I read quite a few blogs and I always see myself in most of them. I have several that are maintenance blogs and others that are weight loss but with some having gained back some weight. I identify with them all because I feel at times I'm in maintenance and at other times I'm struggling and trying to lose those 5-10 lbs that seem to creep back on me. When I think about that though I realize that really that is just maintenance.
I mean I know normal eaters are the same aren't they? That they keep an eye on their weight and when they see it creeping up they cut back in areas and make more healthy choices? Of course I'm not in the "normal eater" category since I'm a food addict but it is still the case that when the weight creeps up I know what I have to do to get it to creep back down. I also realize that creeping up takes way less time than creeping back down.
I'd like to think as time continues to go by I will get better at catching myself on the creep up so that maybe some day it will just be real maintenance where it's just 1-3 up and 1-3 back down instead of the sometimes 5-10 or even more. Then it really becomes more of a regain than maintenance.
I think that is where I have to face things, face myself when I'm on the creep up. I have to figure out what emotional stuff is causing me to turn to food. I have to not be in denial. I have to be honest with myself 100%. I can't just let the desire to use food over take my rational side because that is what makes people gain back 20, 30, 40 or even more. I don't want that to be me. So I have to face ME, face myself and stop giving myself permission to let that inner hurt child take over and want to be comforted. I have to use my tools to comfort myself which is exercise, or time with my family or just sitting here writing a blog post. I have so many tools that really there is no reason to use food as one. I have come to realize in the past 5-6 weeks that my food choices have to be about feeding my body not feeding my soul.
Yesterday was the contest workout. Parts of it brought back feelings of not being good enough, of still being the "fat kid". I know it was all my own making in my head but it still filled me with such anxiety I almost walked away and just said I quit. But seeing Mike do it anyway made me know I had to also. It was another time of "facing things" and not allowing my inner issues dictate to me.
So the workout was first a run around the shopping center. I started out in the front but was soon at the back of the pack but honestly that didn't bother me because I was on my own, it wasn't a race, it was just what I was capable of or rather what I wanted to do. The next part was a circuit training thing with Mike and I and 2 other people. I again didn't feel out of place. But then at the end of the workout the trainer split us all into two teams and said we would be doing a relay race which included jumping jacks. I don't know why but it just filled me with fear. I worried that because of me our team would lose. It didn't make me feel better either to have 2 of the "team boys" go to the end of our group (behind Mike and I) so that they could ensure they could make up "our" time. Then we didn't just do it once but twice. But I faced my fear and I did it and I did ok and it was ok.
I do think facing things be it the scale, denial, using food, childhood abuse, family issues, or whatever is going on in our lives has to be the #1 thing we do. If we don't we will never be the people we want to be. Life is about facing things, facing our short comings, our issues, our wants, desires, our problems, whatever is going on that is causing us to falter. Being the best we can be means moving forward in the best way we can. It's about loving ourselves 100% too and realizing we are worth the effort.
Till next time...