Happy Valentine's Day!!!
Hard to believe it's already February. I know I haven't been posting much in the past year, but I'm missing it here so going to try to start writing more (I know I've said that before lol). I've had several ups and downs in these past several months. The broken foot was a big blow and not getting to walk my marathon. I was pretty low there for awhile so I was thankful to find my trainer who helped pull me out of my funk and helped get me back in the gym even when I was in the boot. Sadly he's had to drop me as a client as he's spread himself thin and since I wasn't really paying him I did understand that part. But the fat girl in my head still took it personally and I've found myself falling in another mental hole the past week punishing myself with food for being so needy.
I know not everyone can be there forever trying to keep me uplifted and moving forward. I know that keeping myself uplifted and happy is 100% my job and through my weight lose I relied on myself a lot so I will just find my groove again and continue moving forward. I also know that sometimes people come into our lives for a reason and leave just as quickly as they came. There was definitely purpose in our friendship and I will be forever grateful. Hopefully he will have fond memories of me and not just think I was a big pain in his butt lol.
I guess what has thrown me in a hole and affected me the most is the thought of it being so final. I've always been the type I like the thought of my friends still being there down the road even if we've parted ways somewhat. But I know for now I just need to let it go, let it go Dawn. I wish I had an easier time of letting go especially when I have no control over the situation.
I've been out of the boot since January 20th. The foot is totally healed and not giving any trouble. It's my ankle that is actually the trouble these days. I got some stretches from the doc so been doing those and stuff at the gym to help strengthen it so it is improving.
I'm trying to figure out how to move on with my fitness now but I'm sure I will be fine. I've been on my own with fitness all these years so I will just continue to teach myself the best I can. I had hopes to drop these last 20 lbs in the next few months while I'm doing my online contest but honestly I'm starting to question is it really what I want for myself. I'm pretty content where I'm at and with my level of food and fitness. I think a part of me will always want to drop that last 20 just to see if I can. But will it make me a better person, a happier person, a more content person? Honestly I think it will just make it harder for me to maintain my weight and I sure know I don't want to fall into beating myself up over not being able to stay there.
So my plan is to work hard these next 8 weeks for my online challenge and see what I can do but not kill myself. My level of cardio compared to before the broken foot is pretty pitiful. My plan is to continue with my focus being on weight lifting but I also know if I want to actually drop some weight I have to put in more cardio time. My trainer had me doing a combination of both and I have been liking that so think I will stick with it just modifying the weight lifting exercises to suit.
Mike sent me a dozen roses yesterday in a beautiful ceramic vase with hearts all over it. The card said "Love you. I don't know what I'd do without you" and I feel the same way. He's a good man and I will be forever grateful that he feel in love with me and has loved me through so much stuff. I wish I could help him feel better about himself. I wish he could realize that he's not his weight, that he's good enough just as he is :) I wish I was a better wife, he deserves better than me. I feel very lucky. He said he would start fresh come Monday and get back to the gym so I'm hopeful he will get feeling more confident again.
So Nick got his report card, 5 F's :( of course Mike and I felt like failures. But we've talked about it and we are leaving school in Nick's hands. I feel like we've tried many things and so he keep telling me "I've got this mom" so I'm hopeful he does. I never even went to high school and I turned out ok so I know he will be fine too no matter what happens. He's got a good soul and I have faith he will find his way eventually. Hopefully he can manage to pass the 11th grade.
Then there is Marie, who made the honor roll :) I know sometimes she feels like the neglected one since it seemed we went from drama with Kevin to drama with Nick but eventually it will be her turn to be in the spot light and she assures us we won't have to worry lol. Of course we hope that's true but then we all know what it's like to be a teenager :)
A few weeks back I gave Nick the option of therapy or volunteer work and he picked volunteer work so last weekend we started working at the "Cat Castle", our local cat shelter. We all loved it and Nick kept saying how he wished he had known about it when he was doing community service back in the summer as it's so much easier than what he had to do lol. But we did work hard for the kitties and I was proud of us for being such a great team. There was another woman that was a new volunteer that just fit right in with us and we all worked terrific together and got the place all cleaned in no time flat, we scrubbed floors, cleaned boxes, beds, bowls, etc. Then we got to spend some time with the kitties :) Most of the ones there are tough to place kitties so not the friendliest as they send those over to Petco for quicker placement. One poor little kitty has been with them for 12 yrs the lady said. Another one, Casadia, I have a mission to befriend her so tomorrow I will bring some treats with me and try to see if I can win her over at least a bit :) I think this is going to be something good for all of us :) We all came home tired though after just 3 hours lol.
Kevin and his family will be coming to visit for Mike's Birthday in a few weeks, we haven't seen him since September so it will be nice. It will be great getting to see the little one too :)
I had a weekend with my TOPS folks for our planning of our annual convention. I will be doing a workshop on exercise and nutrition, it should be pretty interesting. I'm doing it with another of the area captains so at least it won't be all on me :) I think I'm getting less nervous about speaking in front of people. I also had printed out what I wrote here about "regain" and I will also be reading that at SRD too. I think most of us have been through a regain or more than one so hopefully it will give the folks something to think about. The convention isn't till April so I have a bit of time to ease my nerves :)
I am so thankful for all you guys that check up on me. Was nice getting your msgs asking how I've been doing :) always makes me smile and feel good to know I'm thought about. I'm still reading your blogs regularly just haven't been able to post from the ipad so that's why I haven't commented much. Need to figure out what's going on with that since that's where I do most of my blog reading. Mike and I talked the other night and he was saying how I seemed happier when I was blogging and I think he was right :) this has always been the place for me to spill out my heart and I've missed doing that :)