Fixing Myself Thinner

Working Weekend

2009-11-07T11:59:00.004-05:00

Well it's a busy busy weekend for me. Last night after work Marie and I stopped for a quick dinner and then we went to Lowes to pick up the stuff needed for the painting and odds and ends needed at the cottage. It felt like we were there a life time searching around for all the different things (knobs for the stove, blinds, paint, painting supplies, glue, knee pads, plexiglass, and the list goes on). I felt like we did ok and finally headed on home.

Then Mike, Nicholas and Marie and I went over to the cottage and started painting. Well it was soon apparent that the kids weren't really going to be painting up to par. Of course you want it to be a family affair and all fun and stuff but anyone that has kids really knows how some of those things go lol. So we eventually sent them back to the house to watch TV and Mike and I both took a room and banged it out, trim and all, in a few hours.

Kevin decided he wasn't coming home and was going to call and leave a msg on the phone and then not be able to be reached. I cut him a break since he's been going through gf drama and other things. I figured if he wanted Friday off he could have it. But I have a feeling he's going to push it. After he got home he spent a long time arguing on the phone with the girlfriend till I finally told him he had to get ready for bed because he had his SAT's this morning. I thought he would be home by now but the gf was taking it too so who knows how today will go. I'm kind of getting to the end of it all with the 2 of them but I'm trying my best to stay patient and let them figure out they just aren't meant to be.

This morning I got up and really felt like I wanted to go to the gym. But I knew I would want to put in 2 hours and then I would be exhausted and not wanting to work at the cottage. So instead I went over and started ripping out the carpet. I confess that I've never done this before. But I thought I would give it a good try on my own. I got all the bedroom rug up except in the closet and then started taking up the tack strips. Well let me just say they are torture to get up. It was like 6 inch pieces I was breaking up around the nails. I had a crow bar or whatever you call that thing, a hammer, pliers and then resorted to also needing a butter knife (the all tool) lol. Anyway, I got through about half the room which also included getting up all the nails and all staples for the padding and finally declared I was leaving it to Kevin when he got home.

Mike went off to Lowes to take back the wrong paint I bought for the cabinets and get some more stuff since now we've decided the ceilings need to be painted too. I think we are making pretty good progress. We really need Kevin too though to really keep on schedule. I hope he will get home soon so I don't have to start stressing over him drama.

While Mike was gone I worked on laundry and dishes and getting dinner in the crockpot, beans and turkey ham. I also need to go to the grocery store since I'm out of fruit and veggies and want to make a pot of soup and my protein bars tomorrow.

Well guess we are heading back next door to paint the ceilings.

Till tomorrow...

My TOPS Meeting Wednesday

2009-11-05T11:27:00.007-05:00

Boy it felt good being back at my own TOPS meeting. I enjoyed going to the other ones but I just felt like I was coming home walking into my own on Wednesday night. Everyone was so welcoming too and glad to see J and I.

I guess not having the stress of all the meetings this week the scale was kind. I lose 3.6 lbs this week, putting me down to 193. I can't hardly believe I'm closer to the 180's now than 200. It feels good and feels like I might just make it to goal by the end of the year. If not I think I will get close and I might just let that be enough. I'll think on it some more, I still have 7 weeks left. So I'm just going to keep working towards it.

Wednesday was the end of our beans contest. I'd like to say my team won but we didn't. I was happy to see the other group win though (Mike was on that team). The biggest thing that came out of the contest was that it got our group motivated again to come to the meetings. I plan on thinking up a new contest for the remainder of the year. We got another new member so we are up to 18 people now. It's such a good group. We all laughed and had a great time.

After the meeting Mike and I stopped by the house so I could make a pre-workout shake and then we headed to the gym. I put in an hour of weight training and an hour of cardio, it felt good after not being there since Sunday. Mike walked for 65 mins too. I'm proud of him that he's back to his walking.

Last night was parent teacher conferences. Both Nicholas and Marie are doing fine. Nicholas did get 2 D's, one in religion and one in English. He knows he loses Xbox and now has to earn time with showing me A's and B's on tests and quizzes. Hopefully this semester he will improve in those classes.

All his teachers say though that he's a lot happier now and willing to do his work so I was happy to hear that. As for Marie her teachers always rave about how sweet and helpful she is to them and her fellow students. I told her teacher now if we could just bring that attitude home more often lol.

Kevin and Marie did help me make dinner last night though. It felt nice all of us in the kitchen working together. I was letting Marie cut veggies, I was nervous but she did fine. We both cried over the onions though lol.

Today Nicholas and Marie had off school so Marie is at daycare and Nicholas is at Mike's work. Mike, Nicholas, my co-worker and I all went to lunch today. I should have checked the menu online before hand though as I would have saved myself about 300 calories but so be it, live and learn. It still wasn't super bad at 571 calories. Eating out these days is tough even when you think you're eating healthy. Since I don't eat any raw veggies either it makes it even more difficult. Anyway, it was nice going out with everyone.

After work I'll be heading to Lowes to buy paint and supplies for the cottage. Mike and Kevin got the floor in the kitchen fixed last night and so tonight it will be painting so that tomorrow we can start on the flooring. I'm hopeful by Tuesday or so we can have the place ready to show. Mike thinks that is ambitious but I figure worse case by the end of next weekend it will be ready which doesn't sound to bad to me. Maybe we will get a renter by the end of the year *crossing my fingers*.

I probably won't be going to the gym for awhile with all we have to get done in the next week. My exercise will be painting, putting flooring down and other odd jobs that need done. I'm sure I'll definitely work up a sweat and also have some aches and pains. Maybe the switching up of things will be a weight loss booster.

Well I better get some work done. I've been slacking this week and the boss gets back on Monday. I'm hoping next week I can bang out some of the work I need to get done.

Not sure how much computer time I'll get in this weekend but will try to at least read some blogs. Now my darn palm isn't working either so I don't even have that for Internet access. Guess I might have to kick Mike off his laptop a little bit this weekend.

Till next time...

Feeling Internal Anxiety

2009-11-04T15:22:00.006-05:00

Today is Wednesday which is TOPS and weigh-in. The scale looked ok this morning but it's been known to jump up by weigh-in time. I'm not letting it worry me though. I know the scale isn't the tell all of my progress.

I decided to take measurements this morning since I hadn't taken them in about 6 weeks. Well I was pleasantly surprised. I've lost a total of 4 1/4" off my body, 1/2" from my chest (not the best place to lose inches lol), 1" from my hips, 3/4" from each thigh and 2" from my waist. I was pretty amazed at the numbers. So though in that time I've only lost 5.25 lbs, it's all been fat, not any lean muscle. So I'm feeling really great about that. So when I weigh-in tonight it's just going to be a number.

I must admit my internal anxiety is pretty high today. I think it's about having so much to get done as quickly as possible and feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. I think too it's because I haven't been to the gym since Sunday. I definitely need a workout at least every other day or it throws me off my mental game big time. So tonight after TOPS I plan on heading to the gym.

I'm so happy to say that last night at the second store we found the exact amount of boxes of flooring that we needed, now if that isn't fate I don't know what is. I was so thrilled not to have to worry about that part of things now. Maybe it will mean we can get all the work done and get a new renter before the end of the year.

It was a long night though. I had told one of the TOPS chapters I would stop buy to drop off a few things they wanted and there was a big backup so I got there just as the meeting was starting. I wasn't planning on staying so I felt bad heading out so quickly. Mike and I had to get up the road though just in case we had to go to many different stores. Thankfully we didn't but still it was late before we finally got to stop to eat dinner.

I didn't eat the best at dinner last night there really seemed to be few good choices. I ended up picking a turkey burger which came out on a buttered grilled roll. So I cut it in half and packed up the rest for Kevin. I also had a few fries and 2 hot wings. I estimated my total for calories at 750 calories which was a heck of a lot for how much food I actually ate. Then I calculated up Mike's calories for his dinner and it came in at an estimated 2000, ekkk was all I could think.

Mike kept telling me I needed to let go of all my obsession over food and calories so that I could at least enjoy a dinner out. I know in one way he is right but I also know that's how I got so big in the first place by not worrying about what I put in my mouth.

It is a hard balancing act for me to let myself enjoy food without obsessing over it. I'm hoping at some point I can get to a point I don't have to worry as much. But the restaurant we picked definitely didn't have a lot of good choices when I don't eat salad. I think overall I did ok but I must admit the thought of eating out the night before weigh-in was freaking me out.

