount of steps walked in 8 weeks (example: 1st week average 3700, 8th week average 8900, 5200 average improvement).
7. Weekly rankings will be posted Tuesdays.

So onto who's in:
F. Mcbutter Pants
Wright Family Fun

Ok now I went through linking you all so I sure hope I got everyone right lol. Sandra I wasn't sure if you actually wanted to do the challenge or not but I did add you.

I have to tell you all I'm very excited about our challenge. I know this is going to get us all moving more. I also read some blogs and know some of you already wear pedometers or step trackers so it will hopefully be an extra boost for you guys.

I know for myself even just wearing it the past 4 days I've been more aware of when I'm more sedentary. I found that at work I'm a lump lol. I'm lucky to get 1500-2000 steps between 7am-5pm. That was a pretty big eye opener for me since I thought with losing all this weight I had become a lot more active. So my plan is to try to improve my at work steps daily because I do think spreading out activity is as important as eating frequent meals, just helps to boost the metabolism more.

Good luck to everyone and I'll do my best to give each of you my support on a regular basis. Some of you are new to me and it will be fun getting to know you better.

Here's to a great day/week of stepping!!!!

Ok now onto my usual rambling lol. Today is Kevin's (my nephew) 18th Birthday. It's really hard to believe he's that old. He came to us when he was 11. To think he turns into an adult today. I asked him this morning did he feel any different and he said not really lol. I think though when he graduates high school next month it will sink in for him. Tonight we'll take him out to dinner. Last night I made 5 layer bars that he asked for and we put candles on it and sang Happy Birthday to him. I still can't hardly believe it *smile*.

I feel like I've gotten a ton accomplished in the past week while Mike's mom (M) has been here. I will confess though I've been grouchier than usual but I think that wasn't as much her visit as it was TTOM (I always think of Jack when I type that now lol). Though I know when she visits it does seem Mike and I bicker more often which isn't the norm.

Anyway, Thursday M and I went shopping and I bought a bunch of new clothes. It was a lot of fun and I realized that I've been wearing a size bigger because I was afraid of trying to stuff all the extra in lol. But I broke down and bought size 12 jeans. I must admit after wearing loose pants all my life it was interesting wearing confining clothes all day. By the time I got home I was sooo ready to change clothes lol.

Friday I went and bought paint and Saturday we painted our diningroom. I've been wanting to do that for AGES now. You won't believe it but it kind of looks pink lol. The color was called sashay sand and I had seen it on Marie's daycare lady's walls and loved it. Hopefully it's going to grow on me. Like M said we can always repaint it in a few years. Doubtful though since it was the previous mess for the whole 12 yrs we've been in the house lol. I'm not much on change can you tell?

I got a haircut Saturday. Really it doesn't look much different than it did before. I keep telling myself I want a change but then never seem to change it. I'm thinking I might not mind going back to curly hair or at least wavy. I'm still thinking it over. M and I got our nails done and got pedicures. Felt nice to be pampered.

I did some gardening yesterday. Really just leave racking, weed pulling and bush trimming but the yard looks so much better. I still have the front flower beds to do and need to get some mulch and annuals but it definitely looks nicer.

I got in several walks/jogs but haven't been to the gym since Thursday. I won't be going tonight either I don't think but hopefully Tuesday I'll get there. I think my body needs a break from the weight training anyway. I've had a bit of a stitch in my lower stomach/side that needed a rest. Hopefully it will feel all better by Tuesday. I have to really remember what exercises hurt my stomach and not do them. I think I'm sorting out what does and doesn't.

Marie started soccer this week so I think on Tuesdays and Thursdays I will start walking around the school she practices at to get in more steps on those days. Those are usually my gym days too so I'm sure I'll get in a lot of steps on those days since I'm already averaging about 9500.

Mike drove his mom up to meet her step daughter this morning so it's back to normal tonight. Though I enjoyed her visit I'll confess I'm ready to have things back to normal. I really think I just need a few days of rest. This coming weekend I don't plan on doing anything. Oh, yea Kevin has prom on Saturday so guess we'll be preparing for that but otherwise nothing planned.

Well better get to work. The boss man is out sick today so I'm slacking a bit I'll confess lol. Man was that a LONG post or what? lol

My mind is a sieve lol I wanted to thank Carla for her sweet shout out about my last post and tell her that I sure hope she wasn't embarrassed because I would never want our first meeting to bring her any bad feelings. Love your blog and you woman *smile* *big hugs*.

Till tomorrow...

Friday, April 9, 2010


I know it seems like it's taken me forever to write about my fitbloggin experience. But I'm finally getting around to it.

