Feel like I've been writing this post for days (I have). So regardless of if I put everything in it I will post it today for sure.
Been listening and reading some things about resentments lately and how that plays into relationships, especially with family and old friends. I've known for a long time I hold resentments against people and that it does affect me and how I deal with them. I think having spent a childhood of feeling neglected yet controlled and full of fear too it has left a lot of lasting things with me.
I think giving an example is probably the best way to explain this. Like with my mom and how now she expects me to come take her to doctors appts and things and be there for her yet growing up she really wasn't there for me, only in a limited way. I don't really mind being there for her but it's more that she expects me to be. It's about feeling people trying to weld control over me though I know really I hold my own control and it's a choice I make.
I got thinking about all this because the other day my girlfriend called. It was a weird conversation one we seemed to have had already maybe with a few added tidbits of additional memories but not really anything that I could see really mattering. It was her again trying to dive into a past that has so many missing parts that I don't see how she can ever piece together something that will make sense or give her what she seems to be looking for.
After our call I just felt I didn't really say anything of meaning so I made the decision to call back and just ask how she was. We ended up having a good conversation and I'd like to think I gave her some comfort which she so seldom lets me do. I don't think our contact will be any more than it has been but at least I felt she knows I'm here if she needs or wants me to be.
The whole trip to Kentucky and seeing my brother-in-law is on my mind too. I talked to Mike's mom the other day and it just left me feeling bad. I ended up saying all the things I felt and then I realized telling someone's mother all those things really accomplishes nothing other than making her feel she's to blame some how for his behaviors. But he's an adult now and he is responsible for his own anger and actions. Anyway, I feel I made an already bad situation worse by upsetting the one person that just wants her family all together for the holiday. I will do my best to help not hurt with my words and actions when I go, that is my goal. I'm just looking to have a good time.
So Kevin came Friday with his new girlfriend her little girl and his friend. They were traveling with another couple that was driving a truck so it ended up being way way later than we thought, they didn't arrive till 11:30pm. So it left little time for us to visit. But it was still nice and I found myself liking the woman and her daughter very much. I only want good things for Kevin and for him to feel happy and content. I don't know if he will find that with her but she seems to be a good fit for him. I found myself wishing I had more time with them so I could get to know them better. I don't know when the next time we will see them will be but I look forward to it.
I was sad because after they got to NY I texted with Kevin and found out his sister was not coming to visit as she had said she would on the 18th, that was the reason he had to rush off so quickly. It made me a bit upset too that she didn't tell him sooner so that they could have stayed with us longer. Water under the bridge now but I'm sure for him it makes him feel yet again not worth the effort. If possible we will go visit him around Christmas for a few days even though he has to work. It will give us time with the girlfriend and her daughter and maybe we can do a little shopping for a few things for their new apt.
I had a nice weekend. Saturday it was beautiful out so got in a great walk down my road. Then on Sunday I did something I've done, I entered a 49 day holiday challenge. I don't know if any of you remember me talking about "burn the fat, feed the muscle" ebook by Tom Venuto (body builder). It was a book I read when I was almost to my 100 lb mark. It's what really helped me in so many ways. Tom sends out an email to all his book buyers when he had a challenge. They are free to enter and there is 10 female and 10 male prizes (grand prize is a trip to Maui). I don't see myself in the running for the grand prize with the body I have lol but I could see me maybe winning one of the other prizes if I work hard enough. Even if I win nothing it will help get me through the holidays and hopefully I'll see a body I've never seen before :) How great it would be to actually drop weight during the holidays.
I also joined a team for the challenge that consists of four 20 to 30 yr old ladies that already seem in pretty darn good shape to me. I'll confess at first I felt a bit out of place and a little judgemental but as they posted and sent emails I could see their only purpose is to support and help me. So I will do my best to have an open mind about new things and try to support them as well.
The scariest thing about this is I had to take full front, side and back pics of myself in a sports bra and short shorts, ekkk. I have never in my life wore a 2 piece anything showing my stomach out in public. I felt terrified yesterday and almost talked myself out of doing it. But as I looked at other people's pics I realize all of us feel that way and so I should just be proud of how far I've come. So the next 49 days will be spent working on me :)
I think I mentioned awhile ago that I was talking to a life coach. Part of the reason I decided to have a life coach was because I wanted to be friends with this lady, as I have admired her for going on 2 yrs now. Even though I'm ahead of her with time on this weight loss journey she has been ahead of me emotionally for a good while and I really just wanted some of what she had. During our past 3+ weeks I feel like I've grown quite a bit. I think the most valuable lesson is that sitting with my emotions is a must. That I really have to deal with anxiety head on and not reach out to others or food to fix it. I guess deep down I've known this but talking with her has really helped so much in that area. The niacin has helped too with the anxiety and honestly I've had next to none in the past several weeks. It really feels amazing to me. So if you are looking for someone to coach you I highly recommend Tara :)
I also found out my dear long time friend Karen is also life coaching. Her and I have had many a conversation about life and I always come away from our conversations giving thought to so many things, she really makes you think about what you want for yourself. She calls herself the "acceptance whisperer" and I have definitely come to realize through these past 5 yrs that self acceptance is a must if we want to lose weight and keep it off.
Anyway, I'm all for putting people and things in your life that will help push you forward. I really do believe the people you surround yourself with is really important.
Well I better get back to work. We head to Kentucky on Wednesday morning and I have work to get done :) Hope everyone has a good turkey day and doesn't eat themselves into a coma. I have a plan so I know I will do ok. Going to love my walks every morning there too :)
Till next time...