I also ended up with terrible indigestion the rest of the night. I just can't really eat any kind of greasy stuff anymore. I guess that's a blessing.

Well the kids will be here soon.

Till tomorrow...

Monday a day late

2009-11-03T09:09:00.002-05:00

Well my Monday was a pretty good day. It was busy and there was some grumpy time on the kids part but otherwise a decent day. I didn't get much work done. I just didn't feel motivated to work. I'm hoping today will be a better day for me. I'm just feeling pretty blah about work these days.

After work Marie decided she needed a nap. I wish I could get her sleep sorted out, she's as bad as me. Her thing is she gets up super early then by 5 or 6pm she's exhausted and wants a nap, then half the week she ends up sleeping through and then the cycle starts all over again. I'm not sure how to break her of it without us all being tortured by her meltdowns when she's tired like that.

Last night I let her nap for an hour before swim practice and that seemed to work out ok. That also gave Nicholas and I some quality time together, we played some uno.

Mike and Kevin went over to the cottage and started working on the rotten floor. Well as is always the case with our house it is more involved than first thought. So he will be replacing more stuff than we originally thought. At least it's not to bad and I was happy that they went over and started on it. I think with me doing the flooring I will push them more so we can stay on schedule. I told him I would like to start the flooring this weekend and get at least 2 rooms done. That will mean they have to paint those room first. It's going to be a busy week for all of us.

So last night was the first non-family swim night. It felt kind of sad to me but it's all up to Nicholas if he wants to have it again. I think he just enjoyed us playing cards though but I must admit I missed swimming my laps. I could have just swam while Marie had her practice and I think next Monday that's what I will do.

I'm still really sore from Sunday's workout. Not sure why it gave me so much more soreness than the other workouts. Thankfully though the stomach is still feeling ok.

Tonight Mike and I will be heading up the road in search of flooring. I printed out directions to 4 different home depot stores and hopefully between them we can get enough flooring to do the cottage. It will be a relief to me once we have the flooring in hand. Not that we can afford all this right now but it just is what it is. I'm actually looking forward to getting out with Mike for the evening though.

Tomorrow it is back to my home TOPS meeting. I've missed everyone a lot. Tonight is the end of our beans contest so I'm excited to see who wins. It will be fun to count all the beans. Think that's what our meeting is going to be, counting beans and talking about changes we'd like to make by the end of the year.

Food was good yesterday and the scale is showing me some love this morning. Hopefully the love will hang around till weigh-in tomorrow. I won't be getting in any exercise other than walking around all the home depots tonight. My plan is to try to keep the calories a bit lower today instead.

Parent teacher conferences are Thursday evening. I think Nicholas will have at least 1 D maybe 2. I'm hoping I'll be pleasantly surprised but not sure. I still think he's doing a lot better with things especially his attitude about school and home. He knows though that if there are D's he will lose his beloved Xbox on the weekends. But I've told him since the beginning of the school year it's all in his hands.

I had a new experience this weekend. When I went in Wal-mart I wanted to buy myself a few new size 14 pants. Well I found out that they don't sell the ones I've always bought in the normal ladies section of the store. I think I've officially out grown the big girl section. It feels really surreal to me. I guess this means I need to get myself a new style of dressing lol.

Well I've rambled enough. Hope everyone is having a good day.

Till tomorrow...

Sunday over all ready

2009-11-02T01:12:00.002-05:00

Here I sit at 1:12am not tired in the least. I had myself a 5 hour nap lol. So now I'll probably be up half the night. I hate when I do that but sometimes my lack of sleep during the week just catches up to me and I crash.

Well the renters left the place ok. They at least cleaned the fridge, stove and bathroom which are the big 3 for me. The floor in the kitchen is rotten by the door so we have to replace that. Then we decided we really do need to just replace the flooring in the whole place. It's like 9 yrs old and though I think we could make it through one more renter with a good shampoo I think it wouldn't really make sense to replace the flooring in the kitchen and bathroom and then just have to redo it in a year or two. Plus with new flooring throughout it will look a whole lot better. I'm not sure how we will get our flooring though we looked it up online and it said it was out of stock so we might have to spend a day riding up the road to the local store to see if they have any in stock.

Anyway, we have a lot of work to get done over there and not much time. I told Mike we really need to do our best to get it all done in 2 weeks so we can maybe by some miracle get it rented by December 1st. I don't think it's happening though. I have a feeling we aren't going to get a renter till the new year which really stinks. Sure wasn't something we needed right now. It will make Christmas super tight for us. But it just is what it is.

I did well today with exercise and food. Mike and I went to the gym and I got in my hour of weight training and hour of cardio. I'm sure that's what helped wear me out too. My arms feel like they want to fall off. I started the new section in BOM this week so the workouts are different and tougher. I'm hoping it will kick start the weight loss again. Lately I've been doing the treadmill at 8 incline which says it really burns the calories. I keep trying to run but my knees just don't like it. I don't know that I will ever be a runner. I really would like to be though. Maybe another 10-15 lbs gone will help. I did the treadmill for 50 mins and the recumbent bike for 20 on level 10/hills.

On the food front, Sundays seem to be my low calorie day. I don't set out for it to be but with journaling my food it's the pattern I see every single week. I ate in maintenance amounts Thursday, Friday and Saturday so I was due a lower calorie day anyway. The scale is showing me up a lb though. I made a big pot of soup today and also pumpkin protein bars which turned out really yummy. I also had pumpkin in cream of wheat this morning for breakfast which was yummy. I think I'm going to make up for my lack of pumpkin in the next few weeks lol. Maybe switching up the foods will help with the scale too.

Tomorrow is Monday already, feels like the weekend just flew by. I got a lot done though, caught up on the laundry which was huge for me. With a family of 5 it's a never ending battle at our house not to mention it all falls on me. I really should get the family more involved in helping. It's on the chore chart that they help but because I get lazy with it they do too. Now that it's all caught up though I plan on having family folding parties a few times a week. They tell me it's not a party to fold clothes but it's a party to me not having to do it all by myself lol.

My boss is out all week this week. I'm sure hoping I have more motivation this week than last. I seem to go through spurts. I have plenty of work to do though so I do need to get with it.

The journals I'm selling through TOPS came in Saturday so that will mean a trip to most of the chapters I visited in the past 2 weeks. But since I don't have to actually do anything but drop them off it shouldn't be a big deal. I'll probably mail them to a few of the chapters that were up the road. I put all the email addresses I got in my gmail account so I'm hoping I will get to know some of the folks a little better.

My stomach has been good the past several weeks. I think it's finally healing. It's hard to believe it has taken this long. Someone had said maybe it was a hernia and I got to worrying they were right. I did look it up and it is possible it could be but I wouldn't think it would be healing then. Anyway, I'm just glad to be back to weight training and not in pain.

Well I guess I'm going to watch one of my taped Oprah's or Dr. Oz's and have myself some more tea. I'm going to try to get my butt back in bed here soon so I'm not exhausted tomorrow.

Till tomorrow...

Eating out of sorts

2009-11-01T01:12:00.003-04:00

I'm on Mike's computer tonight. For some reason though I can't seem to comment on other people's blogs. Mike uses ubuntu so for some reason it acts weird with blogger. I'm just glad to be able to read and write mine at least.

For some reason the past 3 days I've been eating too much. I'm not eating bad foods just too much of the good stuff. I think I'm having internal anxiety over the cottage. I've been renting it for 12 yrs now, you would think it would be no big deal. I did something though I never do, I let the renters keep their deposit out of this months rent so what that did was give them no reason to come back and clean. They finally showed up today after 2 calls to them. I have no idea what it looks like over there though. I'm hoping they cleaned it. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when we go in to see. I know they never brought the key back to us. I know the worst that can happen is I have to do a lot more cleaning than I hope to. I know I won't do that again (give back the deposit early).

So I did make it to the gym last night. I put in my 2 hours and it felt good. Mike actually went with me and walked 3 miles. He hasn't been to the gym in over a month. I was glad he went, I hope he will be getting back into going regularly. He did comment that it wasn't that hard getting back into it which was good to hear. I didn't do any exercise today. Had it not been raining I would have walked my favorite road but when I got up to rain I just couldn't face walking on the treadmill at the gym.

I ended up just going to the grocery store. I did a big shop then came home and did a ton of laundry and some cooking. I'll do some more cooking tomorrow. I think it's going to be another week for soup. I bought some leeks this time which I've never had before. Should be yummy. Going to make my protein bars too but with pumpkin this week. Mike doesn't like pumpkin so I might be making 2 batches.

