My computer wouldn't start yesterday at work, ekkk. Thankfully the computer guy came and fixed it with little trouble to me other than having to work on a SLOW machine till 2pm. But I'm just glad not to have lost anything and being back up and running.
Boy has a week and a half really went by already since my last post? Seems to have flown by to me. In that time I've done 4 TOPS meetings, not my own chapter, and have another one tonight. I've had my trip to Kentucky and I've been packing up at work for the move that was suppose to happen today that now has been pushed off till next week.
I've read many blog posts about being thankful over the Thanksgiving holiday and reading that stuff always warms my heart and makes me think of all the things I'm thankful for. Sadly though sometimes I have to learn thankfulness by seeing a bad situation that others are in. Going to Kentucky and seeing Mike's brother and his wife made me appreciate that Mike and his brother aren't alike. Mike and I have had many conversations about people making their own happiness. I wish Mike's brother and his wife could find that with each other but honestly it seems they would be much better off apart. But it is their life not mine.
My time in Kentucky even while his brother was there was still very nice. I walked 12 miles while there and loved every minute of it. I found myself dreaming about Mike and I moving to the country in our retirement and being able to take walks like that and sit on the porch of a small country house. Minus the brother and sister-in-law drama it was a really peaceful time for me (and the rest of the family). Even my time around all the sweets wasn't to bad. I had already made my plan for food and I did my best to follow it. There were 5 different kinds of cookies, 4 different pies, pumpkin roll and a semi healthy fruit salad, not to mention the half gallons of ice cream in the freezer and I managed to get through 4 1/2 days with 3 cookies and a sliver of cherry and pumpkin pie. I tried to really enjoy those few sweets in the moment and not feel I had to eat LOTS as I have in the past there on Thanksgiving. It definitely felt like a big victory for me.
My TOPS area captain program this year is on "unhealthy eating vs restrictive eating". I've kind of put my own twists on the program about my own experiences and it seems like the groups have gotten a lot out of my talk. Last night's meeting I think was the best as afterwards we all just sat and talked about our relationship with food. I've said for a long time I just want peace with food and really that is it. Mike and I had a conversation the other night about when you are a food addict you do have to have somewhat of a "restrictive" food plan and I definitely saw his point but I guess I would rather use a word like "mindful" rather than restrictive. I do realize though that some foods are just better not eaten at least not at home EVER (ice cream comes to mind).
I've also been doing my BFFM (burn the fat, feed the muscle) holiday challenge and it's going well so far. I'm down a few lbs and just feeling so much stronger having gotten back to more weight lifting. I've been rereading the BFFM ebook and also "new rules for lifting for women" (think that's the title lol). I'm back to night time workouts this week and not sure how I feel about that. I know in part it's that I've had 2 TOPS meetings last week and this week after work so then going to the gym after that I'm not getting home till super late and I'm pretty exhausted. I would like to get back to some morning workouts but doing morning and night part time is just to tough I think so I really need to do one or the other consistently. Maybe next week will be mornings again. Regardless though I'm feeling good about food and exercise.
I really am focusing on "mindfulness" when it comes to food and not obsessing like I tend to do when I'm doing some kind of challenge. I'm finding I'm thinking less about food that way. When I do think about food too it's more rational. I'd like to think as the years continue to go by I will continue to have more peace with food. Next month will be 3 yrs as a KOPS for me.
When it comes to the scale I really am focusing on it not having power over me and that seems to be working. I don't want to go through my life obsessing about it, worrying over 5-10 lbs. Like I was telling the TOPS ladies last night this is about a life time not just "right now". One lady asked what do you do when you are on a plateau and I told her "just hold on, practice maintenance, after all you'll be doing it for life eventually anyway". Then I went on to say I'd like to think as I find more peace with food as time continues to go by my weight will just naturally drift down. I think being honest with myself here will always be important for me too. The scale said 185 this morning and though that's not as low as I would like I'm just fine with that number. I think finding that contentment wherever I am is the bigger picture in this journey.
This week I finished cleaning out my old desk here at work. I came across so many things that brought back so many memories for me, some painful, some nice. I also found several pictures of myself larger and looking at them just made me realize how far I've come and how I have to be thankful for the awakening I had as so many people I have met have not had their awakening yet. I so often now find myself filled with joy with my accomplishment of conquering something I never thought I would be able to, learning to love myself.
Well I better get back to work.
Till next time...