I decided I wanted to attend fitbloggin months ago since I'm just a few hours south of Baltimore. My main reason was to meet Carla and an old ediets friend, Karen, I have known for 6 or so yrs. I was only going up for Saturday afternoon. So when I arrived at the hotel I really had no clue where to go or what to do. I was excited but also anxious about what people would think of me.

I know now on the outside I look much different than I really am on the inside. I had on my face and I thought I looked pretty good. On the inside though I was worried "will they like me" "will I fit in" "will I feel comfortable". My usual fat girl self talk. In spite of the fact I've lost a lot of weight, on the inside I still feel like that big girl wanting to hide in the corner and be invisible. I know so many people think that same way at many different sizes. I often wonder when will that feeling go away? Ever?

So when I got there I put my smile on and talked to a few people at a table outside the convention room. I got to meet Roni and her mom and several other wonderful sweet ladies. I felt really comfortable with them all. Then I spotted my old ediets friend Karen. She looked just like her pictures, very pretty, of course very sweet too. She said I didn't look or act anything like she thought I would. In my head I thought "that's because I have my face on". It seems during my weight loss I've learned to put on my confident face to the world. Even as a big girl I tried to have that face on. But back then you couldn't hide it behind my size. It was just out there that I must have issues.

Karen and I went over and sat and talked awhile and it was very comfortable between us. Then I spotted Carla coming out of the room and Karen and I got up to go meet her. Karen introduced me since she had already talked to her earlier. Carla gave me a hug and was friendly enough but it just wasn't that warm and fuzzy feeling I have always felt between us through comments and emails. I'll confess I felt sad, disappointed, like I wasn't good enough. Of course it was nothing she had done, she had greeted me with a smile and hug what more did I want. She seemed busy though so Karen and I went off to a table with another woman and chatted awhile. It was all very nice but I still had that feeling like I wanted to talk to Carla more, spend more time with her.

Karen and I (I thought we looked like sisters)

I got a few pictures and actually spoke to Jennette and thanked her for her book and website and told her she was the reason I started blogging. I was glad for that moment too. I felt like I was doing well with trying to reach out even if it felt kind of weird for me.

I was so thankful for Karen's company though and we went off to have dinner in the hotel restaurant. We talked easy and about so many things. It just felt like it was meant to be and I was glad we had connected so well.

As we were sitting there Carla came in with the bloggin folks and they all sat down to eat. I felt like I just wanted more time with her, at least a picture with her to have proof I had met her *smile*. So after Karen and I finished dinner I decided I was going to be unusually bold and interrupt them to ask for a picture with her. Of course she was wonderfully gracious. So Karen took a picture of us and we stood and talked for a few minutes. It was nice and I did feel a bit better about it all but there was still that feeling like we hadn't quite connected on the level I had hoped for.

Karen and I went for a lovely walk after dinner around the harbor and then sat in the lobby a bit longer and chatted and then I headed home. I left feeling very glad I had went and gotten to meet some people.

The next day Carla commented on my blog "Did you come? I didn't see you!!!" and the light bulb went on for me, Carla didn't know who I was lol. I emailed her and told her who I was (the woman butting into her dinner to take her picture lol) and she emailed back "I SOOOO DIDN'T KNOW" and "You are awesome and together and hip woman. you paint such a different blog pic some days!". I emailed her back about my outside face and it not always being the inner me. She wrote back "It makes me ADORE you and your blog all the more. truly.". Carla is truly a kind sweet soul.

It makes me realize though that I still have work to do on myself. Makes me ask the question to myself and all of you.

"Are you portraying a different person than you are?"

And as Carla would ask "Are you being unapologetically yourself?".

I think once I talk with people they see the real me but maybe that initial appearance I'm pretending to be more put together than I am lol. I guess I need to find my balance if for no other reason than to never again come in contact with people I adore and miss the opportunity to really connect with them.

I know I will always have areas to improve myself in. Here's to being unapologetically myself.

There's still plenty of time to get in on my walking/step challenge just post on yesterdays post saying you want to join.

Till next time...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A Walking/Step Challenge

I've never done a challenge on my blog before but we are starting one in TOPS and I think it would be a great motivator for everyone here if they are willing. This is how it works, by Monday buy yourself a pedometer. We found them at the dollar store so it's not like they cost much. The dollar store ones seem to be ok, Mike tested one last night.