Kevin took the girl trick or treating for me tonight which was nice. She looked cute in her bunny costume. Shame on me for not getting any pictures. I really need to just go buy myself a new camera. She got a lot of candy and though everyone was offering me theirs I did good to get through the night with only one mini take 5 bar.

Since it was raining Mike and Kevin couldn't go get the drywall so still no walls in the bathroom. They worked on the electric (again) and after a TON of cussing from Mike nothing actually got accomplished. I keep wondering will the bathroom ever get done lol. At this point I'm not to concerned, just glad to have indoor plumbing.

I miss my computer terribly. I have all my goofy yahoo games and I hadn't realized just how much they can sooth my internal anxiety. I really should have just went to the gym at some point today to relieve some of it. Not sure why I didn't. Usually it is the first thing I choose to do. I will definitely go tomorrow though.

Guess I'll be going over and working at the cottage tomorrow too. I have to figure out what our plan will be. Mike and Kevin have to fix the floor in the kitchen over there first though before I can put down the new flooring. I hope the renters shampooed the carpet like they said they would. I must admit I really hate the whole re renting process. I just cross my fingers we can get a renter quickly.

What am I doing up so darn late. I did have a little nap tonight and a pot of hot tea. Guess it's time for more Oprah lol.

Till tomorrow...

TGIF

2009-10-30T09:00:00.004-04:00

I'm glad it's Friday and I'm glad all my TOPS meetings are over. I'm ready to get back to a normal schedule. I still have some paperwork to do for the meetings but not to bad. Last night's meeting was one of my favorites, I'm glad it was the last one so I could end on a really good note. The ladies were so welcoming and nice. It felt good being there and sharing my story. I feel like now when I go to TOPS SRD in March I will have faces in the crowd I know and that know me better.

Marie has her little Halloween party today. I hope she has a good time. I sewed her bunny tail on her pants last night and I think she's going to look really cute. When she dresses up tomorrow I will do a little bunny face on her. It's a bit sad to me that Nicholas doesn't want to dress up but I know he's growing up. I was happy for him though that his pumpkin did win a prize yesterday. I'm glad they noticed all his hard work. When I dropped off the pumpkins yesterday morning it was clear some "parents" had worked really hard on those pumpkins lol. In the past that would have been me but I felt good with myself that I had let the kids work on their pumpkins this year.

Tonight I plan on going to the gym and putting in an hour of weight training and an hour of cardio, I'm looking forward to it. I'm into a new workout in my BOM (Book of Muscle) so I'm hoping it won't affect my stomach. I think tonight is leg night though so I shouldn't have a problem. I do need to re look through my book though to make sure I'm understanding what I have written in my workout book. Tonight is the night the gym starts being open 24 hours which is kind of cool too. I think where that will benefit me the most is on the weekends because they use to be open only till 5pm.

Not sure if I mentioned it or not but my laptop is broke. It's been broke all week. The power jack plug isn't working. I took it to best buy for repair and they told me since they have to send it out it will be 2-3 weeks till I get it back, ekkk. I might get on Mike's computer to check blogs but I probably won't be commenting or posting till Monday.

Well I better get to work. The boss is out today and when I got here there were only 3 other people in the building so I think it's going to be a quiet day.

Till tomorrow...

Glad I didn't post yesterday

2009-10-28T11:20:00.012-04:00

I'm so glad I didn't post yesterday. I was feeling blah and had titled my post "blah blah blah" lol. Thankfully today things seem brighter.

I think part of yesterdays feelings were about weigh-in last night. I had tried hard to talk myself into skipping it. I had wrote a whole paragraph on why I was going to skip it. But then I got to thinking "Dawn grow up, face the music and move on". So that's what I did and though I did gain 0.8 lbs I know I had a really good week. I averaged 1800 calories a day and I put in 9.5 hours of exercise not even counting the 2 hours at the playground with the kids on Saturday.

I'm really tired of thinking about losing weight. I feel like I need a break. Yet I have this 18.6 lbs hanging over my head that I'm suppose to lose by the end of the year. I'm feeling like that was a goal I shouldn't have made for myself. Then I'm going to all these meetings spouting off about wanting to be queen. Thankfully I haven't said "this year" to anyone. I definitely need some refocusing on my goals for myself and what I really want.

A part of me wanted to dive into the candy bowl yesterday and have myself a "fun size" pity party. But I knew that wasn't going to fix how I felt and if anything it would have made me feel worse. But I did want to eat yesterday. I hate when I get to feeling that way. What the heck is my deal. I've lost all this weight I should feel ok about a slow week or even a slow month. It's OK, it's OK, it's OK. Why can't I get that through my head.

Then Tuesday was family swim night and as is ALWAYS the case we seem to have a nice time till the end when Nicholas or Marie get crabby and want to go. I never know which side to choose and usually just elect to leave. Then there is usually a battle in the car between the two of them. Then we get home and Marie usually has a meltdown from being tired. So anyway I've said until they can get along there will no longer be family swim night. Makes me feel sad but maybe we will be back to it soon with less fighting between them two.

I think having that go around with the kids helped though because last night they were both much nicer to each other. They ended up carving pumpkins for their school contest and Nicholas was so proud he did his all on is own. I dropped them off this morning and though I doubt they will win any prize I know they really enjoyed doing it.

On Tuesday after we got home from swimming I decided I was going out by myself. Not like out to party or anything lol just went to pick up the tags for the van, drop off my broken computer (yep the laptop is broke) and then return some kid clothes. After all that I did give thought to going to Panera bread for a milky coffee and a bagel or danish but I knew the mood I was in I might go a bit nuts so decided to just go home and have some of my homemade veggie soup and make myself a pot of hot tea which I did.

Poor Mike always feels like he's done something wrong when I get into those moods. I try hard not to lash out at him because I know we are in this together and the kids can drive him just as crazy as they can me. But I just wanted to go out alone so I didn't have to talk about anything for awhile.

I watched the biggest loser after that and thought about all Abby said about being present in her life. I keep wondering am I really present in my life? I know I have moments of being present but then I wonder if a lot of the time I hide out from it. When the kids fight and stuff goes on I just get so frustrated and wish I could run away. I know I can't be alone in my thinking but sometimes I don't feel good about how I wish I could run away.

I keep wondering too why aren't my kids kind to each other. I would never dream of talking to them the way they talk to each other. I keep wondering where it came from. Sometimes I feel like I've failed them some how because of my own issues. I feel like our live is in semi turmoil all the time. I'd like to think with time though we can change some of that. I'm feeling more hopeful today at least.

Therapy was yesterday thankfully and he made me feel better about my life and the issues in it. He made me realize that it's all about what mindset I'm in. It's about how I want to feel. Maybe I'm wanting to feel down and moody sometimes. Maybe I need a little pity party for myself once in awhile to actually have appreciation for everything. The bottom line though is it's ok to feel whatever way I do and just know it won't last forever.

Last night I went to my second to last TOPS meeting. I must admit it was my least favorite so far and I just felt a lot of negativity in the room especially from the ones leading the meeting. I would like to hope something I said helped but I don't know. The sad truth is I was anxious to get out of there. I'll be happy when tonight is over and I can get back to some normalness in my evening routines.

Poor Mike (didn't I already say that once? lol) had a busy evening last night too. He went to Kevin's cross country meet and then he went and got a second pumpkin so Marie and Nicholas would each have their own to carve and then he took Marie to swim lessons. In there too he cooked some burgers for us. He's a good hubby and dad. I did make sure I told him what my therapist said about how well he did in all the Kevin craziness and how he really did a great job calming down the situation and stepping up to the plate.

After the meeting last night I went to the gym and put in an hour of weight training and an hour of cardio. It felt soooo good to workout after so much going on in my head the past 2 days.

I'm hoping this week I'll be rewarded for all my hard work the past 2 weeks. My plan is to continue to stay focused and continue to make good choices in all areas of my life.

Someone asked about my lip, it turned black on Sunday and is just now lightening up. Who knows what people must be thinking lol but soon it will be back to normal thankfully.

Till tomorrow...

The darn scale

2009-10-27T09:00:00.004-04:00

I have talked so many times about the scale having power over me. I'm not sure why I let it but sometimes I'd like to take a hammer to it. I've had a good week, I've worked out well, ate well, etc. So why is the scale showing me at the exact same weight I was last week? Why did last week I see a great number and then like magic it jumped up a few lbs by weigh-in. You would think I would have it figured out by now. It's really annoying and frustrating.

I really think for me a lot of it has to do with stress. It seems when my stress is high the scale is up. But I feel like even with all the stress I'm eating well and still exercising. Can stress really keep the weight on? I still can't see how stress can do that. Maybe it's time I learned some meditation stuff maybe that would help. Definitely something for me to look into.

So yesterday I spent quite a bit of time on the telephone trying to figure out what to do about getting the nephew into therapy. My therapist (his old one) isn't a participating one for his insurance. So what that will mean is I have to use my new crappy insurance. Paying out of pocket for every visit is really stressing me out. Nicholas is in therapy too so it's going to start becoming big money. But I know they both need it. I'm only going once every 4-6 weeks so really not a big deal there. Anyway, I hate that having some kind of medical thing come along could put a family in the poor house.

I have therapy tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. I feel like though I'll end up talking about Kevin most of my hour which I really don't want to do. I feel like the kids take up so much of my brain power. Sometimes I wonder what I thought about before I had them lol. I guess back then I was working full time and going to college so I didn't have a lot of time to think about other things. I feel like I have put a lot more focus on myself but I sure still have work to do. Something to think about for sure.

So the TOPS meeting last night went fine. I must admit though it wasn't a lively bunch. There was a few that were very nice and I felt like got a lot out of the things I said but the rest just seemed to sit through my program with little interest. I know the weight loss journey is about each of us and my story is great for me but I know it's really not so much for someone that's still struggling.

After the meeting the leader talked to J about having more motivational speakers at our rallys and SRDs that would focus more on the people that are 300+ lbs. I thought to myself that sure was me, it might not be now but it was me almost my whole life. It made me feel like I wasn't motivational to the woman.

I really believe this is all a mindset. It's all about thinking positive and trying to find that inner "get up and do it". I think some just think it's so impossible for them so they don't want to even try. I know for the longest time that was me. Even now I sometimes have days of struggling. This is hard. Losing weight isn't the easy choice. But I do think it's worth it. I know I'm living my life way better now than I was. I'm actually participating in my life these days instead of just getting through it.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting through my last 2 meetings. I feel like I've reached out to a lot of new people and I'm hopeful something I said helped. But I do feel kind of worn down. I think that really isn't about all the TOPS meetings but more with all the other things in my life going on. I could really go for a vacation.

No matter what that darn scale says tomorrow I'm going to do my best not to let it get to me. I know I lived healthy this week and that's what counts.

Tonight is family swim night. Nicholas has therapy too so by the time I get home I'm going to be dragging for sure. I think tonight will be an early to bed night for sure. I'm thinking maybe getting more sleep might help the darn scale move too.

Till tomorrow...

Mentally Drained

2009-10-26T10:13:00.005-04:00

Well I'm mentally drained. I'm hanging in there though and hopefully things will improve. The nephew had a meltdown on Saturday evening. It was a doozy and very scary. Before I knew it he was outside trying to bust things up in a rage I have never seen him in before. He's had a few meltdowns before but nothing like that and nothing in a very long time.

I ended up with a fat lip out of it all. Nothing he did to me physically just one of those snowball affect things. The blind on the front door got all twisted all up when he flew out the door and when I went to go outside to see what he was breaking it swung back and smacked me in the mouth. So today I have a big dark bruise on my lip and Mike keeps teasing me that people will wonder if he's beating on me lol.

Anyway, I have told Kevin either he has to go to therapy or he won't be driving. He never did give me his decision but he did go on the bus to school today. I've put in a call to my therapist (his old one) so I will see what we can set up. He is 17 1/2 so there really isn't to much more I can do. But I told him that between now and 18 I will continue to do my best to help him and that no matter how old he is I will always be here for him.

Yesterday he had another mini meltdown. I think a lot of this has to do with his rocky relationship with his girlfriend. I wish he would let her go but really I know these are issues he has from childhood that no matter what relationship he's in are going to happen. He has a tough time expressing his feelings especially with girls.

When we went to bed last night I told him I wanted to give him a hug and he said "you want to hug me but I've been such an assh*ole" and I told him "well I still love you" and he said "I love you too aunt Dawn" and I think we both felt a lot better.

Through all that turmoil I really saw some things in myself that showed me how much I've grown. In the past sometimes I would yell back at him because I would turn it around and make it about me "how could he treat me this way" "how could he do this to ME" etc. But this time I put it into prospective and told him that this wasn't about me it was about him and that I wanted him to get help now so that he wouldn't be like me at 40 something just sorting himself out.

When he was younger I took him to therapy but he would never talk. I still don't know if he will talk but I figure I have to at least give it a try if he will go. I'm hopeful maybe he will realize it's not a bad thing to get some therapy.

Another thing I realized through all this is that I didn't turn to food in a crisis. On Saturday Mike and I ended up going out and though I had 2 drinks it wasn't about drinking it was about spending some quality time with him and just getting away. We went to a little local bar and we played some pool and some ping pong and we had a nice time. Of course we were old fogies and ended up back home by 10:30 lol but we still had a good time.

Yesterday when more turmoil arose I went to the gym. I put in 2 hours of weight training and cardio and I came back home calmer. I made my stir fry and got Mike and Kevin to both eat it for dinner. I felt like though it was all mentally draining to me I came through it all ok with no damage to myself.

Tonight is another TOPS meeting up the road. 3 more to go and then I'm done till next year. Hopefully I will feel calmer tonight knowing I can handle myself in any situation.

I have another super busy week ahead of me. But I'm ok with that. Tomorrow Nicholas has therapy, Marie has swim lessons then on Wednesday it's me with therapy and another TOPS meeting and then the last one is on Thursday with more Marie swim lessons.

Some where in all this I missed a family funeral. I came to work today and there was a msg from my mom from Friday. I feel terrible I missed it but really nothing I can do now. I plan on sending my great aunt (my grandmom's sister) a card. She is 94 and I can't imagine how tough it must be for her to go to her son's funeral.

Sorry to be a downer today. I'm really not feeling that mentally down just tired.

On a bright note I got to take a shower on Saturday. Mike and Kevin got the rest of the durarock up so I put the shower pole w/curtain between two 2x4's lol and wala. Marie was too funny when she kept oooooing and ahhhhing in the shower about how great it was with the new fancy shower head (it's huge). Anyway, one more step in the right direction. I just wish we could get some walls up in there lol. Hopefully this weekend it will happen.

Well till tomorrow...

A good Saturday

2009-10-24T17:09:00.002-04:00

I did get to the gym last night. I put in a hour of weight training, 35 mins on the treadmill and another 25 on the bike. I was definitely worn out when I got home but it felt good knowing I had a day all about me.

Today I woke up and decided I wanted to go for a hike. I tried to get Nicholas and Marie to go with me but they didn't want to. They always think of a hike as the 7 1/2 mile one we did around the lake the one time, torture they called it lol. But my plan was to find another place to hike not as long. So I looked online and came up with Calvert Cliffs State Park. So off I went on my own. It was a 2 mile hike to the beach and cliffs and then the walk back out. It was really peaceful even with the little bit of rain. I sat on the beach a bit and just enjoyed looking at the cliffs.

When I got home I told the kids about the cool tire playground I saw there and all of a sudden they were ready to go to the park. So I thought why not, so off we went back to the park. It was a lot of fun doing the tire opsticle course and swinging on the huge 10 tire swing. I climbed and swung and just acted like I was their age.

Then we all played in the sand pit for awhile till we were all pretty tired. Then we went to walmart and Marie got her Halloween costume (a bunny). Nicholas has decided he's to old to dress up this year. I was hoping he would want to at least one more year but I guess not. Hard to believe Halloween is next week already.

When we got home Marie was so tired she had to take another nap.

Mike and Kevin are working on the bathroom but it's not going all that good. I wish I could find someone that could just finish it for us.

Well till tomorrow...

Home today

2009-10-23T16:06:00.002-04:00

Well my last TOPS meeting of the week went well last night. J almost made me cry though with her surprises, she is always surprising me with something. I wish I was as good a friend to her as she is to me. As I was giving my program when I got to the part of telling everyone my next goal was to be the Maryland TOPS queen and I was talking about my picture of a crown on the fridge at home J pulled out a little crown from a bag. It was silver with little plastic pink gems and it made me well up inside. So now I have a real physical reminder for my goal.