Anyway, my challenge is a self challenge to yourself for the next 8 weeks. The challenge starts Monday April 12th (Kevin's Birthday). Make up a chart for yourself with each day of the week and then a column for your weekly average. Put your pedometer on each morning and each night write down your total steps walked for that day. If you miss a day wearing your pedometer then you would only count a 6 day average since the goal of this challenge isn't the highest amount of steps but rather your improved amount of steps over the course of the 8 weeks. So say week 1 your average was 3500 steps for the week. You want to try to improve that average every week. So lets say by week 8 you are up to an average of 8700 that would make your improvement 5200 steps and that would be the number that is your final challenge number.

Now we have to do this fairly so I say if you miss wearing your pedometer more than 2 days in any week then you loose out on that week and have to just use lasts weeks average which would mean 0 improvement for that week. If anyone doesn't understand what I'm saying let me know and I will try to explain it better. I'm saying if you only wear your pedometer 5 days this week then the weeks average would be your total amount of steps divided by 5 since that is how many days you have numbers for.

Please also do the best you can, don't start out walking less than you normally would just so you will have a higher average. This is a self help challenge after all so it's about improving yourself not winning because regardless you will improve yourself during this challenge.

As for a prize I will give whoever improves the most $25. I know this doesn't seem like much but again this is about improving yourself over the next 8 weeks.

To enter my walking challenge please just leave a comment that you want to join on this post. I will post a reminder on Fridays asking for everyone's averages by Sunday at midnight which they can give me in the Friday comments and then I'll post on Monday listing rankings.

I am excited and hopeful I will get a lot of takers for this challenge.

Till next time...

Monday, April 5, 2010

A long weekend and my mother-in-law coming

I had off Friday so got some extra time at home. My mother-in-law is coming tonight from Kentucky so of course we were all stressing about the house looking nice for her. I felt so darn lazy when it came to house work. Seemed I could go for walks and run to the store several times but I just didn't feel like cleaning lol.

Friday one of my Internet girlfriends that I've known about 7 yrs emailed me saying she was at her mom's in DC for the holiday. Usually I am all for driving up and spending the day with her. But since we had so much to do around the house I felt like I couldn't. But I told her if she was willing to drive down my way we could meet up for a few hours since I had to go out shopping for Easter stuff and dinner anyway. So Saturday we got together about 11am and hung out for about 4 hours. It felt really cool getting to take her down my favorite walking road and sit on the beach and talk then I took her to another local park on the water. It just felt nice talking with a friend and having girl time. We talked about her and her kids coming back to visit soon so we could go camping and kayaking. It would be something she's never done before. She too has lost a lot of weight in the past few years.

It was a bit of an ah ha moment for me realizing that I have come a long way mentally. A lot of her fears and insecurities use to be mine too, still are somewhat. But it made me realize that time does help with making a person more at ease with themselves and adjusting to a new smaller body. She talked about feeling so fat but I thought she looked great. I'm hoping with time she'll see that.

I had therapy last Tuesday. My therapist broke the news to me that he's finally retiring. It really hit me hard and I found myself crying. Goodness how I will miss him. Even though I only see him once a month or so he's really my rock to always come back too to keep me feeling stable (normal). It will be tough thinking of not having him. He told me he would still be there if I needed him and could call anytime for a chat if I wanted. Of course I appreciate that but it just won't feel the same. Sigh.

I know it really is time for me to be on my own. I wouldn't say I've used him as a crutch but I have wanted him there to reassure me the past several years. I always knew at some point I would have to stand on my own two feet I just don't know if I'm ready. I have one more session with him at the end of April. Makes me sad to think about. I would like to give him a gift for all his years of being here for Kevin and I but I don't know what, any ideas are welcome.

Yesterday was an eating day for me. Not sure why I felt the need to eat and eat but I did. I stayed away from the kids candy pretty well (only 3 minis) but the lasagna did me in. I'm just not use to all those carbs at one time and I found myself needing a nap after dinner lol. Today the scale showed me up 5 lbs, ekkk. Sure hope that comes back off quickly.

I've been thinking a lot about maintenance the past several months. I guess I shouldn't say thinking about it but more trying to stay in it. It feels like the past few weeks my body has wanted to let go of a few more lbs (well till yesterday). I've told myself all along that I would just go with the flow of whatever felt right.

I've found myself very focused on the plastic surgery this week and how I can get the money for at least the body lift. I emailed with Joel Harper a few times this weekend and he said "keep telling yourself you are normal and you feel normal 24/7". In his emails they have always been about believing things into reality. That if you believe it and think it you really can do anything. I really do think that way of thinking has helped get me where I am and being consistent of course. But another part of me wants to really be normal naked not just think it. I still have plenty of time to think about it of course since I don't have money growing on a tree in my backyard lol.

Well I better get some work done this week.

Till next time...