The meeting went good last night and everyone was very sweet to me as always. I actually met a former king and queen husband and wife there which was very cool. Also the leader had been queen about 20 yrs before. It's really cool meeting the people that have been at their maintenance weight for years. In this months TOPS news magazine it showed a picture of a woman that has been at maintenance for 48 yrs, now that is something to be amazed at.

Well I woke up this morning worn out and not feeling very good. So I made the decision to just stay home. It was a good decision. After getting the kids on the bus I made up a weird concoction in the kitchen for breakfast that was kind of ok, at least edible lol and then I went back to bed till noon. It felt great to sleep those extra hours. When I got up I felt a lot better. So I had lunch and then I decided to take a walk.

So off I went down my favorite road. What a beautiful day it is here today, sunny and bright and a nice cool 68 degrees. I must admit as I jogged a little I felt the tired feeling coming back over me so I slowed it down to a brisk walk. I rounded my first loop at the end of the road. There was a man out mowing I waved, he waved. I feel like I know the people that live on my favorite road. I know the people that care for their yards lovingly. I know a few by name, definitely a lot by sight. I'm sure I've waved at everyone on that street at least once.

As I finished my second loop around and headed back up the road when I reached near the end a man was in his yard. I've seen him but never spoke. It was clear today he wanted to speak to me *smile*. So we talked about eating less and walking and just general health things. After we finished talking and I headed back up the road I got to thinking of all the things I didn't say to him. The one thing I did make sure I said though was that it was all in his hands, all up to him, a choice he had to make for himself. That really is the bottom line isn't it? Doing this for ourselves. Making the time to work for what we want. The man talked a lot about not having the time, but we all know we make time for what we want to.

After my walk I came home, had a little yogurt and fruit and then took a nice hot bubble bath. I plan on going to the gym tonight and trying to put in 2 more hours of exercise. I feel like I owe it to myself. I really want a good lose on Wednesday.

Goodness is it quiet in here lol. I'm glad I gave myself this day alone, I think we all need one every now and then.

Till tomorrow...

This mornings meeting

2009-10-22T11:56:00.004-04:00

This morning was a tough meeting for me. I had given myself a ton of time so that I would be 30 mins early. But then I got lost so I didn't get there till the meeting had already started. Thankfully it had just started so it wasn't to bad.

My anxiety was so high from being lost though so it was tough when it came my turn to get up in front of everyone. J always wants my before pictures passed around too which makes it even tougher. All of us enjoy praise but a part of me also likes to hide in the shadows and stay un-noticed. So getting up in front of everyone brings this fear over me and anxiety that compares to few other things.

So I got up there and I got through my program and I thought I did pretty well with it all in spite of feeling like a train wreck inside. But then the questions started coming. Questions that I spit out answers to with hesitation and not enough thought. One of the first was had I had surgery. Well at first I said no. But then I knew I needed to tell the truth. So I confessed to having my stomach stapled at age 15 when I weighed 350 lbs. Then I went on to tell the rest of the story of losing about 100 lbs and then gaining it all back plus more up to my high weight of 378 lbs. More questions came and soon I was talking about being in therapy and being large all my life, bad childhood and not even wanting to live at age 15 at that size. I felt like I just spilled out every deep inner thing about myself.

After the meeting was over people came up and thanked me and hugged me and told me how great I looked and how inspirational I was for them. But for me things kept going through my head like "how could I tell total strangers all that about myself" "what do they really think of me" "will they judge me". Then I also thought about how I talked about surgery when J was sitting right next to me having had surgery and having lost all her weight. I hadn't even given her consideration.

So many times I've judged the people that have had surgery. I've felt resentment and bitterness at them about taking the easy way out. But I sure know surgery wasn't/isn't the easy way. I also know that it doesn't fix everyone. But I've also found that it can be the tool that fixes some people. Tonight when I see J I will have to apologize to her. I know when I talked about surgery I only gave thought to my words for myself not for others that surgery has worked for.

I've said so many times that this is a personal journey. Sure people can look at me and use me as an example of how surgery didn't work but healthy eating and exercise finally did. But really I'd like to be an example of how dealing with my inner self and past has changed my future. That learning to believe in myself, learning that EVERYTHING is in my own hands is really what brought me to where I am today. Also, learning to love the person I am everyday.

It's so hard to fit everything into 30 mins of talking to people. It's so hard to convey to them that really anything can help if they want it to. That each of us is strong and each of us have gifts and that each of us can create any life we want to for ourselves. It really is all in our own hands.

I think what I'd like to give each person I meet is hope and faith within themselves. We are all extraordinary people in our own way and we all have something to offer to others but first we really need to start offering that love and support to ourselves.

I'm off to another meeting tonight. It's funny how each meeting is suppose to be the same program that I read/do but each meeting has been a new learning experience for me. I'm feeling really glad to have the opportunity to meet so many new great people.

I've said for a long time that one of the things missing for me is more people in my everyday life. Well this is my chance to change that for sure *smile*. I'm thankful for everyone here too. This blog, TOPS, so many things have really helped to enrich my life. Today I'm feeling really THANKFUL.

Till tomorrow...

Made it through

2009-10-21T09:35:00.004-04:00

Well I made it through the meeting last night. I was a nervous wreck, shaky hands and voice and all. But I think I did well and several people came up to me afterwards and asked some questions and said I did a good job. I got a lovely email from a woman today too saying I had re-motivated her and that she hoped I would come visit their chapter again soon. There were about 15 people there. Tonight's meeting was a small group of 6 but it was again very nice and everyone very welcoming. Tomorrow I have double meetings one in the morning and another in the evening. Hopefully after those two, next weeks won't seem to scary.

I was thinking today that sometimes we are pushed towards something (literally in my case by J) that we are scared to death of but that is really a blessing. I really think I could help motivate people if I can get over my fears. As for weigh-in it wasn't much, only lost 0.4 lbs this week. Not sure what happened since when I weighed myself on Monday I was down 4 lbs. Maybe the stress got to me or maybe it was because it was a different scale. Anyway, hopefully next week will be better.

I did come home last night and do a 2 mile walking DVD with 10 lb dumbbells since I knew I wouldn't be making it to the gym. Guess I'll probably do that tomorrow too. Friday though I plan on putting in a 2 hour workout at the gym.

I'm not sure what my weekend plans are. I really need to work over at the cottage and put new flooring down but I don't think the renters have all their stuff out. I think I will call them tomorrow to ask. They have till the end of the month but I was hoping since they had already moved we could get in there a little early.

Well I'm pretty beat so think I'm going to take a nice hot bath and hit the hay early.

Till tomorrow...

meetings and more meetings

2009-10-20T09:32:00.005-04:00

I'm feeling nervous about tonight. I've been to this TOPS chapter before and everyone is really nice and very welcoming so I don't know why I'm feeling nervous. It's just how I am I guess. I think I'm well prepared and will do fine with my program. I keep wondering though why am I doing this? Why am I area captain when I have so many social fears and phobias? I know they say doing stuff you don't usually do helps you to grow and I guess that's true. But goodness is it emotionally tough sometimes. Anyway, I'm not eating over it at least.

I have a meeting tonight, one tomorrow night and then 2 more on Thursday. Next week it will be one on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Then Marie has swimming lessons tomorrow and Thursday and then starts level 2 on Monday and Wednesday, ekkkk is all I can say. Oh yea and next week Nicholas has therapy on Tuesday and I have it on Wednesday. I feel like I'm going to be half crazy by the time next week is over. I have to fit in putting the new flooring down over at the cottage too and getting that ready to rent. Then it will be people and more people wanting to come look at it lol. I guess it's all a good test for me. I have to work Monday through Friday in there too.

Yesterday went fine for a Monday. I was feeling really tired though. Still think I caught something from Mike. He's pretty worn out too yet he won't take a sick day. I think it would do him good to just lay in the bed one full day but that's not him. He did at least go to bed early last night which hopefully helped him today.

Last night was family swim night. I got my 30 mins of laps in but boy was I feeling it in my arms and stomach. Mike and Kevin never showed up but Nicholas, Marie and I still had a good time. It was kind of chilly though, the water wasn't as warm as last week. Marie has 2 more days of lessons. I need to sign her up for level 2. She's doing really well the teacher said and I can see a big difference in her swimming abilities. I think swimming is going to be her thing she really enjoys it.

When I got home last night I was beat so I just ate left over stir-fry and made pizza dogs for everyone. Those things are just yummy. I even found low fat pepper jack cheese this time at the store so knocked off a few more calories. The fat free hot dogs aren't bad either. I try to only eat them every other week or so though because they do have a lot of sodium and I've really been trying hard to limit my sodium and processed foods. I think it really helps with my weight loss too.

I think weigh-in tomorrow will be pretty good. I'm looking to hit at least my 2 lb goal for the week.

I'll confess the past few week the loose skin has been on my mind. I've been looking online at plastic surgery procedures for a body lift and also to remove loose skin on the upper arms. After losing all this weight I do feel like a train wreck naked lol.

I have been doing weight training for almost 2 yrs and I know no matter how much I do this loose skin isn't going away without surgical help. I've pretty much decided that once I reach goal after a year of maintenance I will probably get a few things done. I feel like I've worked hard and I deserve to feel good in my body. I do think I'm pretty excepting of myself. I can look in the mirror and see what is good about my body. But I also know that the extra skin does bother me.

When I was at the workshop on Saturday a lady and I talked. I met her over a year ago and I really like her. She told me she had lap-band surgery 5 yrs ago which I didn't know. After talking for a little bit I felt compelled to tell her I've been in therapy for several years.

I've thought about this a lot during my 27 months of weight loss that some people don't need therapy to lose weight but I've also realized that some people could benefit from it. I know for myself being large all of my life I had some deep deep issues that I had never dealt with also a lot of childhood stuff. I think dealing with some of that stuff and making some valuable connections about my behaviors and the relationship to food has really set me free to lose this weight and realize I can keep it off for life.

This is definitely a very personal journey and after all the blogs I've read I know my way is made just for me. Of course I can give some tips or suggestions to others but I still think each of us has to find our own path that works best for us.

Well I better get back to work.

Till tomorrow...

Another rainy day

2009-10-18T19:03:00.002-04:00

Well it rained again today. At least not a down pour. Mike and Kevin were able to repair the roof (in two places) so I'm hoping it's a good permanent fix. Our roof has leaked since we bought the darn place almost 13 yrs ago. It had like 4 chimneys (we only have one fireplace) and I think that's part of the trouble with our roof issues. I have lots of leaking roof stories.

Also with our house if you fix something, something else happens. So about 6 yrs ago the roof started leaking around the diningroom light. I was worried someone would get electrocuted or the house would burn down so I finally got Mike to do something. So his father comes from Kentucky and together they put a second layer of shingles on the roof over the diningroom. Well his dad heads on home. So one night I'm woke up wondering what the heck is going on and soon realize that water is dripping on me laying in my bed. So the repair in the diningroom ended up with a leak over my side of the bed, figures huh? lol That was when I finally decided to put a new roof on and here we are 5 yrs later with like our 5th leak. It's never ending.

Anyway, yes our house is like that movie the money pit except when we are done with the repairs it sure won't be that huge glamorous house in the movie lol. It will still be this little crappy 1500 sq ft rambler built by the 7 hilly billy brothers in 1950 lol. But maybe at some point I'll grow to except it. Making the best of it right?

As for me, I had something weird happen this morning. I got up and ran my bath water because I planned on going to the grocery store. I always take a really hot bath. So I got in, bathed, ran the jets awhile, just enjoyed it. But when I got out all of a sudden I got dizzy like I felt like I was going to pass out. So I sat on the toilet and then all of a sudden I felt like I was going to vomit, I started heaving. It cleared up a little but by then my hands were shaking like I was having a sugar low so I hurried and made myself some breakfast and after I ate I was fine. Weird.

After I got dressed I did go to the grocery and then I went to the gym for a killer 2 hour workout again. That last 30 mins was the hardest but I made it through. Not many people there on Sundays which is nice. Then I came home and fixed a nice dinner. I'm feeling pretty darn tired so I should sleep like a baby tonight.

Tomorrow is family swim night. I'll put in my 30 mins of laps but I have a feeling that might be my last exercise till Friday again. I have TOPS meetings Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at other locations. Hope where I'm at on Wednesday the scale will be the same or at least close to our chapter scale. I would hate to have any kind of surprise. I'm a bit nervous about all my meetings this week but I know everyone will be nice even if I mess up.

Think I'm going to make a small pot of yummy decaf hazelnut creme coffee. I bought some new tea too today at the store. I've found I really can enjoy shopping without feeling the overwhelming urge to buy junk. I notice though that I still buy some processed foods for the family. It's definitely improved but there's still room for more.

Till tomorrow...

Saturday, cold and wet

2009-10-18T00:25:00.004-04:00

Well I did make it to the gym Friday night. I put in 2 hours, a hour of cardio and a hour of weight training. It felt REALLY good. It always feels better when I'm working out. I think I always have an inner voice telling me when I'm not working out I'm failing. I do know sometimes I'm just sick or need a small break. I know I will always get back to it. It's about reminding myself that I'm doing ok and a few missed days of workouts doesn't mean failure.

This morning I woke up late and got myself together in 10 mins before J showed up at 7 for us to hit the road. It was a rainy, cold, dark day but I think a good day to have something motivational to look forward to. We picked up 2 other TOPS ladies before heading up the road. It was a really good workshop. About 20 people showed up which I thought was a good amount. I felt like I learned a lot of things I didn't know about TOPS before.

I plan on going to the gym tomorrow for another good workout. I'm trying to make up for lost time. I think it's suppose to rain all week so no walk in the morning. I do think the weather is a factor in how I've been feeling blah lately. Hopefully we will get some sunshine at some point soon.

Mike is feeling crummy so little got accomplished on the bathroom so far this weekend. Plus with all the rain we have realized we have a leaking roof now lol. My house is a pit what can I say. So tomorrow will be spent fixing the roof. The problem is the old toilet vent, evidently they loosened it in the roof and now it's leaking around it. Did I say my roof is only about 5 yrs old and we've had it leak at least 3-4 times in that time. It's like it has secret holes in it lol.

Well till tomorrow...

Dragging

2009-10-16T15:08:00.004-04:00

I've been dragging this week. Haven't exercised since Monday when it was family swim night. Just haven't had the get up and go. I'm going to make myself go to the gym tonight though if I want to or not. I know I need it mentally. Been feeling really blah and moody and I know it's from lack of moving.

Think I caught a touch of whatever Mike has because I'm just dragging in the mornings. I didn't get to work till 10 yesterday or today. I almost thought about just staying home both days but forced myself to go in since I had a meeting with our financial guy yesterday about my projects.

I'm glad it's Friday. Come in late, leave early, lol but Kevin has practice today so I need to get home to the other two since they all had off today.

Tomorrow I'm going to a TOPS workshop up in Annapolis, should be fun. I hate the thought of having to get up so early though, guessing J and I will be leaving at like 7-7:30am to get there by 9am.

We went and paid for our cabinets last night. Boy are they pretty. The Amish guy said we could leave the cabinets there a few more weeks. We took the hardware with us too so he will put on the knobs and pulls. I can't wait till the bathroom is done. I feel like Kevin and Mike's motivation to get it done is waining though since we finally have indoor plumbing again.

I'm not sure if I'm going to do weight training tonight or not it will depend on how I feel when I get there. My stomach feels ok so I probably will try to. I would like to put in at least a hour of weight training and an hour of cardio if I can. Tomorrow I'll miss my walk in the morning since I'll be going to the workshop. Maybe though on Sunday I can work in a walk in the morning and then some weight training in the afternoon. I really hate when I miss several days it makes me feel like I'm behind.

My eating has been good. Mike and I went out to dinner last night after going to the cabinet guys house. We went to a diner but I did well with my food, got broiled tilipia which was really good. Ended up bringing most of it home though and having it for lunch today.

I wanted to thank Katie J for her award she gave me the other day. I always think it's sweet that people give each other awards.

Till later...

Need a rest

2009-10-14T15:19:00.006-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I felt like I was hit by a bus. I was just bone tired. I went and got the kids then took Nicholas to his Ortho appt then we stopped at Wal-mart for a few things. I had every intention of going to the gym afterwards but I just couldn't muster up the get up and go. I ended up coming home fixing everyone something to eat then I just crashed. I slept for 3 hours. The poor kids had to get their homework done and get their baths on their own. I woke up at 10pm to a quiet dark house. I was proud of the kids for getting themselves to bed on their own.

I ended up watching my taped biggest loser and then 2 of my taped Oprah's waiting for Mike and Kevin to get home. I also took a nice hot bubble bath and just relaxed. The guys arrived home at about 1:30am. They both said they had a nice time.

This morning I woke up with TTOM. I was still bone tired too and didn't really feel like even going to work but I drug myself out of the bed, got the kids lunches packed and them out the door then I crawled back in the bed for about 15 mins then got my butt up and ready and off to work.

I'm still kind of dragging but hanging in there. I came home with the kids, helped them with their homework then headed to TOPS. Mike wasn't feeling well so he just came home and went straight to bed. Hope I haven't caught what he has since it's been hanging on him for like 2 weeks.

TOPS went good. I lost 2 lbs this week which felt good. That darn scale is a mystery to me even after all this time. My food was almost the same this week as last and I actually only exercised 4.5 hours this week compared to almost 7 hours last week. There are just so many factors in losing weight. That's why sometimes I just wish I had a blueprint to follow that would always equal what was mapped out. I'm just happy to be working my way away from that 200 mark though.

I think I'm heading off to bed early tonight. I think I just need a good rest.

Till tomorrow...

Going along

2009-10-13T10:52:00.006-04:00

Seems like the days are going by quickly and I have so much on my plate over the next several weeks. I'm trying not to let it all overwhelm me.

The rest of my weekend was pretty uneventful. Mike and Kevin got the rest of the wall up between the livingroom and bathroom so now we are back to just 2 open doorways into the bathroom so a bit more private. At least now we have a wall behind us when we bath instead of a sheet lol. We still all instinctively yell "I'm going to the bathroom" whenever we go in there so no one will walk in on us. I wonder how long we will do that even after we have a door lol.

I got in another walk on Sunday. I've started going up another side road to make my full hour since I'm jogging a bit more. It's just the right amount extra and I get to see even more of my area. It was chilly on Sunday, 56 degrees, but still very sunny and nice.

The kids and I didn't end up doing anything since neither of them wanted to go to the appreciation day thing or parade. My kids seem to just want to hang around at home on the weekends and play. So I ended up just doing housework, going to the grocery store and doing some cooking. It was really a pretty relaxing day.

I debated about even mentioning this since I know everyone will lecture me. But I'm having stomach pain again. I have no idea what causes it and I really don't want to blame it on weight training since the pain didn't start till Sunday and I hadn't been to the gym since Thursday. I almost wondered if it wasn't from *wink wink* lol Saturday night but that seems a bit crazy too since I'm not like swinging from the ceiling or anything (did I really just type that?) lol.

Anyway, I still don't want to go to the doctors because honestly I don't think they will find anything serious. It isn't like it's some horrible pain I don't even have to take motrin or anything for it. But it does make me fear the shooting pains starting again though so far I've been careful how I bend over, etc. so that hasn't happened.

I even went swimming last night and did my 30 mins of laps without anything terrible happening. I really feel it's like the doctor said scar tissue that gets bothered by something I'm doing and acts up. My girlfriend (who is a nurse) says that scar tissue can take up to a year to heal sometimes. So I'm just going to keep going along and be careful and hope it continues to get better.

With the stomach issues though I'm going back to just cardio for a week or so to try to feel as good as I was before at least so tonight will be treadmill/bike at the gym. Truthfully (I don't want Jack to hear me say this) it seems with just doing cardio the weight comes off a bit quicker. I still believe building muscle from the beginning has been a benefit to me and has let me eat more food through my journey. But I know everyone's journey is different too.

Nicholas, Marie and I are on our own tonight as Kevin and Mike will be off to a KISS concert up in DC. They are both pretty excited about it (especially Mike) and it will be Kevin's first concert. I could have went but I feel Kevin deserves it more and will enjoy it more. I'm not a big rocker after all lol.

Nicholas has an Orthodontist appt today and then I think we will go to Wal-mart for a few things. After that I plan on going to the gym and then I guess we'll head home. I would go to dinner or something but tomorrow is weigh-in and I want to know what I'm eating tonight.

Thursday there is a big meeting at the kids school. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be about money again. The kids school almost got closed last year due to lack of funds. With paying tuition it gives me a bit of heartburn that they want even more money from us parents. It wasn't my idea to have my kids go to Catholic school but I really would like to get Nicholas through the 8th grade now (he's in 7th this year).

Friday I guess we'll be heading up the road to the Amish guy's place to see our new cabinets. I'm hoping he will be ok with keeping them a bit longer for us otherwise we will be having cabinets sitting in our livingroom floor.

Starting next week I will be visiting my area TOPS chapters and doing a program for them. It's causing me anxiety but I guess it's good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I will be visiting 7 chapters in 2 weeks so I have a feeling my only exercise will be what I can fit in my livingroom.

Our renters moved their big stuff out over the weekend so soon we will be over there fixing things, putting in new kitchen flooring and painting to get it ready to rent again. All the renting falls on me (it's all about the vibe) so I need to start preparing myself for that. I'm hopeful I can find someone suitable quickly. Last time it took us 2 full months and the time before that 3. It's a decent little one bedroom cottage with everything included so it seems we get a lot of people that want it but also a lot we wouldn't want as neighbors. So I'm crossing my fingers someone nice will come along quickly.

We had a good family swim night last night. It ended up Marie's instructor has to take the week off at the doctors request so I'm off the hook tomorrow which is good since Wednesdays are crazy now trying to get her to swim lessons and then get to TOPS on time. Mike did show up to the pool last night and swim with us which was nice. Kevin elected to go hang out with his friend after practice. I know he's at the age that hanging out with us isn't his first choice.

I'm hoping tomorrow at weigh-in I'll see a lose. I've been seeing a good number on the scale most of the week so I'm hopeful it will stick around for tomorrow. I haven't planned my program for tomorrow yet so I need to get crackin tonight. Think it's going to be out of our workbook.

My food has been good this week. I'm averaging about 1800 calories a day again this week with very little process foods. I'm also still journaling my food. I've noticed I'm high on protein and healthy fat (eat nuts everyday) but still need more improvement getting in more fruits and veggies.

Well I've rambled enough.

Till tomorrow...

Feeling sunny even though it's cloudy

2009-10-10T11:00:00.003-04:00

Nicholas said I woke him up this morning with my humming lol. I guess that isn't the worse way to wake up. Then he said "boy you're in a good mood" and it made me smile. My weekend morning walks always make me feel good. It's cloudy today but still a beautiful day. Not sure what I'm going to do but I'm sure I'll find something.

I think tomorrow I'm going to take Nicholas and Marie to appreciation day at the Calvert marine museum over on Solomon's Island. Should be fun, they have a parade too. Nicholas has been asking to rent a paddle boat too which I haven't been on since I was little so maybe we can do that too.

Mike and Kevin made a little progress in the bathroom last night. We now have a wall (well the frame part anyway) again between the livingroom and bathroom. I'm hoping by the end of the weekend they will have the dorarock (sp?) in so maybe we can start showering.

Last night I didn't exercise. I thought about it a lot but my body was just worn out from 3 days of weight training this week after being away from it for awhile. I think the day of rest did me good. I felt great when I walked this morning. I thought about going to the gym today but think I'm going to wait till tomorrow and give my body an extra day. My stomach has been feeling tight so I don't want to push it.

As for food yesterday, it wasn't the best. It seems Friday is my day that I go over my calories some. Mike and I went out to lunch and then for dinner I had Sean's pizza dogs (440 calories) which wasn't so bad but more sodium than I usually have and no veggies. Then I just felt like I wanted to eat so I made a pot of hot tea and my protein bars and had one of those with tea and milk. My calories were over but hopefully I can make up for it today and tomorrow.

Well I don't really have much to talk about today so think I'm going to go play some build-a-lot 4 before hitting some house work.

Till tomorrow...

Feeling determined

2009-10-09T09:24:00.005-04:00

I've been feeling really determined since getting into onederland not to get out of it again. I have a little fear going on that I didn't really mention on weigh-in day. I was obsessing over the scale all day so I had come home before TOPS and changed my clothes (I was wearing jeans). Well really I changed my clothes about 3 times trying to find something that weighed less and that hid all my lumpy parts.

After I got in the car with Mike I kept wondering what the heck was that all about. It's not like my change in clothes was going to make all that much difference. I talked to Mike about it too and thought "man I hate when I get this way". I hate obsessive about my appearance and definitely about the scale. I thought I had let most of that silliness go. I know deep in my heart if I'm eating well and exercising the weight will come off. I really just need to try this week to be less obsessive and just more determined. There is definitely a difference between the two.

Last night I went to the gym and I did 10 mins on the treadmill then did a hour of weight training and another 50 mins between the treadmill and the recumbent bike. I figure if I up the cardio some on weight training days (was doing about 30 mins) it will help. I also need to start calculating estimated calories burned so I can see if there is a pattern.

I hate being back to counting everything but if I want to get this 20 lbs off by the end of the year I need to do this. I know it will make me feel great to finally reach goal too. I feel like I've been on this journey far to long (27 months now). I'm ready for the maintenance part of the journey to begin.

I wish I had more inspirational things to say. Lately I've just been kind of going through the motions of everything. I feel like the family and I have conquered some problems but we also still have many ahead. We now have the tub and toilet in the house but our bathroom is far from finished. Hubby and the nephew have a ton of work left to do. Mike's been sick the past week too so his energy and mood haven't been the best. He also has to work tomorrow so I guess Sunday will be their only day to work on the bathroom. I know they are both pretty sick of it.

The Amish guy called today and our cabinets are done. We have no where to put them so I told Mike lets just go pay him and see if he can keep them for a few more weeks. He has a big workshop so I'm hoping that will be ok.

Then we have to start thinking about the cottage. My co-worker gave me a good suggestion of just putting the little vinyl tiles in the kitchen over there so we won't have to redo all the flooring till next time. We also have to paint over there. Then I have to go through the process of finding a renter. I'm hoping it won't take as long as the last 2 times.

Mike and I went to lunch today at the local Indian place. I thought I did pretty well but just eating out costs you extra calories. I'm feeling all sleepy this afternoon now. Also feeling like I want to eat even though my belly is full. I've found when I eat more starch/fat/sugar I want more starch/fat/sugar. I have to remind myself of that beforehand.

I don't have any plans for the weekend but I'm thinking it would be nice to do something with the kids on Saturday since Mike has to work. I'll have to give it some thought.

I'm ready for the work day to end. I'm excited about it being Friday.

Till tomorrow...

Weigh-in Wednesday

2009-10-07T20:45:00.002-04:00

Well tonight at TOPS I lose 1 lb. Not what I had hoped for or felt like I worked for but I'll take it. I journaled my food all week and stayed within my calories. I also put in almost 7 hours of exercise, 3 of those weight training. Anyway, I'm going to just work as hard this week and hopefully next week I'll be rewarded bigger.

Till tomorrow...

Feeling it

2009-10-07T13:45:00.006-04:00

Last night I went to the gym and got in 30 mins of cardio and 60 mins of weight training. I haven't done 3 weight training workouts in a week in a few months so it's felt good this week. With all the stomach issues I was having I was being careful. But I think my stomach issues are heading down the road. I still have some tightness going on but nothing to bad. I'm definitely feeling last night and Sunday's workout in my muscles today which makes me feel good.

On Sunday I did the chest workout I had been avoiding since it seemed after that is when I would have the worse stomach issues. But so far so good so I'm thinking I can continue with weight training next week.

What this also means is maybe Mike will get back into his walking at the gym again. He didn't go with me other than Thursday this week but at least he went once. He's been working on the bathroom in the evenings too so that is a little bit of a workout. He's had a cold this week too so I'll cut him a break. The scale has been creeping up on him though so I don't want to see his hard work get side tracked. I know he has to want it for himself though too.

Tonight is TOPS, I'm hoping for at least a small lose. First Wednesday of the month is exercise for the group so it will be fun doing that with everyone. Seems though on exercise night half the people stay home lol. I need to work on that with everyone. Seems my chapter is afraid of exercise.

I had a go around with Nicholas today when he got here (they have a half day today). It was really a talk for both him and Marie but he took it to heart and I embarrassed him. He told me he just didn't want me to talk to him anymore. I told him I was his mother and I could talk to him if I wanted to (typical mom words). He wanted to go to Mike's work after that but he's here with me. I told him he can't just run away from me when he's mad. Oh well such is life with a 12 yr old (with all kids for that matter).

Looking at my pictures I posted yesterday I still find myself picking out what I don't like about myself. I do notice good changes though. I probably should have worn a lighter colored shirt though. Oh well, at least I got a picture taken.

Karen mentioned Marie's little signs on her bedroom door. I think they are cute too. She started calling Nicholas buddy when she was little because that's what I always called him. It just stuck. We call her Sissy too. I think it's a Kentucky thing (Mike's from there).

Well Mike came home yesterday and fixed the backwards/drippy faucet. Him and Kevin also got the jets working on the tub. They don't work good though so we need to call the manufacturers back and see what the deal is, seems it doesn't want to stay primed. But we all did take baths and test out the new tub. It's definitely better than a camp shower out back lol. Now if we can just get some walls up in there.

Oh, I keep meaning to mention how I hate how the followers thing works now. It use to be you could just click on a person's picture and it would take you to their webpage now it doesn't work that way and sometimes you can get to their bio page and sometimes you can't. I'm not sure how that all works. It's annoying though.

I thought I had more to talk. I'm pretty busy at work so I better get back to it.

Till tomorrow...

Tuesday and the new van

2009-10-05T16:08:00.013-04:00

Yep, I finally did it, I bought a new (used) van yesterday. I'm feeling ok about it. Usually I have buyers remorse but it's not to bad this time. It might kick in tomorrow or next week but I'm hoping not.

I'm feeling good today. A bit tired, been staying up to late but overall good. I feel pretty driven this week. The food has been ok overall. I think I've done well with it only going over my calories one day this week. I think journeling my food is a good thing. I also have been doing my best to get in a good variety of exercise and have put in over 5 hours so far this week. I'm hoping to be able to put in at least a hour of something tonight too.

I'm ready for weigh-in tomorrow and looking for a lose. When I've gotten on the scale I have not seen above 200 this week so I'm pretty sure I should be able to swing staying below. For me, it seems my mental block is always till I reach my milestone but after that it seems like I'm ok.

I'm sure you all want to know about the bathroom lol. Last night Mike and Kevin worked on the faucet pipes. It didn't go the greatest, I guess the more expensive the faucet/shower/controls the harder it is to put it in. So after hours of working on it and a trip to Lowes finally at 11pm last night we ended up with a leaking bath tub faucet lol. To say Mike was not in a good mood is an understatement. Then topping it off we plugged in the tub after filling it up and the jets didn't come on, nothing at all happened. So I currently have a broken tub and leaking faucet but I did get my butt in there and take a nice hot bath and it felt great.

It was actually my second bath since the night before last I was so bummed about not having the faucet in that I went through the torture of dumping about 10 gallons of water in the tub so I could take a bath anyway.

Mike called the tub people today and got a few ideas of what could be wrong so I'm hopeful tonight we can at least test the jets and make sure they work. With only a sheet separating the tub from the livingroom I can't say it feels private in any way taking a bath but once the kids are in bed it's not to bad other than Mike wanting to peep in at me (his recliner is right next to the sheet) lol.

Yesterday was family swim night. We really didn't stay that long about a hour and a half. Marie was hungry and cranky after her lesson so we ended up heading home. I did get in 30 mins of laps though. It really kicked my butt. I did the backstroke because of my belly so my shoulders are hurting a little today. It might be too from going to the gym on Sunday. I've gotten in 2 weight training workouts this week so far. I was thinking about going tonight but I'm not sure I can swing it yet, will depend on what Mike needs to do. There might be another trip to Lowes in his future lol.

I have chicken cooking in the crockpot so will have a yummy dinner tonight. A co-worker (one that joined TOPS) gave me a white sweet potato today too so think I will have that tonight with my chicken and a veggie. I can't wait to try the sweet potato he really raved about how terrific it was and he doesn't even like sweet potatoes he said.

I have lots of things to do this week. I'm in the process of setting up dates for my TOPS chapter visits. As area captain I'm required to visit each chapter in my area at least once a year and I haven't visited any yet. So I have some work to do, I have 8 chapters. I keep wondering how I got this job. Yea, that's right, J just decided she wanted me to do it and I was silly enough to say ok. I guess in the long run it will be a good thing for me, make me a bit more social.

Karen asked if I was going to take a new picture for reaching onederland. I actually had gotten out the camera (the old one) and realized that it had no memory card in it so I couldn't take a picture. But I will try to get one this week. The picture above is back from sometime in January so I definitely should update it. I have to say though to me I don't feel like I've changed that much from that picture even though I know the scale has went down about 25 lbs since then.

Well I better get back to work. I actually have a fin to model up. Haven't done any 3d modeling work in awhile so it should be fun.

Update: here's the picture I promised. I think I need a new spot to take my picture lol. I included the old picture because I couldn't figure out how to fix the above picture. I will try to figure that out soon though.

Till tomorrow...